Page 34 of The Lavender Bride

33

As the front door closes behind Dirk, I sit down heavily in the nearest chair. My head drops into my shaking hands. My heart is racing, there’s sweat under my arms even though my body feels entirely cold.

I didn’t think Dirk would sink that low. Making up lies about me to tell the INS. Ruining Freddie. Taking Jack’s past and turning it into something wholly different. Using fear and intimidation to make me stay in my marriage.

I leap up and pace to the window. Well, he can shove it! And Rex too! I am not going to be blackmailed into staying! If I have to go back to England then, blast it, I will! At least the British government isn’t having a witch hunt to weed out suspected Communists.

But then I’d never see Jack again. My heart plummets at the thought. I’ve only just found him; I can’t give him up.

What Dirk’s threatened is worse for him. Jack will lose his job. He’ll have to leave Hollywood. I have no idea how hard it would be for him to find work elsewhere. Would theatres hire him if he’d been blacklisted by the studios? I can’t put him that position. It’s simply not fair.

I turn and pace back to the chair. I’ll have to play ball. Stay for now and then make plans to leave and go to Mexico or somewhere Dirk and Rex will never find me.

I know Jack said he’d wait but that could take months, years even. I don’t want to wait that long. I don’t want to wait at all. I want to be with Jack, if he’ll still have me after all of the trouble I’ve brought on us both.

This is all my fault! I’ve been stupid and trusting and hopelessly na?ve. Father was right. I am a terrible judge of character. I’ve gone and dragged Jack into this because he cares about me. And he shouldn’t because I’m not worth it. I’m just as hopeless as Father always said I was. One night of love and a few kind words don’t change that. I am what I’ve always been. A useless dreamer and I’ve sleepwalked myself into this catastrophic mess.

I’ll have to telephone Jack and tell him it’s over and I cannot see him again. That’s the only thing to do. I’ll say I’ve changed my mind and I’m staying with Rex.

Even the thought of it leaves me breathless with loss. I grip the chair back to steady myself. To continue living with Rex in this soulless mausoleum? I’d rather die!

There has to be another way. I just have to think! I know all of Rex’s secrets. If I threaten to go to Hedda Hopper and Louella Parsons, would that be enough? Maybe. I don’t know.

There’s a tap on the door and Trudie enters. ‘Are you all right, ma’am?’ she asks as she picks up the coffee tray. ‘You look kinda pale.’

‘It’s nothing,’ I lie. Hastily I gather up the files from the table, press them against my churning stomach and fold my arms over them. ‘If you’ll just make me a pot of tea though, that would help.’

Trudie nods and leaves. I sit down again. Not knowing what else to do, I open the file on Freddie. I stare at each of the photographs. Now the initial shock has worn off, there’s a quiet joy in seeing his picture. He’s doing all right. He’s left the Communists but he’s still fighting for workers’ rights. He and Michael are together.

Suddenly, tears are pouring down my face. I’m crying for Freddie and all of the times I’ve missed him. For the friendship we had and lost. For the idiots we were when we last saw each other. We made it too black and white. Because he couldn’t be with me as I wanted him to be, I let him go. He walked away because I was an embarrassment in his new life. If only we’d been old enough to know there are very few friendships as deep and true as ours. That however hard it felt at that time, our lives would be better if the other one was in it.

I raise my head and wipe the teardrops from the photographs. I wish I could talk to him. I stare at the photographs as if that will magic him up and I’ll hear his voice again.

I close my eyes and try to take myself back to Sheffield. I never do this voluntarily; it only ever ambushes me when I’m upset. I grip the top of the table to steady myself and imagine our hall with the smell of pipe smoke and stewed tea. My heartbeat speeds up, the fight or flight instinct kicking in. I step out of the front door and imagine myself walking down the garden path, past the vegetable beds that filled each side during the war. My shoulders drop as I get further from the house. At the end of the path, waiting by the post box, is Freddie. He turns and grins at me. It’s the older Freddie, the one from the photographs.

‘You can’t let the bullies win,’ he says, his eyes soft with understanding. ‘You’re stronger than you know, Audrey.’

I sob and the sound shatters the image. My eyes pop open. How I’ve missed him! But I’m not alone now. I’ve got Jack in my life and Ginny knows the truth. What would they tell me to do?

I suck in a deep breath. I should tell Jack what’s happened. Then a ghastly thought hits me like a punch. What if this scares him off? I couldn’t blame him if he decides the risks are too high. We’ve barely had a chance to get to know each other. Why would he choose me when that brings with it the risk he’ll end up blacklisted?

I sit down heavily again. Is this what Dirk intends? Does he believe the threat of the HUAC will be enough? That Jack will act to protect his career and tell me, regretfully no doubt, that he cannot see me again?

