Page 14

Chapter 14

Apollo

I can’t get him out of my mind. Him and his gaze filled with anger instead of the usual care and that charming shyness. Anger I’ve seen on the faces of so many men in my time. The unleashed, unpredictable kind. Only this time, I can’t make myself be mad at him for doing that to me. For breaking that illusion of being able to always feel safe around him. An illusion of Kobe not being like all of those other men who could hurt me or kill me if they so wanted.

Why don’t I feel angry? It is because deep down, I know I deserved it? Because I hurt him and brought this all on myself?

The guilt and frustration mix inside my stomach, making it ache. I frown to myself.

Yeah, I didn’t tell the exact truth. But how was I supposed to expect for Jasper to start chatting with Kobe about it? I thought he would ignore it, like he so often does with things he doesn’t quite like.

Kobe had no right to say what he said, even if he wasn’t entirely unreasonable to feel wronged by me. He just threw those insults at me, having no real idea about my life. Does he actually think I’m untouchable?! That everything is easy for me? The idea makes me recoil inside. And the way he looked at me in itself…almost as if he despised me.

I wish it was as easy as Kobe sees it. I know damn well my position isn’t guaranteed. Never was. Never will be.

Jasper might treasure me most of the time, and take care of me, and make me feel safe, but no matter what he does or what he tells me, that sense of uncertainty always stays. It never goes away. No matter how many years we’re together and no matter how many beautiful things he buys me. Maybe it’s me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me .

Either way, I can’t shake a horrible feeling when thinking about that. The kind that burns a hole through my chest and makes it hard to breathe.

I catch myself tearing up, so I blink sharply and look up. The hairy, chiseled stomach of my client is mostly all I see before I raise my gaze until my eyes ache inside my head, and see his satisfied face looking down on me. Right…the cop. You’re with the cop.

Like many others, he’s been in Jasper’s father’s pocket for years.

Even if I started crying right now, he’d probably enjoy it. And it wouldn’t be too surprising, considering his thick cock hitting the back of my throat, barely allowing me to breathe. The corners of my mouth burn as they’re being stretched, yet I try to look like I’m loving this.

At least he’s a beta. I don’t have to worry about dealing with his pheromones or him calling me Sugar and all that shit. Still, this policeman who’s been coming to see me for years and has a wife and a daughter at home stares at me like I’m the most wonderful thing he’s ever witnessed.

He tightens his grip on my hair, speeding up the pace of my head bobbing in and out as he gets closer. I close my eyes, fighting through the discomfort and the rough way he uses my mouth. When it’s over, I let out a breath of relief, masquerading as a proud exclamation.

I meet his gaze as he pulls his cock out slowly, his thumb resting against my cheek. “Swallow. All of it, baby,” he whispers with a glazed-over, drunk stare, and watches me as I do, smiling widely. His sperm has a weird taste that I don’t like. I can’t wait to wash out my mouth.

My jaw aches. With a deep exhale, the cop leans back in the booth, running his fingers through his hair. I sit on the ground in front of him and pray he lets me leave without insisting on making me come, too.

“Unfortunately for you, I gotta go,” he says while glancing at his watch, and immediately pulls his pants up and works on doing up his belt.

I want to ask him if it’s because his wife is making him dinner, or if he needs to pick his child from her friend’s house. Instead, I put on that stupid, helpless smile. “Maybe next time,” I say teasingly, and get a hungry glance in return.

Now dressed, he stands over me. “I’ll hold you to that, Sweetcheeks.” He smirks before walking away. Oh, please don’t.

He’d be tolerable, nice enough to look at, if he wasn’t such a gross bastard.

When he’s finally gone and it’s just me in the small private booth, I hang my head down. The last client of the night, I soothe myself. Why don’t I feel as happy as I should? Usually, my body would relax. A weight would lift off my shoulders. But I’m still…

His face flashes before my eyes, making me frown. His words echo in my mind like a haunting of some ghost.

“Goddammit.” I stand up sharply.

I can’t think about him right now. I don’t want to think about him.

