Page 60 of True Honey (The Hornets Nest #4)

COURTNEY

“ I printed extra of these,” I said to Susanna and set the flyers for the Hornets summer fair on the counter.

We’re leaving aren’t we?

“Thanks honey,” she said, tapping her fingers along her keyboard.

“Anything else you need from me?” I asked her.

I love you.

“Nope.” She turned in her chair with a smile, “we should be good for the day. Why don’t you go collect Auggie and take him out for lunch?”

We’re leaving.

I love you.

“That’s a wonderful idea,” I said, forcing down the bile that rose in my throat.

Leaving.

“Get him some ice cream, on me,” Susanna gave me a five and winked as I grabbed my bag from the floor. I turned back as I stepped through the front door and looked at her for a long moment.

“Hey Susanna?” I said, waiting until she popped her head up.

“Thanks.” It was simple but underneath it all I wanted to thank her for everything.

She had been nothing but kind to me and I wish I could stop it but the darkness was back and every weakening thought rolling around in my head was screaming that I wasn’t good enough.

The problem was living with Silas made it hard to sink into it.

My body was giving out just pretending to be okay. I was trying. Forcing myself out of bed every morning for the last week, the sound of his voice haunting my every step and I plastered a smile on my face and got in the shower.

I just needed to get us into a hotel and then we could get on the road in a week or two.

It made it easier with August on summer break.

He wouldn’t be so angry with me. I had picked up my phone to call Bradley more than once.

Thinking maybe it was time for August to go live there.

I knew after this one he’d never look at me the same way no matter how hard I tried.

No smiles, or treats could save me from the disappointment.

He’d hate me for this, for good.

But he had his entire life to live and I just needed away from Silas.

I couldn’t love him the way he needed me to.

I wasn’t good enough.

Last weekend proved it.

They were all too good for me, too kind, too loving. I was a black hole to Harbor.

He was going to sign those papers today, the shares would be his. His father would stay in jail after a long trial. He’d have Josh, Arlo… all the Hornets to get him through it and if I stay he’ll be distracted. He’ll have to spend more time taking care of me instead of what he should be doing.

“I uh…gotta go, Coach is screaming,” Josh’s voice broke through the nasty wall of depression thoughts.

“Hi,” I said, forcing a smile. He pushed his phone into his pocket and eyed me. “You’re going to be late for practice,” I said, stepping out of his way.

“No I’m not,” Josh said, looking me over and shifting on his feet. “Something is wrong.”

“I’m leaving early today to take August for lunch, Susanna gave me the afternoon off.” I explained, hoping that he wouldn’t see through the lie.

“Weird,” Josh hummed.

“Why is that weird?” I asked him, shifting the strap on my shoulder as he leaned against the door and blocked my way out. He waited a long time before speaking again.

“No reason,” he said, pushing out of my way and letting me pass. “Drew,” he said as I reached the door. “You aren’t about to do something that’s going to break my brother's heart are you?” He asked and the question burned like he had pushed a hot knife into my heart. Branding me with my own guilt.

“Just taking Auggie for lunch, Josh. Have a good practice.”

He watched me for a second longer before taking his leave. I sat in my car and cried for nearly twenty minutes, trying to get it all out before returning to the Nest. August would be home, probably sleeping still and I could get the car parked before starting the fight with him.

I started the engine finally, looking up at the stadium one last time with the feeling that I needed to apologize to it. I wish it could have been different. I wished I could be better.

The gates to the Nest were open and I parked the car close to the door so I could easily get everything inside before they finished practice. I left my purse and the keys instead hoping that it wouldn’t take forever and we could be on the road.

I wandered into the apartment into the bedroom for the duffle not bothering to stop to wake August. Pack first. Fight later.

“What are you doing?” Silas is standing in the bedroom in a full pressed dark suit.

The one he had picked out for this morning’s meeting.

He was angry, his sharp jaw pressed tightly and his gray eyes darker than I’d ever seen them.

He was painfully handsome and it forced me to close my eyes in a shallow breath.

“I came home to grab a sweater,” I lied, moving toward the closet.

“It’s ninety degrees outside,” he said quietly, his eyes never leaving me.

“It’s cold in the stadium,” I tried but it only made him more upset as I wandered inside and started to look around, ashamed that all my clothes were in the duffel on the floor.

“Can you… can you stop for a second?” Silas’s voice was low and calmer than I deserved. I got down on the floor and dug through my duffle, searching for a sweater and trying not to cry. “Drew.” He raised his voice but not enough to scare me.

My shoulders slumped forward and I pressed my hands into the carpet to ground myself. The silence was deafening, so loud I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I had let him down and worse, he had caught me trying to run away before he even had a say.

“I didn’t believe him,” Silas said, cutting the silence. “He had to beg me and I didn’t believe him.” He was talking about August, it was clear by his tone of voice. “I didn’t think after everything that you would do this,” he said. “This isn’t you.”

“You have no idea who I am,” my voice was warning.

He was pushing too hard and it wasn’t going to get us anywhere.

I didn’t even have an idea of who I was.

How was I supposed to explain it to another person?

He knew what he wanted to know, what had interested him…

what looked good to his family and friends.

No, that's bullshit. He sees you.

“What’s going on Drew? And don’t lie to me.” He said, and I could hear the hurt in his voice when he said it.

I chewed on my lip, unable to face him.

“It’s nothing, it’s just time for us to go.” I explained.

“Go where?” Silas asked.

“This is what we do, you knew that.”

