Page 59

CARSON

Holding my foot out, I let it dangle in the air. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing on the edge like this, but I’m frozen in time, contemplating my next move.

One step.

Just one more step and I could end it all right now.

My body tenses, my heart picking up speed as I picture my body tumbling down the cliff, the crunch of bones, the flash of agony before my ultimate death.

Death.

Seriously? That’s what you want?

“I don’t know what I fucking want,” I whisper.

And won’t it be better for everyone if I just go?

The world seems to still around me as I wait for the answer.

It doesn’t come.

I don’t hear any voices in my head. There’s no sign or symbol that I shouldn’t throw my life away right now.

Yet I step back.

My boots scuff the dirt, my chest starting to heave as I stumble back a few more paces, then hit the dirt, my elbow landing on a stone, my hip thumping onto the hard ground.

Pain fires through me and I flop onto my back, fisting my hair and screaming, “Fuck!”

I can’t even kill myself.

I can’t fucking do anything!

“I hate you!” I yell, that dark, horrible feeling bubbling in my chest, spreading like a virus until all I can do is lie here and glare up at the sky.

It’s a deep, dark blue now. The sun will set soon, and I’ll be all alone in this isolated patch of the world. That’s probably best for everybody. It’s not like I’m doing much good back in Nolan.

Maybe I should just stay here.

Closing my eyes, I let my mind drift. I’ll just lie on this cold ground and let it swallow me.

It won’t hurt anybody.

I’ll just drift away. They can find my body in a few days.

No one will mind.

They’ll all be at practice now anyway, working hard, not thinking about me.

Nobody will?—

“Carson!” someone shouts, and my eyes ping open.

Headlights illuminate the space above me as I turn in the dirt, springing to my feet when Wily’s truck swerves to avoid me, then jerks to a stop along the tree line.

“What are you doing out here?” Zander jumps from the passenger seat.

I scramble away from him, holding up my hands to warn him off.

He stops, planting his feet in the dirt and staring at me like he’s really worried about something.

“What are you doing here?” I manage, my gaze darting from him to Wily, then jumping to Grady and Tyrell.

They’re all wearing the same expressions, slowly approaching me like I’m a wild black bear about to lunge forward and maul them.

Grady steps forward, holding up his cell phone. “We were worried. We’ve been trying to call you.”

I glance at the edge of the cliff. My phone was in my bike bag. It’ll no doubt be smashed up at the bottom of the cliff.

Fuck.

My bike.

My chest feels like it’s caving in as I picture that crumpled wreck, then relive the moment of standing on the edge and wondering if I should become one as well.

A shudder runs through me.

“When you didn’t answer, I…” Grady’s voice catches my attention, and my eyes snap to his when he glances at Zander, who nods. “I tracked you.”

“What?” I jerk tall, glaring at him. “You tracked my fucking phone?”

“When we picked you up last night, you were so wasted. We were worried about you, man. We wanted to keep an eye on you.”

“If was a total fluke that we saw you at that party.” Wily steps forward. “If we hadn’t shown up, who knows what could have happened?”

“So… I took your phone and set it up so that I could track you when we needed to. We just want to make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

“Who gives a fuck what happens to me?” I hiss.

Wily’s expression crumples like I’ve just hurt him or something. Moving even closer, he gets within arm’s reach and I curl my fist, warning him away.

He ignores me, wrapping his beefy hands around my taut fingers. “I care.”

I shake my head.

“We all care,” Zander calls over his shoulder.

“You shouldn’t.” I shake my head again, tears starting to burn my eyes, my nose, my throat. Fuck! I will not fucking cry!

“Come on, man.” Grady moves in beside Wily as Tyrell steps up behind them both.

Now I’m facing all four of my roommates, their expressions a mix of worry and sadness. Shaking out of Wily’s hold, I step back, scraping my hands through my hair. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“We’re not going anywhere.”

“Yeah, man. You’re one of us.”

I can’t help a mocking laugh as my body starts to shake. “You don’t want me. You’re better off without me.”

Wily lets out a soft sigh, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around me before I can get away from him. “We love you, dude.” He gives me a tight squeeze. “We love you.”

My face buckles along with my insides, and I beat his back with my fist. “No. You shouldn’t!”

“We do.” Zander catches my arm before I can hit Wily again. “We love you.”

That big, dumb giant is still holding me tight, and the tears I’ve been trying so hard to fight overtake me. I can’t stop fucking shaking as I let out this pitiful, keening whine.

“We love you,” Grady says, and I can’t fucking hear those words anymore.

I want to wrestle out of Wily’s hold, shove him off me and tell them all to fuck off.

But then my stupid fingers curl into his sweater, and I find myself clinging to the guy.

Clinging… and crying like a fucking baby.