Page 20 of Up In Flames

Oren

W ill lay in a spent and crumpled heap, half in my lap. I needed to move and right my clothing, put my cock away, and have a proper adult conversation. The problem was that Will looked so serene that I was loath to disturb him.

With a sigh, I poked him in the arm. “Up you get.”

He grumbled, but listened, groaning a bit when he straightened up and again when he got to his feet. I watched him tuck his cock back into his pants, and then he reached for me, offering me a hand up. I didn’t have to take it, but I did anyway.

“Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Vitamin water? Protein shake.” The corner of his mouth quirked up, and I found myself stupidly smiling back at him.

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Yes, you are,” Will purred. Fucking distracting asshole.

“As cute as you are, I think we need to clear the air.” I folded my arms over my chest then thought that might make me seem too angry and closed-off looking.

I unfolded them and tucked my hands in my pockets.

Now that the sex was out of the way, my nerves were flooding back in. He could still reject me.

Will ran his fingers through his hair and chewed at his bottom lip. “Yeah. I know. I’m sorry, Oren. I got twisted up in my own head.” He lifted his head and looked me in the eyes. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I almost didn’t come.”

He nodded as though he’d expected that answer. It was an unexpected gut punch. He’d so quickly assumed that he was easy to give up on. Easy to forget about and discard. Nothing could be further from the truth.

“I didn’t like being ignored, but I hated missing you.

Don’t make me miss you again, okay? If you’re not comfortable with this”—I waved a hand between us—“then we can be friends.” Being friends would suck when I wanted so much more than that, but if that’s all he was willing to give me, then that’s all I’d ask.

Will scoffed. “I don’t want to be your friend, Oren.”

I nearly took offense at that, but he ate me alive with his heated gaze.

“Make me understand.” I stepped closer and put my hands on his hips.

More to keep us apart than to smash us together.

Will leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine.

He closed his eyes, but even with them closed, I saw the strain in his face.

The lines around his eyes, the gentle furrow of his brow.

“It’s so easy for you. You just… decided one day that you liked me, and then you told that guy from work as if it was no big deal.

You kissed me and sucked my cock like you’d done it a million times, and everything is so effortless for you.

It made me…” He stopped and searched for the right word.

“Angry at first. Then jealous. Then I guess mostly just sorry for myself.”

“Come here.” Tugging at the belt loops of his pants, I led him to the living room. He sat down on the couch, and I followed suit, crowding into the space next to him.

“Do you want to know why it was easy for me?”

Will nodded but didn’t make eye contact. Not that it mattered. It was probably better if he didn’t.

“It was easy for me because I don’t have anything left to lose.”

His head snapped up, and he gaped at me. The puzzle pieces slotted into place.

“It’s easy to take risks when you’re not risking much.

I work for lawyers; they know better than to fire me for being bisexual.

And then there’s the fact that I’m ninety percent sure at least a third of the office is somewhere on the rainbow.

Simon is openly bi and pretends he’s not just one more fuck it away from dragging Hal into the nearest dark corner and having his way with him. ”

Looking down, I took Will’s hand. Another first. Holding hands with a man.

His were stronger than mine. Thicker and calloused.

The truth was that he was all I had left to lose.

But I couldn’t put that into words without sounding like a crazy person or like I was guilting him into something he might not want.

“I had to lose a lot to get to a place where something like my sexuality doesn’t matter to me. At least not in a way that’s going to stop me from wanting to be with you.”

“Oren. Fuck, I’m sorry. I?—”

My hand clamped over his mouth. “Don’t be sorry for me. I’ll never be okay with losing them, but I won’t be okay with losing you either.” The confession tumbled out of me without my permission, but it made Will’s cheeks turn a deep rosy color. “Okay?”

Only when he nodded his agreement did I remove my hand from his mouth.

“I want to keep seeing you. As a friend. As more than that.”

“I can’t come out.” Will’s voice cracked and his chin quivered, but he sucked in a breath and got himself under control. “My parents. My job. The guys. I… I can’t.”

“I’m not asking you to come out.”

He rolled his eyes. “You did.”

“Because it was right for me. Because up until I met you, I hadn’t thought of myself as anything but straight. It’s like you showed me that I didn’t have to keep the original factory settings. Straight was a default. But I think we more than established that I swing both ways.”

“So you came out… for me?”

I shrugged a shoulder. “I mean… I didn’t want you to think that you were just an experiment. But I also came out for me.” Leaning against the back of the couch, I shut my eyes, but I could still feel Will’s gaze on me. He squeezed my hand, and I squeezed his back.

For a few minutes, we sat like that. Me gathering my thoughts, and Will content to sit and watch me. Eventually I felt him relax next to me.

