Page 42 of The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar

I ’ m about to ditch group again the next week, but this time Mami is actually paying attention when I get out of therapy. She’ll

notice if I make a run for it instead of going to the bathroom. I sigh and end up trudging along to group instead of following

Nia to freedom.

I pretend not to listen, but everyone’s giving updates from last week that I’m definitely not curious about because I definitely

don’t care about these people.

Zo’s boyfriend finally came around and had a pansexual awakening and no longer identifies as straight. Don’t care.

Aaron finally told his girlfriend he has borderline personality disorder, and she dumped him. Don’t care.

Avery thinks he might actually like someone now. Don’t. Care.

I definitely don’t care.

Then it gets to me, and I already regret mentioning having to do my senior project with The Ex because everyone wants to know how that’s going.

I try to keep it short, but as soon as I start talking, it all just kind of slips out.

I tell them about the other night, and how my sister and her girlfriend had to babysit me and the ex.

I mention the talk I had with Jamal without gendering him, and the one I had with Yami, and how I feel guilty that they both just want me to be happy, even after everything I’ve done to hurt them.

“You sure you’re over your ex, bro?” Aaron asks, and I shake my head.

“I’m not,” I admit.

“Being able to realize you still love someone, but also to admit that you’re not ready to commit to the relationship just

yet, shows some real maturity,” Dr. Lee says. And for once, I don’t despise the words coming out of her mouth. It’s the first

time I’ve felt validated in all of this.

Of course I want to be with Jamal. But what I want doesn’t matter when I’m this fucked up.

But then I realize I did commit to a relationship. With Bianca.

And dammit, I feel fucking trapped.

“So, would you get back with your ex after you get better?” Zo asks.

“No,” I say immediately. “I have a girlfriend.”

Aaron frowns. “Isn’t that kind of messed up if you still love your ex?”

“Yeah, well, I do a lot of messed-up shit,” I say. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. It is kind of fucked up.

“Do you want to break things off with your girlfriend?” Zo asks, leaning forward like they’re really interested.

“Well, yeah,” I finally admit, and I know it makes me a horrible person. I wonder if God will be disappointed in me if I break

up with Bianca. “But I feel like I’m supposed to be with her.”

“Why?” Aaron asks. “Why draw it out when your heart’s not in it?”

“God wants me to be with a girl,” I find myself saying. I feel like my filter is completely gone today.

I expect everyone to react to the news that I’m queer, but the only reaction I get is that Dr. Lee gives a little micro frown,

and Zo looks like they just ate a bitter lemon.

“That’s bullshit,” they say.

“Agreed,” echoes Avery.

I snap my head toward him. “Don’t be a fucking hypocrite, aren’t you straight now too for the same exact reason?”

Avery opens his mouth like he has something to say but only croaks a little.

“God isn’t even real,” Aaron adds. “Who cares what sky daddy thinks?”

I glare at him next. “He’s real.”

“Okay,” Dr. Lee interjects. “We’re not here to invalidate anyone’s belief system or sexuality. Why don’t we use ‘I’ statements

instead of blanket statements?”

“Fine, I don’t believe in God,” Aaron says.

“Well, I do,” I shoot back, my hand automatically reaching for the cross necklace that’s no longer around my neck. Right. I took it

off a long time ago. I shake my head. “I know He’s real. I’ve talked to Him.”

Zo puts a hand on my shoulder, and I flinch. They’re so touchy with everyone, but this is the first time they’ve tried it

with me.

“What?” I snap at them.

“Sorry, it’s just... I can relate. I believe in God too, but when I’m manic, sometimes I have delusions about Him. It’s a complicated relationship since I can’t always trust my feelings, you know?”

“I’m not delusional,” I say quickly, though I can’t help but remember Abuela telling me that exact same thing. But they’re

both wrong. “I’m not fucking crazy. I’m chosen,” I say, ignoring the fact that, yeah, I sound kind of crazy. But who cares? None of them would get it.

I have a special relationship with God now. I messed up by blaming it on “mania” or whatever before. Just because I had a

crash doesn’t mean I can’t believe what I saw and heard before that.

That conversation I had in Abuela’s bathroom with God was real . And now I’ve done the work. I can be patient. I’ll wait for His sign, and then I’ll get to go straight to heaven.

“I just have to walk the path God laid out for me, and everything will be fine,” I say.

Just then, Avery stands up abruptly and speed-walks out of the room.

