Page 20 of The Lies Always Told (Baker Oaks #4)

NINE

USE ME ANY WAY YOU WANT

this is me trying by Taylor Swift & Homeward bound/home by Glee

Gus

No matter how much trouble sleeping I may have, after an attack, it’s all I seem to be able to do.

It drains all my energy, especially considering my body has to fight so hard just to keep me alive.

My muscles hurt, my brain is foggy, the heaviness of it all weighs me down—there’s not much I can do.

By the way the sun is shining through the window, it must be mid-day.

I stretch and turn my head, but I don’t see Nellie anywhere.

The gentle breeze flows through the open window, but all I hear are the seagulls squawking and the waves crashing on the shore.

The last thing I wanted was for Nellie to witness that.

I don’t want anyone seeing me in that state, but I can’t imagine how utterly shocking it is to see someone becoming a human balloon right before your eyes, let alone without having details on what’s happening.

Walking out of the room, I see the glass double doors are open, the white curtains flowing in the wind.

Behind them, far in the distance, standing by the water, is Nellie.

Her dark hair is in a loose braid falling down her back.

A dark top with jean shorts frames her body and makes her skin glow under the sun.

Her toes are in the water, but her gaze is somewhere in the distance.

No matter how close to her I get, she doesn’t look anywhere else.

She doesn’t turn her body around. She doesn’t move.

She just stands there, toes in the sand, back straight, face held high.

“Good morning,” I say, my voice still hoarse and raspy after sleeping most of the morning.

Nellie turns my way, and what I see breaks my heart in two: rosy cheeks, swollen, glossy eyes, and the saddest expression I’ve ever seen on anyone.

Nellie is young, but she’s never looked as young as she looks right now.

She looks fragile and in need of protection, and the internal beast that lives in me notices before I can use my brain.

“What’s wrong?” I ask her, closing the space between us and pulling her to me.

She buries her face in my chest and wraps her arms tight around my torso.

I bring my hands to her head, gently touching her hair in a soothing motion.

I know better than to ask her to calm down, and I know better than to try and have a conversation.

Sometimes, all we need is a good cry. All we need is to let the tears flow and cleanse whatever ailment is in our hearts, even if it’s not a physical one.

We stand wrapped in each other as I let her do whatever she needs—hit me, squeeze me, scream at me, literally anything she wants to do. I stand and wait. It could be seconds, minutes, or hours, and I wouldn’t know, because all I can think is how I need to be here for her no matter what.

She finally lets go of me, and after wiping her tears away, she looks up at me. Her beautiful green eyes reflect flecks of gold from the light and the tears.

“Thank you,” she whispers as another tear falls.

I bring my hand up to cup her face and wipe it away with my thumb.

“Thank you for what, baby girl?” The nickname leaves my lips before I can hold it back.

I don’t know if I have the right to call her that after yesterday’s events, considering she’s going back to her place tonight.

After tomorrow, this little bubble will burst, and we’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming.

“For letting me use you as my human tissue box. What a mess.”

“You’re the prettiest mess. You can use me anytime you want.” She holds my gaze, keeping me both grounded and scared shitless about what has her so torn.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, and she nods, holding my hand and dragging us back to the towel she has down on the beach.

She’s fidgety. Her hands go from holding her elbows and squeezing her skin to her fingers picking at her cuticles.

She opens and closes her mouth several times but doesn’t say anything.

“Say something, Nellie.”

“You scared me yesterday. I didn’t know what the hell was happening, and I don’t speak Spanish.

I felt helpless, and that’s the last thing I ever want to feel.

You kept me in the dark, and you could’ve died, Gus.

I’ve been reading about HAE since before the sun came up, and let’s just say, I’m even more terrified than I was before. ”

“I know. I’m sorry. I should’ve said something.”

“You think? God, Gus, what would you have done?”

“I understand why you’re this upset. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you, but Nellie, this is not my first flare up, and it won’t be my last. It’s not too dangerous if I keep it under control.

It usually is under control,” I add, trying to reassure her but also not sugarcoating it.

If she’s been reading about it, I’m sure she’s seen pictures and read the worst case scenarios.

“How quickly can someone die from it?” she asks, and I don’t reply. Something tells me she already knows the answer. “As little as four hours. Four hours, Gus, and we were in the middle of the ocean in a sailboat I didn’t know how to maneuver. What would you have done?”

“Send you swimming to shore? You’re a strong swimmer, remember?”

