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Chapter Thirteen

Ilyana

T he back of my husband’s head has become my constant companion. When he sleeps in bed, all I see is the back of his head or when he walks down our driveway leaving his family behind. When he ruts on top of me, he bends his head into my neck. With each painful thrust I know that it’s not me that he is thinking of. His mind is somewhere else with someone else.

Even when I call his name to fake a moan, he shuts his eyes away from me, it’s like he’s locking me out and pushing me away. I am trying my best to make him happy, to keep him satisfied. I thought that he would love me after I gave birth to his son. That’s what my mama told me to do. To have a child and he will see your worth. I can still see Mama rocking on the swing on the patio smoking her cigarillo.

“We are Cavendish, women. Our hands are small, but our spirit is strong.”

When I cried to her, and told her that Dereck is losing interest in me, she said, “Men don’t matter, sugar. How they make money does. That’s all we need from them. Love is a luxury you can’t afford.”

Money has never been important to me. In fact, I hate money, all it does is corrupt the hearts of men. “I just want him to love me.” I want his attention, his devotion, his love.

Mama blew smoke in my face and said, “Have a child. Let that man see your worth.”

So I did. I had a child. A beautiful son with dark hair and silvery eyes, a perfect blend of both of us. Yet like me, my son craves his attention and the little that he receives he gobbles it up. I fooled myself into thinking that in time, that Dereck would grow to love me. The way I love him, with all his imperfections, with all his quirks. I love him.

But I am never enough! Now I live in the shadow of a woman–the one who still holds his heart. I could never meet up to her standards. I had everything that she had and more and yet Dereck longs for her even now and I am left watching the back of his head.

Now I sit in a rented car watching him watching her. She looks so regal and happy in her wedding dress. Look at him, sad and forlorn. I want to scream, “Stop!” when I see him beginning to cross the street. But he wouldn’t listen to me. No, he listens to her.

With a shake of her head, Miranda commands him. Mid step he stops. In his grief, he doesn’t notice me sitting, watching him stumble to his car, bending over retching his guts out.

I wonder if he was crying, or does it hurt him the way our wedding hurt her? I look across the street, watching my best friend settle in the car. She may not think that I am her best friend, but she is mine still. She is mine. Her eyes meet mine and they widen.

At least someone sees me. It’s always Miranda that sees me never Dereck. Yes, time has passed, and she still sees me. I place my hand on the window frame, wishing I could hug her. Hoping for her forgiveness. She places hers on the glass and gives me a sad knowing smile and moves it away. She pauses and looks back at Dereck. Dereck jumps in his car and drives away.

She gets to see the front of him…and all I see is the back of his head.

* * *

PENNY

He loves me. That’s what he said last night, his eyes never left mine. I couldn’t say it back because…I don’t know if I love him. What is love anyway? How can he love me? He doesn’t know everything about me. I haven’t even told him that I think I might be pregnant. He loves me. That’s what the men in my life all say, then they leave. Does that mean he would want to leave me and the baby?

I didn’t bother to take the test. In a panic, I drove straight to my OBGYN office this morning. At first, I was going to Dr. Chu Ping, but I couldn’t get an appointment with him. Now I am sitting here waiting for Dr. Samson to come in and tell me my results.

Cradling my tummy, I pray silently that there is a baby in there. A new someone to love and who will love me without conditions.

The door opens and a burly man in a white coat comes in. Doctor Samson always looks so neat and put together. His office is clean, smelling of Fabuloso and bleach. His pink skin, has a hint of tan, and even his bald head with wisps of straight grey hair looks sun-kissed. It’s like he just got back from vacation.

He sits down and opens a file.

“Okay, so you’re not pregnant. Your missed period is all thanks to your PCOS. Your testosterone levels…”

I couldn’t hear him. I am not pregnant. It was just my PCOS. I feel like I am being punished for a sin that I didn’t know I committed.

“Are you paying attention, Ms. Holt?” Dr. Samson voice is mean and stern, his index finger points down at the papers in the file.

All I can do is nod.

“You have to lose this weight, you are prediabetic. You can’t be fat and expect to have children. Stop eating so much.” Dr. Samson said.

On a normal day I would have put this man in his place. But my heart, can’t take anymore.

“Would I be able to have children?” I whisper, feeling like my life is being held in the balance.

“No. From the looks of the ultrasound…”

Each word that he says feels like a cut on my skin. I’m too fat, prediabetic. I can’t have children. He pushes a white paper with scribbles on it.

“Take that to the pharmacy, it’s a birth control pill.” The more he spoke, the more defeated I feel, like I am failing as a woman, because of PCOS.

I don’t remember standing or leaving his office. I just got in my car feeling exhausted and wrung out. I want to cry, but this is not the time. I shouldn’t have gone to the doctor today. I should have waited till the wedding was over. My phone has three missed call.

Tarek

Treasure where are you? Why are you not answering the phone?

I swallow looking down into the phone. If I don’t reply I feel that he may find himself in front of me.

Me

Getting ready for the spa with Zee. Talk to you later.

I stare at the phone for some seconds waiting to see if he would call me. Thankfully he doesn’t. If I hear his voice, I may break down and cry.

I grip the steering wheel trying to regulate my emotions and thoughts. I’m startled by the sound of the phone. It’s Zeeta. Taking a deep breath, I shake whatever feeling I have off and I answer the phone with all the joy that I could muster.

“Hey, Mrs. Banner-to-be,” I shout.

“Ahhh. Hey, babe, I am already here at the spa. Are you on your way?”

I look the packed duffle bag sitting on my back seat. “Of course, I am.”

“Great. See you when you get here. Love yah.”

