Page 56

NYLAH

It’s dark when I wake. I have no idea what time it is, but everything hurts… right down to my soul. I don’t understand why. Was it a bad dream? Was I crying in my sleep or something? My eyes feel puffy. My head is aching. My?—

Carson.

At first, the word is just a soft whisper, but then it starts to grow. Those six letters expand in my mind until they’re pressing against my skull, then dripping down my throat, into my chest cavity, and…

It wasn’t a dream.

My belly shudders.

It wasn’t a dream.

He told me to go. He shouted at me to get out of his room. To leave him alone.

We’re over. We’re done.

Tears flood my eyes again as I struggle to wrap my head around it.

I love him.

But he won’t let me.

I want to help him.

But I can’t.

Rolling onto my side, I fist my pillow and let the tears flow unchecked.

My eyes ache.

My stomach hurts.

My brain feels overstuffed with cotton balls. They’ve been soaked in despair and disbelief, and the feeling is hauntingly familiar yet sharper and more painful.

Nick dumped me when I was lying in a hospital bed. That hurt. I cried… and I got over it.

Carson dumping me hurts so much worse, and I don’t even understand why.

I loved Nick, didn’t I?

Shouldn’t this pain be about the same?

I whimper, turning my head into the pillow as a sob shakes my belly.

It’s not the same! This pain is worse. It’s so much worse!

“Hey,” a voice gently calls across the room, and then feet are padding over the floor. My bed dips as someone takes a seat on the edge of it. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I mumble, tucking my knees up and pulling Carson’s hoodie over them. My leg hurts in this balled-up position, but I take it. This pain is different to the one in my chest. More bearable somehow.

“What can I do?”

“Nothing.” I sniff and eventually turn my head when my roommate doesn’t get the hint and go back to her side of the room.

Jolie rubs my shoulder, then leans over and switches on the night-light beside my bed.

I squint against the glow, my puffy eyes burning as I try to bring her into focus.

Her thumb rubs circles over my shoulder as she gives me a sad, worried frown. “What happened?”

My lips dip, then tremble, and I don’t even know how I’m going to say it out loud, but then I suck in a breath and the words tumble free. “Carson dumped me yesterday.” I press the back of my hand against my lips, but it doesn’t cut off the sob.

“Oh no.” Her face bunches with sympathy. “I’m guessing you didn’t see it coming.”

I shake my head. “I love him. And he loves me, he just… won’t let himself.”

She reaches for a tissue and dabs my wet cheeks. “What exactly did he say?”

“He just told me he’s not good for me and said we’re over. I tried to argue that we’re not, but he ended up screaming at me to leave him alone.”

“Whoa, really?” Jolie’s big eyes bulge even wider. “That’s intense.”

I let out a soft scoff. “Well, he was drunk, so…”

She winces. “Well, maybe if he was drunk, he didn’t really know what he was saying.

Maybe he’s gonna wake up this morning with big regret.

It might not be over, you know?” Her voice bounces high with hope.

“Maybe he’ll be calling you with an apology, and you can get back together… if that’s what you want.”

“Of course it’s what I want. I love him.”

“Even after he screamed at you?” Her expression turns dubious.

“He was just upset. And drunk. He…” I shake my head, rolling onto my back and blinking up at the ceiling. “He’s a really sweet guy. He just gets emotional sometimes.”

“Well…” Jolie shrugs. “Maybe it’s not over. Once the emotion settles down, you can talk some sense into him. Just as long as…”

My eyes ping to her uncertain gaze. “As what?”

“I guess you just have to be careful that he doesn’t do that bounce-back-and-forth thing where he puts you through the wringer every time he’s drunk or going through something bad, you know? Are you sure you want to be with someone like that?”

Biting my lips together, I sniff and run my hand over the silk scarf covering my hair. Is that what I want? Will Carson do this to me again?

I don’t know.

All I do know is that I love him. I want him—warts and all.

“He’s mine,” I softly explain. “And I’m his.”

“Okay.” Jolie smiles down at me. “Then I guess you better stop crying, because it’s not over, right?

Why don’t you go take a shower? I’ll go hunt us down some nice coffees, and when you’re feeling human again, you can give him a call or something.

” Her nose wrinkles. “Or maybe give him one day’s grace to get over his hangover. ” She winks.

I smile up at her, slashing the last of my tears off my cheeks. “Thanks, Jolie.”

“It’s okay.” She stands up and pads back across the room to get dressed.

“What time is it? Will there even be coffee available anywhere?”

She picks up her phone. “It’s six thirty, and I know Java Jeans opens at stupid o’clock on a weekday, so I’ll head over there. You”—she points at me—“get in the shower.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She grins and starts getting dressed.

I wait for her to leave before throwing the covers back and shuffling into the shower.

I stay there for way too long, the hot water beating down on my chest, my stomach still trembling and jerking as I fight more tears.

Why am I still crying?

There’s hope now, right?

Carson was drunk. He was emotional. He probably regrets everything he said to me.

But I can’t shake this gnawing sense of unease.

And it only grows worse as the day goes on. Hot coffee doesn’t help, and after Jolie leaves for her first class, I decide to take a sick day and crawl back into bed.

Grabbing my phone off the side table, I stare at the screen until my eyes blur, then go to my Favorites list and call Carson.

He doesn’t answer.

So I text him.

And he doesn’t reply.

Not after I finish watching Back to the Future III .

Not after Predator .

And not after Stargate.

When Jolie pops by in the afternoon, she’s surprised to find me in bed, but then she takes one look at my face and she knows.

All I can do is give her a watery, helpless frown before rolling over in my bed, closing my eyes, and trying to shut out the world.