Page 14 of Up In Flames

Oren

I ’d never thought of myself as anything but straight before.

To be honest, I hadn’t thought about my sexuality at all.

Even as a teenager I’d been driven and hadn’t made a lot of time for dating.

When I did, I usually ended up with the women who pursued me.

And then I went to law school, and I put school above everything.

With Byron and Rita around, I was never lonely enough to worry about trying to fill the romantic void in my life.

Logically, I knew that a car accident couldn’t make someone change something as fundamental as their sexuality, but it had changed something.

A lot of things. My worldview for one. My perspective on my relationships and how I held myself apart from a lot of people.

Even ones I was supposed to be close to, like Liam.

I hadn’t been able to hold myself apart from Will the way I did with everyone else.

Even if he hadn't been there that night, I think I’d have noticed him anyway.

Will Dorsey was sunshine. A refreshing breeze.

Fresh air. His presence calmed me. I felt more myself around him than I’d felt in a long time.

I thought about him all day long. Every day. Far more than I’d ever thought about Byron when he was alive. More than I’d thought about anyone. The highlights of my days were his calls and his text messages. I liked it best when we managed to hang out in person, like tonight.

He was a little quiet all day, and I hadn’t expected him to come over.

Let alone with a fucking gourmet meal. And then he’d choked.

And I’d fucking saved him. And it felt like a sign from the universe, a warning or something.

I knew all too well how easy it was to lose someone, but the stark reminder of how fragile life was compelled me to act.

Up until I kissed him, I didn’t realize how badly I’d wanted to. His mouth was soft but immobile in his surprise. I’d pulled away, but in the length of a blink he chased me down. The only thing better than kissing Will was being kissed by Will.

I hadn’t kissed anyone in so long that I really had no frame of reference, only that it was the best kiss of my life. It still would have been if I’d kissed a thousand people before him. In reality, there was only a handful, but there might as well have been none.

I’d never questioned my sexuality before. Then I’d kissed him, and he’d kissed me back and my cock was harder than granite. His lips were firm, his mouth hot, the grip he had on me was tight as if he was afraid I’d vanish into thin air. The tighter he held me, the harder I got.

Nothing mattered. Not my sexuality or the way I thought I’d die if he stopped kissing me.

The past was gone. The future didn’t exist. For a brief moment, everything was blessedly silent in my brain.

It was like static, the way the world sounds when you’re underwater and all you hear is your pulse roaring in your ears.

Will was the first to pull away, but he didn’t let go.

He didn’t let go and neither did I. I thought I might fall apart if I did.

“That was…” Will trailed off

His voice still sounded ruined, and I wondered if he was really okay after what had happened. I meant to ask, but my brain kept short-circuiting.

“Incredible.” I finished the sentence for him. His grip tightened ever so slightly. If I wasn’t aware of every atom where his body touched mine, I might have missed it.

“Oren…” He took a breath and shut his eyes.

I loved the way he said my name.

“Will, I?—”

“Are you straight?” His eyes opened and he stared into mine. He’d see the lies if I were bold enough to tell any. I wasn’t. I couldn’t lie to him. Not ever. Not about this.

“I don’t know. I don’t—I’ve never been attracted to anyone the way I am to you. Is that a problem?”

Will was silent for so long that I feared the worst. Had I just fucked everything up between us with my foolish kiss? I’d wanted to do it, so I’d done it with little thought about what Will might want.

But he kissed me back.

He. Kissed. Me. Back.

Clearly I wasn’t alone in my feelings. Whatever they were. Attraction? Infatuation? Obsession? Everything was suddenly tangled and complicated. Everything except how much I wanted to go back to kissing him. Life didn’t make sense to me lately.

I ached when he pulled away from me. His eyes were twin storms. His lips were still a temptation.

My gaze flicked back and forth between his mouth and his eyes.

I’d never noticed a man’s mouth before, but I had trouble looking away from Will’s.

I knew the softness of his mouth on mine, and now I wanted to know what it would feel like on other parts of my body.

Heat surged through me, and I forced myself to take a slow, deep breath.

“I wouldn’t be mad if we kissed again,” I told him. “I don’t think that makes me very straight, Will.”

He ran a hand through his hair. The look he gave me made my heart stop.

“I don’t want to be an experiment, Oren.”

“That isn’t what that was.” The words rushed out of me as desperation demanded I state my case before I lost him completely.

“It wasn’t some kind of sexuality crisis where I just wanted to see what it was like to kiss a guy.

I wanted to kiss you, Will. Not because you’re a guy, but because… well… because you’re you.”

He’d kissed me back and it hadn’t taken long during that kiss for me to start wanting more. His touch on my skin. His mouth. I wanted his warmth against me. When he’d clung to me, the solid form of his body was reassuring. Kissing Will was wonderful. Amazing. I wanted to do it again and again.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want,” I blurted. “I should have asked permission or something before kissing you. But I just… you choked, and the thought entered my head that I almost missed my chance.”

