Page 25

Chapter 24

Apollo

A cold sea of prickling ice somehow stands between me and my own body. It separates me from my skin and I stand in the middle; a lone island. Isolated and raw.

I blink, trying to get away, back to reality, but it’s not working. The distant echoes of Kobe’s voice from the screen still carry in the blowing wind. They feel as surreal as this place I’m trapped in. I refuse to believe them. This recording Jasper presented me with that barely hidden joy behind his eyes isn’t real. It can’t be.

Then I try to examine it from afar and find myself unable to understand why I care so much.

Why do I feel so damn hurt? Why do I feel this pain?

Finally snapping back when Jasper runs his hand up my shoulder, I look at him. The video is paused on his screen, proving to me that it indeed isn’t something I made up in my head.

His fingers slowly glide through my hair until he pushes me closer and puts a kiss on the top of it. “This is the reason I didn’t want you to pursue this in the first place, doll,” he whispers, sounding well-meaning and tender. But it feels wrong. Off. Everything does. “You’d get disappointed. Waste time chasing shadows. Now, you don’t have to anymore. This is a good thing. We can focus on each other again, like it’s supposed to be.”

I find myself nodding, even if it’s far from what I really want to do.

What do I want to do? What am I doing?

My mind’s sore. A dull aching. Or maybe it isn’t my mind. Maybe it’s my stupid, foolish heart.

I make sure not to move away this time when Jasper kisses me on the neck. I let him stand behind me and wrap his hands around my waist. I don’t want to feel the same misery I did when he left the other night. I don’t want to feel any more worthless than I already do after watching that damn recording.

He said it with such ease. Such cold indifference. I can’t get that clip out of my head. Kobe who touched me so tenderly and looked at me with such softness, he…did that.

That goddamn bastard.

I squirm and let out a surprised gasp when I realize Jasper is taking me into his hand. A little flustered, I glance at him, his chin resting against my shoulder. He smiles while playing with my flaccid cock inside my pants, but the way he does and the lack of his own hardness pressing into me from the back tells me this isn’t one of his sudden bursts of selfish lust.

“We’re gonna go right to how things were before,” he whispers into my ear, voice all honeyed. “Everything will fall into place again. I won’t hold this against you.”

I can’t find the strength in me to do or feel much of anything. I only nod, putting up a half-genuine attempt at a smile. Jasper doesn’t seem to notice and keeps stroking me, slowly producing results. He knows how to touch me to achieve what he wants.

Or maybe my body knows his touch and what it could mean if it doesn’t respond to him the way he likes.

My quiet whines as I get harder clearly please him. He kisses more, under that spot right behind my ear that I like, while still not engaging any more or reaching for his own pleasure. That’s unlike him.

“And I need you to be more focused now than ever, so the timing is perfect.” There it is. He’s finally getting to the reason for all of this. “We need one more person from the Rippers on our side to ensure a solid basis for our alliance. With this, our reach would spread way beyond this city and even this country. But he is a demanding man… Difficult to connect with, hard to please. A little extreme, some might say. And yet,” he pauses, brushing some of my hair over my shoulder to place another kiss there, “it looks like gifting him our most skilled, exquisite omega for the night could be what will seal the deal. If he leaves happy.”

Goosebumps form around the site of his touch, and I’m not sure if it’s because of that or his words; the serious implications of them.

“You can do that, can’t you, Apollo? Make him happy, no matter what? It’s what you do best. I’m confident you’re able to handle him, baby.” With a bite on my earlobe and a painful twist of the metal bar in my nipple, Jasper brings me close to the edge. Even as the firm motions of his hand speed up and my quick breaths hitch, the pleasure is separated from me by a thick wall of ice. “For us, for our future.”

“Y-yes,” I whisper, my eyelids growing heavy as I push my head back against him, feeling the pressure in my lower half intensify. “I can do it.”

I have to do it. There’s no other choice.

Jasper places a kiss on my forehead and sends me downstairs after that. My body still feels tingly and weak as I make my way down the stairs, having to hold on to the railing for support.

The client will arrive later. Jasper had already set it up before even asking me. He knew I would say yes, because why wouldn’t I? He’s right—this is what I do. My only skill of any significance. The extent of my value.

