Page 28 of The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar

When we get back to Abuela’s house, I head straight to the bedroom.

“Ah-ah-ah, where do you think you’re going?” Abuela says before I even make it to the hallway.

“Um, to the room?” I’m really not in the mood to be around people. Back home, I’d just hide myself in my room whenever I was

in one of these moods. Apparently, that’s not a thing you can do in this house, though.

“No, you’re not. You still have homework and chores to do.”

“Well, then I have to pee,” I say, trying a different approach. I can’t just go straight into doing my homework right now.

I need some kind of alone time, even if it’s just a few minutes in the bathroom.

She squints at me like she knows I’m lying but doesn’t stop me.

As I head over to the bathroom, I can hear Moni asking about game night again.

She wants to play games tonight since she’s going to visit her dad for the weekend.

Apparently she’s still in too much trouble to move back home just yet, but at least her dad still wants to see her.

I’m definitely not looking forward to being here alone, but I’ll deal with that when I get there. For now, I lock myself in

the bathroom. I don’t have my usual eye drops to keep my eyes from looking red, so when I see myself in the mirror, I’m taken

aback a little. I look like I’m either tired as hell or stoned out of my mind. I guess it makes sense since I haven’t slept

much the last couple of days, even in class. But apparently all the energy I’ve been having isn’t translating to my baggy,

bloodshot eyes.

I go to the end of the bathroom farthest from the door and sit on the ground with my back against the wall. My mind starts

to fog a bit like it does when my body desperately needs to rest but my brain doesn’t want to.

I clasp my hands together and close my eyes to focus. I got a little bit out of my after-school prayer routine when I first

got here since I was in between schools, but I’m starting to get back to it.

“Thank you for answering my prayers and sending me Bianca,” I whisper. And yeah, it feels gross to be thanking God for Bianca

of all people after what she did to Yami, but she truly is the answer to my prayers. Besides, Father John did always say God

works in mysterious ways.

Before I can finish praying, the whole room gets all wavy and reflective, like it’s a mirror I could slip through at any moment.

The lights in the bathroom flood the room in white, and I can’t see a thing. It’s like I’m staring right at the sun. No, more

like an eclipse, because there’s something standing in front of the bright light. Some one .

It almost feels like a mirage, but I don’t have to chase it anymore.

I’m right here.

He’s right here.

I squint and use my hand as a visor. This can’t be happening. But it is . “...God?”

“I am here, my son.” His full voice bellows around the room, probably echoing throughout the entire house.

“What are you doing here?” My eyes widen despite the brightness. I’m really talking to God right now. And he’s talking back!

“Hear my message,” he says. “You are meant for more than this.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“You are meant to join me. To come home.”

“I know that,” I say. “That’s why I’ve been wanting to...” I trail off.

“When the time to act is right, I will call you to come home.”

My eyes start to water. He wants me in heaven. He wants me there. That’s where I’m meant to be, not this hell on earth.

I just have to wait for God to call on me.

“Cesar!” Moni calls out, banging on the bathroom door, which jolts me awake. “You okay in there?”

I have no idea how long I fell asleep for, but it must have been long enough for Moni to worry, because she’s banging really

hard.

“Do I need to knock down that door?” Abuela yells after not even that long of me not answering.

“Abuela, no! I’ll do it!” Moni says, probably worried Abuela would break a shoulder or something.

“I’m okay,” I call out groggily as I crawl up from the floor and use the toilet to help me to my feet.

When I open the door, they both stare at me with wide eyes like something’s incredibly wrong, but I can’t for the life of

me figure out what.

“What happened to your face?” Moni asks, and Abuela grabs my cheeks with her hands, inspecting it. “Te caíste?”

I pull away and look at myself in the mirror to find tile marks from the bathroom floor on my cheeks. Shit. How long have

I been in here?

“No, I didn’t fall. Unless you count falling asleep, I guess.”

Abuela’s eyebrows furrow together, but she doesn’t comment on it all concerned like Mami would have. At least, like Mami would

have before she disowned me.

“What are you going to do then? Do you need to go to sleep for the night?” Abuela asks, and I’m surprised she’s actually giving

me a choice.

“I’ll... go get started on my homework?” I say, both because I don’t want to make the wrong choice, and because going to

bed now would be the most boring move. I just saw God . I’m not about to waste any time sleeping.

And even though I haven’t slept properly in days, I still have enough energy to speed through my homework without a hitch.

Rover homework is so much easier than Slayton’s, even if I’m taking the same classes.

I spend the entire time looking for some kind of sign that the conversation I had with God was real, and not just a dream,

but so far there’s nothing.

Once Moni and I are finished with our homework and chores, and we’ve all had dinner, Abuela pulls out a game of Scrabble.

“Game night?” Moni squeals.

“Game night.” Abuela grins.

I feel like I’m both hypervigilant and extra out of it at the same time somehow. Like, things are happening around me, and

I’m responding on autopilot, barely taking in what’s going on. But at the same time, I’m noticing all the things I normally

wouldn’t catch. There’s gotta be a sign somewhere. I find myself hyper-focusing on all the words everyone spells, thinking

one of them might mean something.

