Page 82 of The First Cut

She swallows. “I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a wife. I grew up with all the advantages that other kids didn’t have. I could have gone to college on my parents’ dime, maybe worked with kids or animals, or something else equally fulfilling. And maybe if things had been different, I would have.”

“Different how? Your parents didn’t approve of teachers or vets?” I joke.

“My mom disapproved of Havoc. She gave me an ultimatum, and I chose him. She would be so smug right now if she knew how things turned out.”

“She sounds like a fucking delight.”

“I guess looking back as an adult, I can understand where she was coming from. Imagine Millie coming to you and telling you she was in love with a biker and was going to marry him one day.”

I freeze at her words. The prospect of Millie dating never even crossed my mind. She’s just a fucking kid.

“Of course, nobody can reason with a teenage girl in love. Havoc was my everything, and like hell was I going to listen to my mom, of all people, talk to me about love. Not when my parents’ relationship had been as fucked-up as it was. But if I knew then what I know now, I’d have listened. I’d have cried my heartbreak into my pillow and moved on like most teenagers do.”

“That’s harsh for both of you. I get it didn’t end the way you wanted, but you had to have good times too, right? Regrets are overrated, Lola. You wouldn’t be you if you hadn’t loved Havoc.”

She shakes her head. “This version of me is a mess, Hannibal. You didn’t meet the me I was before—” She breathes before continuing. “Before Havoc. Now I’m just a poor man’s version of the girl I used to be.”

I turn the heat off and stalk around the island toward her. Once I’m in touching distance, I slide my hand into her hair and tip her head back before I lean over her, our noses touching. I keep my voice low, conscious that we’re not alone.

“I wouldn’t have looked twice at the girl you were before. Okay, that’s a lie. I would’ve been happy to bend you over the nearest flat surface and fuck you blind. But that would've been all I’d been willing to give you—a cumshot and cab fare home.I don’t want the girl who had stars in her eyes. I want one with shadows that haunt her.”

I lean down and kiss her lips softly before pulling back. “I’m not an easy man to love. A girl with stars in her eyes would've run?—”

She covers my lips with her fingers. “She’d have stayed until the stars dimmed.” She slides her hand to cup my cheek. “Maybe that was always my destiny—to be someone’s plaything to be toyed with and then disgraced.”

“Maybe you needed Havoc to break you so I could rearrange your parts and put you back together in a way that fits my fucked-up ideal. My perfectly imperfect old lady.”

I kiss her again, only this time, she’s the one sliding her hands into my hair and gripping me tightly. It’s only the sound of footsteps on the stairs that has me pulling away. I kiss the tip of her nose, making her smile.

“And so the cockblocking begins,” I grumble and move back around the island to hide my rock-hard dick. I’d rather not traumatize my kid any more than she has been.

I return to the pan of food and turn the heat back on before throwing in some extra ingredients.

“Hey, hungry?” Lola asks.

I lift my head, my eyes clashing with ones just like mine as I take in the daughter I never wanted. I wait for some cosmic feeling to hit me, some instinct to kick in, but I’m still as fucked-up as I was five minutes ago.

“Um…sure,” she answers Lola softly, hesitating for a moment before she walks to the island and takes one of the empty seats, leaving a space between them.

“Anything you don’t eat? I don’t want to kill you when I only just got you,” I grunt.

Her eyes widen in surprise. I hear Lola sigh but keep my eyes on Millie.

“What Hannibal's trying to ask you is if you’re allergic to any kind of food. I’d like to say his social skills improve the more time you spend with him, but I don’t want to lie to you.”

I turn to glare at Lola. “There's nothing wrong with my social skills.”

“Of course, there isn’t.” She smiles sweetly. I narrow my eyes at her.

“I’m the president of the Raven Souls MC. People like me. I’m friendly—” I groan and shake my head. “Lola’s right. Lying is bad. Don’t do that,” I tell Millie, who I can see is fighting a smile. When she sees me looking, she wipes her expression clean.

“I’m an asshole,” I tell her. Now, she looks uncomfortable, but I push on. She needs to know exactly who I am. “I didn’t stay away from you because of anything you did. I stayed away because I didn’t want to fuck you up. Shit, I probably shouldn’t swear in front of you. Balls. Anyway, I’m never going to be the cool, fun dad. I have zero fucking clue what I’m doing.”

“Obviously,” Millie mutters.

“I’m not asking for miracles. I know I’ll never be half the parent your mom was. If I could bring her back for you, Millie, I would. But life’s one big fucking rollercoaster that won’t stop just so we can get off when it gets too fucking much for us. What I can promise is that I’ll keep you safe. I’ll kill anyone who even thinks about laying a finger on you.”

“What about a boyfriend?”