On my way to the backroom, I message Jasper, telling him I’m done. It takes a while for him to respond. He has some things to finish up and will take another ‘half an hour or so’. That usually means an hour or more.

Fully experiencing the toll of the day’s pretending and performing fall on me, I sit at my station, facing the mirror with an unhappy grimace. I look like a mess.

I unfocus my eyes and stare ahead even as others move around me. Thankfully, everyone ignores me, knowing I need my peace when I do. A few dolls change into their everyday clothes and chat for a bit before going home. There can’t be too many people left on the floor.

A few minutes later, the door opens another time, bringing with it the music, heat, and a familiar scent of spiced apples. Sadie .

I feel myself come alive a little as I turn at her. She waves at and kisses Naomi on the cheek as she passes her before heading toward me. “What are you doing, just sitting here?” Sadie asks with a soft expression, somehow sensing my low mood. With a sigh, she plops on her chair next to me and turns it to face me.

“Just…winding down. Waiting for Jasper,” I mutter while absent-mindedly studying her beautiful high heels. They sparkle with burgundy and bright red tones, the pattern being something like an oil spill but with sparkles and in her iconic colors.

Sadie tilts her head with that ‘I will fix this’ lip pucker of hers.

I know she’ll try to help me and make me feel better. She always does. But before she can, I notice the teeth-shaped bruise on the side of her neck, exposed by her hair falling behind her shoulder. “Are you okay?” I ask with a sharp inhale, reaching out to gently touch it.

She let’s out a light chuckle. “Ah, it’s fine.” Still, I can’t help feeling uneasy seeing it. I’m not dumb—I realize that even someone as sexually adventurous and open as Sadie has their limits. “The clients today were a little over the top, but it’s honestly not that much worse than when Jackson bites me sometimes,” she says and swiftly shows me the fading bruise on her inner forearm. Much smaller, but also dancing with shades of purple.

“Ooof,” I mouth. “Babies are…really weird.”

Sadie laughs. “Yeah, well, he’s got little teeth now, and he doesn’t realize how strong they can be.”

“Speaking of, you should probably go home. Don’t worry about me. God knows how long Jasper will take,” I say, hoping to get her to leave. Maybe because she should be with her kid. Maybe because I feel the melancholy setting in and want to wallow in it alone.

When I blink up in surprise in reaction to her gentle touch on my shoulder, she’s leaning toward me. “He’s asleep, darling. Won’t even know I’m not there,” she says, winking. Sometimes I think I don’t deserve a friend like her. Do I? Kobe was right. I am…I am selfish. “Besides, I barely got to talk to you today. And I wanted to show you this new palette I bought.”

My heart skips. “The Josie Keller one?”

“Damn right!” she exclaims and excitedly reaches into her drawer. Sadie pulls out the make-up palette everyone has been raving on about online. “The shipping took for-e-ver , but I finally got it. I haven’t even had a chance to use it yet.”

I let my eyes feast on those glorious colors, all so rich and pigmented, with a line of shimmery ones on top. It seemed almost possible when the claims came out in the campaign, but the palette really has shades that are perfect for anyone.

“Come on, let’s have some fun while you wait,” Sadie says, nearly bouncing in the seat next to me. Somehow, she already has a brush in her hand. “I’ve got some combinations I wanted to try, but I never seem to do as well on myself as I do putting it on for other people. Of course, I’m not as good as you , but ya know…”

“Shut up,” I groan playfully, and present her with my face.

Resting my hands on my lap, I sit motionlessly, patiently letting her execute her vision. Feeling the brush tickle against my skin is relaxing. I’ve always loved that sensation. Sadie makes this adorable expression when she focuses, narrowing only one of her eyes like a cartoon character.

When I close my eyes for her and the darkness encloses me, I feel safe. All the worries that have been burdening me today; all the haunting, disgusting looks of the men I’ve been with, even my aching body…it all ceases to exist.

It’s only my mind, floating into the void, listening to Sadie’s whistling of a bastardized version of some pop song. And then my imagination explodes into color, wondering what she’s creating on my eyelids, and how it’ll make me into somebody else. Somebody beautiful and flawless.