I’ve not had time to think since our night together in the cabin but I know he’s important. Losing him would be like a hole opening up in my life. A hole that might just swallow me up.

If I lose Jack then I might as well go home. I’d miss Ginny and Rita dreadfully but I couldn’t stay in Hollywood. It’s not the place I thought it was. Behind the glitz and the glamour, it’s a dirty business. I’ve closed my eyes to that for a long time. But Dirk’s forced me to look at it straight.

I take a deep breath. I have to trust Jack. If he’s the man I think he is, then he’ll stand by me. If he’s not then I’m going to find out really fast. But in the long run, it’s better to know now. If I’d known how weak and selfish Rex really was then I wouldn’t have married him. Not even for a Green Card.

I check my watch. It’s twenty to five. Jack should be on his way back from the set soon. I wouldn’t normally make an international call but needs must when the devil (or in this case, Dirk) drives. I just need to make sure Mrs Seton isn’t anywhere around when he speaks to me.

Who’d have thought she was such a sneak? I shouldn’t be shocked. I’ve known these things were happening in Hollywood and yet it’s different when you’re the one who’s been betrayed. Did she take the photographs of Rex and Tony that were in Eyewitness ? Did they give her more money than she was getting from Dirk?

I go completely still as the realisation hits me. She’s not the only one with photographs! I took ones of Rex and Tony together and they’re even more incriminating. The film is still in my handbag. I’ve not had time to process it.

Trudie comes in with the tea tray. I take it out of her hands before she has a chance to set it down. ‘I’ll take this with me,’ I tell her. Then I add, ‘And take the rest of the day off.’

She rarely comes into the darkroom and never when I’m working in there but I’m not taking any chances. I need to develop these photographs and see if they’re as unequivocal as I think they are. They might just save my bacon.

* * *

I ring Jack later that evening, pouring out to him down the crackling line all that Dirk said. He’s silent for a long moment when I finish. My heart starts to thump hard and painfully. What if he doesn’t want to risk my plan not paying off? I can hardly blame him. It’s a huge gamble.

‘You’re choosing me?’ he says softly. ‘Dirk threw all of that at you and you’re still choosing me?’

‘Yes.’ I swallow hard against the dread that’s clogging my throat. ‘I want to find out where this goes.’

‘Me too.’ His words are firm and fervent. ‘I didn’t expect you to be blackmailed though.’

‘And you,’ I remind him. ‘That’s worse. You could lose your job.’

‘Not sure I want it in a town that’d do this.’ There’s a pause. I imagine him running his fingers through his hair as he does when he’s thinking. ‘I wouldn’t have let you go, you know. No matter what Dirk Stone threatened me with.’

All of the tension goes out of me in a whoosh. Abruptly, my legs feel like cotton wool. I press my hand against the table to steady myself.

‘I wouldn’t have blamed you.’ My voice is barely a whisper. ‘You can’t have expected all of this when you kissed me.’

He chuckles softly and my stomach flips. ‘No, but I’ve waited over a year for you. I’m not going to be scared off. And if your plan fails, then they make movies in England.’

My hand flies to my chest as my eyes widen. ‘You’d do that?’

‘I’m not going back to Norfolk, though. Too damned flat.’

I laugh, although tears are prickling behind my eyes. I never expected that. Logically, it’s far too soon to be making plans like this but Dirk has forced us into it. If I have to leave, I won’t go alone, and that’s far, far more than I ever hoped for.

‘Let’s hear what Dirk cooked up about me?’ he adds.

I read the list to him.

‘I’ve never hidden my anger at what the HUAC are doing,’ he says when I read the next allegation to him. ‘If that’s enough to get me a pink slip then all the decent folk in Hollywood are damned.’

He makes a few more choice remarks as the list goes on. I can hear his anger crackle down the line.

‘Well, he got that right,’ he says at the end when I mention The Weavers.

‘What’s wrong with a folk band?’

‘They’re blacklisted. Can’t perform on radio or television. They were dropped by their record company earlier this year.’

‘Blooming McCarthy has his fat fingers in everything.’

Jack chuckles. ‘Going to say that to Dirk?’

The chuckle makes fire flame in my belly. I miss him. I wish he could hug me. And do other things…

‘Maybe. He’s made me mad enough.’

‘I wish I could do this instead of you,’ Jack says softly. ‘It eats me up that I can’t be there.’

That makes my heart swell. That wish to make things easier for me. I could get used to that. But before I can have any hope of it, I have to fight this battle.

‘I can handle it. I’ve dealt with bullies before.’ My fingers knot in the telephone cord, pulling it tight. ‘He thought I was the Minister’s perfect daughter but actually, I was always the Minister’s rebellious daughter.’

Jack laughs. ‘Thank the Lord for that!’