Page 35 of The Never List (Never List #1)

Rylee

I’m a coward.

I didn’t say a fucking word when Pierce said he’d keep my secret—and that was nearly two weeks ago. I just stared at him for a few heartbeats and then attacked him with kisses and worshipped his body until he fell asleep.

It wasn’t my most brave and heroic move, but it’s all I had.

Sure, I can say I’m confident in my role here all I want, but when it came down to it? When he confronted me with the truth?

I froze.

And I hate that I don’t even know which secret he uncovered while I submitted my mind to him. Is it that I’m an Ashlander? Or that I’m a demi? Or both?

He’s never once mentioned it in our time together since he brought it up.

And I still don’t have the courage to ask.

Not even as the clock runs out on my time in the Emerald Wood, with only two days left to spend with Pierce.

Pierce, who has been wonderful and accommodating, who has challenged me intellectually and emotionally and connected with me on levels I couldn’t even imagine. Pierce, who knows one of my secrets and hasn’t judged me, yelled at me, or tried to harm me.

Pierce, who is leading me through one of his favorite nightclubs in the Emerald Wood, this one with boisterous live music consisting of strings and piano and brass instruments that fill the space with a melodic rhythm that has people dancing and swaying on the dance floor in practiced moves they somehow all seem to know.

It’s a wonderful distraction, especially as Axl and Kal join us at Pierce’s table. The absence of Jax is so evident it almost hurts. But I ignore the space where he should be sitting and hug Axl and Kal, grateful for this time together.

It isn’t long before Pierce beckons me onto the dance floor.

“I don’t know any of these steps,” I admit when I reach him.

“Just follow my lead, darling,” Pierce says, clearly noting my panic as we step onto the floor among all the dancers simultaneously moving in a rehearsed way.

“Do you trust me?” he asks when I haven’t relaxed as we move, afraid I might make some misstep and be outed for the Ashlander I am.

I meet his gaze and nod. “I trust you.”

How could I not after everything?

Pierce smiles deeply, one hand in mine and the other on my hip as he spins me around the dance floor. The more I relax, the easier the moves become, and then we’re folding right into the crowd of his people, laughing and smiling as we bounce and dip and spin.

Mid-song, Axl sweeps in, scooping me up and inserting himself into the dance, making me laugh harder as we keep up to the beat of the music.

And then it’s Kal leading me, the shift between partners smooth and graceful as they pass me around in a world of music and melody and movement that has my head spinning and my heart racing in the best of ways.

We laugh and dance until I’m no longer thinking about anything outside of the pure joy it is to be with the three of them.

We dance until my feet hurt in my heeled shoes and sweat dots my brow.

We dance as if we have all the time in the world, as if the approaching dawn doesn’t signify my last day in the Emerald Wood.

We dance as if we aren’t going to be expected at a kings’ dinner tomorrow and I won’t be venturing into Jax’s city the day after.

We dance as if none of these problems exist and no obstacles line our paths until this present becomes our future reality.

But eventually the music stops and I have to say goodbye to Kal and Axl one more time.

And even as I tumble into bed with Pierce, exhausted from a brilliant night of fun, I can’t help but cling to this moment, wanting it to last a little longer.

Because I’m terrified that when I go to Jax, he’ll be the one who ends up rejecting me after all, bringing this little fantasy I’ve been living to a crashing, burning end.

…

I fiddle with the spider ring Pierce gifted me, the emerald flickering beneath the lights in the entryway of his home.

“Are you sure I must go now?” I ask, having returned from a thankfully uneventful kings’ dinner. Pierce’s father had been kind to me, even spoken softly when he inquired about my favorite parts of the Emerald Wood, almost as if he regretted our conversation a couple of weeks ago.

And as much as I wanted that dinner to end, it’s hard to say goodbye to Pierce now.

Mirren has already packed my things, and Pierce helped her load them into the carriage.

He smooths his hands down my arms, drawing me close. “I would keep you forever if I could, darling,” he says. “But I must share you.”

“I’m nervous,” I admit. “Jax… He hasn’t…” I can barely find the right words.

Pierce intertwines our fingers. “I will admit, I wasn’t sure about Jax’s choice that first evening or even weeks after.” He flashes me an apologetic smile. “You were different than any before, and while I knew that might be the best change of pace, I was afraid.” He sighs. “I’m afraid every Choosing.” He squeezes my hands tighter. “The pressure of finding the perfect mate is a daunting problem that I’ve had no control over. Even when I made my selection, it was wrong.” Something calculating flickers behind his eyes. “And now I believe it’s because we were the ones choosing.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t think Jax chose you like we’ve done in the past,” he explains. “I think he had to choose you. I think he felt the connection we’ve all felt and couldn’t deny it, almost as if you walked into the party and chose us instead.”

