Page 11 of Up In Flames

Will

T elling Oren that I was gay was easier—and harder—than I’d imagined coming out to be. I couldn’t figure out why it had been so much easier to tell him than literally anyone else in my life. He could’ve rejected me just the same as everyone else still might, but deep down I knew he wouldn’t.

I’d imagined coming out a million times, a million ways, to different people in my life. Briggs. The captain. My parents. But I’d never worked up the courage.

After that stupid disaster of a blind date, it felt like I was drowning. Like my closet was filling with water, and I was running out of air. I might not have blown the doors off the closet, but telling Oren had at least drained the water so I could breathe again.

Oren knowing my secret had unforeseen complications, though. After a few hours of video games, another beer, and some pizza, I’d come home feeling like I was on cloud nine. I navigated through my phone and opened Grindr. It should’ve been easy. Just like every other time I used the app.

This time, the minute I opened the app, a sinking feeling slithered into my guts.

Scrolling through profiles only made it worse.

Guilt nagged at me when I read back some of the conversations I’d had.

Because I feared discovery, I didn’t have the most active sex life, but I’d been with a few different men lately.

The most recent was after I’d bumped into Oren again.

On a whim, I deleted the app and the sick feeling in my stomach went away.

My chest expanded, and I realized I’d been holding my breath.

Oren was a friend. An inconvenient crush at best. He was straight, as far as I could tell.

If he wasn’t, then he’d had the perfect opening to tell me, and he hadn’t.

Definitely straight. And I was an idiot for letting myself crush on him the way I was.

I might as well be fourteen all over again.

All pent up and halfway in love with someone I shouldn’t be.

My best friend at the time had an older brother who was on the swim team, and we used to get dragged to his meets.

A bunch of guys in speedos definitely awoke my sexuality.

Giving up on my idea to find a nice celebratory fuck, I flopped down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Telling Oren should’ve made things better not worse.

My inconvenient crush had my dick shriveling at the idea of touching anyone else.

It was all Oren’s fault for being too gorgeous.

With his long, thick eyelashes and his full, pouty lips, he was pretty as hell.

My stupid dick decided to twitch at that.

At how Oren had looked earlier tonight. Not having known him before the accident, I had no basis for comparison, but he certainly seemed lighter than when we’d first reconnected.

Most of the time, Oren looked haunted. And who could blame him, having gone through what he had.

It wasn’t a wonder to me why he often looked dour and deeply contemplative.

But tonight he’d smiled so wide his eyes lit up. The longer I knew him, the more like himself he seemed to be. He hadn’t said as much, but he didn’t have to. Anyone who had been through what he had would be changed by it. Bit by bit, Oren was coming back to life.

Perving on him would be wrong. He was straight and likely still vulnerable. But getting him out of my head wasn’t possible. The harder I tried, the more I thought about him. My dick didn’t care that he was straight. Not that it cared about much besides getting off.

The decision to slide my hand down my pants and grip my cock was a conscious one. I could’ve had a cold shower. Probably should have. Jerking off while thinking of Oren wasn’t going to help the attraction go away faster. It was only going to condition me to think about him when I touched myself.

But I didn’t stop. I gave my dick a couple of slow strokes, then stripped out of my clothes.

Grabbing the lube off the nightstand, I held it in one hand while I tucked an extra pillow behind my head.

I liked to see what I was doing. I’d always been a visual guy, even when it came to jerking off.

Growing up, there was a full-length mirror in the bathroom at home, and I’d spent many hours in front of it watching myself jerk off.

When you were a horny, closeted gay who didn’t dare look at other guys’ bodies, you learned to make do with your own.

Or maybe I was just weird.

A trail of lube drizzled from the bottle.

It landed on my cock and ran down the shaft.

The chilly lube always shocked me at first, even though I’d expected it.

Squeezing the bottle a little harder, I squirted more lube onto my dick.

It was going to be messy as hell, but coming out to Oren had energized me.

Not that he’d ever see me like this, but I could almost imagine his gaze on me.

If he did, the haunted look would be gone from his eyes, and there’d only be an inferno of lust inside him shining outward at me.

I knew I wasn’t bad looking, and being a firefighter kept me in shape.

I even had a pretty decent dick. I wasn’t hung, but I had a good six inches or so and a respectable amount of girth.

Enough to make a guy feel it, but not usually enough to break him.

My lube-free hand ran up my stomach and the light dusting of hair that led up to my chest. It was Oren’s hand I pictured reaching for me, caressing me.

It was his touch I wanted instead of mine, but the familiarity of my own touch was comforting.

