Page 221 of The Pillars of the Earth

“Go back to the monastery,” Alfred said contemptuously. “Where’s your habit, anyway?”

Jack took a deep breath. There was nothing else for it but to tell him the real truth. “Alfred. She lovesme.”

He expected Alfred to be enraged, but instead the shadow of a sly grin appeared on Alfred’s face. Jack was nonplussed. What did it mean? Gradually the explanation dawned on him. “You know that already,” he said unbelievingly. “You know she loves me, and you don’t care! You want her anyway, whether she loves you or not. You just want to have her.”

Alfred’s furtive smile became more visible and more malicious, and Jack knew that everything he was saying was true; but there was something else, something more to be read in Alfred’s face. An incredible suspicion arose in Jack’s mind.

“Why do you want her?” he said. “Is it ... Could it be that you only want to marry her to take her away from me?” His voice rose in anger. “That you’re marrying her out ofspite?”A look of cunning triumph spread across Alfred’s stupid face, and Jack knew that he was right again. He was devastated. The idea that Alfred was doing all this not out of an understandable lust for Aliena but out of pure malice was too much to bear. “Damn you, you’d better treat her right!” he yelled.

Alfred laughed.

The ultimate malignity of Alfred’s purpose struck Jack like a blow. Alfred was not going to treat her well. That would be his final revenge on Jack. Alfred was going to marry Aliena and make her miserable. “You filth,” Jack said bitterly. “You slime. You shit. You ugly, stupid, evil,loathsomeslug.”

His contempt finally got to Alfred, who dropped his towel and came at Jack with his hand balled into a fist. Jack was ready for him, and stepped forward to hit him first. Then Jack’s mother was between them, and despite being smaller than either of them she stopped them with a word.

“Alfred. Go and bathe.”

Alfred calmed down quickly. He realized he had won the day without needing to fight Jack, and his thoughts revealed themselves in a smug look. He left the house.

Mother said: “What are you going to do, Jack?”

Jack found that he was shaking with rage. He breathed in and out several times before he could speak. He could not stop the wedding, he realized. But he could not watch it either. “I have to leave Kingsbridge.”

He saw sorrow cross her face, but she nodded. “I was afraid you’d say that. But I think you’re right.”

A bell began to ring in the priory. Jack said: “Any moment now they’ll discover that I’ve escaped.”

She lowered her voice. “Go quickly, but hide down by the river, within sight of the bridge. I’ll bring you some things.”

“All right.” He turned away.

Martha stood between him and the door with tears pouring down her face. He hugged her. She squeezed him hard. Her girlish body was flat and bony, like a boy’s. “Come back one day,” she said fiercely.

He kissed her once, quickly, and went out.

There were plenty of people about now, fetching water and enjoying the mild autumn morning. Most people knew he had become a novice monk—the town was still small enough for everyone to know everyone else’s business—and his layman’s clothing drew surprised looks, although nobody actually questioned him. He went quickly down the hill, crossed the bridge, and walked along the bank of the river until he came to a clump of reeds. He crouched down beside the reeds and watched the bridge, waiting for his mother.

He had no idea where he was going to go. Perhaps he would walk in a straight line until he came to a town where they were building a cathedral, and stop there. He had meant what he said to Aliena about finding work: he knew he was good enough to be employed anywhere. Even if the site had a full complement, he would only have to show the master builder how he could carve, and he would get taken on. But there seemed no point to it anymore. He would never love another woman after Aliena, and he felt much the same about Kingsbridge Cathedral. He wanted to buildhere,not just anywhere.

Perhaps he would just walk into the forest and lie down and die. That seemed to him a nice idea. It was mild weather, the trees were green-and-gold; he could make a peaceful end. His only regret would be that he had not found out more about his father before he died.

He was picturing himself lying on a bed of autumn leaves and passing gently into death, when he saw Mother cross the bridge. She was leading a horse.

He got to his feet and ran to her. The horse was the chestnut mare she always rode. “I want you to take my mare,” she said.

He took her hand and squeezed it by way of thanks.

Tears came to her eyes. “I never did look after you very well,” she said. “First I brought you up wild, in the forest. Then I let you nearly starve with Tom. Then I made you live with Alfred.”

“You looked after me fine, Mother,” he said. “I made love to Aliena this morning. Now I can die happy.”

“You foolish boy,” she said. “You’re just like me. If you can’t have the lover you want, you won’t have anyone else.”

“Is that how you are?” he said.

She nodded. “After your father died, I lived alone rather than take second best. I never wanted another man until I saw Tom. That was eleven years later.” She detached her hand from his. “I’m telling you this for a reason. It may take eleven years, but youwilllove someone else one day; I promise you.”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t seem possible.”