I had hoped that this sense of disconnect would fade away by the time I got downstairs. It doesn’t. Filling me with more and more discomfort and a nagging dread, I continue feeling like something is slipping out of my grasp, be it the control of my own body, my mind, or any sort of self-confidence.

Get it together, Apollo , I scream at myself. Get it t—

Among the bustling, vibrant chaos of the Dollhouse, a person catches my eye. Finally, my brain snaps into focus, although I wish I did for a better reason.

Terence.

I think that’s his name, anyway. A short but very muscular guy with a bandana on his head. Always wearing that massive hoodie. I stare at him across the room while he chats up one of the clients having a drink at the bar. They seem familiar with each other, laughing and throwing their hands around as they talk.

I know Terence only by sight and I would’ve avoided or ignored him any other time. After all, the main thing I know about him is that he’s the one you go to when you want drugs. He’s always more than happy to help , as I heard him say many times. ‘A little something to forget. A little something to make it through the day sane.’ He’s been careful enough to have Jasper ignore his little side hustle. Makes himself useful in other ways.

My rib cage feels as if it’s a shell being forced open by a nutcracker.

One side of my brain screams at me to abort this train of thought. Alarms blare in the distance, but I’m too tired and distracted to really hear them. Another side of me can focus on nothing else but him and the promise of what he could provide.

He could be the remedy. The cure for these fucking feelings tormenting me. For that incessant pounding of thoughts and fears inside my mind and my heart. I could get rid of it— just like that. Peace . Finally, a moment of tranquility and comfort after so many years of struggling and resisting. How glorious would that feel right now, when I need it the most?

I still remember how great it could be. The bliss. The clarity. Oh, the clarity.

I fight with myself for a while, the muscles at the back of my neck tensing until they hurt. For each reason not to, my brain finds an excuse. Eventually, having to face whatever depraved, ruthless sociopath I have to please tonight is what breaks me. I need this. I need a break to be able to get through it and appease Jasper. I need it to be useful.

Because what am I if I’m not useful?

With the sound of my heart pounding inside my ears, I make my way across the floor to Terence. Everything else goes out of focus as I confidently stroll toward him, already sensing the echoes of what I will experience tickling me on the bottom of my stomach.

I’m only a few feet away when someone grabs me tightly by the wrist and doesn’t let go.

Anger fills me the moment I feel the pull, and I turn around to whoever is stopping me from finally getting the relief I fucking deserve. Once I lock in with Sadie’s concerned, steady eyes, bordered by black eyeliner and intensified by her narrowing brows, everything inside of me stops.

I blink and sharply puff the air out of my lungs. The realization of what I was about to do dawns on me abruptly. What I was about to throw away and lose. Years of work. Almost a decade of sobriety. Countless instances of pure willpower and pain in the name of becoming better…wasted.

“What are you doing?” she asks warily. “I noticed you as you were walking, and I didn’t like your expression. Are you…” Glancing to where I was looking, Sadie’s face twists into even more pronounced concern. She, too, knows who Terence is. “Apollo?”

While I felt nothing but the promise of relief moments ago, now I plummet into the depths of guilt and shame. I open my mouth, but no words come out.

“You’re not in a good headspace,” she mutters, loosening her grip on me only to take my other hand and pull me to her. “Come.”

I follow her to the backroom, aimlessly flowing behind her, grateful for that guidance more than she could understand. The growing pressure inside of me turns into tears that threaten to burst out by the time Sadie sits me in my chair. There’s no one around, thank god. Only me, sitting slumped and staring ahead blankly, and her.

Sadie kneels down in front of me, both of her hands firmly clasping mine.

I already feel the waterworks coming on. My lip starts to quiver uncontrollably. What the fuck was I about to do? Was I really willing to do it? “I…I feel like I’m losing my mind,” I whimper, letting it all out. Trembling, I sniff like a blubbering fool while Sadie hums and wraps her arms over my shoulders.

“Oh, sugar… No, no, it’s okay. You’re not. What’s going on, huh?” The attentive, soft way her voice sounds over me makes me feel safe, but no less stupid or hopeless.

“I don’t know anything anymore, I…”

It’s all too much.

Kobe. Jasper. The changes happening around me.

Every day. Every moment. My every thought fights relentlessly with the one next to it.

