Page 18 of The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar

“If you had to battle any cryptid, assuming the terrain isn’t deadly for either of you, which cryptid would you pick?”

“Can it be a battle of wits?” I ask. “Because in the ring is one thing, but put me in a battle of wits against Bigfoot, I

got that in the bag.”

Jamal’s eyes widen. “Trust me, you do not want to challenge a sasquatch to a battle of wits. I don’t care if you’re Albert Einstein, those things are scary smart.”

Part of me wants to ask about it, because I’m sure Jamal has a wealth of Bigfoot knowledge about Bigfoot knowledge ready to go. I keep my question to myself, though, since his hypothetical came first. I take another shot before giving my answer another go.

“Okay, then I’ll go with a regular battle against a jackalope. They’re a little too cute to hurt, but I feel like I could

scare it away before it came to that.”

Jamal nods his approval. “I’d pick the Loveland frogman. It’d probably take one good punch to his soft belly for him to throw

up.”

I’m about to ask what the hell the Loveland frogman is when the door to the yard opens, and I feel like I’m gonna throw up.

I figured Bianca knew whose party we were at since she liked my story, but I didn’t think she was obsessed enough to leave

her date and bring Nick here.

He stumbles in with one hand around Bianca’s waist until he gets to Avery and them, who’ve made their way inside by now. He

practically pushes Bianca away to say hi way too loudly and give them all handshake hugs. I don’t know what the nature of

their date was, but they’re both clearly already drunk.

My eyes dart to Yami, who hasn’t seemed to notice them just yet, but Bianca is already scanning the room. Unfortunately, she

spots me before she finds my sister and eagerly makes her way to me and Jamal, officially making it impossible to avoid Nick.

He grins when he sees where she’s headed and follows her with the rest of them.

Jamal hops down from the counter and stands next to me defensively, but Bianca seems completely oblivious to the tension.

“Hey, Cesar!” she says cheerfully as Nick crosses his arms with a smirk. “Where’s Ya—”

“What’s up, joto?” Nick taunts without letting her finish. She frowns but doesn’t say anything. I’m about to punch Nick when Jamal puts a protective arm in front of my chest.

“Leave him alone, Nick.” His voice is low and firm. It’d be hot, honestly, if I wasn’t so heated myself.

Nick stumbles forward and grabs the shot glass out of my hand, spilling most of it before downing what’s left. He’s clearly

way drunker than I am, but hopefully not for long.

“He’s not worth it, Cesar,” Jamal says under his breath, a steadying hand on my tense shoulder. If it wasn’t for Jamal right

now, I’d have already clocked Nick in his annoying chin three times over.

Before Nick has a chance to do anything, Yami and Bo have already pushed their way in between Nick and me, both of them pointedly

ignoring Bianca. I want to shove past Yami and deck the dude, but one look at Jamal’s concerned face, and I know I have to

resist the urge. He’s worried about me again. It takes everything in me to get the angry fireball inside to simmer down.

Nick laughs. “Aw, you got your sister to protect you?”

“Will you shut the fuck up?” Bianca finally bursts out, surprising everyone.

I don’t know if a face can physically get redder than Nick’s right now.

“You don’t talk to me like that.” He says it more like a threat than anything, but she doesn’t seem fazed.

“What, like how you talk to literally everyone all the time?”

Jamal and Yami take the opportunity to pull me away from the kitchen while Nick and Bianca start full-on screaming at each

other in front of everyone. Even Nick’s friends eventually leave them to their fight.

“You okay?” Yami asks, and I nod. I know she’s actually asking if I want to leave.

“Are you?” I glance at Bianca, who’s screaming so hard her neck veins are popping out. Yami just laughs.

“Actually, it’s kind of amazing seeing her this mad.”

By now, Nick is storming outside, followed by his friends, while Bianca raises both middle fingers in the air shouting how

they’re over.