I stop talking then, watching him leave. Was it something I said?

I look down at my feet, where Avery’s water bottle is sitting, since he gave it to me. Maybe he needs it right now. I let

out a sigh since I might have been a little harsh on him. “I’ll go check on him.”

I follow Avery out to the hallway, but since I don’t see him there, I go to check the bathroom next.

As soon as I open the door, I can hear him hyperventilating in one of the stalls. I walk in front of the stall and roll the

water bottle underneath, just like Jamal did for me all those weeks ago.

Avery doesn’t reject it like I did, though. I just hear him opening the bottle and splashing some water on his face.

“Thanks,” he croaks.

“What happened?” I ask.

He’s quiet for a while. “Um, religion is kind of a trigger topic for me, I guess.”

“Oh...” For a second, I almost apologize, but instead I just ask, “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Then after a moment, the stall door opens, and he comes out to meet me. “You know, we have to stop meeting like this.”

He grins.

Is he... flirting with me?

At that, I can’t help the burst of anger that rushes through me. I almost forgot who Avery was to me. “Don’t fucking do that,”

I snap.

His smile drops. “I was just joking.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not funny. You used to beat the shit out of me for being queer and now you think you can just casually make

jokes about it? Fuck you.”

“I never actually hit you,” he says, as if that makes it any better.

“Oh, thank you so much for holding me down while your friends beat the shit out of me, my mistake.” I turn to walk out, but he puts a hand on my

shoulder.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” he says softly. “I know that doesn’t fix what I did, but I’m still sorry. You don’t have to forgive

me.”

I let out a heavy breath. If I hadn’t already forgiven him, I doubt I’d be here trying to help him out of a panic attack.

My feelings about Avery are complicated.

I guess I don’t know who he is anymore. He used to be a bully for sure, but now?

We’re both in treatment, and he’s got PTSD from religious trauma, and he knows how to help me out of a panic attack. ...

“Why’d you do it?” I finally ask. It still doesn’t make any sense. Avery doesn’t even act like he likes Nick, but he still

follows him around and does everything the guy says.

Avery lets out an unsteady breath. “I guess you do deserve to know... but you can’t tell anyone,” he says, crossing his

arms like he’s giving himself a hug.

“Okay,” I say tentatively, no idea what to expect.

He leans his back against the bathroom wall and slides to the floor. I sit across from him with my own back leaning against

the divider between two stalls.

“I’ve known Nick since we were little because our parents go to the same church. It didn’t used to be as bad before, but he’s

always kind of been... well, you know how he is.”

I nod, but don’t say anything.

“I didn’t even realize I was gay yet when Nick figured it out. He knew my parents would lose their shit so he promised he

wouldn’t say anything. But after that he just kind of held it over my head whenever he wanted something. We were twelve then.”

“So he blackmailed you?”

Avery nods. “I basically became Nick’s fall guy. At first it wasn’t so bad, I’d just do his homework for him and stuff, but

every time I did something for him, he’d test the limits even more.”

“Like how?” I don’t really know why I’m asking. I guess I want to know what kind of stuff Nick needs people to do for him.

Maybe it’s something to use against him later, I don’t know.

“Like shoplifting, slashing people’s tires he didn’t like, stuff that’s like, against the law. I did whatever he wanted for almost a year before I got sick of it. I went to confession and told the priest everything. I don’t know why I thought he’d be able to fix any of it.”

I have a hard time responding. Maybe I should tell him I did the same thing. That this all started for me with a similar confession

to a priest. But instead I just nod so he knows I’m still listening, and he keeps going.

“Anyway, the priest told my parents, and they sent me to conversion therapy. It, uh... didn’t work. In case you haven’t

figured that out. But I pretended like it did.”

That part has me a little annoyed. Avery said he went to conversion therapy when he was thirteen, but he still follows Nick

around everywhere. I bet if Nick asked him to hold me down while he kicked my ass today, Avery would do it. “If Nick thought

you were straight after that, why do you still do what he says? Why are you still scared of him?”

Avery leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he prepares for whatever he’s

about to say. “Like I said, I did a lot of illegal shit for him. He can basically get me sent to jail any time he wants. And

after that party, he almost did.”

I glance down at Avery’s ankle, now free from the monitor, and remember Nick’s injury. Ever since the party where Nick and

Bianca broke up, he’s been wearing that boot.

“What happened?”