My heart expands a little at his declaration, but my spirit instantly falls.

That’s not even close to the reason I was there.

The image of my sister flutters across my mind, followed by the deep ache in my chest with the uncertainty of her whereabouts. None of Pierce’s connections, or Axl’s or Kal’s, have been able to locate her, which has sat heavily on my chest for weeks now.

It doesn’t matter that I’ve convinced myself her forget me painting in the Ruby Aire was an outward declaration of her not wanting to be found…it still hurts.

Pierce flinches as if he can feel the pain radiating from me, and it’s only then that I sense the soft warmth of his presence in my mind.

Fear and panic streak through my veins, but he simply skirts a hand along my cheek, pressing his forehead to mine.

“I promise,” he whispers. “I’m doing everything in my power to find her.”

The sincerity in his words brings tears to my eyes, but I quickly suck in a breath, not wanting our last private moments to be spent crying.

“You should stop spending your resources on it.” I hate to admit that out loud, but it’s the truth. “We have to focus on the quickly approaching winter solstice and the Athanry,” I hurry to say. “Perhaps my sister simply doesn’t want to be found.” My heart clenches in my chest. “I’m starting to believe that if she wanted to be, she would be.”

“I admire your courage in accepting that possibility,” he says, and the depth of that understanding radiates in his eyes. “But I won’t stop searching. None of us will. You deserve closure and peace about her well-being, regardless of the motivation behind it in the first place.”

I sigh, nodding. I’m so grateful for him…for all of them, I don’t even know where to begin in the way of thanking them.

“You’re sure about this?” I ask after a few moments, because I really need the assurance right now.

“Rylee, darling,” he says, bringing our bodies flush as he tips my head back with the hand on my cheek. “I don’t want you to go, but you must. It’s Jax’s turn. The sooner you two sort out your differences, the sooner we can all start the final bonding process.”

“Differences,” I say, shaking my head in his palm. I focus on that problem instead of the giant one at hand.

How am I to accept the bonds with these Legends officially and undergo the Athanry when they don’t know my secrets?

“That’s an understatement,” I continue. “Jax has been indifferent toward me since the night of the Choosing. I know he regrets his choice.”

“Can you read minds now, darling?” Pierce asks, teasing his lips over mine and making me shiver.

“No, but Jax isn’t that hard to read.”

“He’s the hardest to read, even for me.” He leans down, kissing me again, longer this time, enough to soothe the aching tension in my chest, enough to make me forget that I’m about to leave.

“You know that it doesn’t matter if you, Axl, and Kal have given me your tokens, your choice…if Jax doesn’t, if he finds me lacking…”

Then we’re all screwed.

And he’s the one I’ve worried about most. Not only because I was so instantly drawn to him that night, but because he’s the one whose approval I’ve sought most this entire time and I’ve never gotten it. He hates liars, and he knows I’m lying to them every single day. How can I be expected to fix that tangled mess?

“No one is perfect, Rylee,” he says, and I scan his face for deception. Because he can’t be fully telling the truth. Not if he knows where I come from. Not if he knows I’m a forbidden anomaly living in a world designed to hate me. “We all have flaws. You’ve seen enough of ours to understandably send you running, but you haven’t.” He sighs. “Jax is complicated. Try to put yourself in his position. His father is a liar by nature, someone who constantly tests and punishes him for simply being what he is. Since birth, Jax has been bombarded with other peoples’ emotions. Yes, he can control them, but the constant state of feeling what others do, of knowing how they feel about him…”

The sentence hangs there as Pierce’s features shift. He and Jax are the closest out of the four, and there’s genuine concern in his eyes.

“He’s rarely met a person who isn’t terrified of him,” he explains. “With who his father is and how he behaves, it’s not hard for people to make the stretch that he’s the same cold, heartless fool Baydel is. The Nightmare,” he says, shaking his head. “A Legend who delights in manipulating emotions simply because he can. He could make you feel nothing but desire for him without so much as touching you, or he could make you tremble with fear or turn you against him with the iciest hate in existence.”

When he says it like that, explaining it in that way… Goddess, no wonder Jax is so closed off to everyone around him. I doubt anyone outside his fellow Legends has seen him for who he really is, accepted it, and loved him because of it.

My heart sinks to my stomach. Falling for Kal was as easy as breathing, and I think I loved Axl the moment he playfully called me kitten . But Pierce and Jax are different. Pierce tested me, made me earn his trust, his attention, but now? Now there is nothing left between us except this connection I can’t deny.

And Jax?

I swallow around the emotion clogging my throat.

“Jax treats me like the biggest mistake of his life,” I admit on a whisper. “What are we going to do if he truly does hate me and rejects me?”

He could do it, too. He has the ability to shut this all down. Sure, I’ll have more power at the official Choosing ceremony where I choose them as my lifelong mates, accepting them for who they are down to their cores…but if he wants, he could reject me before all this is done.

Pierce dips down, kissing me again before pulling back. “If that happens,” he says, though he sounds doubtful, “we’ll deal with it then.”

“Right. We have more important things to focus on.” The upcoming Athanry, if we make it that far, and the Faders who have gone quiet in a way that puts us all on edge.

Pierce draws my hand up, planting a kiss over the ring he gave me. “I don’t give this out lightly, darling. You are the most important thing to me now,” he says. “My mate—if not official, then in my heart.”

My lungs tighten at his words.

I’ve never been loved like this before, from all three of them, and it’s overwhelming to say the least. I’m accustomed to being used and discarded like yesterday’s trash. This… How is it harder to swallow?

There is still a very big part of me that believes they will all laugh in my face at the final Choosing, when I choose them and unlock their powers by undergoing the Athanry, and if I survive, they’ll kick me out of their lives at the very public event, then incarcerate me for being what I am for good measure.

Why is that more believable than the compassion they’ve already shown me these last few months? And will there ever be a time when I stop doubting and start accepting? When I believe I’m a fraction good enough for them?

“Darling,” Pierce chides. “I’m doing my best to stay out of your mind and give you privacy, but I can’t help hearing what you’re basically shouting at me.” He shifts us, maneuvering me to the nearest wall, pinning me against it with his body. “What will it take for you to believe me when I tell you I want every piece of you? Even the ones you’ve kept hidden from us?”

I shiver against him, my heart racing in my chest.

Maybe it isn’t about me needing him to convince me.

Maybe I need to convince myself.

He must read that, either in my eyes or my mind, because he simply sighs and claims my mouth in a breath-stealing kiss that has my toes curling in my shoes.

“I want to stay.” I sigh between his lips as he hooks my leg around his hip and pushes against me.

“I want you to stay, too,” he says, drawing back just enough to look at me with fire in his eyes. “But…” He clears his throat, stepping back just enough for us to both breathe. “I can’t be selfish with you right now. You know that myself or Axl or Kal would accompany you, should you ask, but…” He takes my hand in his again, rubbing his thumb over the back. “I know my friend,” he says, eyes on my hand, as if looking at me will trigger another wave of need too powerful for either of us to deny. “He won’t open up to you if we’re there to act as buffers. And whatever is ailing him…you’re the only one who can help him.”

“I think you’re seriously off base on this one.”

He finally looks at me, a little smirk on his lips at me openly challenging his assumptions. I doubt that happens to the Mind often, and the fact that I’m one of the few gives me a little flutter of power.

“You trust me, don’t you?” he asks.

How could I not trust him? I opened my mind to him in every way possible, and yet, here I stand, cared for, practically adored. Not in a prison, not gearing up for an execution.

Pierce may have doubted me in the beginning, but now? Now I can feel his intentions through that connection we share, and the fear and panic in my heart have quieted. If he’s planning to betray me in the end, then he’s a master manipulator and the best actor I’ve ever met.

“Yes,” I finally say, opening my mind another fraction, allowing that warmth of his to slide right in. The sensation has me arching against him, my blood thrumming with need. It’s a primal thing, an instinctual thing, and I’d rather submit myself to the throes of it than step one foot outside this house and face the one Legend who may end it all for me.

“Good,” he says. “Then please, do me a favor and help him. He will never ask for it, never admit it, but he needs you. Probably more than all of us combined.”

I swallow hard, nodding. “I’ll do my best.”

“Then I have no doubts everything will work out,” he says, brushing another kiss along my mouth. He kisses his way across my jawline and up to the shell of my ear. “And just think how all four of us will ravage you once we’re given the chance.”

Streaks of lava spear through my veins, the heat settling between my thighs at the image he’s painted. The same image I fantasized about when Ivy forged the invitation to the Choosing for me. Goddess, that feels like years ago, not mere months.

I’d laughed at the idea then, secretly envisioning what it would be like to have four powerful men like them consume me entirely.

And now?

It could be my reality. My soul soars at just the thought.

But just as quickly, my hopes are dashed. Because Kal, Axl, and Pierce might’ve taken to me, but Jax is the Nightmare.

And Nightmares don’t fall in love and live happily ever after.