Jamal looks down at my fists, which are clenched so hard I might break them. I know what he wants to do. When we were together

and I was this stressed, he’d take one of my clenched fists and coax it open until he could slip his hand inside.

“Squeeze all you want,” he’d say.

When I notice his fingers twitch as he looks at my fists, I can’t handle it. I turn around and rush past him, past Yami and

Bo, and past the crowd. I run until I find the bathroom and shut myself inside.

I’m not even that drunk yet, but I feel like I’m flying, and not in a good way. It’s like when you get on a plane and it’s

all shaky before landing and you’re afraid everyone’s going to crash and die. I feel my heart pounding against my ears, which

makes the room spin even more than it already was. I press my back up against the bathroom wall and slide down to the floor,

hugging my knees and taking deep breaths. Am I having a panic attack or something?

After a while, there’s a knock on the door, and it just makes it harder to breathe.

“Is anyone in here?” It’s Jamal.

I let out another breath, trying to tame whatever outburst might be trying to force its way up. I can’t tell what’s going on inside me right now. Is this anger? Anxiety? Fear? Excitement? Whatever it is, it’s hard to get it to shut up.

There’s another knock.

“Is that you, Cesar?” Jamal’s voice again. Shit. He must have seen me come in here.

“It’s unlocked,” I say back, putting my head between my knees. The door opens, and Jamal comes inside, closing it behind him.

Without a word, he sits right across from me, waiting. I don’t realize I’m hyperventilating until I hear his voice again.

“Breathe, Cesar. Can I touch you?” he asks, and I nod without lifting my head from between my knees. He puts a hand on my

calf, rubbing his thumb gently against my jeans. “You’re safe, okay? Me, Yami, and Bo are here. Nick already left. No one’s

gonna hurt you, okay?”

That’s when I lift my head to look at him. “You think I’m scared?”

Jamal shrugs. “You’re not?”

“Pfft. I’m not scared of Nick.”

He raises an eyebrow, and he doesn’t have to say what I already know he’s thinking: Then why did you come hide in the bathroom?

And part of me wants to tell him exactly why, but the problem is I don’t know. I don’t know why I ran in here. I don’t know why I’ve been getting so damn angry lately or why I haven’t been

able to control myself or why I’ve had so much fucking energy after not sleeping at all . All I know is... I don’t want it to stop. And that kind of scares the shit out of me.

“What?” I finally answer his nonverbal question, pretending I don’t know what he wants to ask.

“Question,” he says without taking his eyes off mine. I just nod for him to go on. “Do you want me to leave?” he asks, and I’m about to answer no when the door swings open, and Bianca stands on the other side of it, holding a bottle of tequila.

Fuck.

I hop to my feet so fast I probably hyperextended something.

“Oh... am I... interrupting something?” she asks, looking at us all judgy.

No. Fuck, this is not happening right now. If Bianca outed Yami, she’d definitely do the same to me. Sure, Nick and his friends

knew about me, but they didn’t really go around gossiping about it. It’s not that Jamal and I were doing anything in here

anyway, but I definitely can’t let her think that.

“Nope!” I say as casually as I can muster.

“I was having a panic attack, and Cesar came to calm me down,” Jamal lies, thank God. A panic attack is a good reason to be

locked in a bathroom with your strictly platonic best friend, right? “I’m just gonna... ,” Jamal starts as he slides past

Bianca and out the door.

“Do you need the bathroom?” I ask.

“I mean... not really. I was just...” Bianca’s playing with her hair as she talks, and she’s not making eye contact.

She looks like she might have just been drunk crying.

“You okay?” I ask, even though the last thing I should care about is whether or not Bianca is okay. She sits down next to

me and hands me the bottle, which I gladly take a few generous swigs from before handing it back.

“I’m fine. I’m just so mad !”

“Yeah, breakups are rough,” I say with a nod, relating to her more than I’d like. “Fuck Nick.”

