Page 42 of The Lies Always Told (Baker Oaks #4)

“Sorry, sorry, congrats, you guys. Carry on celebrating. I’m just using the restroom.

” I walk down the hallway until I make it to the guest bedroom.

Their house isn’t huge, so I can still hear them cheering and celebrating, and I need to breathe.

I need to wash my face to cool off. I need…

something. I need to not look at Gus so I can be myself again.

Seeing him here was like pouring salt on a fresh wound.

I open the faucet, letting the cool water run and all but stick my head into it.

I wash my face after removing my glasses and look up at the mirror.

“Get yourself together, Nellie. He’s just a man. Just a man,” I tell myself in the mirror over and over, and maybe I’ll believe it someday. I grab the tie from my wrist and pull my long hair up into a ponytail. I fasten it with the tie and dry my face.

“Just a man, Nellie. Just a man,” I whisper to myself, opening the bathroom door and seeing said man standing right in front of it. His back is against the wall, his legs crossed one over the other one, a smug smile on his face.

“Who’s just a man?” I’m actually going to kill him. I would look good in orange. Who the fuck cares about jail? Not me, that’s for sure.

“I’m not having this conversation here, Gus.”

“You’re not having any conversations with me, Nellie. How is a man supposed to survive?”

“You survived just fine before this summer. Go back to your models and enjoy.” I try to walk past him, back to the gathering, but he stops me. His hand brushes mine, sending a spark of electricity up my arm.

“What if I want you?” he whispers against my ear. The audacity. Where did he buy it? I would love to buy some for myself.

I turn around to face him and lower my voice so nobody else hears me.

“I’m not a toy, and I’m not playing games.

You think you want me, but what you want is my body.

I’m more than that. You had the chance to have my body and parts of me, but now, that time has passed.

Now, you’re left with none of me. Excuse me. ”

I try to walk past him, but he holds my arms and says, “ Tell me something, Trouble. Have you ever felt like your heart is going to leave your body at any time? Because I have, twice… Once at seventeen, when I got diagnosed with my crappy heart, and again when you kicked me out of that cabin. Tell me…have you ever felt like that before? Have you ever felt the way you do when we’re together? ”

He waits for me to answer, but when I don’t, he adds, “Tell me. Have you?” I shake my head.

“Well, neither have I. I don’t feel for others.

I don’t fall for others. I wanted to be able to leave you alone.

I wanted to say I could move on and forget you.

God knows I’ve tried. But damn it, Nellie, I can’t.

One touch of your lips, and I should’ve known.

I lied to myself. I got scared and pushed you away. Again.”

He says his heart leaped out of his chest three weeks ago? I’m sure mine is out of my body. Walking alone. Getting crushed and healed by his words, just for him to crush it again when he gets scared. When he shuts down and pushes me away. I can’t do this.

He must see the hesitation in my eyes, because he continues, his voice softer, stopping me in my tracks.

“I lied because I thought that’s all we were pretending to be, but considering how I can’t stop thinking about you or seeing you every time I close my eyes, or smelling your scent on my pillow, on my bed, in my home…

Considering how much I like it, considering how much I miss you, you were never that.

I couldn’t keep lying to myself, Nellie.

I tried to keep you at bay so I don’t hurt you, but the lies I always told myself were beyond what I thought I could keep you from.

You ended up getting hurt in the crossfire, and distance wasn’t going to fix it.

” I stare him in the eyes, searching for the bluff, but I can’t find it.

He’s telling me the truth, but I can’t think straight right now, so I shake my head.

“I was wrong. You’re so much more, and calling you my fuck buddy earlier was definitely stupid of me.

I’ve realized if you push, I push back, and that’s a tough habit to break.

Not an excuse…just, fuck, please, Nellie.

Give me another chance. Let’s talk when you’re sober, please.

I have more to explain, but I can’t do it like this.

Please. I’m begging at this point. Pleading.

If you just give me the chance, I’ll be honest about it all, even if it’s scary,” he says, his eyes an intense midnight stare.

“I have to think about it,” I mumble, crossing my arms over my chest.

“What do you want me to do? How can I show you I know I fucked up? How can I show you I’m ready for more?”

“Everyone out there is going to know if you don’t go,” I snap at him, looking up and seeing his grin. Stupid, handsome jerk.

“No! You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to come here and look handsome and shit and say things like that after you basically told me we were only going to sleep together, only to then chase me and tell me you actually wanted to get to know me.

Then, you said we were fuck buddies, but ten minutes later, you want me again?

You need to get your shit in check before you ask for another chance.

” He looks so sad, so lost, and I feel like a bitch about it.

No, I’m standing my ground.

“You say you’re gone for me? Prove it. You say you want another chance? Earn it. I want you to grovel, Gus. I want you to do more than tell me you want more. Show me you do. Until then, goodbye.”

I walk past him, and this time, I’m successful. I find Allie standing a few feet away.

“There you are. Cara was looking for you. Is everything okay?” She looks between us, waiting for one of us to answer, but I’m not giving Gus the chance to say anything.

“Yup. We had one of those moments when I tried to go right, and so did he, and when I tried to go left, he did too. It’s just awkward but all good. Where’s Cara?” I ask, trying to play it off as nonchalant .

“Outside. She said to meet her out there when you’re ready.”

“Thanks for the lovely day, Allie.” I hug her, and she smiles at me.

“Always, sweet girl. Please come next Sunday. You’re always welcome here.”

“We’ll see. Thanks again.” I walk past her and wave goodbye to the rest of her friends, all still laughing and talking, with no clue about anything else going on.

It’s both a blessing and a curse.