Page 25 of The Lavender Bride

24

It’s twilight when I arrive at Lake Louise. The sky is orange and pink, streaked with skeins of grey clouds. The lake looks like a huge skating ring. Snow-covered mountains encircle it. The air smells of pine forests and woodsmoke. I long to get out my camera. Perhaps if I check in quickly, I can come back out and take some photographs.

Chateau Lake Louise towers above me. It’s very grand. A modern version of a French chateau with squat turrets at each end and in the centre and a lower wing running off to one side. The stonework is turned dusky pink by the sunset.

I shiver and tug at the edges of the fur topper. It doesn’t have buttons, having been bought for Los Angeles rather than the Rockies. Despite Ginny’s advice, I don’t think I’ve got nearly enough clothes to keep me warm.

The driver takes my cases from the boot of the car and I walk up the steps to the entrance. I feel a little sick now I’m here. What on earth am I going to say to Rex that will make any difference? The studio and Dirk have overestimated my influence. He stopped caring what I thought a long time ago.

The receptionist gives me a key to our suite. I telephoned Rex last night and told him I was coming. I have to hope he’s at least had the decency to get Tony to clear out. As the porter opens the door, I realise I’m holding my breath. I blow it out gently when I see the suite is empty.

As soon as the porter has left, I turn to the window to see the light has gone and it’s dusk outside.

In the sitting room, chintz curtains cover French windows that open onto a balcony. There are two green, velvet sofas facing each other. The furniture is teak trimmed with brass. The drinks tray doubles as a table. On it are bottles of whisky, bourbon and brandy together with siphons of tonic and soda. I get myself a soda water and sit down. The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler is on the coffee table. My jaw clenches as I pick it up. Rex doesn’t read fiction. There’s a bookmark neatly tucked into it. It’s an empty matchbook advertising The Windup Bar in Hollywood, which is a known hotspot for homosexuals.

I have a sudden urge to cry. I can see the two of them sitting together in an evening. Tony reading the book, Rex skimming through his script ready for the following day’s filming. It’s companionable, comfortable, maybe even loving.

I slam the book shut and drop it back on the table. They were here together while I was sitting alone at home with only Muffin for company. I believed him when he promised me he’d be true. How long has this been going on? Has he been with Tony for the entirety of our marriage?

I feel like a such an idiot for believing him. I married him to help and now he’s gone and dug himself into an even bigger hole that even Dirk may struggle to get him out of.

Not knowing what else to do, I unpack. I’ve got the smaller of the two bedrooms. It’s a pretty room with the same curtains as the sitting room and a queen-sized bed. The bed is piled high with blankets with a thick eiderdown on top. Just how cold does it get here at night?

After I’ve changed into a shirtwaist dress and freshened up my make-up, I decide there’s no point hiding up here. Goodness knows when my husband will return. Sitting here worrying about what I’m going to say to him isn’t going to help. Plus I’m hungry.

The dining room is filling up quickly. There are make-up girls, cameramen, the women from the wardrobe department, drivers, set makers, all sitting at the circular tables chatting about the day. I hesitate for a moment, scanning the crowd for Rex. There’s no sign of him, which is almost a relief.

To my right, a woman says, ‘What’s Rex going to do now Audrey’s here?’

My ears turn red. I swallow hard against the horrible mixture of embarrassment, rage and resentment that’s swirling around in my stomach.

Then I remember Jack saying, ‘Oh, Audrey,’ at The Biltmore and my vision blurs with tears. Of course they all know! They knew before we married. They’re his colleagues and it’s pretty clear from the photographs in Eyewitness that he’s done nothing to hide his relationship with Tony.

Should I go back upstairs? I’m sure the room service is very good in a place like this. Then a dapper man in his mid-forties stands and comes towards me. It’s Paul Williams, one of the associate producers.

‘Audrey.’ He kisses my cheek. ‘Thank you for coming.’

He guides me to a table near one of the wide picture windows. The lights from the dining room are reflected in the glass. I nod to the other people sitting there. Mrs Seton, who I met at The Cocoanut Grove and have disliked ever since; Ralph Doyle, cinematographer; Eric Schaltz, the unit man.

‘Rex is still on set. They’re shooting a night scene,’ Paul explains after a martini has been delivered to me and I’ve ordered a chicken salad to eat.

‘How is shooting going?’ I ask, fiddling with the twist of lemon that decorates my cocktail glass. This is what the producer cares about. It’s his job to keep the production on schedule and on budget.

