Page 44 of The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar
When Friday rolls around, Bianca drives me home from school like she normally does, but this time we’re tense. She’s going
to Nick’s party tonight, and I know I’m the one who said I didn’t want to go, but a party seems like the perfect place to
be right now. Especially if I get to confront Nick.
“Will you do me a favor?” she asks shyly. At first I’m surprised she’s not trying to address Nick’s claims about them having
sex, but then again, why would she? She can clearly tell I’m not pressed about it either way, so bringing it up would just
shed light on how little I care. That would kind of fuck with her whole needing-to-be-liked complex. Somehow, it’s a relief
that we’re so deep in these mind games that she won’t call me out about it.
“Uh, depends what kind of favor,” I say without looking up from my phone.
“Can you tell Yami to unblock my number? I wanna talk to her.”
“I’ve told you that I’m not getting in the middle of that.”
“You’re already in the middle of it. You’re my boyfriend and her brother. You couldn’t stay out of it if you tried.”
“If you miss her so bad, why’d you out her?” I accuse.
“I only told Chachi and Stefani!” Bianca looks taken aback, like she’s surprised I’m standing up for my sister. I guess no
one’s ever called her out on her shit before.
“It wasn’t your secret to tell. You shouldn’t have told anyone!” I say, feeling that familiar twinge of anger bubbling up
in my chest again.
“They deserved to know! What if she never told them? Friends aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other, but she lied
to us for years !”
Angry, manic laughter spills out of me. “Oh my god, you are not fucking serious right now!” I laugh harder, and she just stares
at me.
“You’re acting crazy,” she says.
“And you’re acting like a bitch. Have fun at Nick’s party,” I say as I grab the door handle and see myself out of her car,
shutting it behind me before she can respond.
She rolls down her window. “I will! Maybe I’ll sleep with him again!”
I turn around and flip her off. I mean, I never succeeded at having feelings for her, so I don’t really care that she slept
with Nick, but it does surprise me. “Why are you even dating me then? What’s the point?” I ask, stepping closer to her driver’s
side window.
She’s quiet for a moment before answering. “Don’t act like you don’t already know. I’m doing the same thing as you,” she finally
says.
“I’m not acting like anything. What are we doing here exactly? What is the point?”
“I wanted to hurt Yami back, okay? I wanted to make her feel the way she made me feel when she dropped me out of her life!” She’s yelling now, face red and eyes welling up.
“Fuck you!” I say, hypocritically. She’s right that I’m no better, since we both did this to hurt my sister. Yami doesn’t
deserve that, from either of us. “We’re done.”
“Yeah, no shit,” Bianca says, backing the car away and driving off. I flip her off again before storming inside, and she returns
the favor.
Mami’s working overtime today, and Yami’s staying the night at Bo’s, so I’m home alone for a few hours. I’m itching to do
something with myself, but I have no idea what. Despite just having a fight with Bianca, I’m starting to get that euphoric
feeling I got a while back, where everything feels just a little better than usual. Like I’m getting a glimpse of what heaven
might be like. I lie back in my bed and smile, thanking God for giving me this little teaser.
His signal is coming tonight, I can feel it.
I jump out of bed and rush over to my desk, pulling out my notebook and a pen and getting to work right away. It’s been so
long since I’ve written in here, and I don’t know where the urge comes from, but I need to write this down. Need to show the
world what this calling from God looks like and how I plan on answering it when He tells me it’s time.
I write about this little glimpse of heaven. About how before God gave me this glimpse, everything was uninteresting. Life
before being chosen was boring and miserable. The colors were dull, the food bland. Even my bed feels more comfortable than
before, the blankets silkier and the pillows softer.
I write about how I’m finally going to give everyone what they want from me.
I’m going to end it, and then I’ll finally go home. I can finally be happy.
After I’ve filled pages upon pages of my notebook, I rip them out and lay the papers face up on the kitchen table. This is
the world’s most beautiful suicide note. It’s the perfect gift to leave behind. They’ll all have to realize this is what’s
best.
Now all that’s left to do is wait for God’s signal.
I leave my note for Yami and Mami to find, then rummage through the recycling bin, grabbing an empty water bottle. I take
it to my mom’s room and raid her secret liquor cabinet. If Bianca gets to have fun and get drunk tonight, so do I.
I grab a bottle of vodka and fill the water bottle to its brim before putting the glass bottle back in the cabinet. I don’t
even care if Mami notices the missing liquor. What’s she going to do? Ground me? Send me to Abuela’s? I’ll be long gone before
she has a chance.
I smile down at my phone. Nick posted the party’s address on his Instagram stories like a dumbass. I pull up the address on
my GPS and start walking. The sun’s already been down for who knows how long. I must have lost track of time writing. It’s
a miracle I got out before Mami got home from working overtime.
It’s only about a fifteen-minute walk, and when I get into the neighborhood, I realize I’ve been here before, many times.
It’s a neighborhood surrounding a man-made lake. The lake right at the edge of Jamal’s street. How could I forget they lived
on the same block?
Resist temptation, I hear God say in my ear.
I almost fall on my ass when a truck honks loudly as it passes way too fast and way too close. I recognize the truck as one
of Nick’s friends’, since it’s not the first time I’ve almost been run over by it.
Bummer. That could have been a relatively easy way to go, but I guess I have to wait a little longer.
I make my way to the lake, and the water glistens against the moonlight so beautifully I completely forget about the truck
and the party. I walk toward the lake and sit down at the edge, sticking my feet in the murky water.
Eventually my phone rings, and I look at it to see Mami’s calling. I ignore it. She probably just got home way too late and
saw my suicide note. I’m sure she’s confused and wants to know where I am, but if I tell her, she’ll just make me come back.
I can’t do that. Tonight is too special to waste at home.
About ten minutes and a few more missed calls later, it’s Jamal who’s calling me.
Him, I answer right away.
“Jamal, I’m gonna do it,” I say.
“Do what?” He sounds worried. “Cesar, tell me you’re safe.”
“Be happy,” I answer. “For you. I’m gonna do it for you.”
“Where are you?” he asks, but my attention is drawn away by the sound of a few loud drunks who I’d love to get my fists on.
“You looking for a fight, Flores, you got one!” Nick calls out as he and his friends march up to me. Nick’s friend must have
told him he saw me here. Good.
“Cesar? Who’s that?” Jamal asks frantically. “Are you okay?”
“I gotta go.” I hang up, then stand to face them.
“Nick, calm down,” Avery says, catching his breath as he jogs up behind the rest of the guys.
“Nah, he needs an ass whooping to set him straight,” Nick says with a grin as he takes a step closer, but Avery runs in between
me and Nick and holds his arms out to separate us. Why is he defending me? Maybe he just doesn’t want to get in a fight since
it would break his probation.
“It’s not worth it, bro. Let’s just go back,” Avery says.
“No, let him come,” I say as I take another step closer.
“Get out of my way or I’ll beat your ass too,” Nick threatens. Avery looks back and forth from me to Nick with fear in his
eyes. He knows Nick is serious.
For the first time in all the fights I’ve had with Nick, Avery doesn’t hold me down. This time, he runs away.
I look down at Nick’s foot to see he’s finally free of the boot. There’s nothing holding him back anymore.
That’s my signal.
I look the guys up and down. Five of them, and one of me. They could kill me if they wanted to.
I think about all the saints who were stoned or beaten to death. It’s a noble way to go. A godly departure from this world.
I smile, and rush toward them.