Page 37 of The Lavender Bride
NOVEMBER 1955
INTERVIEWER: You came out as gay five years ago. What made you take that decision?
REX TRENT: The world changed. The old prejudices disappeared. And I’m getting old. I didn’t want to die having never been open about who I am. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of pretending to be straight. I should never have married.
INTERVIEWER: Which time?
REX TRENT: All of ’em! I was a lousy husband. There’s no wonder they kept on divorcing me.
INTERVIEW WITH REX TRENT – brOADCAST ON HIS SIXTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY, 27 FEbrUARY 1989
‘There’s a bottle in the bag in case she wakes up and she’s hungry.’ I gingerly hand Ginny the carrycot where Ingrid is finally asleep. ‘There’s also a clean nappy, muslins, the rattle she likes?—’
‘We’ll be fine,’ Ginny says firmly. ‘I have taken care of a baby before.’
As if to prove her point, Eddie, who’s now eighteen months old, toddles on chubby legs through the door. ‘Auntie Aud!’ he lisps.
I put the bag stuffed with Ingrid’s many essentials on the floor, grab him under the arms and swing him up in the air. ‘How’s my favourite boy?’
He squeals with happiness until I set him down on his feet again. Then he grabs my hand with a decidedly sticky one of his own and tugs. ‘Trains.’
‘Not right now.’ I unpeel my hand from his. ‘When I get back.’
Ginny leans against the worktop in her neat as a pin kitchen (I honestly do not know how she does it. Since Ingrid was born, our kitchen resembles a bombsite) and looks at me with concern. ‘You feeling okay about this?’
‘Not really.’ There’s a flutter of anxiety in my belly and a tightness in my chest. ‘What if she doesn’t believe me?’
Ginny spreads her hands. ‘Then you’ll know you tried. That’s all you can do, honey.’
I nod and then straighten my shoulders. ‘Righto. I’d better go.’ I kiss my fingers and press them against my daughter’s cheek. It’s downy soft, and as always, ignites an ache deep in my heart.
* * *
Jack and I married in March of ’54 and bought a house in Glendale not far from Ginny and Nate’s. He works at MGM now. He was ready to leave Crown and Harry King behind and MGM made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Before we married, we went to Oregon to meet his family, who are the nicest people imaginable. Seeing him with his nieces brought a huge lump to my throat and I knew then he’d be a good dad if we were lucky enough to have children. Before Christmas ’53, I sold the jewellery Rex had given me for a surprising amount of money and bought two liner tickets to Southampton.
I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. I needed to know Jack got on with the family who still talk to me. Esther pronounced him ‘a really nice bloke’ (high praise indeed!), Bill and he talked intently about carpentry and David and Ruth called him ‘Uncle Jack’ from day one.
Mum and I had an emotional reunion at the very chilly botanical gardens in Sheffield. It was beyond wonderful to see her again. We hugged and cried and tried to pour all of the past seven years into the hour we had together. She was a bit shy around Jack, seeming not to know what to say to this slightly shaggy American, but later whispered to me, ‘He gets my vote, love. He treats you right. I can tell.’
Father refused to see me. I wasn’t surprised but it still hurt. Since Ingrid was born, I’ve found it even harder to understand how he can turn his back on his own child or why he doesn’t want to know his granddaughter. I send Mum photographs with my letters and she sends tiny booties, cardigans and hats she’s knitted.
After I got back from Reno, I got a job in the personnel department at Cal-Tech in Pasadena. I was still typing contracts but these were for the scientists who came to teach and research. I liked the quiet campus with its Mediterranean buildings. It felt like a million miles from the movie business.
Rex’s career flourishes. He was nominated for an Oscar for Operation Exodus this year but he didn’t win. Rumours still flurry around him. I don’t know what happened between him and Tony but Jack heard Tony moved to New York and is making a name for himself on Broadway. I’m sad for Rex that they’ve parted but I tried in our last conversation to offer him a different life and he chose not to take it.
What can I tell you about Jack? He’s my rock and my friend. He makes me laugh every day. He takes care of me, believes in me and can still spark desire with a single look. I waited and married him when I knew with every fibre of my being that I couldn’t live without him.
Our daughter was born in April and we named her Ingrid, after Jack’s wonderful grandmother (and my favourite female movie star) and Joan for my mum. It’s been a rollercoaster ride ever since. She’s yet to sleep through the night. Jack and I are permanently exhausted. I can’t remember the last time we had a night out. Yet I’ve never been happier.
Rita’s a surrogate grandmother to Ingrid and Ginny is the most stalwart friend imaginable. She thinks what I’m doing today is a mistake but I’d sleep even less if I let another girl walk blindly into marriage with Rex.