“The accident took my friends from me, but it also took a chunk of me with them. For months after, I didn’t know who I was anymore. It sounds dumb, I know.”

“It doesn’t.” His voice was soft and full of understanding. “I watch people walk away from all kinds of shit, Oren. It’s normal for events to change you.”

“I don’t know if it changed me or just showed me that I didn’t really know who I was if I wasn’t fulfilling specific roles.

No longer a student. No longer one part of a three-part friend group.

” I exhaled a deep breath. “I wanted to come out because I want to own all the pieces of myself. I don’t want to deny things that are important to me or about me. ”

“You’re braver than I am.”

I leaned close to Will and put my head on his shoulder. Now that I’d come, my energy was flagging, and more than anything I wanted to curl up in his arms and have a nice long nap.

“You run into burning buildings, Will. You’re not exactly a shrinking violet. And it takes a lot of strength to stay in the closet. I came out because I’m too tired to keep myself hidden away. Most days, I still feel like I’m barely getting by.”

“You really don’t care that I’m not out? Even after I made a big deal about you being straight?”

“You’re allowed to have concerns. And so am I. But I’m not worried about you being in the closet. You’ll come out when you’re ready and if that’s never, then that’s okay too.”

Will’s thumb started to move. Back and forth against mine in rhythmic movements.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend before,” he said. His thumb kept stroking my skin, but the tension in him was obvious in the rigid way he held himself.

“Well, that makes two of us.” My heart thrashed around in my chest. It would flail if it could. “Is that what you want us to be?”

I couldn’t make myself look at him in case I’d misread the intention behind his statement.

“Would it be unfair of me to say yes?”

“I think it would be unfair of you to say no if you didn’t mean it and deprive me of the opportunity to make my own decision about it.”

Will laughed and the tension bled out of him. He turned to look at me, a smile tugging at one side of his mouth. “Spoken like a true lawyer.”

“If you want to be with me, I want to be with you. I don’t care that you’re not out. I’m barely out. My big toe is out. Maybe my foot.”

“It doesn’t bother you now .”

“And if it does later, we can talk about it. Also spoken like a true lawyer.”

“I mostly deal with boring contracts. Lots of corporate mumbo jumbo. Lots of loopholes and closing the ones that don’t benefit our clients. That sort of thing. I’m used to dealing with people changing their mind about things.”

A strange look passed over Will’s face.

“What?” I asked, curious about the inner workings of Will Dorsey’s mind.

“I think I’d rather run into a burning building than be a lawyer. It sounds messy.”

“That’s why I didn’t go into family law. Every day in family court feels like walking into the seventh level of hell.”

“Spoken like someone with experience.”

I reached over and booped the end of his nose with my finger. “Very astute.”

He pretended to try and bite my finger, and I grinned at him. It was sweet the way he was playful with me. Unguarded and willing to be silly, to not take himself entirely seriously.

“I was a foster brat. Unfit parents. Court battles. That kind of thing. Eventually they gave up trying to get me back. Or gave up looking like they were trying to get me back.”

“Shit. I’m sorry, Oren.”

“Eh, it is what it is. Walking away was the best decision they ever made for me, even if they didn’t make it for my benefit. I want to say that I became a lawyer so I could change the system from the inside or fight to help kids who were like me, but that’s a lie.”

“So tell me the truth.”

“The truth makes me sound like an asshole.”

“Your parents were assholes, Oren. Whatever your reason, it can’t be that bad.”

I closed my eyes and let my memories drift to the courthouse.

The staccato rap of shoes on the tiled floor.

The way everything gleamed made me uncomfortable with how clean and shiny it was.

How I was the contrast. I kept my dirty fingernails hidden by sitting on my hands and watched men with manicures and fancy watches, shiny shoes and crisp, clean suits pour in and out of those rooms.

“Money,” I said on an exhale, bringing myself out of the past and back into the present. “Lawyers looked like they had money.”

“People do a lot worse things for a lot worse reasons. Being a lawyer because you wanted a better life for yourself doesn’t make you an asshole.”

“Yeah, but shouldn’t I want to go into family law and be the hero to someone?

Fix the system, etc?” My other hand cut through the air, emphasizing my frustration with myself.

Sometimes I felt guilty that I hadn’t gone into family law.

Not that it was too late or anything, but the mere thought of it had me wanting to peel my skin off my bones.

“If you don’t want to do it, you’d be a shitty lawyer and those kids would be better off without you. You’re not a bad person because you don’t want to be the hero you never had.”

It was the exact perfect thing to say. The ten year-old inside me with dirty fingernails and a hole in the sole of his shoe smiled at me and faded away.

“Thank you. I think I needed to hear that.”

Will leaned in, his mouth dangerously close to mine. Our eyes met and his sparkled with something that looked a lot like happiness.

“What are boyfriends for?”