“I just couldn’t handle it. I needed relief. I wanted relief! I need a break, I…”

She pats my back gently as I burst out crying. Even resting my head against her chest and smelling the comforting aroma of her sweet hair, I can’t get a grip on myself. Faces and memories and words swirl inside my mind. Kobe’s kisses. Jasper’s cold hands as he bends me over the table. The scent of him. Of both of them. The ruthless declaration from that video. Shadows of my past suddenly making their way out of the void.

My stupid fucking past that can only reflect my miserable future.

“Hey,” I hear her say. “Hey, look at me,” she says louder, forcing me to pull back and face her. With that unwavering strength of a warrior in her eyes, Sadie presses her lips together and holds my wrists out. When I glance down at them, she twists them around to reveal her own, and my emotions tamper at the sight of those scars below each of her wrists. She guides my thumbs with hers to touch the two long slits running upward.

The scars are faded, barely noticeable unless one knows to look, but they’re there. Reminders that even someone like Sadie struggled to find her way in this cruel world. Struggled to find her strength and confidence.

Sniffling, I draw my brows together and close my eyes briefly at the sensation of the raised line under my thumb. With a shallow breath, I open them again and nod before gently guiding her hands, this time, toward my neck.

To that spot near my collarbone where a client stabbed me when I was seventeen and spoke out after he refused to pay for his session with me.

Sadie brushes against my skin tenderly, but it still makes me tremble. It was the first time I really thought I was going to die; when I was almost ready to give up, to lay there until I bled out on the dirty motel room floor.

But I didn’t. Neither did she.

There it is, finally. My feet get firmly planted on the ground and my soul snugly fills every inch of my skin. The exact feeling that I convinced myself would only be achieved by putting a needle in my arm again.

When I open my eyes briefly, I see Sadie smiling. I keep taking slow, controlled breaths and further centering myself. Her touch is pleasant. Warm. She’s here with me. I am here . Still here, still fighting. That’s what I have to do. That’s what we promised each other.

What I promised myself.

“There you go.”

I nod again, exhaling through my mouth.

“That moment is gone,” she continues, voice grounding and smooth. “You’re here and now. You’re okay. Whatever is going on, you are in control, and you can do it.”

“ Fuck … What would I do without you?” I ask with a desperate chuckle.

Sadie smirks playfully, pulling away from my neck only to rest her hands lightly over my knees. They still tremble, but only a little. “You’d find the strength either way. We both know that. You have it in you,” she says, pointing firmly at my chest until her long fingernail digs into it, right above my heart. “Do you…want to tell me what it was that triggered you?” she asks carefully after a moment of silence.

I appreciate she makes it sound like I don’t have to talk about it, because I’m not sure I have the energy to get into everything. She doesn’t even know… Ah . She doesn’t even know how damn close I’ve been getting to Kobe.

In fact, I’ve barely admitted it to myself. And it’s…already over?

That doesn’t feel right. I don’t deserve this.

“Jasper wants me to do this client. Another…big dog,” I say, lowering my gaze. Sadie is right. I’m in control. In control of how I handle all of this. Right now, I need to focus on the most pressing matter. “Another major deal that somehow won’t be guaranteed until I please him. I have a…bad feeling about this one, that’s all.”

“I wish I could take him on for you, sweetheart,” Sadie says, brushing my cheek with an empathetic grimace.

I chuckle. “I know. I know you would if you could.”

Just that knowledge makes me feel stronger. Sadie is only a human. A mother. An artist. A beautiful, wonderful, loving soul. She takes on so much, and would part mountains for an idiot like me. If she can be all that, I have to try harder.

“I’ll um…get a coffee first,” I say, finally meeting her eyes again, this time with some determination. She seems pleased with the response, smiling even wider. “Yeah, I can do this. I’ll wash myself up and use one of those fancy body scrubs in the big bathroom. I’m…I’m going to handle this.” With a firm nod, I feel myself settling into a solid sense of security.

Sadie stands up and shifts the chair I sit in to face the mirror next to us. She leans over me from the back, meeting my gaze in the reflection. “I was supposed to dance, but let me ask Tash to take over for a while and I’ll help you find something to wear that will blow him away, okay?”

I smile at her and just watch her for a few moments, wondering how lucky I am to have her and how crazy in love I would’ve been with her if I were into women. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to,” she says, like she always does, and ruffles up my hair with a wink before walking away to talk to Tash.

