Page 111 of The Business of Love Box Set 1: Books 1 - 4

HAILEY

T he turkey sub my sister had brought home from her shift at the bakery was delicious.

She’d opted for Dijon mustard, my current obsession, and loaded it up with pickles, spicy bell peppers, and avocado.

It was a messy feast and sauce dripped out of the bottom of the sandwich as I crammed it into my mouth to try to fill the void in my gut.

I knew it wasn’t food related. It was Jackson related. But I was grasping at straws here, and emotional eating had always been a loyal crutch for me.

I’d polished off the sandwich and accompanying broccoli and cheese soup by later that evening when Hannah came home. She knocked before she cracked open the door and poked her head in.

Her eyes darted around the place and landed on me. “Is it safe for me to come in?”

I wiped my lips with my napkin and tossed it in the bakery bag, along with the rest of my garbage from the meal. While Hannah took off her shoes and shrugged out of her sweater, I slumped back in the sofa cushions and stared at my now full and firm belly.

“He hates me,” I said.

Hannah left her purse on the kitchen island and came to join me on the sofa. “Jackson doesn’t hate you. He never could. He’s too good for that.” She reached over and put her hand on my thigh. “But I understand if you hate me.”

I blinked at my sister. “Why would I hate you?”

She scoffed. “Oh, come on now. I blew it. If I hadn’t walked in here like an ass talking out of my mouth about your pregnancy cravings, this never would have happened and things would have gone differently with Jackson.”

She wasn’t wrong. But I didn’t blame her for how it had all come out. She hadn’t intentionally told him my secret. It was just bad timing.

“I’m not upset with you,” I said.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

My sister’s shoulders slumped and she threw her head back to look at the ceiling. “Oh thank God! I was worried. I feel so bad.”

“Don’t. I fucked it up all on my own.”

Hannah pursed her lips and sighed. “What did he come here for anyway?”

My throat immediately felt tight as emotions gripped me once more.

I gave my head a shake and cleared my throat.

I didn’t want to cry again. I’d spent the half hour following Jackson’s departure sitting on the kitchen floor with my back against the cupboards sobbing my heart out.

Now I was spent. I had no energy left for more tears.

“He came to tell me he wanted to try with us.”

Hannah’s eyes widened. “Seriously? Just like that?”

“Just like that. He said he was sorry that he never acknowledged that things were different after we hooked up the first time. And he said he wanted to go for it with me.”

“Holy shit. What did you say?”

I licked my lips. “I didn’t get a chance to say anything before… well, you know.”

Hannah groaned. “Before I came in and blurted out that you were pregnant?”

I winced. “Yeah. But seriously. Don’t think anything of it. Shit happens. Jackson and I are perfect examples of bad timing.”

“You can say that again.”

I let out a long-winded, self-pitying sigh. “Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I go and break my best friend’s heart. What’s wrong with me, Hannah?”

“Nothing is wrong with you. You’re in a tight spot. Everything is unknown right now. Jackson will understand that. I’m sure he needs some time to process, too.”

Hannah didn’t understand.

She spent the next fifteen minutes trying to cheer me up but none of her wise-ass jokes lifted my spirits at all.

My mind was constantly pulled back to Jackson and the look on his face when he left.

I’d never seen that expression on him before.

He truly looked shattered. Like he was made of glass and I’d blown all his pieces apart with a baseball bat.

I felt like that was what I’d done, too.

Talk about worst friend of the year award.

“Where do you think he’s staying tonight?” Hannah asked after she made herself comfortable under a fluffy white blanket and propped herself up against a plethora of throw pillows. “And how long is he in town?”

“He didn’t say.” I shrugged. “I suppose he’s staying in a hotel?”

“That’s a shame.”

“Should I go after him?”

Hannah’s lips pressed into a thin line.

I frowned. “Is that a no?”

My sister picked at a loose thread on the edge of the blanket. “I don’t want to give you bad advice.”

“Then just tell me what you would do.”

“I would…” She trailed off and I had the sense she was trying to think of the right thing to say and the right way to say it.

