Page 44 of Time Traveling Space Bastards

V altens had a fairly nice house, but it looked like he bought it, furnished it, and just never took care of it. And he never paid anyone to clean either. Valtens was stuck here fifteen years without servants, and it looked like he never learned to cook either. There were half-eaten takeout containers everywhere, and it smelled awful in here.

But I smelled something else over the garbage and rotten food and I didn’t like it at all. Especially not when I was helpless and tie to a chair. It wasn’t my aliens because they wouldn’t do this shit with me inside. This was probably someone who met Valtens as Kevin and couldn’t stand him or maybe he was finally trying to cook for himself.

“Kevin!” I yelled. “I smell something burning and I’m not dying from a fire in your shitty house.”

“What the fuck?” Valtens said, running out of the house.

I mean, I wasn’t bonded with Valtens. We’d worked together for ten years and basically couldn’t stand each other when he was just Kevin. Still, wasn’t I some kind of vital element in his sinister plot? Dude just left me in a burning building. If I didn’t die, I was going to kill him.

But then Enix and Torrek came in and started untying me.

“Where’s Kuka and Omi?” I asked.

“Kuka is getting all his weapons. Omi was the distraction.”

“I’ve got big opinions about setting a house I’m stuck in on fire as a distraction.”

“Quick, now that you’re untied, help us find the weapons. The house isn’t on fire. Omi told some well-meaning young men that the owner of this house besmirched her honor at the tavern and she needed them to help her defend it. They had an arsenal of things at their disposal and set off for this house.

“They were writing something in the grass with some kind of liquid and then set it on fire. We needed to get Valtens out of the house and away from his weapons without tipping him off we found him,” Torrek said.

“Valtens was actually Kevin, my boss, this entire time.”

“The one that mistreated you and spoke to my sister like that when he thought you were ill?” Torrek asked. “I’ll kill him.”

“Actually, I had to deal with him ten years as my boss. If anyone is going to kill him, it’s me.”

“None of us can kill him except Kuka and only if Valtens strikes first. It’s treason otherwise,” Enix said.

“Well, then I want to get a good dick punch in. He has that coming.”

Valtens wasn’t outside long. I was guessing if the inside of his house looked like this, the outside wasn’t that much better. I wouldn’t think he had a hose because I doubted he did much gardening, but he came stomping back inside. He stopped when he saw me untied and flanked by Torrek and Enix.

“I’m guessing you are responsible for rapist being burned into my front lawn?” he snarled.

“No, I am,” Omi said, coming in behind him. “You’ve never laid a finger on me, but you had some consent issues with a very good friend of mine.”

“Everyone has to say yes to me. I’m a royal. There were no consent issues with anyone.”

“If you don’t punch him in the dick, I am,” I said.

And now Ghol had joined the chat. He stepped in behind Omi and glared at Valtens. I was pretty sure at this point, Valtens had figured Kuka was somewhere with his guns and if he tried to make a break for it, he was going to get rugby tackled by a giant Saki.

And Valtens was now fifteen years older on a planet that didn’t know he was royalty and still hadn’t gained a single shred of self-awareness.

“So, they powered you back on, did they? Well, snap to it. Get rid of them so we can go home.”

“No,” Ghol said.

“Excuse me? I own you. I’m your future king.”

“Most of the planet already doesn’t want you as their king. When they find out you kidnapped and attempted to murder the Devouring Mother, they will riot and eat you alive,” Ghol said.

“Who’s going to tell them?” Valtens taunted.

“Bigger question is who’s going to save you, brother?” Kuka said, stepping into the living room totally strapped with guns.

“You think I go anywhere on this awful planet without protection?” Valtens asked, pulling a weapon out the back of his trousers.

Where the fuck did that come from? And why did he immediately point it at me when I was the least likely person in the room to have the ability to take him out? Fuck me. Was this how I went out?

I didn’t have time to react. Valtens fired, and that gun didn’t shoot bullets. It shot some kind of light. Yeah, I would have been completely fucked and dead, but Enix jumped in front of me and took the blast.

And when Valtens fired, so did Kuka. The smaller gun that shot light barely made a sound, but the weapon Kuka fired shook the entire house and absolutely obliterated Valtens. The only thing left of him was a pile of dust.

Did his parents want that back? Did Valtens even own a dustpan or vacuum? And Enix got shot for me. That was probably the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me and he’d better not be dead.

He wasn’t. He bolted to a sitting position and his chest was mangled to all fuck. I remembered he hadn’t been programmed to feel pain, so at least there was that.

“We need to get the fuck out of here, with all of Valtens’s weapons. Someone will call about the noise from the gun, and we don’t need to be here when the police show up. This place is filthy, so they won’t think that’s the owner of the house on the floor,” Enix said.

“Are you okay, brother?” Torrek asked. “You saved the Devouring Mother. You’ll be a hero.”

“I can’t feel it, if that’s what you’re asking, but you’re going to have to find a way to get me repaired without getting me shipped back to my previous owner.”

“First things first, we need to get the fuck out of here,” Kuka said.

Yes, we did. I did not want to come to the attention of any cops.