Page 27 of Time Traveling Space Bastards

I didn’t think Owen did it. We dated a long time ago when I was a little angrier at my parents. He was pissed at his, so our relationship was mostly ranting, mosh pits, and sex. I needed that at the time. I didn’t want Owen to be my killer, but at the same time, there was a little part of me that wanted him to be because it would make things a lot easier.

My life had never been easy, and I tried to make the best of it. Yeah, someone was going to murder me soon and there were aliens in my tiny apartment, but you could solve literally anything with cheap whiskey and live music. I came here with my laptop to write sometimes.

“What is that noise?” Kuka asked when we got outside.

“Pretty sure that’s the music regular folks who don’t attend balls listen to on this planet,” Omi said.

“I hate those balls.”

“Did you know that when I was twelve, I wanted to learn to play the theremin and they thought it meant I’d got psychotic? I was a weird kid, and I didn’t want to learn the tuba.”

“We don’t have those on our planet. Why is the theremin worse than a tuba?” Kuka asked.

“Okay, so the theremin is pretty cool. It’s the only instrument you play without touching it at all. My parents thought it was abnormal that I didn’t want to play something in the marching band at my school, but I actually hate sports and want nothing to do with them.”

“What instrument is in there making that noise?”

“An electric guitar, a keyboard, a bass, and drums.”

“I like it,” Torrek declared.

“I didn’t get to listen to a lot of music before. I like it, too.”

“Come inside. We can take my usual table.”

No one ever sat at the table right by the restrooms because it kind of smelled like piss and sometimes people didn’t make it when they tried to run to a toilet to puke. You just needed to have catlike reflexes if you saw someone making a run for it.

There were some wrinkled noses when I led them to my usual table, but honestly, if you sat there for about twenty minutes, you got nose blind to the piss smell unless someone got dramatic with the door to the men’s room.

Now that I was thinking about it, this probably wasn’t the best place to take a bunch of aliens new to this planet when I now had four million dollars. I was still used to being broke, but we couldn’t go to any of the nice places I couldn’t afford before because they’d kick us out.

I knew a place that didn’t have whiskey or good music, but it did have the best pie I’d ever eaten and it was just down the block. And if Torrek could smell my ex on the hoodie I was wearing, sitting next to the bathrooms was probably going to be miserable for him and Omi.

“Change of venue,” I said, leading them back out.

Luckily, the twenty-four-hour diner was just two blocks up the road. I had to laugh. I was strolling down the sidewalk with three aliens and a cyborg. I had all the proof I wasn’t lying and people still wouldn’t believe me. They all had accents that were nothing of this planet, but they spoke English perfectly fine. And aside from Torrek getting weird around me when I wore my ex’s hoodie and this pull to him now, they didn’t act that much differently, either.

I had a booth here, too, because I wrote here sometimes. All the waitstaff knew me because even though I was broke as fuck, I tipped really well because they kept bringing me coffee. When I walked in, Stella was working behind the counter. She didn’t even blink when she saw my strange companions.

“Your booth is free. We’ve got the strawberry rhubarb pie tonight and Coby made the salmon chowder.”

“Stella, have I told you that I love you lately?”

“Every time Coby makes the salmon chowder, and I had nothing to do with it.”

“Pretty sure you know I’m coming and tell him to make it.”

“Pretty sure you’re full of shit, Baxter.”

“That’s because I am.”

Stella was my platonic wife. She was married to Coby, but she called me on my shit all the time and she brought me food that I paid for. We took our booth, and they all looked around.

“This place smells nicer. If I told him it would please my Zovea, would this Coby teach me to make salmon chowder so I could cook it for you?” Torrek asked.

“What’s a Zovea? And no. Coby is maybe one hundred and forty pounds soaking wet and in his seventies. He would still try to take you if you came into his kitchen asking about his recipes. They’ve been passed down through his family and he’ll eventually teach whatever grandkid is going to take over the diner when he retires. Pretty sure someone here is reading tarot cards and knows when I’m coming because he doesn’t always make it, but I always seem to come when he does and it’s my favorite.”

Before he could explain, Stella came to our booth to take our order. She eyed everyone sitting with me.

“I’m not sure how you convinced these men to dress up like your kinky books, but does that mean the last one is coming out soon?”

Oops. Stella took a peek at my laptop when she was refilling my coffee once and asked me about it. I wasn’t going to give her my pseudonym, and I didn’t think she’d be interested in it, but she was a fellow smut fan and said she wanted to read them. Not because I was a customer, and she was just being nice, but because those were the kinds of books she liked.

She ended up binge reading all of them and was probably the only fan I actually had. She would have known all these guys looked exactly like the characters in my book and she knew I was fucking weird enough to ask men to dress like this and do nefarious shit like bring them to diners for salmon chowder.