* * *
I’ve arranged to meet her at the Formosa Café, legendary hangout of movie stars. They say John Wayne once made himself scrambled eggs in the kitchen after drinking that much, he passed out in one of the booths. It’s exactly the kind of place which thrilled me when I first arrived in Hollywood. I’ve chosen it because it’s close to the Warner Brothers lot which is where she works.
The jukebox is playing ‘Only You’ by The Platters. Above the green, leather booths are rows of photos of Hollywood luminaries. I’m shown to a seat and scan the pictures above it: Bette Davis, Dinah Doyle and Humphrey Bogart.
A girl comes in and I recognise her from the photographs I’ve seen in the newspapers. Tall, pretty, heart-shaped face, blonde hair in a ponytail, wearing a tight sweater and a poodle skirt. I wave a little awkwardly.
As she walks over, the jukebox clicks over and ‘Rock Around the Clock’ by Bill Hayley and the Comets blares out. It’s a reminder that the world’s changing. Rock and roll has exploded onto the music scene. I’m twenty-seven but it makes me feel about a hundred and ten. It’s aimed at teenagers, like the girl who’s walking towards me. Emma Finch. Rex’s new fiancée.
‘Hello,’ I say as she sits down. ‘Thank you for coming to meet me.’
There’s a huge sapphire on her ring finger that winks in the light. At least he had the decency to buy her a new rock and not reuse the one I left behind.
She frowns, the lines marring her perfectly smooth forehead. ‘I still don’t know why you wanted to see me, Mrs Sorenson.’
‘Audrey, please. I want to talk to you about Rex.’
The waitress comes to the table. I ask for coffee; Emma orders dim sum and an orange juice.
Emma’s gaze focuses on my collar. I look down and spot the splodge of pureed banana. Blast! We’re moving onto solids and it’s rather hit and miss.
I pick up my napkin and dab at it but it’s not going to come off. ‘My daughter,’ I say by way of apology. ‘She’s six months old.’
Emma nods politely but I can tell she’s not interested. Babies are far removed from her life as yet.
‘How old are you?’ I ask suddenly.
‘Nineteen.’ She crosses her arms as her chin lifts.
Goodness, she’s even younger than I was. Rex is now thirty-one and he really has snatched her from the cradle!
I remember being nineteen as if it was yesterday. Proud of being finally out in the adult world, bashful around people older than me, embarrassed by my mistakes, bewildered by all the things I didn’t know. Hating being reminded how young I was.
Because of that, I make no comment and ask another question, ‘And you work at Warner Brothers?’
‘In the make-up department.’ She beams. ‘It’s my dream job.’
I remember that feeling. I said the same about working for Dirk and look how that turned out!
‘Is that where you met Rex?’ I ask.
The waitress brings our drinks. Emma nods before sipping her orange juice through a straw. ‘He was loaned to Warners and was working on a spy film. I didn’t do his make-up, but he used to ask me to bring him coffee.’ She flips her ponytail behind her shoulder. ‘And it kind of started like that.’
I bite the inside of my cheek as memories spool. Chatting to Rex at the Cock’n Bull, the rush of elation when he asked me out, that first date at Romanoff’s, dinner at Villa?—
I push them away. This isn’t about me. This is about what I can do for Emma.
‘When was this?’ I ask, fiddling with my teaspoon.
‘We started dating in September.’
My heart squeezes painfully. Two months! I bet it’s been just as much of a whirlwind for her as it was for me.
‘And when did you get engaged?’
She twists the ring around her finger. ‘Ten days ago. He asked me at L’Escoffier Room where we went for our first date.’ She blushes prettily. ‘The ring was on top of my lemon cheesecake and everyone cheered when I said yes.’
I bite back a sigh. Did Dirk have a hand in that? It’s exactly the kind of thing he’d stage-manage and then have a photographer on hand to snap the happy couple afterwards.
The gleam of pride in her eye confirms what I feared. This time, Rex hasn’t told his prospective bride the truth. She’s going into this believing not only that he loves her but that he’ll make love to her. She probably hopes for children with his beautiful, brown eyes and square jaw.
This is what’s been keeping me awake at night, wrestling with whether I should tell her what I know or if the promise I made to Rex back in Chateau Lake Louise should be kept. Jack, with his ability to cut through things, said, ‘If you’ll feel bad if you don’t then you’ve got to try.’ Which is what’s brought me here about to detonate a bomb under this girl’s happiness.
I take a deep breath. ‘Emma, I have to tell you something. It’s going to be hard to hear but I want you to at least listen.’
She presses her lips together and then nods sharply.
‘Rex will have swept you off your feet. I have no doubt you believe you’re in love with him but, you see, that’s not the real Rex.’
She gestures sharply as if to push my words away.
‘Just hear me out, okay?’
She licks her lips but doesn’t speak.
I continue, ‘There’s two things you need to know about Rex before you marry him. Firstly, he’s homosexual.’
She pulls back as if I’ve slapped her. ‘He is not! How can you spread such dirty lies about him? He’s told me it’s all trash made up by the papers.’