“Why won’t you look at me? Talk to me!” Silas said. “All you have to do is talk to me!”

I turned to look at him, “you can’t fix this.”

“I don’t want to fix it,” he sighed, still standing at the edge of the closet. “I want to understand it!”

“I can’t—” I opened my mouth and stopped.

“ Please ." Silas dropped to his knees in front of me, the fabric of his dress pants stretching over the expanse of his thighs. “Try.”

The way he said it broke my heart, it was soft and whiny. Like he needed the explanation to continue breathing. Honesty was the best route.

“I’m not good enough for you Silas,” I said it, blunt and true, watching him flinch backward. He opened his mouth to talk but I shook my head, my jaw clenched tightly and my nose itchy as I held back tears.

“You have to be kidding me?” He fell forward on his thighs, his fingers curling into the fabric like he was resisting reaching out. “Is that what you think?”

“It’s not a conclusion I came to on a whim,” I sighed.

“It’s not a conclusion at all,” Silas balked. “Did you ever think just once, maybe you should ask me how I felt about you? Like really felt?”

“What? Between all the secrets and drunk sex?” I felt like screaming. This wasn’t going to end the way he wanted.

His jaw ticked. “On the bike, at the stadium, at breakfast, dinner, the table, the events. Drew, do you really think that’s all this is? After everything?”

“I’m just a travelling waitress, with a son and a diseased brain Silas, you’re— you .

Doctor, best friend, brother, son. You spend everyday coming up with new ways to help everyone, no one forgotten, no one left behind.

You need someone who can take care of you.

Someone who isn’t sick. You’re incredible at every turn and all I’m going to do is drag you down.

My brain is never going to get better, it’s always going to come back around.

It sounds manageable now but it turns to resentment. ”

“Don’t you dare compare me to him,” Silas said sharply.

“I don’t blame him ,” I argued, “I turn into a shell, there's nothing there. It’s a black hole and it will destroy everything. Just let me walk away, let me handle it.”

“Whatever the hell he drilled into your head, it’s bullshit Drew.” He surged forward, taking my face in his hands.

“It’s not.” I shook my head in his grip. “I’ve seen what it does and I can’t stop it. It comes in and it destroys everything I’ve built without remorse. I won’t let it destroy—”

“Us.” He said sadly, rolling his tongue against his teeth. “So I don’t get a say? You're just going to leave without a word.”

“You deserve better.” I argued. “You deserve to be looked after.”

“Ha,” Silas chuckled, it was hollow and defeated. “One selfish thing. I never would have been able to do that before you. I never slowed down enough to think about myself. You did that.”

I shook my head, “you’re only ever selfish for the bare minimum. A kiss, a touch. ”

“That's because the one selfish thing I do want, scares you .” Silas’s tone dropped, “you aren’t allowed to leave me. I need you, that’s selfish. I need you more than you need isolation. How's that for the bare minimum?”

He had played the card well and as much as it stung, he had asked… no, he had demanded what he wanted from me.

“You got what you needed Silas,” I said trying to control my tone, “I have enough money for August and I to go, and you got the shares.”

“No I didn’t,” he snapped.

“What?” I stopped. “What did you do?”

“August came to me, he knew you needed me and I came.”

“Why would he… why would you do that?” My voice trailed off in shock. All that time spent working towards one thing. We were doing it for that and he just… walked away.

“You really don’t see it?” He whispered, his voice strained and frustrated, “all this time you thought— did you ever believe a word I said?”

I wanted to say yes, but that tiny doubtful voice was loud.

“Drew,” Silas hummed, “you asked me to keep reminding you,” he inched closer.

“That was different,” I argued. That was sex.

“No it wasn't. Here’s me, reminding .” Silas stopped me, “It started as a deal, Drew. But it hasn't been about that for a long time and you know it. I don’t care how often you need me to be there, I don’t care how you need me to be there.

We can lay in bed for a week, we can stand in the shower for an hour, sit on the fucking kitchen floor and eat nothing but pancakes drunk off our faces.

If it makes the noise quiet I will do anything you need.

I’m not trying to cure you or rid you of it.

I love you for all the dark corners and what you hide in them. ”

I stared at him, trying to catch my breath.

“I love you.” He said, his voice more confident that time. “Say it back.”

“It won’t last,” I said, unable to oblige. “Look at how horrible this is now… how much I’m hurting you.”

“Drew I don’t give a shit about that,” he scoffed.

“You tell me what you need, what usually helps. I’ll see you through it and then—” He stopped himself.

“Let me remind you how perfect you are, maybe eventually it will start to sink in and you’ll believe it but until that day comes.

I’ll keep my promise, I’ll keep reminding you. To stay, to smile, to love, to laugh.”

His fingers dug into the edges of my jaw and pulled my face against his.

“Every morning, every night. You need it, I’ll be here.

But you can’t shut down when you get scared, you have to promise not to run away.

You get in that bed, with me , and I'll see you through it.” He paused, watching me, “and before you say it, I know you feel it. I could see it on your face that night, you love me too. You’re just too scared to admit it because it means you have to take a risk.

” He said, “it means you have to trust something over that fickle, mean brain of yours.”

My eyes fluttered just trying to keep the tears at bay.

“Say. It. Back.”

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I choked out.

“This is hurting me.” He was quick and honest.

“When the time comes and I inevitably fuck this up?” I asked, inhaling a rough breath. “Will you let me go then?”

“No more running. Let me take care of you when you can’t take care of yourself.” He declared like it was law. “I know you feel it. Say it, Drew.”