Page 30 of The Lavender Bride

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We’re woken by a particularly persistent cockerel.

Jack grins at me. ‘Like being back on the farm,’ he says as he gets out of bed.

It’s not yet light and I have ten more luxurious minutes in the warm bed, enjoying the new and delightful sensations in my body. I get up as the light changes. It’s the peculiarly intense glow which signals there is snow on the ground. I draw the tartan curtains to see a winter wonderland outside. Snow blankets the ground, creating mysterious mounds and gullies. Pine trees, draped in white, cluster around the cabin. In the distance are the mountains, imperious in their stark beauty.

I go downstairs to the sitting room which, without a fire, is very chilly indeed. Jack is outside helping Eric and Bruce clear the snow. For a moment, I stand at the window and watch him. Even under his bulky coat, I can see the power in his muscles and the strength in his arms. Arms that held me all night.

A blush streaks up my cheeks. I press my cold hands against them. I’m going to have to do a lot better than this or the entire world will guess what happened! However much I want to shout it from the rooftops, I need to keep it quiet until I’ve spoken to Rex.

There’s a smell of frying bacon creeping into the room that’s impossible to ignore. I locate the kitchen, where the range gives off a steady heat. Anya has a frying pan on the hotplate and is beating a batter mix for pancakes. When I offer to help, she hands me an apron and sets me to frying eggs. ‘They’ll be ravenous when they come in,’ she says. ‘Shovelling snow is heavy work.’

There’s an unexpected joy in preparing food for Jack to eat. As the bacon crackles and spits, I imagine myself in a bright-yellow kitchen with Formica worktops cooking dinner for Jack. I’ll be wearing a pretty, yellow apron and he’ll kiss me as soon as he comes through the door and?—

Then I shake my head. It’s far too soon to be imagining things like that. No matter what happened last night, I’m not going to make the same mistake again. With Jack, I’m going to take things slow. Get to know him properly. Find out who he really is. Not who I imagine he is. This time, I’m going to be sensible. Dreams and fancies have only ever got me into trouble anyway.

Trouble I’ve got to face when we get back to Lake Louise. My stomach lurches at the thought.

I’ve made my decision. Now I’ve got to tell my husband.

* * *

It’s nearly one o’clock by the time we get back to Lake Louise. We had to wait for the snow plough to clear the road to Castle Junction and confirmation the highway was open.

The lake is coated in freshly fallen snow which glitters in the sunlight. The mountains feel closer, as if you could reach out and touch them.

Jack carries my parcels into the hotel for me.

‘I’ve got to get to set,’ he says as we wait by the lifts. By unspoken consent, we’re keeping our distance. ‘They’re filming a fight scene and gubbins always get broken.’

‘That’s okay.’ The urge to touch him is so strong, it makes my fingertips itch. ‘I’m going to have a bath and then wait for Rex to get back.’

Jack frowns, creating deep score marks between his eyebrows. ‘I hate you doing this.’

‘I know.’ We talked about it earlier. Jack volunteered to be with me when I told Rex, and although I’d love to have his steady, comforting presence, I got myself into this and I have to get myself out. ‘I’ll be all right.’

‘Will you ring me? After you’ve?—’

He doesn’t need to finish the sentence.

‘Of course.’ The thought of what I’ll say fills my stomach with lead.

Jack nods. ‘Okay.’ He glances around the wide reception area. There are only the girls behind the desk and they’re busy discussing something in one of the ledgers. He drops a swift kiss on my cheek, his lips warm against my chilled skin. Then he’s gone, heading towards the revolving doors that lead outside.

The lift dings as it arrives. I suck in a deep breath, hoist my parcels into my arms and step inside.

* * *

‘You’re back then,’ Rex says as he enters the suite that evening. He’s peeling off layers of clothing as he speaks. ‘Paul said there was a tree down on the road to Banff. Caused no end of trouble with the caterers as they come up every day. They had to bed down in the ballroom and then the food’s been terrible all day as they’d only got leftovers to serve up. Christ, I’m starving!’

As I listen to this, my eyebrows rise. I shouldn’t be surprised. After a year of marriage, I know Rex can bring any situation back to himself.

‘We need to talk.’ I say the words firmly but calmly which is good going as inside, I’m a mass of trepidation.

‘Not again!’ Rex rolls his eyes. ‘I need my dinner.’

‘It won’t take long.’ At least I hope it won’t. I push a packet of crisps across the coffee table towards him. ‘These should keep you going.’

He rips them open and grabs a handful which he shoves into his mouth. As he eats, I pour him a glass of bourbon. The siphon hisses as I get a glass of tonic water for me. I have to keep a clear head.

‘What is it this time then?’ Rex knocks back half of his bourbon.

I take a breath. There’s no point hedging around it. I’ve got to come straight out with it. ‘I want a divorce.’

The words land with an almost audible thud. I tense as I watch Rex’s face change. The frown deepens to a scowl. My hands tighten on the arms of my chair. I’m poised for flight if it’s needed.

‘You can’t,’ he says flatly.

Does he mean I can’t want one or I can’t have one? I decide on the former. ‘Rex, I can’t do this any longer.’ I sound enormously weary. ‘And you don’t want me around. You’ll be much happier when I’m gone. Who knows, maybe you’ll even drink less.’

‘I only drink because I’m miserable.’ He folds his arms and glowers at me. ‘You don’t know what it’s like. Having to hide who I am all the time.’

