Page 20 of The Alien Who Saved Christmas

O come let us not cook her,

O come let us not grill her,

O come let us not bake her,

Humans can’t be food!

From “O Come All Ye Space Cannibals”

A Christmas Carol for Non-Earthlings by Sadie Malone

“A woman?” Elf scoffed. “I heard that rumor circulating yesterday, but it’s nonsense. There are no women on Corono.”

“ He has one.” The tattletale pointed at Xane. It was that damn mailbox-looking alien, from the Lego bar. How did his mouth even work? “Some soft, exotic species of female that rich men breed for pleasure. None of us could figure out why she chose a Rtaharion as a mate.”

Sadie made a face at the jackass, wondering if she had enough hand sanitizer to squirt him, too.

Xane’s jaw tightened, and he slowly got to his feet.

“No woman chose him. ” Elf waved a hand at Xane. “Don’t be ridiculous. If a female were with him, he must have stolen her from her true husband.”

“I have no woman.” Xane declared flatly. “The e’byrn lies.”

“ You lie!” Mr. Mailbox shot back. (He must’ve been the e’bryn.) “Everyone at the Tavern saw you pick her up and carry her off. She most likely came from the Lythions’ ship. Only they could afford such a being. Look at how much that one just gambled and won!”

All eyes went to Sadie.

Oops.

She winced and fought the urge to back away from the intense alien stares. Okay. Um… What would George Clooney do, right now?

“You possess a woman on your ship, Lythion?” All of Elf’s serpent-heads were at attention, now.

“In the name of Vice-Corporal Siganthum-Rycen Lonel Lonel, I demand that you surrender her immediately! The Vice-Corporal has long coveted a wife. If any females are on this planet, he must have first choice of them.”

“Only women choose.” Xane snapped. “That is the law on every planet.”

Elf’s attention swung back to Xane. “He is the Vice-Corporal of Corono!”

“There are plenty of Vice-Corporals. There are limited women. He does not get to claim what is not freely given.” He shot the crowd a disgusted scowl. “None of you bastards do.”

Now everyone was back to glaring at Xane, which had probably been his intention. Sadie exhaled the breath she’d been holding, realizing her teammate just saved her ass.

How could she save his?

Elf’s middle head swayed in a slightly hypnotic way, like he was trying to bring Xane under his thrall. He was so slimy and dickish. Gremlins would be the only Christmas movie to have him as a character. “There’s a deal to be had, slave. Hand over the female and I’ll see you set free.”

“I’ll stay in bondage forever, before I even tell you her name.” Xane said flatly. His eyes flicked to Sadie for half-a-second, silently telling her to slip away. To escape, while they were all focused on him.

She slowly shook her head.

His expression darkened at her refusal.

Sadie crossed her arms over her chest, unwilling to leave him.

His face tilted towards the sky, like he was beseeching the alien gods to grant him patience.

“The Rtaharion should be arrested!” Mr. Mailbox shrieked. He’d clearly taken offense at Xane calling him a liar, because he was not backing down from this argument. “He should be tortured and made to give us the female…”

Xane wrenched off the guy’s weirdly flapping jaw, shutting him up forever.

His prayers for patience hadn’t worked, because he’d seriously just wrenched off someone’s jaw.

Holy crap! Sadie’s lips parted in shock as the alien’s body fell to the ground, in a pool of orange gore.

Xane’s bound hands had whipped out and rip .

No more Post Office-y guy. It was maybe the world’s quickest murder.

Sadie winced. Shit. They were for sure getting added to the naughty list.

Xane tossed aside the flat hunk of Mr. Mailbox’s lower-jaw, his gaze fixed on Elf. “I will fight you, until one of us is dead.” Rtaharions didn’t say words they didn’t mean, so it was a blood vow. “And the corpse will not be me.”

“The planet is only so big, slave.” Elf stepped closer to him, mechanical hands clenching. “Sooner or later, I’ll find your woman, no matter how hard you resist. There is nothing you can do to…”

His taunt trailed off with a horrendous gasp. Elf seemed to freeze in his tracks, his reptile-skin paling. Casino patrons scrambled out of his way, as he staggered backwards, clawing at his neck.

The hand sanitizer was finally starting to work. About damn time.

A rattling hiss escaped Elf’s middle throat, as the alcohol melted him from the inside out.

Once it took hold in his system, there was no stopping it.