I look up at the ceiling and bite back a curse. If only I’d kept the photographs of Rex and Tony but I did as I promised and sent prints and negatives to Dirk when I got back from Reno.
‘I’m not lying, Emma.’ With an effort, I keep my voice calm and soft. ‘When I was married to him, he was in love with another man.’
She leans back against the booth and crosses her arms. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘I can see that.’ I take another deep breath. ‘He also drinks when he’s unhappy which is a lot because he’s having to hide?—’
‘He told me he drank when he was with you ,’ she interrupts. ‘But that was because you were hell to live with. He won’t be like that with me. I’ll make him happy!’
I close my eyes for a second. I should have guessed he’d blame me. Isn’t that the classic man’s story? She didn’t understand me but I’ll be different with you. And women fall for it all the time.
I close my shaking hands around my coffee cup. ‘You won’t, Emma. Rex will never love you as you deserve to be loved. It’s not his fault. It’s just the way he’s made?—’
‘You’re making all of this up because you’re bitter. He told me he couldn’t take it any more, that you nagged him and bossed him and made his life a misery. It won’t be like that with us.’ She blinks rapidly, which makes her look like a startled fawn. ‘He’s taking me to Italy on honeymoon. On the Queen Mary . Where did you go? A weekend in Palm Springs, was it?’
I sag back in my chair. She thinks I’m the enemy. She’ll never believe I came here as a friend. That makes me feel enormously sad.
‘Okay, so don’t believe me but just hold on a minute while I give you some advice. First, do not trust Dirk Stone. He’s a manipulative, lying scumbag who’d smile at you as he stabs you in the back.’ She opens her mouth to protest and I hold my hand up to stop her. ‘Trust me. I worked for him and I still didn’t realise until it was too late. Secondly, talk to your friends. There’s no secret you can’t share with them. I got that one wrong and it made things a whole lot harder.’ My throat clogs as I think of the weight of Rex’s secrets. I reach into my handbag and I put a business card on the table between us. ‘And if you find yourself in need a lawyer, ring this guy in Pasadena. He’ll see you right.’
It’s all I can do for her. I gather up my handbag and stand. Then I offer her my hand. She frowns but in the end, she takes it. ‘Good luck, Emma. You’re going to need it.’
She visibly scoffs at that.
The waiter arrives with her dim sum. I nod at the plate. ‘Enjoy your lunch. I’ll pick up the cheque on the way out.’
I settle up with shaking hands and step out into the sunshine. I get into the car and then rest my head against the steering wheel. I’m trembling. It feels like my girdle is the only thing holding me up. I suck in a deep breath, feel the elastic press uncomfortably on my post-baby tummy.
I tried. That’s worth something. When the gossip columns are full of rumours about the state of their marriage and their inevitable divorce, I’ll know I did my best. But she’s protected by the self-belief that’s the joy and the curse of youth. I slam my hand against the dashboard. Blast Rex for getting his lies in first! He’s spun an entirely different story of our time together and one that paints me as the wicked witch he couldn’t wait to get away from.
I sit up and let my shoulders drop. Then I put the car into reverse, exit the parking space and turn into the traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard.
Instead of heading for Glendale, I turn into Lake Hollywood Park and follow the road until I see it. I pull over on the scrubby edge of the road and climb out. High on the hill is the Hollywood sign.
I stare at it. What power it has! It called to me across the Atlantic Ocean with the promise of glamour and sophistication and I answered that call, upping sticks, leaving Blighty behind and rocking up in Hollywood.
This is the dream that still holds Emma. It’s the other reason I couldn’t reach her. You have to grow out of it yourself. No one can pull you out. In truth, that’s what Esther and Father tried to do and I fought them tooth and nail. I can’t blame Emma for doing the same.
Rex and Dirk forced me to see it for the tawdry facade it is. They tore the curtain away and revealed the grubby shenanigans that make Tinseltown tick. There’s a grief in that. It’s why I don’t come this way very often any more. But today, I want to face it. Because it’s time to let it go.
I close my eyes and I’m back in Sheffield as Freddie and I grasp palm to palm as we say, ‘Hollywood!’ I see me at twenty-one staring up at the sign with wide eyes on my first day in Los Angeles. I remember the thrill of getting the job with Dirk and believing I was finally part of the movie business. The moment on the terrace at Rex’s house when we looked at the Hollywood sign together. The premieres I attended, the incredible frocks and beautiful jewellery I wore.
I did it. I lived the dream. And it wasn’t worth a hill of beans compared to what I’ve got now as wife to Jack and mother to Ingrid.
I blow a kiss up to the sign and then I shout, ‘Cheerio!’ at the top of my voice. It stirs the hawks and they swoop in circles in the cobalt-blue sky.
I get back in my car and head for Glendale where my daughter is waiting.
* * *