When I’m left alone, I look at myself in the mirror, glad to see myself staring back at me again. Despite all the pain, hopelessness, and weakness, I’m still here. I have to remind myself of that more often.

Inhaling and exhaling slowly, mindfully, I close my eyes, outlining a solid plan in my mind. No more wandering. I have to stay focused. First, I put myself together physically. Then, I get myself into the zone for the client. Whoever he is, this is what I do best—please others with my body. I’m going to secure this deal. No matter what he wants to do, I’ve done worse. No matter the discomfort, my body can handle it, as long as my spirit remains strong.

After that, I will face the source of this storm head on.

I cook dinner for us after we come home, which is unusually early. The sun sets behind me as I cut the meat and season it. Jasper loves this meal, so I take care to do it as flawlessly as possible.

My body still aches—the things that man did linger and probably will for a few more days—but I choose to ignore it. Whatever he did, whatever he made me do, it’s all unimportant. My focus is clear.

When Jasper doesn’t pay attention, I grind a few sleeping pills into dust and mix them into his portion. They should be enough to not make him immediately alarmed while also getting him to be believably tired. Even with my heart anxiously pounding inside my chest, I put on a smile as I take the plate to him.

We have a glass of wine and eat together. He talks and talks and talks about how well everything is going, and how happy the client was. I smile and nod. I look content and act charming for him. I say exactly what he wants me to say.

Thankfully, cuddling on the bed is the furthest things go. When his eyes start to grow heavy, I get on top of him, telling him to call it a night. He’s been working so hard , after all. With the good meal in his belly, some wine, and the pills, Jasper proves easy to convince and we snuggle in bed together.

Only I don’t intend to sleep.

I slip out as soon as I’m sure Jasper’s in a deep, pill-assisted slumber. I order a taxi on my phone, having it pick me up a few blocks away, and find some unassuming, comfortable clothes in the closet to put on. An old, loose hoodie I haven’t worn in ages and sweats. He’s not getting any damn effort from me.

Pulling my hair into a messy bun at the back of my head, I sneak out of the house and make my way to the spot where I’m supposed to be picked up by the taxi.

On the way, my nerves show. I look down at my hands and they tremble, but not just from anticipation. Anger starts surging through me, too. I won’t get emotional , I promise myself as I close them into fists. Until I know if he’s even worth my tears and get an explanation for his damn behavior, I won’t.

The drive passes fast. When the driver stops outside of the unassuming apartment block, I freeze in my seat. I stare at the spot where Kobe pointed his gun at me that time and there’s suddenly a painful twist inside my gut and a feeling of nausea that pushes its way up.

No. You have to do this.

“Thanks,” I mutter to the driver, and spring out of the vehicle. With my hood up and hands in my pockets, I go up the stairs. One after another, each echoing step bringing up that video in my head, like my brain finally decides to work with me by giving me exactly the fuel I need to stoke up the fire.

I told him my goddamn name.

I said it out loud for the first time in over six years and he thinks he can just throw that away to suck up to Jasper and have him show me the recording of it without facing me?!

My hand quivers with anger as I bang it against the door.

I keep replaying those moments we shared together in my head. The things he let me do. Things I haven’t really wanted to do with anybody else, or maybe didn’t feel safe to. With Kobe, everything was so effortless. Natural.

Someone’s door opens, but it’s not the one I want. Next door, an old woman peeks out curiously. I’m so furious and focused on one person only that the moment she meets my eyes, I snap.

“Mind your own fucking business,” I say sharply. With a downright astonished gasp, she quickly shuts the door and locks it.

I’m about to bang again when the door in front of me finally opens. He stands there, one eye poking through the small gap he makes as he cracks it slightly. I use all my strength to push in, making him stumble away. Without hesitation, I head right to his room, ignoring everything and everyone. I don’t so much as glance toward the people in the living room or give a second of attention to whatever Kobe mumbles.

Pacing back and forth before his bed, I wait for him to come in and face this, my heart sounding like a war drum in my ears.

