Page 40 of The Fight For Survival

Shuttingmyselfinsidemybedroom, I sit on the bed, not wasting any time ripping open my letter.

My Sweet sweet Mia,

How you don't know how sorry I am to be leaving you like this. After giving yourself to me so beautifully and sharing our love, it is much harder to leave you behind. I need to tell you some things about myself that you won't like, but it will help you to understand why I need to leave.

I read through the story of the first time Kane's Father hit him. My sobs intensified as I read that he has lived with constant abuse his whole life. If Cade's letter revealed worse than this, I don't think I want to know what that is.

So you see? I can't stay here, and I can't take you with me. I'm fucked up, Mia, and I refuse to have you around that. I don't think I will ever be okay, but imagining that you are happy and living the life you deserve will help me sleep at night. So please live, baby. Live for the both of us.

I will always love you in this life and the next.

Yours always,

Kane

With tears too hard to tame, I let them run down my cheeks as I pick up my phone from the nightstand. I dial Kane's number hoping that he will pick up, but also terrified that he will. It rings four times before I hear, "Mia?" I close my eyes and bite my lip to try to stop the sob that wants to break free. "Kane," I whimper.

There's a sharp inhale and then silence. I can hear his breathing down the phone, so I know he is still there, but he doesn't seem to know what to say. After a minute, he speaks. "You read your letter," not a question. My cry breaks free uncontrolled and painful. "I'm sorry, Kane. I hate that we couldn't help you." I hear his sigh, "Mia, please don't cry. I can't comfort you from here, and it's killing me." I sniff and whisper, "it hurts."

Kane makes a painful groan down the phone, and I can almost hear his tight grip on it. "Don't hurt for me, baby. I survived. It took a long time to come to terms with accepting that I was a victim and I'm a survivor.I survived,"he emphasizes like he is still trying to convince himself of that. "You are, Kane," I tell him gently. "Come home," I beg, the painful tug on my heart calling to him. "One day, baby. Let me work on myself first. I want to be deserving of your love, and at this moment, I'm not."

How could he think that? I know that fighting him on it won't do us any good, so for now, I hold on to the hope that he will come back to us someday soon.

I'm lying in bed on my side, Kane's letter clutched to my chest when I feel Cade get into bed beside me. He scoots up behind me and puts an arm around my waist. His silent way of telling me he is there when I'm ready to talk. The pain of Kane's departure is fresh. As if we have just discovered that he left. My chest is heavy, and my stomach is in knots. "We missed it," I whisper after a little while. I squeeze my eyes shut, tears falling silently. "How did we miss it?" I ask.

"Because he made sure of it, Mia. I went through all the same emotions you are going through now. I blamed myself for not seeing it. Kane is clever, and we were kids. It's time to stop blaming and to start healing, baby. Kane is seeking therapy now. He will learn to love himself, and hopefully, in time, let us love him too."

I turn around in his arms and press my lips to his. It's a light kiss, a sorrowful kiss. I pull away and rest my head on his chest, closing my eyes. The weight of the day drags me into a night of sleep with images of sad blue eyes.

Pulling the covers over my head, I try to block everything out—December 15th. My heart lurches inside my chest, the pain a constant reminder of my loss. I feel a tugging on my blanket. "Baby, please, you need to eat something," Cade pleads, grief in his voice. I wish I could be stronger. Get up, get dressed, and act like it's any other day, but it isn't. And I can't.

Turning on my side, facing away from him, I let the tears silently fall. My grief, a waterfall.

"I'll be here if you need me," he sighs. I hear the door open. "I miss him too," Cade whispers, a tremble in his voice causing me to squeeze my eyes closed.

Once the bedroom door closed, I let out the sob I was holding in. It hurts so much.

My beautiful baby boy would be five today.

I imagine a boy with his dad's bright blue eyes. His dark hair with my waves and pouty lips. He's running around with his dog in our big backyard. Because, of course, we would get him a dog to play with. I imagine Cade watching his every move, the protector as always. For some reason, Braylon and Damon join the perfect picture. They stand by the barbecue, laughing together while waiting for the food to cook. Arms wrap around me. Kane.

"Are you happy, baby?

"Perfectly."

Reality returns as the image fades away, causing another heart-wrenching sob to escape. I was devastated when Kane left, then six weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Of course, I was terrified, but I was also elated. I would always have a part of Kane with me.

His exit crushed me, but the loss of our sonkilledme. And I know that no matter how much time goes by. It is something I will never get over.

Cade

"Howisshe?"Zoeasks over the phone while I pace the living room floor. "Not good. She doesn't want me near her. She won't eat. I can't get through to her," I punch the wall in frustration. Grief. Hopelessness.

I hiss, shaking out my hand. Holding the phone between my shoulder and ear, I go to the kitchen, running the tap to clean the blood off.

"Cade! What happened?" Zoe panics.

"I'm fine," I growl. "I've got to go." hanging up on her, I pocket my phone and rest my hands on the counter, head hung low.