A smile creeps up on me.

Sometimes I wish I could stay like this forever. But life isn’t that simple.

Someone clears their throat across the room, making both me and Sadie jerk. She nearly stabs my eye with the brush in the process.

Jasper stands there, studying us with that hard-to-read expression, arms crossed over his chest. The way he slowly raises his brow causes me to dart my eyes to my phone on the table. I grab it, noticing the two missed calls from a few minutes ago.

“Shit,” I blurt. “Sorry, we…got a little distracted.”

Sadie smiles faintly next to me. “I’m almost done. Should I—”

“It’ll only take a couple of minutes to finish up,” I say quickly, glancing at Jasper. It’s late, and he seems annoyed, but it won’t take long. I make puppy eyes at him, hoping he allows me a few more minutes of bliss.

Cocking his head to the side, Jasper blinks slowly, and I clearly see his dissatisfaction as he studies my makeup. My stomach tightens. “Wipe that off and come to the car at the front, Apollo. I’m tired.” Leaving no space for discussion, he steps out of the door.

The disappointment seizes my chest like a steel claw. Forcing myself to smile, I briefly glance at Sadie, not long enough to fully see her face or allow her to convince me to go through with it anyway. ‘He can’t tell you what to do,’ is something she would probably say.

I know she doesn’t like Jasper, and I don’t want even more bad blood between them.

Before I take the makeup remover, I finally look in the mirror. The eyeshadow is about halfway done on my left eye and seemingly completed on the right. I want to appreciate it. Want to marvel and feel joy over the soft pink working flawlessly with the turquoise at my inner corners, but I…can’t. My reflection makes me uneasy; like I’m peering at a complete stranger.

To stop brewing with that terrible sensation, I grab the remover wipes. “It’s beautiful, really. I’m sorry to have made you waste the product,” I mutter shakily, not wanting Sadie to be mad at me, and start wiping away.

I hear her sigh next to me. “Don’t be silly. It isn’t a waste on you…” Her voice is as controlled and smooth as ever. I sense clearly she wants to say something more. Even her pheromones seep out, not in an overwhelming, pushy way. They linger with uncertainty.

She ends up staying quiet, probably knowing it’s for the best.

We clear our things, pack up and get ready to leave. In front of the main entrance, Sadie gives me a firm, long hug. Long enough to make me settle a little, but almost a little too long that it threatens to unravel more emotions swirling inside me again.

“Get home safe,” I say as she pulls away.

She taps at her purse where her taser is. “Don’t you worry. Get some rest, okay? Don’t go to bed sad. Do something good for yourself,” she whispers as she lingers near my ear, playfully rubbing my hair before she opens the main door.

I feel nice and warm when Sadie gives me advice. She’s like the caring, wise older sister I never had. Always saying the right things…

I stand outside for a moment, watching her make her way to her ride. When I know she’s safe, I head in the other direction, toward Jasper’s secondary, less used and flashy car. As I open the back door and bend down, I freeze at him sitting there as well.

Oh no…why today?

Kobe sits in the driver’s seat. I try not to show any reaction. Clearly, he does the same, because when I glance at him in the rearview mirror as I sit down, his face is painfully neutral. A hint of something shows behind his eyes, but he’s pretty good at pretending this isn’t incredibly unfortunate and awkward.

I flash Jasper an apologetic smile as I settle next to him. I know how much he hates waiting. He brushes over my hand softly and orders Kobe to drive.

He can’t know we had that fight, but it almost feels like he’s done this on purpose. Why did he have to take us home today, of all days? Or is this just some game to Jasper? I always thought that if I were ever to entertain being with other people, Jasper would be the type to avoid it, if anything. Ignore them. Act like they don’t exist while accepting it. This…this feels messy and makes my already queasy stomach riot.

Low-volume radio music plays in the car. I can’t help myself from glancing in the mirror, hoping to catch Kobe’s eyes. I don’t even know why… Hoping for him to show regret for what he said? To see interest? Or maybe lack of his anger? Of course, I get none of it. The inside of the car is as dark as our surroundings, and it’s like Kobe isn’t even there.

