Page 55 of The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar
I haven’t had one-on-one therapy with Dr. Lee since before going to the hospital, but I’m actually kind of eager for it. She
gives me a surprisingly regular-sized smile when I sit on the couch across from her. Since I actually know what I want to
talk about today, I just jump into it.
“Do you think I’m capable of being in a healthy relationship?” I almost don’t want to hear the answer, but I’m also desperate
for professional confirmation.
“Are you capable of it? Of course,” she says as she writes something in her notepad. “Whether you’re ready for it is another
question entirely, and one only you can answer.”
I sigh, trying my best not to roll my eyes. “I get that you’re trying to be all cryptic and therapist-y, but can you at least
tell me how to answer the question for myself?”
Micro smile. “Healthy relationships take a lot of work, both on yourself and with your partner. If you’re willing to work
on the things that have hurt you and your partner in the past, I think that’s a great sign.”
“I am,” I reassure her. “I know it’s not gonna be a quick fix, but I want to try at least. I promised Jamal I’d live for him. That’s something, right?”
Even after knowing her all this time, the expression Dr. Lee gives at that is too micro for me to decipher. “For now, if that’s
what you need to make it to the next day, that’s a good thing.”
“What do you mean for now?” I ask. I kind of thought I had hacked the whole suicidal ideation thing with that promise. As
long as I have Jamal, I can make it another day. Why would that be only good for now?
“Well, it’s a promising first step,” she says. “I’d love to see you get to a point where it doesn’t take an external force
to give you the will to live. But like I said, for now, anything to keep you going another day is a good sign in my book.”
I frown. “You’re telling me you don’t live for any external reasons? You just live... because you want to?”
She nods. “I’m not saying life doesn’t get hard for all of us, but having to search for an external reason to live isn’t something
your average person struggles with.”
“I don’t know, that sounds fake.”
Micro smile. “What I mean to say is that life is a lot less painful when you live for the things that make you happy, instead
of living to keep someone else from grieving. When you live only to avoid the grief of people you love, you end up shouldering
all that grief on your own, mourning yourself while you’re still here.”
I can’t even respond to that. I never thought of it like that, but maybe that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been grieving the person I thought everyone wanted me to be. But when they thought I was going to die, it wasn’t that person they wanted to save, it was me .
Just me.
When I get home, I finally gather up the courage to pull up my email to delete the message that kick-started my spiraling.
I don’t mean to, but I can’t help but read it one last time.
Subject: Re: been a long time...
I know it’s taken me a long time to explain my thoughts here, and I apologize for that. I thought maybe if I gave it some
time, things would work themselves out on their own, but I guess I can’t make you change. I got your email and thought, it
better be good. But you’re both still doing what you’re doing.
I can’t lie to you. I’m very disappointed.
You and your sister have been brainwashed, and I can acknowledge that my absence in the last few years has made this harder
on all of us. But I can’t pretend to support what I know in my heart is not right.
If you only take one thing I say to heart, let it be this: It doesn’t matter what anyone has tried to convince you until now.
What you’re doing is a choice. And you’re making the wrong one. I can’t just sit around and enable my kids to choose this
lifestyle over family, and over God. You’re both throwing away my legacy and your own futures.
I won’t force you, but whatever you choose, you get to live with the consequences.
I want to delete it not just from my email but from my memory. But for some reason, I can’t bring myself to erase the evidence. Honestly, my dad is basically dead to me, but that doesn’t mean the influence he left isn’t still there.
He’s the one who showed me the poem I keep taped up in my and Yami’s bathroom. He’s the reason I’m so attached to my jaguar
necklace. The reason I feel such a strong connection to my heritage.
And even though he’s the reason those things came into my life, he doesn’t get to sour them for me now. So, instead of deleting
the email, I grab a marker, print it out, and start blacking out the words I don’t want to see.
If he can pick and choose Bible verses to live by, I can pick and choose which of his words I take to heart. I don’t have
to erase all of him, but he doesn’t get to dictate how I feel about what he left behind.
By the time I’m done, I have a new poem to go alongside the code of the heart in the bathroom. I tape it to the mirror next
to my other motto.
Subject: Re: been a long ti me...
I xxxx xxxx xxxxx xx x xxxx xxxxx xx xxxxxxx xx thought x xxxx, xxx x xxxxxxxxx xxx xxxx.
x xxxxxxx xxxxx xx x xxxx xx xxxx time , xxxxxx would xxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxx xx xxxxx xxx, xxx x xxxxx x xxxxx make xxx xxxxxx.
x xxx xxxx xxxxx xxx xxxxxxx, it better xx xxxx.
But xxxxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx.
I can’t lie to you. I’m very disappointed.
xxx xxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxxxx, xxx x xxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxx xx xxxxxxx xx xxx xxxx xxx xxxxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxx xx xxx xx xx. xxx I can’t pretend xx xxxxxxx xxxx x xxxx xx my heart is not right.
If you xxxx xxxx xxx xxxxx x xxx xx xxxxx, let it be xxxx: It xxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxx xx xxxxxxxx xxx xxxxx xxx.
xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx is a choice. And xxxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxx xxx.
I xxxxx xxxx xxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxxx xx xxxx xx choose this xxxxxxxxx xxxx family, and xxxx xxx.
xxxxxx xxxx xxxxxxxx xxxx my xxxxxx, xxx xxxx xxx future x.
I xxxxx xxxxx xxx, xxx xxxxxxxx xxx choose , xxx xxx to live xxxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxxx.