Page 47 of True Honey (The Hornets Nest #4)

COURTNEY

I grabbed a clean pair of pajama shorts from the drawer and wandered back into the bedroom where Silas was pulling off his shoes on the edge of the bed.

His hair was damp from trying to wash out the beach spray they used to give it texture.

He complained all dinner about it and was still grumbling as he pulled off his socks and sighed.

I collected my shower bag and went to leave the room. I needed a minute to think that I wasn’t consumed by the thought of him. His hands, his smell… his heart. But his hand wrapped around my wrist and stopped me before I could get away.

“Where are you going?” His voice was soft, his body stretched out and his chin tilted up looking at me with confusion. I opened my mouth to explain but he tugged on my arm and pulled me into his lap, locking me in place with his arm.

“I was going to go shower,” I whispered, letting him hold me against him and dropping my bag to the bed with a soft thud.

“I have a shower in here,” he argued.

I needed space to think, to panic in private.

“That’s your shower,” I said.

“It’s a shower, they’re all the same,” Silas chuckled, tilting his face up more to brush his lips against my jaw.

He had a way of distracting my thoughts, shutting them off and making everything quiet but it also meant I wasn’t thinking about the consequences.

The fallout if anything went wrong and eventually something would go wrong. Something always went wrong.

“What’s really wrong?” He asked a second later, pulling his face back to study mine.

“Nothing.” I shook my head gently.

“Alright…” he sighed, but there was no frustration in his expression.

“This may have started as a lie Drew.” Silas’s eyes watch mine like he’s searching for answers, “but I’ve been able to read you since the day we met.

Something is bothering you.” Loosening his grip around my waist one of his hands took my chin to keep my eyes locked with his. “You can talk to me,” he said.

Could I? I wasn’t sure I could without my emotions exploding and I certainly couldn’t tell him the truth about how I felt. It could have the potential to destroy his trust in me, a trust so steady and strong it scared the shit out of me.

“Today was just… a lot.” I confessed, trying to be as truthful as possible with him. “I’m used to it being just me and Auggie.”

“Right,” Silas said, “and I have twenty something brothers…” he chuckled.

“I was just searching out a familiar comfort,” I said.

Silas watched me for a moment longer, his jaw ticking and his fingers flexing around my back. “I can be that,” he whispered. “You just have to let me.”

“Silas…” I wet my bottom lip.

“No,” he stopped me. “Don’t do that, you always do that,” he said and I wanted to argue but I couldn’t even figure out what he meant.

“You get cagey on me and I can handle that, Josh has been that way since the day I met him. His trust is like a wet piece of paper, but,” he said, brows furrowed as he explained his train of thought.

“Yours is flammable…” he whispered. “It’s like every time we get closer you find a reason to pull back and I don’t get it because you lie about what’s going on up there,” he tapped my temple.

“I’m trying,” I whispered back.

“I know,” he said quickly, “I know.” A kiss followed, quick and reassuring in a way I wasn’t expecting.

It started at my lips and then he gently took my wrist in his hand, placing a kiss to my palm with his eyes still on mine.

“I see it. Anytime we get into these… positions you go somewhere else. It’s like you aren’t here anymore, aren’t with me. ”

“It’s sex, Silas.” I chewed on my lip trying to ignore the blossoming warmth that flooded my chest.

“No it’s not just that,” he replied quietly. Another kiss, warm and welcoming to my wrist. He lingered there watching me. “I just want to know where you go.”

He wasn’t even asking too much. He was asking for the bare minimum.

“I want to know what to do to keep you here, with me.” He said, rephrasing his needs.

I swallowed tightly, slightly unsure about what information I could give him that wouldn’t absolutely terrify him away from me.

He was being so patient though, his gray eyes studying my face to catch every single expression change.

How could I fault him for wanting to learn, to help? I like to fix things.

“You aren’t asking because you think you can fix me right? Because you think I’m some kind of charity case.” The words came out quiet, nervous and tight. I watched Silas cock his head to the side, his eyes flickering back and forth.

“I’m asking because I want it to feel good for you, as good as it feels for me.

I don’t want you retreating, I want you.

” He didn’t even give me time to spiral about it, two more kisses both trailing down my inner arm were placed gently, with purpose.

