Page 38 of The Lies Always Told (Baker Oaks #4)

SEVENTEEN

TELL ME I’M WRONG

Mientes Tan Bien by Sin Bandera I know I’m already in love with him.

He listened so attentively as I poured my heart out for him.

There are only a handful of people who know about the scars, about those dark years in my life, and he didn’t run.

He stayed. He listened. He kissed each and every one as if I’m a treasure he needs to safeguard.

I hate that I feel so much for him, and I can’t even tell him because of fear of losing him.

It was our decision to keep us a secret, but it’s getting hard to contain.

I’ve been lying to everyone about it. Lying to my family about him.

Lying to my friends about how seriously gone I am.

Lying to him about what I feel. Lying to myself, thinking I could hold off for much longer.

My brain feels like it’s in overdrive from getting ready for my new job, feeling like I won’t make the difference I want to make because I’m too preoccupied with my love life, all the secrets, and the guilt that comes with it all.

“Sorry about that,” he says as soon as he walks in through the door and snaps me out of my thoughts.

He looks completely different than when he left this room.

His body is stiff, and he doesn’t say anything else.

He just looks at me with his onyx eyes, darker now than ever, and then lowers them to avoid my gaze.

“What was it?” I ask, getting up from the bed and putting some clothes on.

“Nothing, but I do need to get back to town. I’m sorry, but I have to cut our stay short.”

“Why?”

He shifts a bit on his feet. “Nellie…”

I notice in the way he says my name. Something happened. It wasn’t just a hunch. It wasn’t just a guess. It’s a fact. It’s written all over his face. “What changed, Gus? You were here, and now you’re definitely not.”

“Nellie…” He whispers my name again, and I snap.

“Fuck, Gus. Just tell me. Just be honest with me. What was that about?” I swear, I’m about to lose my shit on this man. I laid out my heart and soul last night, and I thought we were finally getting somewhere.

“It’s just a work thing.” The motherfucker. He’s actually lying to my face.

“Bullshit. I call bullshit on that.” He finally snaps his eyes back to mine, and the same eyes that were soft and welcoming yesterday are intense and cold now. I wish I was like him. I wish I could just flip a switch and turn it all off. I wish I could just decide I don’t feel.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Gus.” He still doesn’t say anything.

Coward . “You can’t, can you? Because I’m right.

So tell me this: why is it that I have to lay my soul bare to you and show you into my heart, but you’re still not being completely honest with me?

Why is it that you consistently keep me at arm’s length when all I want to do is dive deep? ”

I’m tired of playing this game. I’m done with the secrets and the lies. Here it is, my heart on a platter for him, and I sure as hell hope he can guard it.

“Nellie…” Or not.

“No, no. Tell me, because I’m hella confused.

All I’ve asked is for you to be honest with me.

I’ve been patient. We agreed on keeping our relationship a secret until the timing was right, but it’s been right.

How long after Cara and Manny got together do you deem it appropriate?

How many layers of myself should I peel back before you deem me worthy?

I started my job, and you, what? You stopped traveling as much as you used to so you could see me more often, but on what pretenses? You won’t see me in public?—”

His body stiffens, as if he’s ready to argue with me, but when my eyes dare him to say something, he doesn’t. Maybe it’s unfair because I also made the decision to wait, but nothing about his body language or his words tell me he is ready to love me out loud.

“Taking me to a town where we don’t know anyone doesn’t count as seeing me in public, Gus. Are you that ashamed of me?”

“What? No, Nellie. I could never be ashamed of you.”

“Then what is it? What’s the excuse now?

I know you like me. We have fun together.

I love talking to you, and I think you like it too.

The sex is great, so what is it? We waited for them to get their shit together, and they did, so good for us for being considerate.

I don’t want to be considerate anymore. I want to be selfish.

What. Is. It?” He holds his hands on his lap, intertwining his fingers and looping his thumbs over and over around each other.

It’s his tell before Gus the business man comes out.

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen him do that, and every time is followed by serious and masked Gus, not my Gus.

“You’re just so young.” His shoulders are tense, his eyebrows furrowed.

He looks as if he’s in pain. Is he hurting because I’m demanding the truth, or because he’s a gentleman and doesn’t want to hurt me?

I’d rather hurt now than in six months, when my heart completely shatters because he refuses to keep me.

“Bullshit. Don’t play the age card on me. Not today.”

Gus lowers his eyes. “It’s not a card. It’s the truth. You have your whole life ahead of you, Nellie.”

“So. Do. You. You’re twenty-six Gus, not forty-six.

You said you have a condition, not an illness.

A condition you’ve learned to live with.

I can learn more about it too. Did you lie about that?

Are you sick, Gus? Because even if you are, I can handle it.

Are you?” He shakes his head, closing his eyes tightly.

“Then look me in the eyes and tell me why. Tell me.”