Page 21

Chapter 20

Apollo

I thought I already hated working enough and would enjoy some time off. But as it turns out, I hate not working almost as much. When Jasper said he would shut down the Dollhouse for two days to let things settle—and so that he can pretend to mourn and plan to avenge his father—I figured it was great. After everything that happened, it would be a chance to wind down and grow close again.

Of course, I didn’t realize it meant he would still go in and leave me at home alone. I don’t like being at home alone. Doing nothing. Nothing but thinking.

And my stupid mind is not a good place to be…

The TV doesn’t hold my attention. Neither is playing around with my makeup. I clean half of my brushes before the motivation leaves me completely and I end up on the window bench, staring out into space. Everything and anything my head allows me to focus on is what happened. I keep replaying each second of the past two days, scene by scene, trying to figure out what the hell I’m feeling and how to deal with it.

I wish life was simpler. Like back when I was still using.

Sure, it sucked. It was killing me slowly and every moment between the hits was torture, but right after I did it, everything became so clear and easy. For a little while, at least.

A rattling sense of unease descends upon me the more I marinate in that thought. A thought I shouldn’t have.

Panic comes next. The same panic I used to feel at the beginning of trying to get sober when I’d think about the urges and the temptations. I feared slipping so much back then, but more than anything, I feared disappointing Jasper. After all, it was his only condition for helping me. That hard line he set itself drove the good half of my success. The other half was my determination to start over and live better, but Jasper was always there. Supporting me. Motivating me. Listening to me like no one did before. I don’t know if I could’ve done it without him.

Now, he isn’t here. He is further away than he’s ever been, it feels, and not just physically. There’s still so much anger brewing inside of me regarding him. The kind of anger and resentment one shouldn’t feel toward their partner. My head’s all boggled up with it.

Confused and alone—the exact diabolical combination that used to bring up the temptation to erase it all.

I grab my phone, unable to shake off the horrible feeling of being terrified of my own mind. I need to talk to someone, anyone , before I do something stupid. Sadie is my first choice. I can’t bother Jasper right now, and I don’t want him to know I’m being like this. It would only make him frustrated with me.

She picks up quickly. “Hey, sugar,” she says in that cheerful, sweet way that makes her the only person who could ever call me that without eliciting the usual disgusted response. Smiling to myself, I shift on the bench, still staring out of the window. It’s a nice day. The sun’s out, sky’s blue, and it seems like that’s exactly what Sadie is enjoying right now. I hear voices in the background—shouting and giggling and lively chatter. She must be out with her kid and family.

And here I am, calling her because I have no one else and can’t stop wishing I could use again.

“Hey, I’m— Sorry to bother you,” I finally say after staying quiet for far too long and wasting her time even further. “I didn’t realize you’d be busy.”

Sadie might love sex more than anyone I know, but it isn’t everything to her. Of course she’s using the rare couple days off work to enjoy it with her loved ones like a normal person.

She must sense from my voice that something’s wrong because when she speaks, her tone is deeper and not as high-energy. “You know you’re not bothering me.”

“What are you up to?”

“Jackson got invited to a birthday party by this posh family in his daycare,” she says, lowering her voice a little, presumably so that said posh family doesn’t hear her, “and oh my god, Apollo! It’s like two events in one. One for the kids and another for adults. They hired so many entertainers and gig workers that no one even has to watch their kids. There’s a bar and their garden is massive!”

For the first time today, I smile. The excitement in her words is palpable. I’m glad she’s having fun. “Sounds great.” I hope my voice matches her vibe somewhat.

“You’re not just sitting at home all day, are you?” she asks with a biting undertone. Hearing my chuckle must be enough of an answer. “Come on! You always talk about how you want time off from having everyone glare and paw at you, so enjoy it. Do some shopping. See a movie. Or go for a walk.”

All decent suggestions. All normal things normal people would do. Things I would like to do, in theory.

But when I imagine myself doing them, everything inside of me tenses and my heart recoils deeper into my chest. It seems like a mundane, peaceful existence that isn’t for me. It’s for those who don’t have so much darkness burdening them and have hopes and dreams and interest in things. Comparing myself to them feels wrong.

“Maybe I should,” I mutter, staring blankly into my lap. While I make my tone hopeful, I have no intention of really considering it.

Sadie buys my lie. “Please, do . Okay? Promise me!” she demands.

