Page 9 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
T here were usually four phases when I hit my precious bottle of illegal Everclear. I’d already passed out and hit someone, so those were out of the way. My self-insert character in my books had all kinds of filthy sex with the aliens, but I didn’t know if that was actually possible. Rage sex was fun, but I didn’t think I could drink enough Everclear to get brave enough to jump into alien sex without passing out again.
So, I was at the stage that was generally the most helpful. I wanted to eat everything in the house. And ooh! I had four million dollars in my bank account right now. I could have four in the morning forbidden donuts and kolaches delivered. Yeah, I was doing that.
“So, in my books, you could all eat the food here. I just made that up, but if they based Enix on my books, can he eat donuts?”
“We don’t have to eat or drink. Most of us haven’t. We have a solar battery with a very long charge, so as long as we spend a few hours in the sun, that’s really all we need. Most of our owners don’t feed us because it’s an extra expense and we are very expensive. Unless you have a lot of Nova Credits and can afford to buy one of us to do housework, sit and talk to you, or use us for sex, most of us are put into jobs where we earn that back.
“We are given a small stipend for clothes, but it’s not enough to run away. The companion Enix aren’t really allowed to talk to the working Enix, but sometimes, they do. Most of them don’t mention how they are treated to us because they don’t want us to feel bad, but one of them told another Enix who told me that we should try food because it tastes good. Of course, that was a rumor passed down to me and I’m not sure if it’s true or not. None of us know what it will do to our hardware if we consume food.”
“What happened when you drank the Everclear?”
“I felt a little warm.”
“Yeah, it does that and then it gets you drunk. What about the rest of you? You don’t have four stomachs and eat bugs do you?”
“I just have one and I’m probably the closest genetically to a human. We’re faster with extra senses you don’t have. I’m pretty sure I can eat the food here, but Big Daddy can make food from our planet and yours if we ask.”
“Is he Big Daddy?” I asked, pointing at Torrek.
Because he just looked like a Big Daddy. I wouldn’t mind sitting in his lap and calling him that. That was probably stage three of the Everclear talking and I was getting horny, but there was just something about an alien with claws, fangs, and stripes that gave a shit about my feelings. Maybe I should deal with stage two of Everclear and eat something so I didn’t do something stupid.
“Um, that is the name of our time machine. There’s a secret door on the side to the rest of it, which is cloaked. There’s a galley with a kitchen next to the barracks.”
Damn. He still gave Big Daddy vibes.
“It’s essentially like a 3D printer that you have here. Everything is dehydrated and put into cartridges. I’m pretty sure we can replicate your food. I scanned this planet when we arrived. The atmosphere is similar to ours. We might not have the same flora and fauna, but we could, ” Enix said.
“How the fuck are you speaking English? There are people on this planet who don’t speak English. There are people who only speak English whose grasp on the language isn’t all that great.”
Because I had questions. I took Spanish in high school and was pretty decent at it, but there were some kids in my class who would have gotten the shit kicked out of them if they went to a Spanish speaking country and asked where the toilet was because they couldn’t even get that right. I didn’t speak every language on Earth and I certainly didn’t speak languages on other planets.
“Upgrade,” Torrek said, pointing behind his ear. “It’s a tiny chip. If you have an Enix, they can link to it and you can speak and understand any language. It’s helpful when you travel to other planets. They are all like this one. Different areas speak different languages.”
“Can I get one of those?”
Because seriously, that was badass and could come in handy.
“Not with your stomach making that noise,” Torrek growled. “You need to eat something.”
“Oh, fine. If I’m introducing you to Earth food, we’re doing forbidden donuts. I’m not sure what you did with all my food, but you put my chocolate oat milk in things it doesn’t belong in and raisins don’t go in that. The meat seems edible unless you got freaky with my spice cabinet and got into the pumpkin spice.”
“I grilled the meat,” Torrek said. “I can scent which spices won’t work. I told Kuka the brown liquid didn’t smell right in that, but he did it anyway. What animal on your planet makes brown milk?”
“Um, it’s chocolate, and it’s not from a mammal. I like the taste of oat milk better. I’ll get the plates and order the donuts.”
I guess now that I had four million dollars in my bank account, I was a little less mad someone had made mac and cheese with chocolate oat milk. I mean, they followed the recipe on the box, they just used the wrong milk. And people from this planet put raisins in shit it didn’t belong in all the time.
After I ate, I could focus on the fact that someone wanted to murder me. This wasn’t an Everclear step, but I had been pretty heavily disassociating since I’d heard I was going to get murdered in two days.