The furrow in Will’s brow deepened. “Your chance?”

A laugh escaped me, small and weak, barely a sound at all.

I balled my hands into fists so I wouldn’t reach for him.

How could I convince him he wasn’t some kind of crisis of sexuality experiment?

I was too old and too alone to worry about what other people would think of me kissing men. Not men. Me kissing Will.

“I’m afraid I’ve become rather obsessed with you.

” Reaching for my wallet, I pulled out my half of the pictures we’d taken in the photo booth at the fundraiser that day.

Will’s eyes flashed when he recognized the pictures.

“The more time I spend with you, the more I want to spend time with you. It’s a vicious circle, really.

I know you’re my friend, and if we can’t kiss and stay friends, then I’ll keep you as a friend. ”

He still didn’t say anything. Nodding, I tucked the photos back in my wallet and tucked it into my pants pocket. If I’d been in his apartment, I’d have made a run for it by now, but I couldn’t exactly run out and leave him here.

“Oren,” Will said, his voice full of regret. I could already tell he was trying to find a way to let me down easy. “Plenty of people develop feelings for someone who was there during a high stress or dangerous situation. But those feelings usually fade.”

Horrified, I looked at Will. My heart clenched and crumbled. “You think this is some kind of hero worship crush? That my feelings couldn’t possibly be real because of how we met?”

“It’s happened before.”

“But did any of those people get to know you? Did they show up at a fundraiser and eat your chili and play stupid games with you? Did they exchange numbers and text messages with you? Did you send them memes that made you think of them? Were any of them your friends?”

“Trauma can have a profound effect on us.” Will sounded robotic, like he was reciting things he’d read in a textbook or some shit.

“Don’t tell me about the profound effects trauma can have.”

Rage boiled up inside me. The room was too hot.

Too small. Too bright. My skin was too tight.

My breath too short. “I might have lost my friends, but I didn’t lose my fucking mind.

And I didn’t magically just bump my head and discover I like men.

Hell, I don’t like men. I like you. You, Will.

Not because of the wreck, because—forget it.

” I wasn’t about to pour my heart out any more than I already had.

Listing the reasons I liked him seemed pathetic.

Something a love-struck twelve year-old might do.

Sucking in a breath, I steeled myself. “I think you should leave.”

“Oren—”

“Excuse me.” Like a coward, I slipped into the bathroom and shut the door. I threw the lock and turned the shower on, even though I wasn’t about to get in it. I just needed to not hear him leave.

Fuck Will for thinking my feelings were nothing but trauma.

Fuck him for not thinking he was worth liking. Worth kissing. Fuck me for ruining everything. I put the lid down on the toilet and sat. Burying my face in my hands, I waited for the humiliation to subside. For the anger to ebb and leave only ice-cold regret behind.

Several minutes had gone by before I turned the shower off.

I strained to hear anything beyond the walls of the bathroom, but of course I wouldn’t.

Will was gone, and it was my fault. I’d kissed him and driven him away.

I should’ve guessed that he wouldn’t want to run around kissing every man he knew.

But I’d hoped he wanted to kiss me. Lesson learned.

I couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever, as much as I’d like to. Standing, I went to the sink and splashed some water on my face. I dabbed my face dry with a hand towel and unlocked the bathroom door.

Taking a deep breath, I braced myself and opened the door, finally ready to face my empty apartment.

Will stood there, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.

My mouth opened and then closed again. He pushed away from the wall and unfolded his arms, letting them drop to his sides.

There were a million things I could say, but none of them felt like the right thing. So I said nothing at all.

Will took a step forward. Then another. I didn’t know who moved first. Maybe it had been both of us colliding like magnets giving in to the pull between us. But suddenly Will’s mouth was on mine again. His hand fisted my shirt. The other cupped my cheek and kept me close to him that way.

Did I know what was going on? Not anymore, but I couldn’t find it in me to care.

I was kissing Will. He was kissing me, stealing my breath and my ability to think like a rational human being.

I should stop him and make sure this was what he really wanted, but my brain and my body weren’t communicating.

My brain was caught between the joy of getting what I wanted and the fear of losing it, and my body was pressing itself against Will, seeking friction and closeness and companionship.

Seeking everything it knew it had been missing.

Later, my brain would have questions, but it was content in the moment to let my body lead. I put my arms around Will’s waist and pulled him closer. When our dicks collided, I sucked in a breath.

He stopped kissing and pulled back. He stared into my eyes with a gaze hotter and more open than anything I’d ever seen. No one had ever looked at me the way Will was looking at me.

“Yes?” he asked, subtly grinding himself against me.

“Fuck, yes.” I no sooner got the words out and Will’s mouth was back on mine. He turned us and pressed me against the wall, caging me with his body. At some point, I’d want him to explain his sudden change of heart, but right now I wanted to see what it felt like to be happy.