“Don’t you dare play with me right now. This is serious,” she spits with fury behind her words. She’s so angry, and I get it, but there’s nothing I can do now.

“I’m sorry. I deflect with humor. I understand you’re upset.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. To be honest, I usually don’t tell people.

If I’m not attached to someone, they don’t need to know my body attacks itself.

They don’t need to know that, at any given moment, I can have a flare up and swell like a balloon.

They don’t need to know that even though I’m young, active, and happy, there’s a ticking bomb inside me that gets triggered easily.

I’m sorry I kept you out of the loop, and I am so sorry I didn’t say anything when I knew I had not taken my medicine.

I should have warned you. I should’ve given you more context, and for that, I’m sorry. ”

She lets a couple of tears fall down her cheeks as she listens attentively. I hold her hand in mine and gently caress her soft skin. Even with the small, raised scars, it feels like heaven.

“I’m definitely sorry I scared you so much you decided to research instead of swimming on our last day here.”

“Ignorance is a bliss I don’t have the privilege to maintain.

At least now, I’m informed, unlike yesterday.

” I can see it in her eyes as she dances with turmoil.

She looks hesitant. She doesn’t hold my gaze, challenging like she usually does.

It seems like she’s ready to tell me something I don’t want to hear, and I don’t know how to fix it .

“Again, I’m sorry, Nellie. I am so sorry.” We sit in silence, looking at each other as the waves softly crash onto the sand. She tilts her head away from me to look at the waver. The tide is coming in, and the spot where we were standing before is underwater before I can say anything else.

“That’s how I felt,” Nellie adds, not taking her eyes away from the shore.

“How?”

“Like I was under the water with everything moving around me, both too fast and too slow. So helpless. So useless.”

“Don’t you dare say that. You are neither of those things, I promise you.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Nellie adds.

“I can promise you that. You’re not useless, and you may have felt helpless, but you were not. I mean it.”

“I want to go home,” Nellie says suddenly as she stands. She dries her tears and looks at the water before turning back toward me with determination in her eyes.

“Okay?” I ask, not understanding what she means.

“I mean it, Gus. I’m going to pack my bags. I would like to go back now.”

Noted. The conversation’s over, and she’s ready to go back to reality, regardless of what I think. She puts her barriers up and walks inside the villa, not turning back once. I guess we’re going home.

The flight was painfully long and too quiet. Nellie didn’t talk to me much and pretended she was asleep for most of it. I was dreading the moment we had to go back, and now that it’s here, I was right to dread it. I’m going to miss her, and I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye .

“Can I see you again?” I ask, holding her suitcase and standing outside her condo.

“I’m sure we’ll see each other at the next family function in a few months,” Nellie replies, grabbing the handle of the suitcase and pulling it to her.

“That’s not what I meant.” I know I said this couldn’t go any further, but I hate leaving her like this here. I hate leaving us like this.

“You said nothing could happen after this weekend,” Nellie bites back, pushing the frame of her glasses up and not looking me in the eye.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to leave things like this. I don’t know, maybe you were right. Maybe we can try to figure ourselves out before discarding the possibility completely.”

“I don’t think so. If there’s a chance for us to be a thing , I need time.”

“Just three days ago, you said you wanted to see where this would go.” Please don’t prove me right, Nellie.

“Yeah, but the more I thought about it the more I realized these five days—this long weekend is all I could give you. I’m about to move back home and find a job.

I need to stay focused on that, so now the weekend is done, we can both carry on.

” The warm and flirty Nellie I’ve come to know is gone.

Here is the cold and facts-driven Nellie in her place.

I scoff and shake my head. “Unbelievable. I guess I was right. My issues are too much to handle, huh?”

“It’s not that, I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, remember? Isn’t that what you said? So this is it?” I ask incredulously, watching as Nellie shuts me out completely, locking the door and throwing away the key before I can even ask if I can keep it.

“It’s all I can give you right now.” Nellie turns to her front door to unlock it and then faces me again. This time, her lips tremble slightly. Almost imperceptible, but it’s there. The small shake. The hesitation .

“So that’s it then?” I ask again, trying to see if she’ll hesitate again.

All I need is a small sign that I can fight for this, even if just yesterday, I thought there was no way.

Even if I’m delusional. Even if it’s delusional.

But I don’t get that. What I get is a small smile, and then Nellie rises on her tiptoes to kiss me gently on the lips.

“That’s it, Gus. Have a good night. I’ll see you someday.” She steps through her door, closing it behind her and shutting me out completely. Message received.