Pinching my nipples made my dick pulse. The room was silent except for the sound of my breathing and the slick squelch of lube as I fisted my cock, increasing the pace.

Spreading my legs, I reached down and cupped my sac, cradling it in the palm of my hand. Lube dribbled down from the base of my cock and trickled onto my balls. It was easy to imagine it was Oren’s spit. Oren’s hands. Oren’s mouth on me.

My pace increased and the obscene sounds drowned out all the other noise in my head.

Reaching back, I teased my hole with the pad of my index finger.

The idea of Oren on top of me, pressing into me, spearing me open, was enough to make me come.

Release slammed into me, and I shot like a dam bursting.

My hips jerked up, fucking my fist. My greedy hole opened, yearning for something, someone, to fill me up.

My body trembled as I jerked, stroking my cock past the point of comfort.

Sucking in a deep breath, I let it out and eased my finger inside me.

The intrusion burned in a good way. In a way that reminded me what it was like to feel something.

To feel want so thick I could taste it. To feel like I might die if I didn’t come again.

Jerking furiously, I came again despite the discomfort, or maybe because of it.

It was hard to tell. But by the time I pried my hand off my cock and removed my finger from my ass, I was shaking and breathless.

Spent. Covered in cum and lube and sweat.

Satisfied, but hollow at the same time. Empty in a way I hadn’t felt before.

Throwing an arm over my face, I closed my eyes and laid in my own mess until my breathing returned to normal and my limbs stopped shaking. Once I thought I could stand without falling over, I got out of bed and had a quick shower. When I slept that night, I dreamed of Oren.

I was barely through my first cup of coffee when my phone buzzed to life. Seeing my mom’s name on the screen made me groan, but if I didn’t answer, she’d just worry.

“Good morning, Mom.”

“Good morning, sweetie. How’s your friend?”

I hated that I’d lied to her, but it was for the greater good.

“Everything is under control. No worries. Sorry I had to leave early.”

“That’s okay. Maybe you can meet up another time.”

Sucking in a deep breath, I pinched the bridge of my nose. If I let her keep doing this, she’d never stop, and I worried that eventually I’d go along with it just to appease her. The only thing that would accomplish would be to hurt everyone involved.

“Mom, please stop.”

“She was perfectly lovely. I’m sure you’d have liked her if you’d gotten to know her a bit better.”

“Mom.”

“She volunteers at church, helping with the little ones.”

“Mom, I’m interested in someone else.” The words rushed out of me before I could stop them. The phone was dead silent, and then Mom started talking.

“That’s wonderful. Tell me about her.”

“We’re just friends, but I’m not emotionally available to other people at the moment.

Even if it’s one-sided, I’m invested.” It was as close to the truth as I could get without telling her everything.

That the person I had feelings for was a straight man who would never look at me the way I wanted him to.

Digging my wallet out, I pulled out the pictures of us that we’d taken in the booth at the park.

There was a shot of us being silly, then another where we were caught in what felt like a moment.

We paid no attention to the camera in that last shot, just each other.

It might have been all in my head, but it had felt like a lightning strike.

“I wasn’t aware you were interested in anyone.”

“Well, it’s kind of new. But even if I wasn’t, Mom, you’ve got to stop trying to set me up with nice church women. I’m sure they’re all perfectly lovely, but I don’t think it’s fair to them for you to talk me up and drag them around and pretend that they’re going to be the one who catches my eye.”

“I just worry about you being alone, Will.”

“I’m alone romantically, but that’s by choice for now. But I have you and Dad, and I have the guys I work with.”

And Oren. I had him too, but I left him out, partly to protect myself from her prying questions.

I didn’t know if I could talk about him without sounding like a love-sick teenager.

I could practically hear myself. Oren is so handsome.

Did you know Oren is a lawyer? Oren is so smart. She’d see through me in a minute flat.

“I didn’t know you minded.”

“Well, that’s my fault for not telling you. But now that I’ve told you, you need to promise to stop.”

“But—”

“Mom. Please.”

The longer the silence stretched, the tighter my chest felt, but after an eternity she let out a sigh.

“Okay. You win. I’ll stop. I only wanted to make sure you were happy.”

“I’m happy making my own decisions, but I appreciate your concern.”

We only talked for a few minutes after that. I could tell she was disappointed by the turn of events. Sometimes I wondered if Mom was trying to find herself a daughter more than she was trying to find me a wife.

The past twenty-four hours had been a trip. First, I came out to Oren. Then I’d had the best orgasm of my life. And now I’d finally convinced my mom to lay off with the matchmaking, and I didn’t have to lie to do it. I just omitted a few crucial truths. I could live with that.