‘Not as well as we hoped. Your husband has been…’ He pauses, looks away. ‘…distracted.’

My hands knot beneath the white linen tablecloth. Paul’s looking at me with concern. Am I supposed to play the broken-hearted spouse or does everyone know that our marriage is fake? After the comment as I came in, I’m betting on the latter.

My chin comes up. I’ve played my part. I can’t be responsible for Rex’s failure to do the same. ‘What exactly are you expecting me to do, Paul?’

‘Speak to him. Make him realise how serious the situation is.’

My breath hitches. Is that a threat? I wish Dirk was here. He’d know how to deal with this. I close my eyes for a second and try to think what my former boss would do.

‘Which is?’ I prompt.

Paul leans in and lowers his voice. ‘Obviously, if Rex’s true nature came out, the studio would have no choice but to let him go. It’d hit the schedule hard if we had to reshoot his scenes but this picture is too important to be derailed.’ He coughs at the unintended pun. ‘Discreet enquiries are being made in case we need to replace him. Gregory Peck may be available.’

My eyebrows shoot up. ‘You’d replace him?’ My voice comes out louder than I intended. A dozen heads turn towards us.

Paul gently shushes me. ‘Only if we absolutely had to.’

* * *

I’m sitting on one of the velvet sofas in our suite flipping through Vogue when Rex returns an hour later.

‘How was your flight?’ he asks as he reaches for the bottle of bourbon. He’s wearing a cream cable-knit jumper that I’d swear he didn’t own when he left home.

‘Fine.’ I put the magazine down. ‘We need to talk.’

‘Now?’ Rex frowns. ‘I’m famished.’

‘Yes, now.’ I take the page from Eyewitness from my handbag and lay it on the table next to The Long Goodbye . Rex takes a slug of bourbon and then picks up the torn page. I wait as his eyes scan the paper.

‘What’s the big deal?’ he says with a shrug, sounding like a kid who’s been caught with his hand in the sweet jar. ‘Tony and I were only having a bit of fun.’

‘It’s a big deal because it makes it clear our marriage is a lie. That I’m your fake wife. Have you thought what that will mean for me?’ My voice rises at the prospect of the humiliation if it becomes public knowledge. Louella Parsons will rip my reputation to sheds. Ginny, Rita and Esther will know I’ve lied to them. Father will believe I’ve made another colossal error because I’m such a terrible judge of character.

Rex shrugs as if none of that means anything to him. I know him well enough now to know that’s very likely the case. I take a slow steady breath to tamp down the rush of fury that’s sweeping through me. When I’m sure I can trust my voice, I add, ‘And the studio think it’s a big deal. Paul Williams had a chat with me. They’re thinking of replacing you. Gregory Peck’s available.’

Rex sits down on the sofa opposite me as if the wind’s gone out of him. ‘Peck? Hell! They can’t do that.’

At least, I’m finally getting through to him. I lean towards him over the table.

‘Whether they do is down to you, Rex. You have to give up Tony.’ I put my hand on the book. ‘I presume this is his.’

‘Yes. He’s—’ He looks away, staring at the chintz curtains. ‘That is, we’ve?—’

The evasion twists in my gut. Enough with his lies. If I don’t push for the truth, I’ll feel like I’m shrinking away to nothing.

‘Rex, I deserve the truth. What’s going on between you and Tony?’

He knocks back half of the glass of bourbon, before glancing at me and then away. ‘I love him.’

I grip the arms of my chair as suddenly, I’m tumbling back through time to that house in Camden with the smell of sour milk. Freddie loved Michael. He didn’t say it out loud but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear it. I’d been useful to Freddie and then he abandoned me when Michael came along and now Rex is doing exactly the same.

I trusted Rex because he promised he’d be faithful. I thought I’d never again feel as small and rejected as I did in that house in Camden.

I was wrong.

Inside my head, there’s an insidious voice telling me I’m not worth anything. Father knew it, Freddie saw it. Rex believes it too. The men in my life I’ve cared most about all agree that I’m hopeless and useless and not worth anything.

I shake my head, trying to chase the voice away. I can’t give into it now. Come on, Audrey. You have to fight. You can’t let Rex win.

I smooth my shaking hands over my skirts. This is such a humiliating question to have to ask. How can he put me in this position?

That brings my chin up as I say, ‘Have you and Tony been together all the way through our marriage?’