I know I can’t talk to her anymore, pulling her down from the heights of the nice place she’s in and into my filth, so I chuckle and nod. “Yeah, yeah. I promise I’ll do something fun.” She’s helped me enough, and she deserves to not have to be burdened with my weakness.

“I will want to see proof, mister. Gotta go now. Jackson looks like he’s going to start fist fighting this toddler. Treat yourself! I love you,” she says, and my heart flutters.

“I love you,” I say it back with a smile. Only with Sadie do those words feel pure. Like what they’re supposed to mean. Light and true.

The call ends and after a few moments, the screen in my hands goes dark. I stare at it, wondering when was the last time those words meant something with anybody else. Love . Such a weird, hard-to-grasp thing. But should it be? Or is it just me who’s too messed up to truly comprehend such a basic facet of human existence?

Blinking, I realize tears are pushing their way out. It’s unusual for me to feel this shit even after talking to Sadie.

I unlock my phone again and open the messages. Kobe . I read over the text he sent last night, telling me he’s feeling better and thanking me for my help. All day I worried about him. Or maybe I just used what happened to Kobe to relive my trauma, masochistically delving back into the pain of the past to prove to myself I was over it.

I want to call him, unsure why exactly. Is it because Sadie couldn’t give me the relief I hoped for and I want someone else to deal with this for me? Nothing but my own selfishness again? Or is this feeling that I simply need to hear his voice and make sure that he’s alright real?

Pressing my lips together, I swallow and put the phone down.

What are you doing?

The connection I forced onto him is what got him hurt in the first place. I still can’t believe Jasper did that. To anyone, but of all people, to Kobe. It burns inside my chest, that knowledge, whether it’s because of guilt or anger.

Is that what I’m trying to erase?

Narrowing my eyes, I stare at my hands. I can’t slip after so many years, and I sure as hell can’t do it to ignore something horrendous Jasper has done. The spite comes alive within me again, and even if that’s not the best way to deal with this, it’s a powerful enough tool to push away from wanting to use.

I should want to forgive Jasper. Try to understand him. But spite…will do. I need to be in my right mind to keep him in check as much as I can, especially now. And to protect Kobe, if I’m even capable of doing that.

A bath—I decide that would be my treat.

I might not be able to face the world today, no matter how beautiful it is, but I can do this. Tomorrow, I’ll get back to work, and so will Kobe. No matter how much I wish Jasper had given him longer to recover. I’m going to check up on him then.

Heading for the bathroom, I’m a bit lighter in body and mind. I cling to the prospect of seeing those soft brown eyes, ignoring the terrifying implication of how intensely I want to. I might be playing with fire…but it feels so lovely and warm.

?

The atmosphere is as tense as anyone would expect when we all return. Everybody’s on edge. The dolls, Jasper’s men, even the few clients that come in. I constantly see people passing by with guns, loading out automatic rifles and shotguns.

It makes me nervous. Handguns and knives are one thing. I’ve been around those things since I could remember. The streets are dangerous. Everyone carries something to protect themselves with. But whatever Jasper is putting into motion looks more like a preparation for a full-on war. Not self-defense. Not protection. An assault.

Even the clients sense it. Most likely, they know the extent of it better than I do. These men from other corners of the crime world or those working with Jasper all walk around with much more care.

For the first time, I have to really try hard with many of them. It’s difficult to get in the mood with some sort of gang war hanging over one’s head, I guess. I’m supposed to be the one to distract them from it, and that’s a lot harder than entertaining horny bastards drunk on power and control. Right now, none of them feel in full control.

Besides Jasper, that is. He’s on a high—has been since it happened—and I don’t like it.

“Fucking hell,” I mutter to myself as soon as my client leaves the room. He took an unholy amount of time to get to a completion. My mouth is sore and my knees barely extend as I stretch them out with a groan, feeling them crack.

It seems to be my last client for the day at least. Most of our visitors today have been hanging out in the main area, almost like they’re scared. Staying in smaller groups at the bar or around the dancing platform, they watch the girls do their magic on the poles. It’s been amusing seeing those big shots give such an unusual aura of uncertainty.

I go to the bathroom to wash out my mouth and freshen up before heading to the backroom. I messaged Kobe to meet me in the back after I’m done if he has the time, and I didn’t get a chance to check on his response yet.

I’ll be at our spot.

Smiling to myself, I look at the time. Shit . He sent it a while ago.

