Page 33 of True Honey (The Hornets Nest #4)

COURTNEY

S ilas came back with two bags of food and it all smelled incredible as he pulled it out and set it on the island in front of me. “What is it?” I asked.

“Thai, I hope you like that… I probably should have asked.” He stumbled around his choice for a second, losing that normal shield of confidence.

“I do,” I said with a smile, plucking a sauce-covered carrot from the container in front of me as he reached for plates.

“Sorry it’s not pickles,” he teased.

“Don’t bring them into this,” I said, piling my plate with whatever looked good. The reality was, after telling him, three different types of pickles appeared in the fridge the next day. I was never telling him something was my favourite again.

We sit in silence for a little while, going back and forth with stupid little questions that have no actual point but it’s nice to see him relax a little after the evening we had.

Seeing him so wound up at the hospital had caught me off guard.

The Silas I had come to know was a man of positivity, he always looked for the good in a situation but I guess that didn’t apply to his own mistakes or faults.

I didn’t know anything about baseball, or injuries but hearing that he truly believed that he caused the injury was devastating and it seemed his friends knew that he would feel that way and were quick to counter his thoughts.

“Thank you for today,” I said quietly, “it’s odd but I feel better.”

“In all honesty, I didn’t even think I was going to get you on the bike,” Silas said.

“Why?” I asked, nibbling on a string of spicy noodles.

“I figured I had screwed up whatever friendship we did have. After dinner and then breaking the cup…” He shrugged.

“I’m not that fragile you know,” I argued gently and it forced him to smile.

“Auggie sees it differently,” Silas said and my heart stuttered.

“What does that mean?” I asked, trying to hide my panic.

“Do you know anything about Cael? About their family?” he asked me. It was almost infuriating that he just continued to serve himself food while my breathing had stopped. “Was it in any of the notes Ella gave you?”

“A little, it was mostly basic stuff,” I said, and set down my fork.

Silas sighed. “Auggie reminds me of Cael,” he said. “There’s something so innocent and observant about him. Something so undeniably kind. I don’t know a single kid that would choose a dumpster cat when he has more than one kitten to pick from.”

“He’s always loved the underdog,” I said, trying to calm myself.

“That, right there,” Silas pointed out. “Is why he sees you differently,” he explained. “You’re very good at hiding it, I’ll give you that.”

“Hiding what?” I scowled at him.

“Your sadness.” Silas watched me, his chest rising and falling slowly. “Auggie sees it better than anyone and he spends a lot of time tip-toeing around it because it’s afraid to hurt your feelings more.”

“Wow, I’m glad this dinner turned into you judging how I raise my kid. What happened to throwing rocks in glass houses?” I went to slip off the stool and Silas grabbed my arm. “Let go,” I warned.

“I’m not judging you,” he said, not loosening the gentle grip he had on me. “I’m just saying he’s protective of you, he’s the first to stand up for you.”

“He’s my kid, he shouldn’t be doing any of that,” the words were tight and uneven coming out of me. I hated this, watching a good day turn sour.

“When he told me about what your ex used to do… It took everything in me not to say some horrible shit or pry into your life, Drew. I was ready to use a thirteen-year-old just for a little more information but I realized that he isn’t the person I should be asking.

” Silas said. “It’s not his responsibility to take care of you, even if he believes it is. Even if that’s not how you raised him.”

“This all sounds pretty condemning, Silas. ”

“From what I gather he’s been raised to be kind, protective and helpful.

To never make more work for anyone, to always be the first to offer a hand and to be polite even when someone isn’t treating you with respect.

And there’s nothing wrong with any of that, but it’s not Auggie.

He’s just a kid, he’s doing what he’s always done.

It’s what he knows. But it’s not him, all of those things. They’re you .”

“Oh so this is more therapy, the rage room was just the first hurdle?” I sneered at him, hating how his thumb brushed over my arm and how easily I was distracted by the calming feeling it brought on.

I was putting up walls faster than he could tear them down just praying that he didn’t get to the route of the problem.

Figure yourself out Drew.

“You wear this mask, you never show anyone who you really are and at first I thought it might be because you were protecting yourself but it’s not that,” Silas said and my chest tightened. “It’s because you don’t know who you are.”

I huffed out a frustrated laugh just to keep from crying. Why was it when I felt this way, crying was the only response my body came up with?

“I do know who I am and who are you to assume I don’t?

” I tried to fight back. "My fake fiance, who’s using a woman to trick his dying grandfather into signing over his shares to his fortune?

” I said harshly, instantly feeling like a piece of shit knowing that it was probably too far.