The other snake-heads were already wilting, unable to exist without the primary part of their triad.

Elf’s robot-legs collapsed, sending him to his knees, so maybe the right and left fellas were the ones in charge of driving the body. He was now helpless.

People were beginning to panic. Shouts for a doctor went up. Cries of fear and surprise.

In the chaos, Xane’s gaze caught Sadie’s, his eyebrows soaring in astonishment. “Hand sanitizer?” He guessed.

Sadie wrinkled her nose and nodded. The Purell spritzer worked a little bit better than she’d expected.

She hadn’t meant to kill the guy. Aside from turkeys on her grandfather’s farm, she’d never killed anything.

But whatever. It’s not like Elf had been so super-terrific. He’d wanted to hurt Xane!

Elf sprawled on the ground, twitching and struggling to breathe. Honestly, now she felt a little bad. Like one percent bad. The least she could do was loosen the collar around his swollen middle-neck.

…And while she was there, she swiped the key from around his throat.

He gave a strangled protest as she pulled it free. She was close enough for him to see her face beneath the hood of her robe. When he realized she wasn’t Lythion, she could sense the hatred burning in his yellow eyes. He knew it was all a trick. He knew she was the one who’d poisoned him.

With his last bit of strength, he tried to bite her. Fangs flashed like sabers.

Sadie had forgotten about Elf’s venom. How the hell could she have forgotten about venom? Even worse, she’d underestimated the reach of his long neck. She let out an instinctive cry, as glinting teeth snapped right in front of her face.

It was a near miss. Sadie barely dodged to the side in time. Elf wasn’t giving up, though. He readjusted his aim, preparing to sink his razor-sharp teeth into her skin and kill her the way she’d killed him.

Xane yanked Sadie backwards, before Elf could strike.

With his other hand, her maybe-husband grabbed the vengeful snake-head and snapped its snake-neck. Bones crunched under his implacable grip. Elf sank backwards, his chest stilling.

Oh, thank God!

Sadie gave a half-sob of relief, practically crawling into Xane’s protective grasp. That had been way too close! She maneuvered under his bound hands, frantic to be closer to him. Her arms wound around his huge body, holding tight.

“You are safe.” He murmured into her ear. “I am with you.”

She nodded, her heart racing. If Xane was with her, she’d be okay. She tilted her face up to kiss his chin. “Thanks, big guy.” She whispered.

“Always.” He adjusted her hood to make sure her face stayed hidden. “We must go, now.”

That was a great idea. They had to get out of there, because the situation was turning really, really bad. And it had already been really, really bad. Now, it was really, really worse. Elf’s death had electrified the crowd.

“The drinks are poisoned!” A cockroach-being shrieked.

“The Rtaharion killed Elf!” Somebody else bellowed.

Overlapping shouts of “Run!” came from multiple directions at once.

Everyone wanted out of the casino. Now . There was a sudden stampede of people headed for the maze of alleyways.

“What is the next step of this plan?” Xane wrenched his bound wrists apart, breaking the loosely fastened handcuffs. The fact that he hadn’t done that while Elf was threatening him showed how committed the man was to fulfilling his part of the plan.

…And showed that he was a complete nutcase.

Sadie shook her head and tried to focus. Keep moving forward. Right. Okay. They needed to escape, but it was going to be hard to evade the alien lynch-mob. The beings that weren’t fleeing in terror were all headed straight for them.

How could they buy some time and get away from extraterrestrial-Vegas? Ocean’s Eleven had not covered this part of the plan. Luckily, she’d also watched Casino .

Reaching into her pocket, Sadie grabbed a handful of little metal bits and threw them up into the air.

The coins rained down and the already frantic crowd went positively wild.

Men dove for the free money. Fought each other for it.

Generally created such a huge mess that even a horned guy and a human woman could move unnoticed in the mayhem.

Xane gave a burst of shocked laughter. The sound was unexpected and beautiful. “My teammate.” He decided and kissed her right on the lips. “You are an endless wonder.”

Sadie smiled against his mouth. In that second, some mysterious bond solidified between them. She felt the link knot tight, connecting her to this man forever.

Then, Xane was swinging her onto his back, running and shoving his way through the crowd. “You were right.” He called over his shoulder. “George Clooney is highly skilled at plans.”

“Actually, that one was Sharon Stone’s.”

“Who’s he?”