I hope that prick’s prolonged blowjob session didn’t ruin my chance and head to the loading bay. In the previous message, he said that Jasper has been weirdly apathetic to him. Is he avoiding him because of what happened? I can’t say I believe he feels guilty about it. He could also be trying to punish Kobe by ignoring him.

Or maybe he’s too busy planning his domination of the city to even worry about Kobe. And me. We barely spoke in the past two days…

I turn into the wide corridor leading to the bay and hear voices. Slowing down, I tense up and listen. There shouldn’t be any people. No one usually goes here.

“I can see it in your eyes, you know?” a man says in that sleazy tone I’ve been talked to by so many clients trying to butter me up. I recognize the voice, but can’t put a face to it, so I continue, stepping quietly now.

As I glance around the corner, I notice Kobe near the door leading out and onto the loading bay. One of Jasper’s goons is right next to him, basically pushing into his personal bubble. Kobe’s head is down and to the side. He stands pressed against the wall, his hand balled into a fist as he shifts on his feet nervously. The man leans in closer.

He sniffs him, openly drawing in his pheromones. And in that moment, it hits me that I, in fact, sense two sets of pheromones faintly drifting toward me. One unfamiliar, strong and savory, and another, weaker, but much more pleasant. Wet pine cones.

“Don’t play coy with me, bud. We’re all friends here. And you haven’t said no, so…clearly you wanna do it. I can smell it. Can’t hide the scent of omega lustin’ for some cock.”

Dread mixed in with rage lashes down my spine like a whip, leaving an unsettling tingling behind in its wake.

Kobe really isn’t refusing him—he’s not saying anything, yet his body speaks plenty. His chest lifts high and plummets. The way he shifts about as if he is trying to slither out of his skin and presses himself against the wall isn’t a body language of someone wanting it. It’s one of an omega in heat, faced with an alpha tempting their resolve, desperate for release from what they know might relieve them.

The dread subsides, letting the rage guide me.

“Hey!” I shout across the hall and make my way toward them. Both of them jerk in response, only in a completely different manner. Kobe’s eyes find me quickly, lit up with relief, while the goon with a slightly familiar face looks like he was just caught with his hand in the candy jar. He sharply puffs out his broad chest and frowns at me.

“What do you want, dolly? Can’t you see we’re busy?” he asks with a shit-eating grin.

Disgusting prick.

“Shouldn’t you go be useful to Jasper instead of fucking around? I don’t think he’d appreciate it,” I say sharply, nearly barking it at him. He can try to hide it as much as he wants, but I see in his eyes that he, too, is terrified of Jasper’s unpredictability right now, and of his potential wrath. Anyone with half a brain cell is already whispering about him staging his father’s murder, anyway.

The alpha clicks his tongue with an annoyed grimace. He flashes Kobe a glare, but he looks back at him with defiance. He understands he’s not getting what he wants.

Stomping like a child, he aims for the door I came from. “You’re lucky you are his favorite toy,” he pushes the words through his teeth as he passes me.

I flare my nostrils, but that’s the entirety of a reaction I give him. I don’t have time to ponder about his gibe, even if it stung. Not with Kobe letting out a prolonged sigh and leaning over his knees, head hung between his shoulders.

I make a few more steps toward him quickly. The scent becomes much more clear, and so does this…sweetness to it. A slight tweak to the way it’s perceived that makes it significantly more alluring. A consequence of what Jasper did. Dammit .

“Kobe,” I whisper, carefully touching his shoulder.

He shakes his head and looks up at me, narrowing his brows with a grateful smile. “Fuck, I nearly… I almost let him do it,” he mutters, eyes darting to the side. His voice is hushed and small. “I imagined letting him fuck me against a wall like a— I never felt like this in heat before. I took my pills, but my hormones are all out of whack.” Rubbing his face, Kobe leans back and lets out a trembling exhale.

My stomach threatens to upturn as I watch him, his words echoing in my head and tugging at my heart. I can’t help but think about those times when I was drugged out of my mind and how horrible it was being out of control of my body. He shouldn’t have to experience this. And it’s all my fault.

“Come with me,” I say, grabbing his hand. He jerks up, all wide-eyed, but hesitates only for a moment before letting me lead him wherever I want to.

I need to make him feel better. Get the worst of these raging hormones out of his system so that no one else threads on him like this. I know what all these good-for-nothing alphas think of him. They saw what Jasper did.