‘Then stop.’ I thought long and hard about this as I walked around the lake this afternoon. There is another option for Rex. He won’t like it. He almost undoubtedly won’t take it. It feels almost outrageous to suggest it but I’m the only person who can. Dirk and all the yes men who surround him certainly won’t.

He jerks upright and stares at me. ‘I can’t. The studio. The press. Fucking Eyewitness . They’re all out to get me.’

‘Then get out.’ I lean forward, my eyes fixed on his. ‘Leave Hollywood. You told me at Romanoff’s that you want to live in Italy. You and Tony could do that. In Italy, you could have a life together that’s not about hiding and lying all the time.’

I see Rex close down as I’m speaking. He shakes his head as if he’s trying to dislodge the words. ‘I can’t move to fucking Italy. That’s just a pipedream.’

I slump back in my seat. ‘Or you can stay in Hollywood and be forced to hide for the rest of your life.’

Rex’s brows draw together as his chin comes up. ‘That’s just the way it is for people like me. You’re just saying that so you can get a divorce?—’

‘I’m not!’ I stare at him as if that will make him hear the truth in my words. ‘It’s obvious to me that Tony makes you happy. It’s equally obvious that living without him makes you drink to forget how unhappy you are. Isn’t it worth thinking about a life where you two could be together?’

He folds his arms and turns away from me. ‘I’m not leaving Hollywood.’

‘Fine.’ I fold mine too. My stomach feels like rocks have settled in it. ‘But I’m leaving you.’

‘You can’t.’ He darts a gaze at me. ‘I need you.’

‘You need a doll you can wheel out to go to parties and premieres with you.’ I raise my hand to stop him interrupting. ‘Someone who looks the part and keeps the rumours at bay.’

He suddenly sprawls out in his chair. Due to his height, his legs almost reach mine. I hurriedly tuck my feet to the side. ‘You’ve done that all right.’ His lip curls in a sneer. ‘Shame you’re such a bitch to live with!’

The word is a slap in the face. I stiffen. It feels like all of the blood rushes from my head. I grip the seat arm and will myself not to shrink. Father made me feel small. At the end, Freddie did too. Rex has played the same game and always before it’s made me fall into line. But I’m not going to let it happen again. I deserve better. Jack’s made me see that. I deserve happiness and I’m never going to get it if I stay with Rex.

‘Then you won’t miss me when I’m gone.’ My voice shakes on the last word. ‘I don’t want anything but my freedom. I’m not asking for money. I’ll take nothing but Muffin, my clothes and the jewellery you gave me.’

‘You say that,’ Rex pushes himself up to standing and stomps across the room to the drinks tray, ‘but what wife leaves without alimony? You must think I’m a fucking fool!’

‘Money isn’t everything.’ My voice snaps with anger. ‘All I want is my freedom. If you won’t give it to me, I’ll…’ I cast around for something I can bargain with. I don’t want to destroy him. He’s weak and selfish but I won’t see him hounded out of Hollywood for loving other men. What else can I use to persuade him?

Then I remember what he said forty-eight hours ago when we last talked in this room.

‘I’ll tell Tony what you and Dirk did to ruin Ida’s career.’ I lean forward, my chin jutting. ‘How’s Tony going to feel when he finds out you helped destroy his beloved sister’s life?’

‘You fucking bitch!’ Rex spits the word across the table at me.

For a second, I quake. It’s like fighting with Father all over again. I grip the edge of the sofa and summon up Jack’s face: his quiet smile, his beautiful, grey eyes.

I swallow hard before I say, ‘It’s up to you, Rex. Let me go or the man you love finds out how low you’ll sink to protect your career.’

‘Get the hell out of here then!’ He knocks back the rest of his bourbon and stands. ‘I don’t want to see you when I get back.’

‘That’s fine.’ I stand too as I hate him looming over me. ‘I’m already packed.’

‘I’ll tell the world it’s your fault!’ he yells as he heads for the door. ‘That you’re impossible to live with. That you’re a nag who bosses me and I can’t take it any more.’

I sigh out a long breath. If that’s the price of freedom then I’ll take it. The people who matter to me won’t believe it. ‘Tell them what you like.’

‘You’ll never get another job in Hollywood. No one who’s anyone will want to know you.’

‘Rex.’ I sink back into my seat. ‘I don’t care.’

He turns to me with his hand on the door handle and then he stills. ‘Promise you won’t tell anyone.’

I sigh because it shouldn’t even be necessary to ask. ‘I’ve kept your secrets this long. I’m not going to start blabbing now.’

He nods as if that settles it and I guess it does for him. ‘We won’t meet again.’ There’s a heavy pause as if he thinks that will make me change my mind. ‘My lawyers will deal with everything.’

I feel absolutely wrung out. ‘Very well. Cheerio, Rex.’

He doesn’t reply. The door slams shut behind him. I shudder and then I burst into noisy, painful tears. I curl up on myself, hugging my middle. I wish Muffin were here, nudging me with her wet nose. I can’t wish for Jack. Not yet. First, I have to cry for the life I thought I’d lead when I married Rex. Cry for the hopeless dreamer I was when I married him.

It takes a long time. Tears are blotted by my collar, soak into my jumper. My heart aches for the mistakes I’ve made, for the broken trust, for the months of painfully empty married life.

My eyes are red raw when I finally sit up. I haul in a deep breath. It’s over. I did it. There’s a lot to sort out but at the end of it, I’ll be free to start again.

I have to ring Jack. As I pick up the receiver, I catch sight of my left hand. I tug at the wedding and engagement rings, yanking them painfully past my knuckles. My hand feels lighter as I take them off. A tiny crack of hope is let into my heart.