“What’s there to fix, Drew? What are you so worried about? ”

“My head isn’t right Silas,” I whispered. “Sex makes everything less noisy, sex with you…” I sighed. “It sounds horrible—”

“Go back,” he huffed gently, the noise almost a laugh. “What do you mean your head isn’t right?” He placed a kiss to the ditch of my arm, soft and needy he didn’t stop the barrage of affection.

“It’s screwed up, it's loud with fears and thoughts that I have no control over,” I explained. “It always has been and while the sex wasn’t ever anything special before it helps, it's a few minutes of quiet.”

“Oh,” Silas’s brows kissed and he looked up from his path stopping on the soft curve of my bicep to lock eyes with me. “What if I can chase the fear away?” He asked.

“Only you would try.” I cupped his face, digging my fingers into the scruffy edges of his jaw. “It’s not that simple, even when I’m happy,” I whispered, “even when I’m with you…”

“It’s always there.” Silas’s eyes flickered around my face. “Does the fear have anything to do with us…with me?” He paused, wanting to make sure .

How do I tell you the truth?

“Sometimes,” I swallowed tightly and watched his face fall. “But it’s nothing you’ve done wrong.” I’m quick to remind him. “It’s all of my own insecurities. It’s very clear to me that I do deserve your kindness and your attention, Silas. Whether it's the contract or whatever this is… I’m aware—”

“There is no contract, not anymore,” he grumbled, his jaw tight.

When he looked at me again there was a new light burning in his eyes.

A worrisome one. Without a single confirmation of my feelings Silas rose from the bed with his arm around me and flipped me back onto the mattress.

“Stay with me,” he said, “for you to understand you need to be here, just… stay with me.”

I stared at him for a moment, drinking in the serious tone in his voice.

“Can you do that?” He asked when I didn’t have a response.

I nodded gently, unsure if I could actually follow through.

“No, answer me. Can you stay here? With me .” He asked again.

“I’ll stay,” I whispered.

“Good,” Silas huffed. “Now don’t move.”

“What are you going to do?” I asked, pressing back into the mattress as he pushed my knees apart to slot between my legs.

Silas ignored my question, instead leaning down to press his lips against my neck. He kissed and sucked at the soft skin, taking his time like he’s mapping out every inch with his mouth and tongue. It’s torture to lay still, to remain calm while not understanding the point he was trying to make.

I wanted to stay present but it was so much easier to fall into the lush and let the sex consume my messy thoughts.

I know he could tell, it was in the way his hands roamed over my body, the way his fingers gripped my thighs possessively.

He bit down on my neck, hard enough to cause my hips to lift off the mattress toward him.

Hard enough to leave a mark. His tongue smoothed out the sting and he rocked his hips against mine hard enough that I could feel his growing hardness over my shorts.

“Silas,” my voice was low, pleading. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t be so serious about us.

Not like this. I was panicking at the thought.

He wanted something so much bigger than my capabilities.

He wanted commitment and a relationship but I didn’t know how to give him those things.

I couldn’t provide the stability he wanted, the partnership he deserved.

I would fail him, just like I failed everyone else.

He paused, lifting his head to look at me.

His eyes were intense, searching my face.

He must have sensed the panic rising in my eyes because he sighed.

“Overthinking, you’re always overthinking.

” He released a frustrated breath but his grip on my hips eased.

His thumbs traced soothing patterns on my skin.

“I want to worship you and I want you to remember every single second of it.”

“Keep reminding me?” I asked him in a whisper.

“I will. Every single second. You’re going to feel my mouth, my hands, every single inch of me so deep inside of you that you’ll remember it every time you close your eyes.” Silas pushed my shirt up to expose my stomach, bending down to kiss my belly, sucking gently on the skin.

I arched into his touch as he marked a new path across my skin, his fingers trailing behind hooked into the top of my shorts.

I could do this, I could stay present with him.

Feel it all. I focused on the way his skin felt on mine, the delicate strands of gray that tangled into his dark brown hair, the scratch of his scruffy jaw as he passed over my stomach with his lips.

He looked up at me, his eyes dark with desire as he slowly pulled my shorts down, taking my underwear with them. He tossed them aside without breaking eye contact. Silas kissed the inside of my thigh, then the other, moving closer to my center but not touching where I needed him the most.