The furious urge to rip his goddamn head off washes over me again.

I quickly escort Kobe into the smallest of the themed rooms. They’re all empty now, so we can be safe and alone. I lock the door behind us, and can’t not smile at the flustered expression on his face. It’s obvious Kobe’s suffering—his cheeks look all dewy and flush, and his breaths are quick—but he looks downright adorable thinking about what’s to come.

And his pheromones… I’ve never thought of another omega’s scent as arousing. Not really. Not besides Kobe.

“I’m gonna help you feel better,” I say softly. This is still a little new to him. And it might be even more overwhelming at the moment. “The vibrator will take the edge off, so that you can focus on work and hopefully not get harassed anymore,” I add with a bitter smile.

Kobe watches me cautiously as I inch toward the set of drawers, but nods in agreement.

This room is The Purple Dream. I like it the most because of the dreamy vibe and the smaller size. In the right lighting, it feels magical. As magical as buying a room for fucking a prostitute can be. So I put the dim, violet lights on and turn off the abrasive, white one on the ceiling. The dark walls almost make it look like there are no borders at all. The bed is my favorite part, with the lovely, sheer fabric draping from above it. Kobe looks intrigued, too. He slowly walks to it and glances around.

I leave the music off. The idea of it feels performative, and I want this moment to be anything but that. It’s for Kobe and no one else. To soothe and relieve him.

With the vibrator in my hand, I walk up to the bed next to him. He sits at the edge, spreading his legs and revealing his erection aching to be released.

I brush against it, drawing a strained grunt out of him. “Come on… Get your clothes off. Unless you want cum all over them,” I say teasingly and slowly work my fingers against the front of his shirt, tugging at the top button. Heat radiates out of Kobe’s skin. His pheromones pretty much seep out of his pores.

I want to make this only about him and focus on nothing else, but I can’t ignore the way my own cock already grows uncomfortably rigid. Swallowing hardly, I lick my lips. Kobe’s eyes catch the movement and fixate on it, pure lust dancing inside them.

He undoes his belt, zipper, then his shirt, until he stands at the foot of the bed naked. I don’t move, just sit there watching him with all of my willpower and patience. I wanted to get started with the vibrator, because I know how well the high setting of it helps with that maddening sense of emptiness and need an omega can feel down there when in heat but…Kobe’s so close to my face, his cock standing as hard as a mast, so I can’t resist doing a little more.

I pull him closer, his crotch perfectly in line with my mouth.

With the lovely surprised gasp he makes, I shut my eyes and start working the entire length of him. He cries out and tenses like a bowstring. Within moments, his hands grab me and dig into my hair with desperation. The urge to rub my thighs together grows stronger inside of me as I bob my head in and out. I divert my attention away by sliding my hands around the lower curve of his ass cheeks.

“Fuck,” he blurts out in response to my fingers basically slipping into his hole with how wet it is.

‘Nothing is as delicious and juicy as an omega in heat,’ I’ve heard over and over again throughout the years in this filthy business. I always thought it was just one of those sleazy, horny phrases alphas would moan in my ear to get themselves riled up, but as I work my two fingers from each side into Kobe’s ass, I see what they meant.

I understand what they might have found so damn arousing about it.

Kobe makes the most sinful sounds above me. He already twitches against the inside of my throat when I thrust my fingers into him a few times. I hate it when people tug at my hair in bed, but when Kobe tightens his grasp at it while he shoots his load into my mouth, I let out a quiet moan and roll my eyes into the back of my head.

I pull away and carefully help him kneel on the bed. He’s all shaky, his eyes glassy and breath hitching from the orgasm. I consider giving him a break when he surprises me by seizing my lips. He’s messy, lunging toward me as if he’s trying to devour me. I kiss him back, wrestling with his tongue that laps against mine.

“Still hard,” I note as we part to let out a few pants of air. Making out feels fucking hot, but it won’t alleviate his desperation. “On your knees or on your back? How do you want it?” I ask as my finger, still glistening with his wetness, gently stretches out the loose curl falling down his face.

His cheeks look so beautiful when they’re flushed with blood.

Blinking slowly, Kobe finally steadies his breath. “O-on my back,” he says and before I even suggest it, he moves past to lie down. No more coyness. He wants it. Needs it.

Needs me .