‘No! I broke it off like I told you!’ Rex gestures with his glass and slops bourbon onto the carpet. ‘But we bumped into each other when we came up here. I’ve been miserable without him. You’ve no idea what it’s like. I just couldn’t help myself when I found out he was on this shoot. It felt like it was meant to be.’

It’s a relief of sorts to know he’s not been lying for the entirety of our marriage. I do know he’s been miserable. I’ve lived with that misery for the past thirteen months.

‘He makes me happy,’ Rex adds, his thick brows lowered. ‘He’s the only person I can be myself with.’

‘We got married to protect you from stories like this and you’ve just gone and given Eyewitness an even better one. You’ve got to be more careful.’

Rex turns away from me and grabs the decanter again. ‘Fine. I’ll speak to Tony.’

There’s silence between us for a moment. My brain is wondering how the conversation went when they were reunited. Clearly, they’ve not wasted any time which is surprising seeing as Rex pretty much threw Tony under the bus before we got married.

‘I’m surprised Tony took you back,’ I say slowly. ‘Considering you let Dirk drop him and ruin his sister’s career.’

‘I didn’t!’ Rex splutters. ‘That was all Dirk. I had?—’

‘You let him do it. You forget, I was there.’ Then a thought hits me and I sit up straighter. ‘Or does Tony not know what Dirk did to Ida?’

‘He never needs to know.’ Rex’s eyes meet mine and there’s pleading in them. ‘Please, Audrey. Don’t tell him.’

The last thread that was holding me to Rex unravels. All at once, I see the excuses I’ve made for him to Ginny and Jack are utterly hollow. Because if he’ll lie to the man he loves then he’ll have no compunction in lying to me again. If I can’t trust him at all then how can we go on pretending? How can I continue to share a house with him?

I look at his face and it’s still as handsome but I can see the weakness in his jaw now, the way his eyes narrow when he’s lying to me, the cruelty in his mouth.

I have to get away from him and the bedroom opposite his is not far enough. I snatch up my handbag. ‘You are contemptible,’ I hiss at him. ‘You claim to love Tony but you’re lying to him too. That’s not love, Rex. That’s using people.’

The words crackle with truth. I can’t call them back now. I won’t. I march towards the door.

‘Audrey, you can’t walk out,’ he calls after me. ‘People will know we’ve?—’

The door bangs shut, cutting off the rest of his words. My heart is pounding, my hands shaking. But I’m not sorry. I stood up for myself and if that makes him uncomfortable then so be it.

Voices are approaching down the hotel corridor. I plaster on a smile and start to walk along the corridor towards the lift. All of the doors are closed but there may still be people in those rooms, people who just heard every word I yelled at my husband.

I shrug. What did Rex think was going to happen? Did he expect me to be happy he’s let the world see our marriage is a sham? My stomach clenches as I face the truth. Rex didn’t think about me at all. He only ever thinks about himself.

A gaggle of girls pass me. They’re all about my age, dressed in circle skirts with tight sweaters. Over the top, they all wear thick plaid shirts. I envy them their freedom, their independence. I gave all of that up when I married Rex and right now, it’s feeling like a very poor deal indeed.

I really need a drink. As I wait for the lift, I shiver again. I rub my arms. Even in my cashmere cardigan, it’s cold. I’ll have to put more layers on tomorrow.

The lift deposits me on the ground floor. The lounge is at the front of the hotel. The burgundy damask curtains are drawn; a fire burns in the grate. I ask the waiter for a brandy, then take a seat in one of the wing-backed chairs by the window. I tilt my head back and blow out a long breath.

I feel eyes on me and turn my head. Jack sits near the fire. Suddenly, my heart is in my mouth. I’ve not seen him since Ginny and Nate’s wedding but, boy, have I thought of him! I’ve imagined again and again what would have happened if we’d had the dance I promised him. If, when our bodies had been pressed together, I’d not been yanked off him by Rex.

His gaze meets mine. Behind his glasses, his grey eyes are beautiful. It’s as if the distance between us contracts, that I’m being inexorably drawn towards him. I stand and walk towards him.

‘Audrey, what are you doing here?’ he says and then laughs. ‘That’s usually your line.’

‘The studio asked me to come.’ I take a seat on the leather Chesterfield next to Jack’s seat. ‘They wanted me to speak to Rex.’

Jack nods as if it’s no surprise to him.

‘Rex didn’t manage to get you fired then?’ I ask abruptly. ‘After the wedding?’

