Page 11 of Time Traveling Space Bastards

S paceships were cool, aliens were hot, and I was probably going to have to find a way to replace my illegal bottle of emergency Everclear because I was very, very shit-faced. Omi was hot, and I wasn’t even into women. That was also something I experimented with when I got free of the people back home. I was of the opinion you couldn’t know if you hated something until you tried it.

Which was why I was about to go to town on alien food from a 3D printer after I got my tour. I wasn’t going to be rude. Donuts were delicious, but they might think they were gross. They were still willing to try them.

Kuka was very proud of his time machine and he had every right to be. It was bigger on the inside. Something told me Kuka wouldn’t have the same reaction if I said that. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough.

“My parents only gave my brother and me a set amount of money for the contest, so I had to focus on functionality over luxury. We’ve got the control room, the kitchen, and the barracks. The barracks are just beds and some comfy chairs. The only entertainment we could bring was cards and books, but that’s enough.”

“The closet was pretty comfy and none of you found me,” Omi said.

Torrek snarled at her. Damn. He was sexy when he snarled. Maybe I shouldn’t have hit the Everclear again before we left. Kuka seemed to think this place was lacking, but it was pretty awesome.

“Listen, before everyone decided I was schizophrenic, my parents shipped me off to some wilderness bible camp to make me do hard labor until I stopped lying. Your barracks are loads better than ours were. We had a pallet on the floor and there were bugs.”

“How old were you?” Torrek asked.

“Eight.”

“Child labor is legal on this planet?” Omi asked. “That’s barbaric.”

“It’s not anymore, and neither is slave labor unless they say you did something wrong, then it’s fine.”

“Eight-year-olds lie all the time,” Omi said. “When I was eight, I said the Devouring Mother came to me in a dream and revealed the final text was in her palace on the moon and only I could lead people there. I was full of shit and just wanted to go to the moon. No one sentenced me to hard labor.”

“I was actually telling the truth about the aliens and time machine that crashed in my pool.”

“Shit, really?” Omi said, punching Torrek in the stomach. He leaned over and wheezed. “What was that about?”

“How did you not just break your hand?” I demanded. “He’s very firm.”

Kuka started giggling.

“Enix accessed the wrong data on this planet and she tried to hit him.”

“No, you’re a woman,” I said. “If a man said telling a woman to calm down is what you do when they are angry, does that fly on your planet?”

“I think it’s universal in every planet that you cut that man’s balls off. Or the appropriate appendage if they aren’t as easily accessible.”

“Thank you! I think we’re going to be best friends even when I’m not drunk.”

“We need to feed you,” Torrek said. “If you’re similar to Kuka, then eating will sober you up and I can hear your stomach.”

“The donuts are on the way, but I believe you promised me food from your planet, big guy.”

“Yes, but if it’s bugs, don’t tell me until after I’ve eaten it.”

“No fancy palace food. We’re doing kebabs and pepper tacos,” Omi said.

“I love that tacos exist outside of this galaxy,” I moaned.

“We call them something else, but the closest word in your language is taco,” Enix said.

“Sign me up. Ah, shit,” I said as my phone went off. “Donuts.”

“I’ll go with you,” Enix said. “It’s the easiest for me to pass as human and someone is going to kill you in a few days.”

Well, fuck. That instantly sobered me up.