“Who are you , Silas?” I countered. “Because from where I’m standing you don’t even know. ”

His grip finally faltered and his eyes softened. “I deserved that,” he nodded, “maybe not the dying grandfather part but the rest.”

“I’m sorry,” I sighed. I didn’t want to be some frightened, depressed ball of anxiety. I had been formed into this over the years.

“You’re right. I don’t know who I am outside of the ‘How can I help’ version of myself.

And maybe I’m terrified that if I don’t get these shares it makes it hard to be that guy for everyone.

Who would I be without that money? I can’t fund the team, I can’t keep harbor running, I can’t donate to people who need it.

All that fortune will go into my corrupt fathers pockets where he can ruin more lives and create more kids like Josh. ”

His frustration poured out, “and if he does I wouldn’t even have the ability to help them down the road.”

My brows knitted together tightly and I leaned over the counter, suddenly aware of how cracked his armor was. Silas thrived on being everyone’s white knight but he genuinely believed that’s all he was to them. A problem solver with an endless bank account.

I set aside my frustration because Silas had never once given a reason to be treated like that and I could recognize that lashing out wasn’t going to solve anything. What hurt was knowing that’s how others saw me: small, reserved, easy to be around because I never asked for much.

“You’re more than that.” The words came out so softly that I wasn’t even sure he had heard them but he looked up at me again, brows crumbled together and jaw screwed shut. “You are.”

“You’re doing it again,” his voice was smooth, almost cautious. “You make yourself small to avoid the conflict.”

“I meant that,” I argued back. He wasn’t just his money and it was frustrating that he had been conditioned to believe that about himself.

“I know you did,” he responded, “but you said it because you were scared of the argument, you were backing down because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings but what about yours?”

“You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, Silas.” I admitted and the confession stung at the corners of my eyes.

“You can get mad, I won’t…” he paused, “you can yell and scream at me and I will never lay a hand on you.” The words came out with conviction and Bradley never had but I appreciated the tone in Silas’s voice when he said it.

I rounded the island with shaky hands and a racing heart.

“I know,” I said to him as he turned to face me. It was so simple, but honest and needed to be said. For him and for myself to hear it. “For the record, I’ve never been…hit.”

“Auggie wouldn’t tell me,” he said, sounding upset. “I shouldn’t have asked but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know. ”

I took a deep breath as his hand came up and his knuckle grazed my tight jaw, “I don’t mean to, but I also don’t know how to stop it,” I confessed, “it’s just easy to get small, familiar.”

Silas studied my face, wanting to say something but clearly conflicted on how he should word himself to avoid restarting the argument that had sparked suddenly.

It was odd because even though we had both contributed I didn’t feel like I was being backed into a corner.

Fights with Bradley had always felt me feeling like I didn’t have an out.

Like I needed to plan an exit strategy for every little mistake I made.

Meanwhile, Silas was sitting here staring at my lips like he wanted to kiss me but his face was twisted painfully with deeper intentions.

“Say what you’re thinking Silas before you lose the nerve,” I whispered and he swallowed tightly, his eyes finally drifting up to meet mine.

“I’m adding a condition to our contract,” he said, reaching out and wrapping around me until I was slotted between his thighs and his palms were spread out flat against my back.

The movement surprised me as much as his confession did.

I was waiting for anger, more frustration or questions.

Not that. I held my breath waiting for his newest condition.

“Anytime you feel the need to get small, come and find me?”

I opened my mouth to argue and he shook his head.

“Even if it's my fault, let me fix it.” He was practically begging me to agree as his fingers dug into my back and pressed me closer against him.

“That feels a little personal for a contract,” I whispered, tempted to run my hands through his unkempt hair.

“It’s my contract, I can change it whenever I want,” Silas argued.

“That’s worrisome.” I offered him a tiny smile and he finally took a breath of air, his chest brushing against mine. “And what about you?” I asked, trying to think of something that could help him wriggle free of his need to feel useful constantly.

“Me? Drew I’ve never made myself small for anyone,” he huffed and I laughed gently .

“No, I mean, if I’m forced to work on myself, so are you. Once a day, you have to do something for yourself. And only you. It can’t have motives. It has to be selfish.”

“Feels stupid,” he huffed.

“It’s just one thing, Silas.”

“It can be anything?” he asked me and I nodded.

He leaned forward, his hand coming up around the back of my neck as he brushed his lips against mine so gently it tickled.

I hated how good it was, even sober, like the universe was laughing at me by dropping a man like Silas in my lap when it knew I wasn’t good enough for him.

When he pulled back he looked satisfied with himself.

“That was selfish , I’m sorry.” Silas’s voice was low and teasing, but he had a proud smile on his face.