I spend most of the game only finding small words with not a lot of points. I’m losing pretty bad, but I do my best to ignore

Moni’s trash talk. She gets a triple-letter score with her next word, which makes her laugh all evil. “HAhahaha! You both

might as well just give up now! I basically already won.”

Not if God has anything to do with it, I think to myself, fully confident He’ll help me out.

“What are you talking about?” Moni raises an eyebrow.

Did I say that out loud? Whatever, it’s the truth. Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Don’t be jealous. Just watch.”

“Happily.” She laughs back. She probably thinks I’m joking, but she’ll see.

Abuela, on the other hand, isn’t laughing, not that she ever does. She just looks at me like she’s solving a puzzle, but I’m the one who’s going to solve this shit.

I put my hands together and close my eyes, shooting a small prayer up to the heavens before I cross myself and pick up a new

letter.

God, help me now if you really meant what you said earlier.

And, holy shit, He does.

And, the word. That word is a sign if I’ve ever seen one. I spell out WEEKEND on the board on a space that gives me three

times the points for the entire word.

Weekend.

Sunday is on the weekend.

Church is on Sunday.

Sunday is the Lord’s day.

God is definitely sending me a message right now. He chose me. I feel like the world is opening up to me to reveal heaven

itself. That’s where I’m headed. I can’t wait for God to call me there.

I mean, I can wait. I can be patient. But it better not take too long....

Just then, the doorbell rings. Moni’s dad must be here to take her home for the weekend. I’m expecting her to jump for joy

and run to the door, but she frowns.

“Do I have to go?” she whines. Why the hell wouldn’t she want to leave? All we’ve been doing here is homework and chores. “You guys

are so much more fun than my dad.”

“At least your dad still wants to see you,” I mumble, but Moni doesn’t seem to hear me.

Abuela does, though, and she looks at me all sad. “I’m sorry about your papi, mijo.”

“I wasn’t talking about him... ,” I say, and she just looks at me all sad like she isn’t fully aware my mom hates me too

now.

Before she can answer, Moni rushes into a hug with Abuela.

Apparently, there are some exceptions to Moni not liking hugs.

She’s acting like they’ll never see each other again even though it’ll only be a weekend.

She then comes over to me, and I almost think she’ll give me a hug too, but she offers me her usual high five instead.

“Bye, Lareina!” she says as she bends down and kisses Lareina on the head before waving at us all again and heading out the

door.

I start to walk to the bedroom when Abuela stops me with a soft hand on my shoulder.

“Sit with me, mijo,” she says before going to sit down on the couch and patting the spot next to her. Lareina hops up into

her lap.

“Okay?” I say, taking the patted spot.

“What were you saying about God earlier?” she asks.

“Nothing,” I say. Suddenly I feel like I’m being interrogated. “You wouldn’t get it.” God chose me . She wouldn’t understand what that’s like.

“I think you’d be surprised,” she says. “Do you talk to God often?”

I shrug my shoulders. “I can’t blame you for being jealous.”

She chuckles. “I talk to Him too, mijo.”

“Really?” I ask. Did God choose her too? No, no. That wouldn’t make any sense. God doesn’t choose just anyone. I’m special.

I have to be, otherwise none of it makes sense.

“I do, but only when I’m manic.” She says the word “manic” like it’s totally normal, not something crazy people experience,

or something to be ashamed about. It makes me sympathize with her, even if we’re not in the same situation.

“It’s not like I’m manic, though,” I say.

Abuela nods. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell when you are. Sometimes it—”

“I’m not crazy, Abuela.”

She winces at the word. “Are you calling your abuela crazy?”

“I... no?”

“Then you’re not crazy either,” she says, giving Lareina a few gentle strokes.

“I’m not... I’m not like you, though.”

“I believe we’re more alike than you think.” She offers me a smile, but I don’t return it.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” My ears burn at the idea. She’s wrong.

“I might not, but I think Dr. Lee knows enough about this to make a proper assessment.”

“How do you know what Dr. Lee said?” I snap back.

“Your mami told me, mijo.”

“How does Mami know? Why does she care ?” I demand. She disowned me, why is she still in my business?

“Cesar, you know that your therapist has to tell your guardian about your diagnosis, right?”

That fucking bitch. “She said whatever I told her was confidential!”

“She’s not going to tell anyone what you said, but she has to tell her about your diagnosis.”

Anger boils all the blood in my body. How could she betray me like that? I knew I shouldn’t have trusted Dr. Lee. As far as

I know, Moni’s dad could be personally paying Dr. Lee to prescribe something to brainwash me. But I’m not falling for it.

“My point is, mijo, it’s important to recognize when you’re going through these episodes so you can regulate them.”

“I’m not having an episode,” I say sharply.

She nods. “I see. Just know that when and if you do have one, you’re not the only one, okay? This is an illness that affects

a lot of people, including me.”

Whatever she says, she just doesn’t get it. What I’m going through is divine intervention, not mania. I would think that someone

who raised my religious-ass mother might understand that much, but apparently not.

“Can I go to bed now?”

“Haven’t been sleeping well, right?” she asks, and I clench my jaw. “Of course. Get some rest, mijo.”

So I leave for the bedroom and crawl into bed, unable to get Abuela’s words out of my head.

I believe we’re more alike than you think.