I lower my eyes, nervously fidgeting with my hands in my lap.

Feeling a squeeze on my thigh, I tense up. Jasper leans in, so close I feel his breath on me. He doesn’t come for a kiss or say anything. Instead, he moves his hand up and between my legs.

I hold in a gasp, flashing him a confused glance. What is he doing? Now?

He smirks, though I can barely see his face, and kisses me on the neck. His pheromones fill my nose, getting my body to react even as I’m praying for him to stop. I don’t know why my mouth won’t listen to me. I open it sharply, only to let out a quiet moan that makes me feel dirty and stupid.

Jasper grabs me over my pants, kneading at my cock. I dart my eyes to the rearview mirror, this time in fear. That’s it—the emotion I’m feeling. Besides embarrassment, there’s cold, grating fear.

I swear I get a glimpse of Kobe’s brown eyes for a split second, just as I look before he averts his gaze. Or maybe he never looked in the first place and has only been obediently watching the road. Maybe it’s all in my head.

“Jasper,” I whisper, holding a breath in to stop my body from melting under him. I don’t want to feel sexual. Not right now, not right here.

His touches ease up, even if only a little. He continues gently caressing my thigh and rests his chin against my clavicle for the rest of the painfully long car journey.

When we arrive outside of our building, I nearly run out of the car. As I walk around the front of it, some kind of nagging feeling tells me to look, and I see Kobe following me with his eyes while sitting there motionless, hands grasping the wheel. His face doesn’t change, and he quickly looks down, acting like he’s busy with something.

I let the frustration bubble inside of me, grinding my teeth and telling myself to forget it. To stop thinking about him.

Jasper unlocks the door and saunters in. He doesn’t seem as tired or annoyed as he was when walking in on Sadie and I.

“Did you tell Kobe off?” I blurt the moment he closes it behind us, unable to hold it in any longer.

He pauses with his hand hovering over the key bowl. I stand a few steps into the room with my hands balled into tight fists. “Tell him off? No,” Jasper says in a confused tone. When he flicks on the lights and looks at me, his face bears no sign of worry. He seems almost surprised by my question. “Why would I?”

I swallow hard, staring him down, but he doesn’t let down. Did Kobe lie? Did he exaggerate?

“You didn’t speak to him about us?”

Jasper draws his brows together and walks to me, making an expression of gentle concern. “I mentioned it briefly, but didn’t say anything negative. Remember, I told you the two of you are free to do whatever you want,” he says, stepping closer. As I hesitantly open my mouth, he reaches for my hand and pulls me in.

He kisses me softly, gently, like he used to.

Maybe I’m too tired to bother with all this right now. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about it and just…sink into the comfort of what I already have.

I repay him by wrapping my hands around the back of his neck. For a moment, I’m taken back to the honeymoon phase of our relationship. When we were like all people freshly in love; so gentle with each other and happy. Nothing could have stood against us. Life was a soft, fluffy dream with little pink hearts floating in the air.

“Should I have asked him?” he whispers into my ear, pulling me out of that daydream. I blink in confusion while Jasper plants kisses on my jaw and slides his hands down my ass, pressing me tightly against him. “Back in the car… Would you have wanted me to ask him to join us? Is that what you’d like?”

I stay quiet, thrown off by the image he conjures. No. I was uncomfortable. I didn’t even want—

“Him watching me as I fuck you?” Jasper continues, breathing his pheromones into my face and grinding his hardening cock against my front.

I recoil on the inside. The idea feels wrong. So wrong. So… dirty .

“N-no,” I mutter quickly, barely able to hide my outward disgust to prevent possibly upsetting him.

He chuckles and grabs me by the jaw. There’s a gleeful satisfaction in his eyes. “Mhm… What would be the point of that, hm? I doubt an omega could give you anything worthwhile if I were there, anyway. You can do whatever you want with him, but it’ll never be as good as what we have. The two of us, we belong together. An alpha and an omega. As it should be.” Jasper kisses me again, this time with that fire that hungers for more.

