Page 37 of The Fight For Survival

Closer.

"Why?"

"Because I fucking love you!"

Stopping directly in front of him, I stare wide-eyed, mouth gaping. He loves me? As in a friend kind of love? Brother? I know none of those are correct because the way he is hungrily looking at my mouth tells me all I need to know. Cadelovesme.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask. You know. Just in case I'm reading him wrong.

"Come on, Kane, surely you picked up the signs that I was in love with you." I shake my head and put my hands up, trying to stop him from talking. If I hear anymore, I will have to face my feelings for him, and I'm not ready for that. He carries on anyway. "I'm not hiding it anymore, Kane. When you left, you ripped my fucking heart out." His voice hitches, and he rubs his hands through his hair. "Even before Mia, I think I loved you."

Part of me is elated that he feels something for me, but the part that tells me I'm disgusting for wanting another man wins.

"Cade, you're just confused. You can't feel that way about me." He looks at me with a tortured expression. "You think I like it? I fucking hate that I can't get you out of my head. When I'm with Mia, it's better, but there is still always this hole that you left in my fucking chest," he hits his chest with a fist.

I want to tell him I feel the same because fuck, I would be lying if I said I didn't, but I know I can't have those feelings for another man, not after what I went through most of my life. I feel like I'm only attracted to him because those monsters made me like that, and I feel sick that I am reminded of that every time I look at Cade.

"No, man, those feelings aren't real. We were just kids, Cade. It was just a childhood crush."

Cade Throws his hands in the air. "Yeah? Then why the hell haven't these feelings gone then? Why have they only intensified since seeing you again?" He asks with tears in his eyes that just about break me.

"I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you," I lie, turning my back on him. Looking at him just hurts. "Go back home to Mia and just forget about your feelings.Please." I hope he believes me and leaves because my heart feels like it's about to crumble. I hear Cade sigh, and I turn to see him running his hands down his face. I look him in the eyes. What a mistake that was.

His eyes reveal so much in this moment. Sorrow, empathy, understanding but most of all, his love for me. I can see it as clear as day. He really does love me. Before I know what's happening, I'm moving toward him. It's like my feet have a mind of their own. Cade looks at me with his brows furrowed.

I pull him into a bone-crushing hug, burying my face in his neck. Cade responds to the hug by pulling me further into him. He runs his hand underneath my t-shirt, touching my bare back. I shiver in response.

Shit, I'm getting hard, and by the sudden stillness of Cade, he notices. Cade starts kissing my neck, and at first, I stiffen with fear, but then a new sensation forms, a good one. I feel warm and safe in his arms. I didn't think it was possible ever to feel safe in another man's arms, not after my past. But then I realize I have always felt safe and whole when I've been around him. We hugged all the time as kids. I slept beside him at night. Cade never triggered me.

I pull my head back and look Cade in the eyes. His pupils are dilated, hiding the chocolate brown, and desire is written all over his face. And for the first time in my life, I didn't feel scared or dirty for wanting another man. Because it's Cade, my best friend and the only man I will ever love.

I hesitantly bring my mouth to his, and when that happens, it's like I've finally come home. Cade groans and pulls me further into him, and his tongue seeks entrance into my mouth. I allow it, and I massage mine with his. His lips are soft but firm and demanding. Kissing Cade isn't like kissing Mia. Mia is delicate in my arms. Her lips are soft and sweet. Her tongue a gentle caress. Cade's lips are firm, the stubble reminding me that he isn't a woman. His tongue is possessive like he wants to own every inch of my mouth.

Cade's kiss isn't any better or worse than Mia's. Just different. When we pull away, we are both breathing heavily. "What the fuck just happened?" Cade asks in shock, face flushed, eyes glazed. "I have no idea," I tell him. Because that's the truth, it was like this force pulled me to him, and I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.

I try to shake myself from the lust-induced haze I find myself in and take a step away from him. Now that the inferno in my blood is simmering down, I tense slightly. What the hell did I just do?

Cade notices the change, and his face pales. "Fuck, Kane, please tell me that I didn't just trigger you?" His concern stops my thoughts from spiraling, and I shake my head, clearing my throat. "No. You didn't," My brows furrow, confused that I am okay. "I'm not sure I can go any further than that, though," I tell him, causing his mouth to turn down.

"I unders-"

"Not without therapy," I rush out while brave enough to.

Cade's eyes snap to mine. Hopefulness shines in them.

"You're going to go to therapy?"

"I'm going to try. But while I fix myself, I have to stay here to do it. I can't come home until I feel worthy of you both."

"Youareworthy," Cade insists, walking toward me. I take a step back, determined to get my point across. "You might think that, and damn, it might be true. But until I see that and feel it for myself, I need to stay here and work on it alone. I'm not running, Cade. I promise you that." Cade's smile is understanding.

"Fine, but Kane. No more secrets between us, okay? Secrets are painful. They hurt us, they bleed us, and they break us. We need to break the cycle." Stepping into me, he pulls me into his chest. "Break it with me." I kiss him deeply, giving myself one more treat before pulling away. I nod my head in agreement. Before Cade leaves, I ask, "did Mia read her letter?" Cade looks away and winces. "I snatched it before she could."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think she could handle what was in it." I stare at him and then snort. "You think I wrote the same thing in hers?" His frowns.

"You didn't?"