I push the urge to pull out my cock and fuck him right there like an animal aside. I want to do it so badly it hurts, but Kobe isn’t in the headspace to agree to something more intense properly. Not without me feeling I somehow took advantage of his hormone-driven lust. So instead, I do as I promised, and pick up the vibrator I dropped on the bed.

Kneeling between his open legs, I watch him quiver with anticipation.

At the sound of the low buzzing, Kobe closes his eyes and allows his head to fall back with a guttural groan. Oh , he’s ready to really enjoy it. Or maybe he just wants that nagging, maddening urge to ease. Either way, I will make him feel good.

I switch the vibrator into the more intense, steady wave pulse. Teasing him around his hole first, I don’t take too long before plunging in. Kobe all but sucks it in, moaning and arching his back as he searches for the friction. “That’s it,” I say, watching him with a smile. “Relax into it.”

He smells so fucking delicious. I’m nearly disgusted with myself, thirsting for him like that deplorable bastard earlier.

“Mhmmm,” he hums under me, settling into the rhythm, the buzzing of the vibration’s pulse, and the way I thrust in and out with increasing speed. Patience isn’t the game right now. When in heat, all I want is to get fucked fast and hard, so I presume he feels the same.

Kobe mumbles something too breathy and quiet for me to hear. “What is it?” I ask, leaning over him.

Opening his eyes, he locks his heavy gaze on me and reaches out. I allow him to pull me in by my nape until our bodies are parallel to each other, my knees resting by his hips and my hand next to his ear. I can’t reach and control the vibrator at the same time, so I let go and bend down until our foreheads nearly touch. “I said closer ,” he whispers, breathing hot air into my face.

My heart hiccups at the way he says it.

Kobe moves his fingers down, gliding and caressing that spot at the back of my neck where the venus gland is and I feel explosive, intoxicating tingles pass from there to the tips of my toes. The moan it pushes out of me gets suffocated by Kobe’s lips pressing against mine.

Closer .

The word echoes in my head like some powerful spell while he presses himself against me and pants into my mouth. The pressure inside me is getting impossible to ignore. as my cock strains, full of blood underneath the fabric of my tight booty shorts, threatening to burst. Begging to be used, touched, all of it.

“I’m close,” Kobe whimpers, but now his voice is high-strung and weak. I feel his lower half shift under me, most likely because he’s propping his feet against the bed to be able to thrust against the vibrator still inside him. My free hand kneads through his soft hair in the same rhythm as his hips and his fingers push against the skin on my neck. “Clo— Mhm!”

“That’s it. Come for me,” I whisper, pressing our faces together. Kobe’s breath hitches and his body tenses. He comes with a guttural moan, eyes closed and lips pressed against mine.

Fuck. I’m going to lose my mind.

With the last of my sanity, I place a careful kiss against his sweaty forehead and pull away to remove and switch off the vibrator to stop the overstimulation while he recovers.

When I turn back to him, Kobe is staring at me. Staring at me like he still didn’t have enough. Raising my brows in surprise, I glance down at his dick, which isn’t as hard as it was before, but definitely not soft.

I smirk and kneel over him again. “More, huh?”

“It’s all your fault,” he says, words shaky with the quick inhales.

My stomach constricts painfully before I realize he doesn’t mean what my mind goes to first. That he’s not blaming me for what Jasper did and just flirting.

Kobe uses my moment of distraction to reach for my shorts and unbuttons them.

I nearly yelp, shutting my eyes briefly when my cock finally springs out of the restraints. It feels heavenly. Kobe stares down at it hungrily; my underwear is so wet with precum it almost looks like I came too.

Breathing out deeply, I meet his gaze to get confirmation that he really wants to continue. He pulls me down over him again while I kick my clothes off. When I settle in to kneel comfortably over him, Kobe sends a jolt of arousal through me by grabbing our cocks and tightly pressing them together.

“Ah fuck, Kobe!” I groan, biting at his bottom lip before moving to kiss him.

He starts jerking us, his grip surprisingly firm and tempo controlled.

“This feels good,” he whispers. “Not j-just because of the heat, it’s… I’ve wanted to do this.” Kobe’s voice breaks under the weight of a soft cry of pleasure he can’t hold in. I’m barely keeping myself together. Barely pushing against the urge to come undone in his warm, firm, lovely hand.

He’s right in that—that this isn’t just because of his heat. It feels different. I don’t understand why or how, but I’ve frotted with dozens of guys and never had it felt so…intimate.