Jack laughs a little ruefully. ‘He tried but Harry King told him I’m too valuable to lose. He knows if he lets me go, MGM or Paramount will snap me up. I’ve been promoted since then. I’m Assistant Props Master now.’

It’s said entirely as a matter of fact. I like that he knows his own worth. I wish I had that confidence. I thought marrying Rex would give it to me but it didn’t. The words of Father and Freddie still rang in my ears. If I’d known my own worth, as Jack does, would their poor opinions have slid off me like water from a mackintosh?

‘Congratulations.’ I smile at him. ‘I’m really glad you didn’t get into trouble because of me.’

He smiles back at me and that warms me more than the fire is doing. I rub my arms. ‘Why is it so cold in here?’

‘The hotel is usually closed in the winter. They’ve opened early for the shoot but they’re not really set up for it.’

I nod as understanding sinks in. ‘Hence the heaps of blankets on my bed.’

‘You’ll need them.’ Jack’s beautiful eyes meet my gaze. I don’t look away. I’ve waited a long time to see him again. ‘Did no one warn you? We were all told to pack for the Arctic.’

I shake my head. ‘Dirk failed to mention that.’ A jolt of irritation runs through me. It’s bad enough he sent me up here to confront Rex about Tony; he could have made sure I didn’t freeze as well.

The waiter brings my glass of brandy and I swirl it around the bowl-like glass. It smells sweet and nutty. I knock back half of it, the rich liquid warming my throat.

‘That bad, eh?’ Jack asks.

‘Worse.’ I hesitate. I’m so wretchedly used to secrets. They’re bread and butter to me now but why am I keeping them when everyone from the make-up girl in the dining room to Paul, the producer, knows the truth? ‘ Eyewitness has got photographs of Rex and Tony. It makes it pretty obvious our marriage is a sham. I confronted Rex about it and he told me he loves Tony.’

‘Christ, Audrey!’ Jack reaches across the space between us and takes my hand. That zip of awareness is still there but what I feel more than anything is reassurance. And it’s nice. Really nice.

I look down into my glass. ‘The studio are threatening to fire Rex if he’s not more careful.’ I drink again. The alcohol warms my throat, thawing the tightness in my chest. ‘I don’t know what to do.’ There’s a relief in saying the words out loud. ‘I honestly don’t know why I’m doing this any more. I mean, I married him to keep his secret but if he’s going to let the entire world know and damn the consequences then…’

‘What happens to you?’ Jack says softly.

‘Yes.’ I stare into the glass. ‘I feel like such an idiot. He promised me there’d not be anyone else and I trusted that.’

‘He said that?’ Jack asks quickly.

‘Yes.’ I raise my eyes to look at him and hope he can read the raw longing in them. ‘And because of that, I didn’t contact you after Ginny’s wedding, even though I wanted to. You have no idea how much I wanted to.’

‘I wanted to as well.’ He squeezes my hand. ‘But I figured it had to come from you. You’re the one with ties.’

I rub my free hand over my face. ‘I’ve made such a terrible mess of it all.’ I hear a log shift in the grate. ‘I thought friendship and respect would be enough but it was clear pretty soon after we married that the real Rex was very different to the man I’d been dating. He’s weak and selfish and sometimes mean.’

Jack tilts his head and studies my face. ‘You seem different. You’re not as wide-eyed any more.’

I laugh a little hollowly. ‘Living with Rex can do that to a girl. He’s got a talent for trampling on dreams.’

‘Then why stay?’

He’s asked me that before. I don’t have any better answer than I did last time.

‘I don’t know.’ I twist my watch around my wrist as I always do when I’m agitated. ‘I haven’t had time to?—’

I break off as I hear someone enter the room behind us. A male voice is talking about his son who’s newly back from Korea. Jack looks behind me. ‘Paul and Mrs Seton,’ he whispers.

I raise my eyes towards the ceiling. ‘Not that old busybody!’

Jack gives me a quick grin of understanding. Then he points to the door in the corner. ‘Through there is the Sun Room. Then you’re back in the lobby.’

I whisper a thank you.

He nods and then stands. I duck my head behind the back of the sofa and wait. ‘I’ve glad I’ve seen you both,’ Jack says loudly. ‘I’ve got a couple of questions about the scene we’re filming tomorrow.’

I peek around the edge of the sofa. Their backs are turned. I stand and dash as quietly as I can for the door. As I slip through it, I catch Jack looking at me over Mrs Seton’s shoulder. He winks and I stifle a laugh as I close the door.