Page 47 of The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar
It isn’t until the next night that I’m cleared to leave the regular hospital and go to the mental one. I walk like a zombie
as I’m led down the hall by a staff member, trying my best to ignore the pain brought on by the movement. It’s only around
ten, but everyone besides the staff is already asleep or pretending to be.
“Here’s your bed,” the lady says as she leads me into a room, gesturing to one of two uncomfortable-looking cots. The other
one has a big blanket lump on it, which may or may not have a human underneath. Whoever’s bed that is must have brought their
own blanket or had someone else bring it, because the one on my cot is abysmally thin in comparison.
Another staff member walks past the door, and the lady helping me leans out to talk to him. “One of the phones is missing.
Keep an eye out on your rounds.”
I kind of surprise myself at how annoyed I am by that. If someone’s hogging one of the phones, it’ll be that much harder to
get a call in. I didn’t realize I even wanted to talk to anyone until the option was harder to grasp.
The woman turns back to me and starts giving me the rundown of what to expect, but I’m in way too much pain right now to be bothered to listen.
Besides, I’ve been here before, so I don’t really need to be briefed.
The pain in my ribs reminds me why I’m here in the first place.
God gave me the sign I’d been waiting for this whole time.
I was supposed to end things, and I failed.
Not only that, but I brought Jamal and Avery into it.
When I finally get left alone, I make my way to the cot and ease myself to sit at the edge. I’m about to brace myself to lie
down when I notice something peeking out from the edge of my roommate’s blanket lump.
Looks like the phone hoarder is in the room.
When the staff inevitably finds it or it gets returned, I just know they’re gonna start cracking down on phone use because
of this. So I decide to seize the opportunity while it’s here. I creep toward the other bed and gently ease the phone out
from under the blankets.
Not even a stir.
Relieved, I go back to my own bed and dial the first number that comes to mind. My stomach sinks further down with every ring.
All two of them.
“Hello?” Jamal finally answers, but it takes me a few seconds before I can bring myself to say anything back.
“...Aren’t you scared?” I finally whisper, gripping the phone tight.
“Cesar? What are you talking about?”
“It’s me, yeah....” For some reason, hearing Jamal’s voice makes my own words that much harder to get out. I try to bring myself to speak, but all that leaves my mouth is one shaky breath after another.
“Nick and his friends already got arrested. They can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe now.” Jamal’s voice is comforting, even
if the words make no difference.
“No, not that,” I say. “I mean, I’m pretty sure we’re both going to hell... aren’t you scared?”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Jamal answers. I don’t know how he manages to disagree without ever sounding argumentative.
“Why?” I ask.
“Okay, so...” He pauses for a moment, and I can so clearly picture him adjusting his glasses as he tries to figure out
how to say what he’s thinking. “From what I’ve heard, God is everywhere, all the time, right? Like, an intrinsic part of every
aspect of life as we know it. There’s no beginning and no end to his existence? So, if you think about it, isn’t God just...
the universe? Is the universe really that rigid about who we happen to fuck or fall in love with?”
“No,” I say, almost defensively. “God is God. He created the universe. There are rules.”
“Like the rules of science, right?” Jamal asks.
“I meant more like sins and virtues. Rules we have to choose to follow. Science is just the observation of things, so everything
is science. It wasn’t created, science is just... there.”
“So, no beginning and no end...?” I can almost hear his little smile in his tone, and I know what he’s getting at before
he says it. “Just an intrinsic part of existence as we know it. It’s in everything, everywhere, all the time, kind of like
the universe, right? Kind of like God?”
“No, not like that.” I find myself laughing, despite my frustration. I miss talking with him like this. “You can’t just go around saying random things are God. God is different.”
“I don’t know, I feel like everything is holy in a way. Aren’t we all just an extension of the universe, or God, or whatever
created us?”
My frustration dwindles to nothing as I realize how much sense it makes that Jamal would think like that. He’s a really sentimental
guy, and he appreciates everything in life, even when the good things are damn near impossible to find behind all the utter
shit. Even if Jamal did believe in God, I doubt he’d worship out of fear the way I do.
It makes me think of the two necklaces I used to wear. If the jaguar represents facing fears, then does the cross represent
everything I’m afraid of?
“My point is, we’re both sinners,” I say, trying to bring it back to my original question. “Aren’t you afraid of going to
hell after we die?”
Jamal’s quiet again for a bit. “Well, however it happened, you and I both exist now. Whether that’s because of the universe,
or science, or God, or something else, it doesn’t matter. We’re here. You’re here....” His voice catches at that part, and I can hear him trying to rein himself in. “Maybe God exists, and maybe he
doesn’t, and no one will ever know with absolute certainty. But what I do know is that you exist, Cesar. I thought we were going to lose you, but you’re still here. And I need you to know that your life is just as
holy and precious as any god.”
Even though I can’t agree, I know he’s not telling me he worships me like a god.
He’s saying he sees me as an integral part of his universe.
And I can’t help but feel the same way about him.
Maybe he is right, in a way. Maybe there is something holy about being completely intertwined with everything and everyone surrounding you.
Maybe there is something holy about loving every part of someone else, even, and especially, the parts made just like you.