“I would take some time to get my head on straight so I could make a clear decision on what I wanted to do next without leaping into something I don’t actually want. Does that make sense?”

“I think so.”

How long was I supposed to take? That was the question.

This constant back and forth of trying to decide what I wanted was going to be the death of me.

On Monday, I was going to return to the Nashville office for work.

How was I supposed to handle any of my calls and do my job when my head and heart wouldn’t be in it?

Should I confide in Azira?

Or would it be best to keep this all to myself until, as Hannah said, I knew what I wanted?

What if you never know what you want? What if you don’t make a decision and you just let time pass you by, and the next thing you know, you’re a terrible mother and your child is unhappy and you’re living the exact life you always feared you would have?

Hannah tucked the blanket under her thighs and feet to turn herself into a little blanket burrito.

“This is a big deal, Hailey. There is no requirement on how much time you need to take. You’ll know when you feel ready to move forward with whatever decision you’ve made.

And regardless of what it is, you know I’ll have your back.

But you’re right to be unsure and frightened.

You just can’t let that paralyze you. At the end of the day, you have to make a decision, and that’s when you should talk to Jackson. ”

I fidgeted with my thumbs. “Shouldn’t I ask him what he wants?”

Hannah shrugged. “It’s up to you. But at the end of the day, you have to want this, Hailey.

What if things end badly between you two?

What if he bows out? What if a year down the road when there are dirty diapers and bottles overflowing in the sink, he realizes he doesn’t want this?

I’m not trying to be a downer. I’m just saying.

You have to consider how everything will change and if you can handle this alone if you have to. ”

I gnawed on the inside of my cheek like it was a chew toy.

I’d never been one of those women who dreamed of motherhood.

I never wanted the car seats in the back of my pearl-white SUV or the closet in a nursery filled with tiny clothes and shoes and boxes of diapers.

I never dreamed about telling my family I was pregnant.

I never fantasized about what it might be like to look down into the face of a child that was my own.

Never.

In fact, I was the polar opposite.

I was the girl at baby showers who got bored within the first forty-five minutes.

I was also the girl who never wanted to hold the baby.

I got a lot of flack for that kind of stuff but I couldn’t help it.

I hadn’t grown up around kids. I had an older sister and we had no younger cousins.

All of my friends were the younger siblings too, or they were only children.

My exposure to kids was slim to none. Even being around Vanessa and her new little babe made me uneasy.

And all of a sudden, I was growing one of said babes in my tummy.

The thought made me feel like an alien.

“Hailey?”

I looked up at my sister and blinked to clear my foggy thoughts. “Sorry. I zoned out.”

“It’s okay. I feel like I need you to hear this.”

“What?”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to go through with this. It’s okay if you don’t want it or you aren’t ready. I mean it. Nobody else has to live with this choice but you. Don’t let anyone else’s opinions or needs or wants impact your decision. Okay?”

My sister’s words came from a place of love.

I knew this was my choice. And a few days ago, the idea of ending this pregnancy seemed like the safest option.

It seemed like the route with the most certainty and the least amount of obstacles.

My life would be able to stay the same. I could keep working.

I could fight to be the career woman I saw my future self as and I wouldn’t be slowed down by a family.

But now?

Well, things had changed. Seeing Jackson’s eyes light up for that brief second when he first found out I was pregnant had lit something in me, too. A beacon of hope and joy and the promise of a future I never knew I wanted but suddenly felt like I needed.

There was magic inside me.

I massaged my temples. “It’s not supposed to be this hard.”

“Not for everyone. And you know what? It might not be this hard if things were different between you and Jackson.”

“Different how?”

Hannah shimmied in her seat to wiggle her butt deeper into the cushions.

“Well, you and Jackson have never looked each other in the eye and said out loud what you wanted or needed from the other person. You’ve both been so content to let things go.

To let time pass you by without defining what you are to each other. ”

I forced myself to stop chewing on my now raw cheek. “And?”

“You can change that. But you have to put it all on the line.” Hannah sat up straighter and gripped the top of her blanket. “And before you do, you have to make a decision about this baby.”