Page 25 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
T his was the coolest thing that had ever happened to me. I had a deathly hot alien nerd pressed so close to my back, you couldn’t even fit a piece of tissue between us, and he was teaching me to fly his time machine. I thought the time I was dating a fellow Thunder Cunt fan, and he took me to one of their concerts was the best thing that ever happened to me, but nope. This beat that.
I didn’t feel Big Daddy move. There was this weird, brief feeling like my stomach was trying to fall out of my butt, but it was over before it got really weird or I had the mortifying experience of puking on Kuka’s shoes.
“Was that it?” I asked.
“It feels a little weird, but it’s almost instantaneous. Big Daddy, where are we?”
“I don’t want to talk to you. I want to talk to Big Mommy.”
So, Kuka’s time machine was a bit of a petulant pervert, but I was down with that. It just fit with the rest of the weirdness in my life. I felt Kuka sigh and tighten his arms around me. Should it be legal for him to smell this good?
“Can you ask Big Daddy the exact same question I just asked?”
I giggled, but I did what he asked.
“It is two weeks in the past and we are on Main Street. I pinged his cellular device to this location and set up on the side of the road away from the crowd. If you exit and walk three blocks to your left, you will find him.”
“Thanks, Big Daddy. Love you.”
“Don’t encourage him,” Torrek growled. “Are you sure these shirts are going to work?”
“Yeah. If you’ve got enough money and someone willing, you can get your body tattooed orange with stripes, buy vampire fangs that look like your canines, and get implants in your fingers that look like claws. You’ll be fine, big guy. Come see my world,” I said, pinching his butt.
“Big Daddy, scan for enemies,” Kuka said.
“You know what I want.”
Kuka let out a dramatic sigh.
“Baxter, ask the exact same thing I just asked and maybe fondle one of his buttons.”
“Is he getting off on this and jizzing black hole on this planet?”
“I am emission free and environmentally safe.”
“Awesome. Are there any bad people around?” I asked, tickling one of his buttons.
“You should be safe if you exit now, but hurry back, Big Mommy.”
Weird. I’d love to go back in time and tell twelve-year-old me that one day, I’d get away from all of that and even a sentient time machine had the hots for me. Would that cause a paradox? It was different in every movie.
“I go first,” Torrek said.
“But this is my planet and my plan!”
Omi just laughed and threw her arm around my shoulder.
“Trust me, you always want a seven-foot-tall Saki to go first. You’re under his protection now and he’d die for you.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ll let him tell you. It’s not my business to tell, but it’s a good thing.”
Ugh. That was like rude people who texted you to call them, but didn’t tell you what for first. Like, did someone die or are we just going for coffee? Some of us needed some kind of warning so we knew what we were walking into when someone asked to call them.
Now, I was dying to know what that meant, and we had to creep on my ex to find out if he was a serial killer. And possibly stop Torrek from eating him on sight.
Why was that kind of hot?