Without words, I already know where this is going to go.

We end up on the bed, with Jasper fucking me like some wild animal. As he pushes my legs up and over his shoulders, I lie there, staring at my reflection in the ceiling mirror. A phantom of a memory comes to me. It glides against my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. I try to keep it at bay, to forget and stay in the moment, but the more I look into my own eyes, the more muffled the world becomes…

Somehow, it’s over, and I’m once again in that familiar position, resting against Jasper’s chest. He brushes his hand through my hair, like he always does, and I listen to his slowly winding down heartbeat thumping against his breastbone. Usually, this would be the time where I feel the most at peace. When his body burns against mine like the afternoon sun. And yet…I still can’t rein my mind in the right direction.

It keeps sliding astray. Keeps sliding toward the memory of our very first meeting.

That day was a day like any other.

I had my mark—the person my pimp needed me to work on, seduce, get close enough to go through their things, and try to secure as much information about anything valuable as I could.

Jasper was easy to get hooked, much like everybody else. Most of the time, my lovely, sweet scent was more than sufficient. They all liked it. They all wanted more.

Me passing by the hotel he was staying at right as he was getting back in was a happy coincidence. At least to him. It got me into his room. It got him alone and vulnerable with me. Then, all I needed to do was to put the powder into his drink like I’ve done countless times to countless men.

After he fucked my brains out, he went to have a shower, and I figured the drug was just taking a little too long to work and he would probably pass out in there.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. Whether he didn’t consume all of it or his metabolism somehow made the sedative ineffective, I found myself in a situation someone like me feared every single day but never actually expected to happen. Not after so many times of succeeding. I got cocky. I stopped believing, and truly fearing, it could happen to me.

With my hands still on his phone that I slid out of the pants shed on the floor, I looked up to the completely naked Jasper towering over me with a gun aimed at my head.

The snapshot of that moment lives at the forefront of my mind, always .

I don’t like thinking about it, or even really admitting it’s there, but it is. The barrel of the gun staring right at me, a widening black hole at which end I knew I’ll meet mine. His finger on the trigger, and then those hostile, ferocious blue eyes peering at me from the distance.

Out of all the horrible, risky situations I’ve been in, never have I truly believed I would die like I did in that moment. I knew I would. I was supposed to.

And as much as I was scared, a part of me was…ready.

But then he kept looking. Kept standing there studying me, listening to my panicked, terrified breaths until he lowered the gun and stepped closer to me. I apologized and begged and bargained, and Jasper was interested in none of it. He just bent down to me and said that I looked like someone whose heart was good. Who’s innocent at the core.

I wasn’t anywhere near innocent and I knew that. Especially back then. Everything inside my life was tainted and wrong. Out of my control. I was a pawn to horrible men, doing horrible things, and that somehow made me even worse than them in my mind.

But then Jasper said I didn’t deserve to die and gave me a new life.

A new name.

An ultimatum that saved me from ODing like so many of my friends had.

Even now, there are days when I wonder if all of it since that moment has been a dream. There are mornings when I wake up with this panic inside my chest, feeling like I’m going to blink and be back on that dirty mattress, with sores and needle holes in my arms, cold and depressed and scared.

Jasper kept his word. No matter any horrendous action he ever might have committed, no one could hold against him that he had kept his word to me. He did change my life. Even before we got closer and fell in love. He showed me that it could be so much more than what it was. It could be safety, comfort, confidence, and joy.

So there must be something incredibly wrong with me for still living with this sliver of doubt. With this cursed question that swirls inside my mind right now. That sometimes sneaks up on me and won’t let me sleep.

Lowering my eyes, I feel the words push against my lips. My stupid, stupid thoughts want to get out, and even at risk of ruining the moment, I finally release them. For the very first time, I allow the question that’s been following me for so long to come into being. “Can I ask you something serious?”

He glances down at me with a curious huff. “What?”

