Page 53 of The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar
I don’t know what I was expecting coming to school the next week, but I could really do without the stares and sympathetic
looks. With what happened at the lake being all over the news, I don’t think there’s a single person in the halls who doesn’t
whisper about it when I pass them.
I get some acknowledging nods, and one person I never interacted with even congratulated me on Nick’s arrest. For the most
part, though, it’s just inaudible murmurs. I’m kind of wishing I had showed up to school late, just so I wouldn’t have to
deal with the excruciating downtime before class.
Relief washes over me when it’s finally a familiar face approaching.
“You’re back!” Avery says with a smile. Despite his friendly tone, the dark circles under his eyes and the way he’s shifting
his weight say he’s seriously stressed out.
“You good?” I ask, not bothering with the awkward small talk.
“I mean, we don’t have to go there. You’re probably more stressed about it than I am.”
“About what?” Honestly, I’ve been too busy having emotional breakthroughs left and right to remember what I’m supposed to be stressed about.
“The trial? Are you not freaking out?”
Oh. That. “Not really,” I say. I hadn’t really thought about it, but I don’t think I can handle putting myself through something
like that right now. “I’m probably not gonna testify.”
“I get it.” Avery nods his understanding. Knowing how against snitching Avery is, I would have expected him to say the same
thing, but instead he says, “Don’t worry, though. I got you.”
“What do you mean?” Is Avery actually planning on testifying against Nick?
“I still have that lawyer helping me. He thinks I might be able to clear my record if I tell my story now that Nick’s on trial
for attempted murder.” He shifts his weight again. “I get why you don’t want to testify, but maybe think about it?”
On instinct, I want to get defensive about the insinuation I haven’t thought about it, even though it’s true. I’ve definitely
been avoiding thinking about Nick after what happened. If I don’t see him for the rest of my life it’d be too soon. So testifying
against him in a courtroom he’s physically in isn’t exactly on my to do list.
“I won’t do it.” This time, it’s more than a vague “probably not.” I’m sure.
“Yeah, I mean, that’s fair.” Avery doesn’t try to convince me, which I appreciate. I think he gets it, since it’s taken him
this long to decide to speak out against Nick himself.
The bell rings then, and we both go our separate ways to class.
In astronomy, Jamal and I get to partner up to work on our senior projects. When I go to sit next to him, his eyes immediately find the jaguar necklace around my neck. He smiles, cracking his swollen lip even more.
“You haven’t worn that in a while,” he points out.
“Yeah, well, I think I’m ready to face my fears,” I say, looking up at him, taking in his bruised face. I did that. Maybe
not directly, but it was my fault.
All I want to do is lean forward and touch his swollen cheek with the tips of my fingers. I want to kiss his bruised eye and
busted lips until they heal. I want to do this, in front of everyone.
“So, I’m having another stupid thing next weekend. Want to come?” he asks.
My ears burn at the memory of me ditching the first open mic Jamal was hosting. “It’s not a stupid thing. I shouldn’t have
said that. I’m really sorry.” Shit, apologizing never gets easier, does it?
“I forgive you,” he says, and I know he’s not just talking about me calling his open mic a stupid thing. He’s talking about
all of it. Somehow, he forgives me for all of it.
Whether I deserve his love or not, I have it. And no matter how much I hate myself, I love Jamal more.
“I’ll be there,” I say. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Unfortunately, people haven’t seemed to get the gossiping out of their systems by the end of the day. I guess several students
attempting to murder another student is more interesting a topic than the usual who’s hooking up or fighting with who.
I just ignore the stares and start looking for Bianca. While I’m still on my apology spree, I might as well give one more. I find her in the courtyard. She folds her arms and frowns at me.
“I owe you an apology,” I say, determined to bang them all out.
“Damn right you do,” she starts, but when I get closer, her eyes widen when she sees the bruises on my face. “Nick really
did that?” she asks, the steam from her anger evaporating into thin air.
I just get on with it, ignoring the question. “I owe you an apology because you were right. I used you too.”
“Well, yeah, I thought we were both kind of doing that.” I figured Bianca knew we were using each other after our last conversation,
but I didn’t realize how little it seemed to matter to her. “Why are you bringing it up now?”
“I just thought you should know I didn’t love you like that. I know you probably didn’t love me either, but I’m in love with
someone else,” I say, and I see Jamal from across the courtyard heading in our direction. He looks at me like he knows what
I’m about to say. I touch the jaguar necklace for strength. “I’m in love with a guy,” I say, not caring who might hear. “And
I’m learning to love myself, and that means taking accountability. I hope you can get there someday too.”
Her face scrunches like she’s offended. “Don’t talk like you know me like that.”
“No, but Yami did. You act like she’s the one in the wrong for walking away, without asking yourself why she’d want to do
that. I might not know you like that, but Yami knew you better than anyone, and she left. Maybe ask yourself why.”
She opens her mouth like she’s about to go off, but nothing comes out. Instead she just turns around and quickly walks away. I can admit that wasn’t the most successful apology, but at least I said something.
Jamal’s still walking toward me, close enough now to have heard all of that. I turn toward him to meet him halfway.
“Need a ride?” he asks with a smile.
“I’d like that.”