“Yeah, I’ll pass.” She laughs for a second before going back to looking sad. “But no, it’s not about him actually.”

“What is it, then?” I ask, stupidly.

She pauses for a second. “Why is Yami still mad at me? Like, I just chewed Nick out in front of his friends for her!”

“Wow,” I say under my breath, trying to ignore the implication that I had nothing to do with that whole scene. “So, you brought

your boyfriend who you know used to jump me to a party you knew I was at just so you could talk to my sister? And when shit almost popped off you only stepped in so you’d look good...

to my sister?”

I expect her to roll her eyes and defend herself, but she just sighs and gulps down some more tequila. “I guess I didn’t really

think it through.”

She hands me back the bottle, and I take it. For some reason, that response makes me soften up. I’m no better than Bianca

when it comes to being impulsive and hurting other people. I’ve been hurting everyone around me basically every move I make.

They’d all be so much better without me. Maybe me and Bianca are more alike than I thought.

The only person who seems to get any kind of enrichment from my existence is Nick. Specifically, when he’s beating the shit

out of me. I take another swallow from the bottle before looking back at Bianca.

“Do you think Yami really loved me? You know, like that?” Bianca looks sad as she says it.

“I mean, why wouldn’t she?” I ask, my words blurring together.

I meant it more like, why would Yami lie about that, but Bianca gets all smiley like I just gave her a compliment. She grins

and takes my hand. “Come on, let’s go.”

She pulls me to my feet and out the door, and I let her. We go out to the living room, where Bianca picks up a red cup from

the coffee table, which she apparently abandoned for the tequila bottle we forgot in the bathroom. She’s about to put the

cup to her mouth when I stop her.

“Don’t drink that,” I say, coaxing it away from her lips.

Her eyes widen. “Do you think someone put something in it?”

“No way to know, but better safe than sorry.” Bo’s parents drilled into me and Yami the rules of party going. Don’t leave

your drink unattended, and don’t drink something that you haven’t had your eyes on, etc. etc. “Let’s just make a new drink.”

She nods and pulls me along to the kitchen, where she grabs another bottle of tequila and takes a few swigs straight from

the bottle, then hands it to me. I shrug and gulp down a swallow or two. Bianca gets out her phone to take a selfie with me

and the bottle. I look around anxiously. If Yami sees a picture of me with Bianca, she’ll be pissed. But... maybe that’s

not a bad thing. Maybe she needs a reality check about me. That I’m not just some innocent little kicked puppy that needs

taking care of all the time. Maybe she needs to see me for who I am.

I kiss the bottle for the camera, and Bianca kisses the other side of it, so the bottle is the only thing between our lips.

A guilty chill runs down my spine, but I ignore it.

Next, she pulls me back to the living room where people are dancing and Jamal is standing alone in a corner. He sees me and lights up, then sees Bianca and pushes his glasses up his nose like he does when he’s trying to figure something out.

Bianca wraps her arms around my neck and closes the space between us. Before I know it, our hips are pressed together, and

she’s grinding them to the music.

“What are you—”

She interrupts me with a kiss. It catches me so off guard that I don’t stop her right away. When I finally pull away, I see

Jamal standing across the room with an unreadable expression.

No matter what I do, Jamal and Yami and even my mom keep getting hurt, but they still can’t stop with all the babying. Jamal

and Yami haven’t even been having fun at this party. And Dr. Lee was right. I don’t like it because I don’t deserve it. Even when I tried to deserve it, all I did was mess shit up, so what’s the point? If there’s no hiding that I’m

a shit person, I might as well make it more obvious so everyone can stop fooling themselves.

Then there’s Nick. He’d probably beat the shit out of me if he knew about this, but he’d do that anyway. At least this way

I can hurt him back.

Bianca grabs my chin and pulls my face back toward hers so we’re eye to eye. And that’s when I know what I have to do.

I lean forward and kiss her again.