I open my mouth, realizing how dry and tight my throat feels. “Were you telling the truth…back then, when you caught me in your hotel room? Did you mean what you said, or did you not shoot me just because you liked my scent and my face and saw promise in that?” I quiver at the end there, almost against my will.

Jasper’s eyes fixate on me and he…stays quiet.

My heart pounds inside my chest. Why isn’t he responding? Isn’t this something one should have a quick answer for?

Right as I feel the panic climb to dangerously high levels, Jasper reaches to my face and pulls it close, giving me a soft kiss on the forehead. “How many times do I have to tell you to not worry your pretty little head about the past? It’s gone. It’ll never not be gone.”

I dart my eyes across his face, trying to read him. He only smiles and pets my hair, pushing me to lie down on the pillow with him. Clapping his hands, he turns the lights off.

“Let’s sleep,” he says and I say nothing else, too paralyzed to do anything but lay there.

He didn’t…answer my question.

I stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours. What was my reflection before is now twisted by darkness and shadows, morphing into unsettling shapes that make my already tight chest even tighter. The rattling sensation doesn’t go away, no matter how long I lie there, motionless and trying to let my mind move on or unwind.

Jasper next to me lets out regular breaths. He’s deep asleep. Has been for a while. Even the world outside has gone quiet. Rolling onto my side, I reach for my phone to check on the time. 3 AM.

I sigh. If I’ve been lying here wide-eyed and anxious for that long, there’s no point in continuing. Quietly, to not wake Jasper up, I get out of the bed. I shiver when my feet touch the cool floor and grab my thick, fluffy robe from the armchair next to me. With the phone in my hand, I wander into the kitchen, standing in the middle of it for a few moments.

Should I have a drink to help me? Getting high would put me to sleep nicely. There used to be times like this when I couldn’t rest without the aid of drugs.

Shaking my head, I walk away. A bath, maybe?

I look down at my phone, knowing that the only way to make me feel better is to talk to someone. But will that someone want to talk to me?

“You’re stupid,” I mutter to myself.

I quietly move across the apartment and click open the balcony door. I glance over my shoulder, making sure Jasper’s still asleep, and he is. I carefully close the door behind me and exhale deeply, my breath turning white in front of me. Instead of being cold, my anxiety keeps me uncomfortably sweaty.

I lean against the railing and watch the city’s skyline for a while. It’s beautiful, it really is. The city I’ve lived in my entire life. I never thought I would be able to see it from a place like this. That I’d be able to make my way out of the gutters of it to a life of comfort up top.

Comfort. Why does that word sound so empty?

I put the ringing phone to my ear. Let’s get this over with . I’m still trying to understand why I care so much. Will he even bother to pick up? Does he want to talk to me? Either way, my knees feel unsteady, and not just because of the icy night air wrapping around my legs.

Finally, he picks up. My heart gallops as I listen to his confused grunts. “Wh-what’s going on? Apollo?”

I open my mouth, but too many words want to come out at the same time. Biting down at my lip, I try to steady my thoughts. “Hey…”

Kobe groans. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

He sounds annoyed. Understandably . Why does it put a smile on my face? “I…yeah. Sorry about that, I…couldn’t fall asleep,” I say hesitantly. Another dissatisfied exhale of someone forcibly woken up in the middle of the night lets me know how he truly feels. And yet…I can’t help but feel so damn happy that he picked up. “I’m sorry. I guess I really am a selfish prick,” I say with a bitter chuckle, looking down at my fingers that restlessly brush against the edge of the metal railing.

Kobe sighs into the phone, only this time the emotion behind it seems to be different. “Seriously, what is this about? Are you in trouble?” he asks, sounding more awake now, though his voice is still a little gruff. I imagine him in his bed, all cute, sleepy and messy.

“I-I’m fine.” That didn’t sound very believable, did it? “I wanted to…needed to talk.”

“I figured.”

He has a right to be angry. “I’m sorry for what Jasper did in the car. He… I wasn’t in on it. Wasn’t comfortable with it. But he won’t cause any problems, I swear.” As I say those words, I realize they probably hold no meaning to Kobe. Does he believe me at all, or am I back to being someone no one can trust? I hated being that person.