The entire room smells like him, goddammit. Pine cones. Wet with the scent of fresh rain. That damn bast—

I turn, ready to go drag him here if I have to, but he’s already at the door, clicking it shut. The expression he has on is one of shame. He knows what’s coming, so I push whatever feelings seeing him like that and being so close swirl ups inside me, and keep the momentum of my rage going.

“Did you really mean what you said to him?” I ask sharply. I can’t stop moving. Can’t keep still. Pacing by the bed, I give him a glare every so often as he still stands by the door, looking down at the ground. He won’t face me. “Did you mean it?!” I repeat myself, this time louder.

Stopping, I stare at him, the anger threatening to completely consume me. As if to counteract that, another emotion bleeds through—betrayal. The cold, prickly sensation of betrayal spills throughout my heart, and it hurts .

“Did those moments we shared really mean nothing to you?” Suddenly, my voice is small.

Kobe twitches at those words, like he’s fighting with himself to look up.

I’m a fucking fool. Shaking my head, I let out a trembling breath and walk away from him, holding my hand over my mouth. Wasn’t it me who kept insisting our meetings had no string attached to them? Wasn’t it me who made sure to say it meant nothing from the start? So why am I here now, feeling so damn…

“I-I never said that,” he croaks, making me turn around at him. That careful softness in his expression should disarm me. I almost want it to. It’s that same softness I’ve seen somewhere deep inside him from the first moment we were close enough.

But I can’t let him get away with the pain he caused me so easily.

No. There’s still too much rage and ache and frustration in me. With a few quick steps, I get right in his face. Kobe shoots his head up with shock, eyes widening. “So did you say what you did just to get on Jasper’s good side? To get to a better position, closer to power like everyone else always wants to?” I poke him in the chest while bracing my teeth in anger.

I thought he was different. He was supposed to be different. I thought he saw me, but maybe…I was wrong. That realization burns a hole through my chest like acid.

“Or did you do it because you’re a fucking coward and you worry about your place at the bottom of the food chain? You enjoy me playing with you and like the entertainment, as long as it doesn’t threaten you in any way?” The stupid tears are coming back, so I raise my voice further, hoping to get over it if I give into the anger instead. “Huh?!” I push into his chest again, but Kobe barely moves. “Which one is it?! Which one of them are you; power hungry asshole or a coward?!”

Finally, he snaps. Something about his face changes and he grabs at my hands, already so close, pulling them together and squeezing them as he leans in.

“Have you considered that I might be doing it for everyone’s benefit and safety?” he pushes through his teeth, voice straining but low. There are emotions fighting in his eyes that I can’t quite read.

Shaking my head, I snort. “I don’t want to fucking hear it! God, I told you at the very beginning that I hate pity! I’m not this— I don’t need your protection , or whatever you think you’re doing that’s supposedly helping me!”

So many times in my life, people would pretend to do things to help me. To shield me from the world or from worse possibilities. But it was always more about them than it was about me. I was never the one at the center of it. Never asked for my opinion, never consulted. Just a little helpless doll being slung around from one pair of hands to the other, perpetually getting torn and tainted in the process.

“Don’t you?” he snaps retorts with a deep frown. I pull back with an unhappy grimace of my own, but he keeps going. “Did you know he recorded everything? Did you, Apollo?!” he presses.

I blink and step away, slipping out of his grasp.

No. No, I didn’t know he recorded…everything?

My expression must be a good enough answer for Kobe. “Right! Not just in his office. I had a look around the Dollhouse. Those aren’t fire alarms in every room, Apollo. They’re cameras. Every – room. He records everything . Probably even recorded us when we were…” Kobe’s voice becomes uneasy before it drifts off into silence.

Our intimate moments together. Jasper…saw what we did?

A memory appears in my mind. When I found him with the broken monitor in his office. I thought it was his father, but it wasn’t that at all. Because that same night, Kobe and I were together in the Pink Room. It all clicks. That’s why he was furious.

My cheeks heat up while my veins run with ice in a dizzying contrast.

“Do you not worry about the way everything’s heading? The people he’s pulling in, the things he’s doing?” Kobe speaks with more and more urgency in his words as he reaches for my hands again. Staring ahead blankly, I let him. “You can’t be okay with it. You can’t still—” he pauses abruptly like something tug at him, some invisible leash.