While his right hand brings us closer and closer to completion with every stroke, Kobe’s left moves from the back of my neck and into my hair. He runs his fingers through it, taking in my scent, and I feel his cock twitch in response. “Oh, Apollo…” he mutters, pressing us even closer together.

That is when an urge comes alive from somewhere deep inside me. A fierce, terrifying yearning for something I haven’t felt in so many years. Not once. Not a single time since I took my new name.

The moment it enters my mind, it’s like I want nothing else. Nothing else but Kobe looking at me with those eyes and saying that one word. The need gnaws at me, burning me up, rattling, threatening to consume me if I don’t give in.

“Dani,” I say, probably so quietly he can’t hear. Kobe focuses his gaze on me, noticing some kind of shift, and tilts his head questioningly. “Call…call me Dani. Please ,” I whisper, my voice trembling. It feels as if I’m giving something up. As if I am surrendering power over myself to him, but I’m not scared. Instead, a wave of relief passes over me, second in intensity only to the nervous anticipations of his response.

Kobe widens his eyes. The movements of his hands slow while his other hand softly brushes across my cheek.

Why is he looking at me like…that? Like he’s seeing me for the first time?

My chest constricts and cheeks prickle with tears that build up somewhere within.

“Dani…”

My heart skips a beat before it sets off to pound a million beats a second.

That name was something I chose to leave behind. It was tied to the person I was before; sad, desperate, lonely, useless. The kid his own parents didn’t want. The boy that old men pulled into a disgusting, terrible world of using his body and feeling worthless because of it. I thought it was burdening me and felt empowered when Jasper suggested the new one and yet…out of Kobe’s mouth, spoken with such tenderness, it feels like coming home.

“Dani,” he says again before joining our lips. My cheeks burn and tears pool in the corners of my eyes as I close them, leaning into him, into his love, his scent, his touch. The word echoes in my mind, blending in with Kobe’s huffs as he edges us to the point of no return. Wrapping my feet with his and putting my hand over his, we completely unravel into an incoherent mess of bliss together.

The orgasm pulses through my entire being for a few more seconds. As I lay there collapsed on top of Kobe, who wraps his arms around me, I feel that buzz of comfort and pleasure tickle at places in my body and soul that I rarely do.

I open my eyes, mostly to make sure I’m not dreaming.

Kobe lifts his chest sharply, lying under me with closed eyes and a smile on his lips, petting my head softly. I wish I could let him fall asleep. Unfortunately, I don’t think we can stretch our luck that far. At least his pheromones seem weaker. If coming three times doesn’t settle his hormones a little, I don’t know what will.

“Do you…ever think about leaving this life?” he asks quietly, eyes still closed.

My subconscious, immediate response is a concerned frown. That is a dangerous question. One I never allow myself to consider.

Is Kobe also not happy with how volatile everything has been recently? Is he having second thoughts? “I…” I pause with my mouth hanging open.

For him, I try to venture into the reality I never let myself entertain. No, that isn’t true. The thought comes to me from time to time, but I always suppress it. Because thinking about such things never leads anywhere. After all, what value do I have without what I do now? Without what Jasper gives me? If I left, what would there be for someone like me in this world? No education, no skills, no power.

My beauty is all I have. And one day, it will fade. My body will fail me, rendering me useless. What then? What would I do? What use would I be to anyone?

The sense of dread and misery sneaks up on me. It grips my throat, making it difficult to breathe.

A life without all this…

I try to pull my focus back to his question. Without the constant, exhausting game of pretense. Without the need to preen and show off. Without those cold, vile hands always grabbing at me, pulling at me, leaving their marks on every part of me. A life without the looks of disgust, superiority, judgment and greed…

It’s hard to imagine a life without everything I’ve known. If I remove all of it, there’s an endless void of nothingness. What would fit there, if anything?

Feeling his hand as he pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, I blink and focus on Kobe. He’s studying me pensively, still waiting for an answer. His face shines in that dark abyss inside my mind like a beacon.

Maybe that existence wouldn’t be as scary and hopeless with him.

“I do,” I whisper, lowering my eyes and voice. But he isn’t mine. I shouldn’t be even thinking things like that in the first place. “Not like that matters, though…”

He notices my mood dropping and pulls his hand away.

“Let’s just…lay here for a moment?”

With a nod, I rest my head back against his chest and listen to the melodic beats of his heart, blocking out anything else. For a little while longer, we can act like this is the only truth that exists.