“Is that what you’re calling to apologize for?” Kobe asks sharply.

I quickly swallow a biting response. Dammit .

“No, I… I’m sorry. I didn’t say it just to be self-deprecating or to please you. I am a selfish prick. You were right,” I whisper in an attempt to hide the tremble in my voice. “And I’m not saying all this to make you feel bad for me. I just need you to know. Before I started working in the Dollhouse, before I met Jasper, I… My life wasn’t exactly great,” I say with a faint chuckle.

Why are my hands trembling? I’m not even cold. Instead, a trickle of sweat tickles down the skin between my shoulder blades.

“I learned, ever since I was young, that I had to be selfish to survive. When I wasn’t, I would get hurt. Caring for other people, or thinking of them first…always ended up making things worse for me. And I really didn’t want them to be worse than they were…”

I pause, glancing over my shoulder to make sure Jasper is still asleep. It feels like I’m saying stuff I shouldn’t. Opening a part of me only he should be privy to. If I had told him this, I know what he would’ve said. That being selfish is good. One doesn’t become powerful by looking after others. Survival of the fittest and all that.

“I don’t want to be like this. Trust me, I… It’s not me . The world made me this way. Even now, when I don’t live every day in crisis mode, that mindset stays with me. I can try to fight it, but it’s hard. It’s not easy for me.”

Shit, that sounds like I’m putting all the blame and responsibility on anyone but myself. Not the best apology, Apollo.

“Of course it would,” Kobe says, ever so understanding to an infuriating degree. I hear the pity behind his words and usually I despise it when people pity me. Look at me as if I’m some fragile little thing. I don’t understand why it feels different with Kobe. It frustrates me, and yet…a part of me flutters with delight.

“No, listen to me. You…you were right. I didn’t think about you. I knew that if he’d find out—and I convinced myself that he wouldn’t—he would only get angry at me. I could deal with the aftermath of that, I told myself. But I didn’t consider what the consequences of lying to Jasper could be for you. I didn’t think about your family or your position. I’m sorry for that, Kobe.”

The weight of each second as I wait for his answer is suffocating.

He’s quiet. Seconds feel like hours. Why is he quiet?

“I appreciate that,” he finally says, voice as gentle as it always is when he talks to me. Nothing like when he shouted at me at the loading dock. Quietly, I let out a shaky huff of relief. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough, even if I don’t have the right to just…what, have him forget what happened and acted like everything is fine? Is that what I want? “You didn’t do it maliciously, so…”

“Jasper knows now. Not that…we slept together,” I add hesitantly, in the spirit of being honest. “But he said that we can. I swear to you. If…if you still want to continue with it, that is.”

My body tenses uncomfortably at the realization that Kobe would be well within reason to want to simply end whatever this is. I made him bottom for me. Did he even really enjoy it? Coupled with the risks of everything else, he might cut his losses and become just another person I keep seeing around. Another cold, emotionless face.

He’s quiet for a while again, before he finally sighs, like he had an argument with himself and came to a conclusion. “I think I just need a bit of time before…doing anything else. A few days, or weeks, maybe. To get my head together and process my feelings.”

I feel a wave of disappointment hit me. Swallowing hard, I do my best to suppress it in my words. “Of course. Yeah. Take all the time you need,” I say, even if deep down, I know what that means. I’ve been let down before. This is just a gentle way of doing it.

“I’m not saying no,” he says, sounding as though he’s smiling.

How is he reading my mind? My cheeks heat at the image of him sitting in his bed, smiling at me gently, watching me with those soft brown eyes as he says it.

“Okay,” I whisper, trying my hardest to believe him.

“Go to sleep, Apollo. Don’t stay up worrying on my behalf. I’d hate that.”

Smirking to myself, I nod. Of course he would.

“Alright. And sorry again—for waking you up.”

“I’ll see you around. Sleep well,” he says in that honeyed tone, and suddenly, I am sure that I’ll sleep like a baby.