“I’m hoping to work on it soon. These guys are actors, and they agreed to dress up like my characters for inspiration.”

Yeah, the original plan was not going to work on Stella. I hope my time traveling space bastards were cool and knew to play along.

“You’re fucking weird, Baxter, but we like you anyway. I’m guessing the usual for you. What do the rest of you want?”

“We’ll have what Baxter is having,” Torrek rumbled.

Yeah, his chest was doing that rumble thing that I loved and there was no way to explain that if it got any louder.

“They’re method actors,” I whispered, like that explained everything.

“Okay, but if you break anything, you’re paying for it,” Stella said, shrugging and leaving.

Yeah, pretty much the only reason that went as well as it did was that I was in here a lot, and I was always alone. Stella chatted with me all the time. Yeah, this was bizarre, but I’d probably said something a lot more fucked-up while I was eating salmon chowder in this diner.

“So, anyway, back to my murder and Torrek calling me his Zovea.”

“I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I meant to tell you when we were alone.”

“Can’t be helped. I might get murdered soon and I have the patience of a hangry toddler.”

Omi started giggling.

“Awkward, brother.”

“Can I ban you from this table while I have this conversation?”

“Fuck no.”

“No. I don’t have any girl besties. Omi is my new girl bestie. If it’s bad, I’m going to banish you so we can shit-talk you.”

“It’s not bad. At least, I don’t think it is. I mean, I didn’t even think it was possible, or I would have warned you first,” Torrek stammered.

“What my big brother is trying to say is that he imprinted when you had sex and now you are connected. He can feel you and I’m not exactly sure how it works for humans, but you may eventually be able to feel him, too.”

“I mean, that vampire book made imprinting super weird, but I’m familiar with the concept. I’m not upset about it, but I still don’t know what it means for the future.”

“Well, Torrek can’t be apart from you now. I see how you’re able to explain away our appearance, but the rest of us don’t really want to leave you here, either. I’m not sure if we can. I still don’t know where my brother is. We could save you now and he could eventually find you and kill you after we left. If I win the throne, I’d be in charge of approving immigration to our planet. I have no problem letting you live there. We want you to come back with us,” Kuka said.

“Yes,” I said immediately without even thinking about it.

I mean, yeah, I was now soul married to an alien with stripes and they were offering to take me to an entirely new galaxy. I should probably think about that for longer than I agonized over what color I wanted to dye my hair, but I just knew in my gut this was the right thing to do.

This planet hadn’t done much for me. I would forever be lonely if I stayed because I couldn’t talk about my past. I’d never be able to go to college or get a decent job because I couldn’t have anyone looking at the fake identity I’d bought. I wasn’t attached to anyone here except Stella, Coby, and my neighbor. That was sad as fuck, but that was my life.

“Just like that?” Kuka asked.

“Well, I have one major question. Torrek has a glorious sack, but does punching people in the dick work on everyone on your planet? Because it’s basically, the only thing in my arsenal when I’m cornered or mad.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s universal in both galaxies except for one planet in ours. There’s a race with theirs on the inside and I don’t think these guys will ever bring you to that planet because the people there are savage,” Omi said.

“You won’t need to touch another male’s genitals because I’ll be there to protect you,” Torrek said.

“You make it sound like a dick punch is something they are going to enjoy.”

“Sorry. It would bother me if you touched another male’s genitals, even if you were assaulting them.”

“One thing you should know about being a Saki’s Zovea. We are fiercely territorial, but we also cherish them,” Omi said.

“And I should tell you something, too. I see how you look at Enix and Kuka. I see how they look at you. It doesn’t trigger my instincts to rip them apart. I actually think I would like it if we were all together.”

“Like the Scrivlu? That’s progressive,” Omi said.

“What’s a Scrivlu?” I asked.

“They are similar to Saki, but very different. Every race on our planet has bonds like a Zovea, but the Scrivlu have several. They are just as territorial as the Saku, but it’s contained to several people instead of just one.”

“So, we could totally have foursomes then!” I announced just as Stella rocked up with our drinks.

Shit. I was never living this down.

“Uh, Baxter, I don’t think your actor friends should make every part of your books come true, even if they are method.”

“Um, I’m method acting right now, too. We’re not really going to have an orgy, we’re just pretending we’re characters in my books.”

I couldn’t act to save my life. One time, I tried to cry to get out of a speeding ticket and nearly got pepper sprayed. I was, however, excellent at lying on the fly.

“Well, don’t get weird in my diner. Your friends are fun to look at, but it’s not hygienic. Soup will be out in ten.”

I turned to my time traveling space bastards. They weren’t going to leave me behind, so that solved one problem. There was still one big one.

“How do you get me to another galaxy while still knowing you have to come back now to fetch me?”