I do. Of course I fucking worry about things. And I sure as hell am not happy about what is going on, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

“I can’t what?” I blurt out, meeting his gaze with defiance. No matter how hard I try to keep that anger inside me alive, though, it’s fading. With his every word, it is fading, and I am being pulled back into him. Away from Jasper. Away from reason. From safety.

Into silly, foolish dreams and ideas that are dangerous as much as they are enticing.

Kobe stares at me, those gentle brown eyes swirling with thoughts. Just say it. Say whatever you’re so afraid to.

“You can’t still love him,” he says, so hesitantly and softly it’s as if a thousand fluttering butterflies come alive in my stomach. He escapes my gaze, drawing his brows together in an expression of inner turmoil. “Not when he speaks about you the way he does. When he— Fuck… ”

At first, I want to throw it back in his face—tell him how he knows nothing about my relationship, about Jasper, about my life. But the hurtful words Jasper would let out when we fight start sounding around me. Like low, devilish murmurs that tingle at my spine. I don’t want to believe it, but I know deep down that he must be comfortable saying those horrible things to other people if he says them to me.

“I saw how you looked at me with that body,” Kobe whispers, and the way he does completely pulls me out of my thoughts and back into reality. He faces away from me, tightening his hands into fists so tightly I see the muscles in his arms flex and bulge, and so does the vein running down the side of his neck. “I never… I didn’t want you to…”

The images flash in front of my eyes.

Shaking my head, I suddenly can’t live with the idea that he thinks I fear or despise him. It starts eating me up inside. “I was just…in shock,” I mutter. “I know you aren’t like him.”

As I hear my own words, my body tenses. With each one of them, I feel myself moving further and further away. I never would have questioned Jasper before.

He was my world. My everything. He gave me everything. A life without being dependent and desperate and in fear. He was the first to really love me, to stick with me. So how can I even think this way? How can I allow myself to see him in this light?

How can I admit to myself that what I’m seeing is the ugly truth?

Kobe narrows his lips. “He wanted you to see it. You know he did, Apollo.”

I clench my teeth and draw my brows together. Again, I step away, even though the realization sinks in. Why is pain all I feel when I think about Jasper now? It used to be different. And why is a single glance at Kobe enough to make me melt, to remind me of the way he called my name and how magical it felt to be vulnerable and real?

‘This is just a distraction,’ a voice inside my head says, eerily similar to Jasper’s. What am I really doing here? There’s nothing I can do. My life is a cage. I can’t leave. I can’t leave him because I’d be nothing without him.

Because he would never let me go.

“Apollo,” I hear Kobe in front of me, but I keep shaking my head, unable to stop myself from spiraling. Even as he touches me. Even as he takes my hands and pulls me close.

Not until I feel his lips on mine.

With a deep exhale into his mouth, I close my eyes and finally ease. His soft lips glide against mine with the perfect amount of pressure. The scent of him seeps into me. With his hand softly holding the back of my head, I let out a quiet whimper of pleasure and relief.

He kisses me in a way Jasper never did.

In a way I’ve dreamed about when I was young and na?ve. Like lovers do in the movies. The big, explosive, meaningful exclamation of love that brings comfort and displays unconditional devotion. I think this is what it’s supposed to feel like.

When we finally pull apart, it’s as if I’m being robbed of the very thing that’s keeping me alive. It pulls the air out of my lungs and it takes everything out of me to not reach for him again.

“I hated saying it,” he says, still holding me close. His nose brushes against mine, making me shiver. “But I had to say it. If…if I told you there was a way out of this, a way to stop this madness and maybe get a happy ending, would you believe me?”

I blink and meet his eyes with confusion. What does he mean? That’s only a dream. A stupid dream.

He seemingly takes my hesitant silence as agreement. “I’m asking you to trust me. I am begging you to trust me on this. I can’t tell you more and I’m sorry, so all I’m asking you is to believe me when I say I’m doing it all for both of us to be safe. I’m doing the right thing. Can you do that?” There’s so much tension in his voice. Desperation that claws against the walls I’ve been trying to build around my heart.

Feeling the burn of tears in my eyes, I nod. With a deep exhale, Kobe pulls me close and presses his forehead against mine. His touch is warm, so warm, and his breath against my face feels like being wrapped in a cocoon of safety.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

Somehow, those two words seem to carry more than all the ‘I love you’s I’ve ever heard.