“Love yah.” The call ends, and I allow myself to feel for two more minutes. But this weekend is not about me. My bestie is getting married to Rhet Banner and I am going to make sure she gets down that aisle happy.

* * *

TAREK

There is comfort in whacking the shit out of white balls. It’s the easiest way to take your frustration out.

WHACK ! I watch the ball as it passes the blue flag.

“Take it easy, T,” Jasper comments leaning on the golf club.

I ignore them as I pass my club to my caddy.

Cole lines up his club and ball, hits it across the green. He swings and, of course, it’s perfect.

“Did that shit go in the hole?” Rhet asks.

Cole grins and pulls his cigar out of his mouth. “I never have trouble finding a hole,”

Jasper rolls his eyes and exchanges his golf club with his caddy.

The conversation floats around me, I think about the invisible wall that Penny instantly built around herself. It’s like I said I love you and she froze. Now I call and she is too busy to answer the phone? Something is wrong. Maybe I should have kept that I love you to myself. Maybe I am flying a little too close to the sun? I should give her the necklace and let her go. But I don’t think I can.

Cole clears his throat. “What time are you leaving for Singapore?”

I hear Cole, but I am too preoccupied with the thought of Penny.

Something hits the back of my head. “The fuck? Did you just hit me?”

Cole laughs out loud. “When is your flight?”

“I leave around seven in the morning after the wedding.” I rub the back of my head where Cole slapped.

“What’s your problem?” Dax asks, as he shoves my shoulder.

“What’s my problem? Why the fuck are you wearing glasses?” I joke moving the spotlight off of me.

“I have a stigmatism,” Dax replies.

“He is an old man,” Cole adds, with the cigar tucked into the corner of his mouth.

Dax shakes his head and grins. “Can you see the ‘ fuck you’ in my smile Cole?”

Cole scratches the underside of his beard. “I can and I don’t need glasses to see it either.”

We all burst out laughing. Cole flips Dax his middle finger.

Dax adjust his thin silver frame, up his nose with his own middle finger.

Rhet is scrolling through his phone, his face twisting like he is upset.

“What’s wrong with you?” I ask.

Rhet grumbles, “Zee only texted me twice for the day. How long is a spa treatment?”

“You’re clingy as fuck. It’s weird,” Cole interjects.

“Fuck you, Cole. I like to know where my woman is at all times,” Rhet continues scrolling.

“Who is with her?” Jasper asks.

Without a thought, I reply, “Treasure, Aunty Gia and Zeeta’s mom.”

The whole group goes quiet, and Rhet finally looks up from his phone and asks, “How the fuck do you know that?”

Dax adjust his glasses. “The real question is why the fuck do you know that?”

“Who the hell is Treasure?” Jasper counters.

I tap my golf club against the greens, trying to decide what to tell them.

“Motherfucker, you have fallen in love with Penny,” Rhet says.

All eyes turn in my direction. I don’t even bother trying to deny it. I lift my shoulders in a shrug “It’s weird. I can’t pinpoint when it all happened. But everything around me has changed. She likes pomegranates. I have a case in my fridge. I don’t even smoke anymore because she doesn’t like the smell of it.”

Cole exhales a white stream of smoke into the air. “This love shit is becoming contagious. I don’t want it.” His gaze shifts to his caddy. “Get me a mask ASAP.”

The caddy chuckles nervously, hesitating. “A mask sir?”

Cole raises one eyebrow, dead serious. “Am I a comedian? Do I look like fucking Bill Burrs? Get me a mask.”

Without another word, the caddy hops into a golf cart and speeds off to the clubhouse.

Rhet strides over to me, his golf club taps against the ground until he stops in front of me. He presses the golf club against my chest. “You know we are best friends for life right.”

“Yeah,” I mutter, shoving the club off my chest. “Get that shit out of my face Banner.”

“If you mess with Penny, I will fuck you up,” Rhet says.

Before I could reply, Jasper swings his club onto his shoulder and jumps in. “Why do you care? Zeeta is your girl not Penny.”

Rhet snaps his fingers like he was waiting for someone to ask, “Exactly my point. If he fucks shit up with Penny. Penny will go to Zeeta and that will mess Zee up. And then when my wife gets messed up, she cries to me. Then it’s my problem. I don’t want my best friend to be a problem.”

I drag my hand down my face. “I think, I messed up. I told her I love her, and she freaked.”

Everyone becomes silent.

Cole interjects, “Forget contagious, this love shit is becoming a pandemic. Where is the caddy with my mask?”

Rhet squeezes my shoulder. “Been there, done that. Give her time buddy,”.

“Time? I feel like time is running out. Like she built a wall around herself.” My stomach twists at the thought of Penny leaving.

“Then break that wall and get your girl,” Jasper says with a smirk on his face, his tone is dripping in mockery.

Rhet’s face scowls. “Forget that dick head. Give her space, give her time.”

But I don’t want to give her space or time. I want to be in her space and all her time could be spent with me.

The group goes silent; tension hangs in the air until Cole breaks it with his usual flair. “What fucking kumbaya shit is this? This love shit is fucking our group up. It’s so much feelings. Ugh.”

Dax wrinkles his nose, rubbing his finger under it. “What is that smell?”

Cole shifts the cigar in his mouth, his smirk is lazy. “You smelling something asshole?”

Dax leans in closer, his face hovering closer to Cole. “Oh, yeah, I got it now.” He sniffs dramatically, once, twice. “It smells like…” Sniff, sniff. “Undealt-with trauma. With a hint of emotional issues.”

I chuckle, watching Cole roll his eyes, clearly unamused by Dax theatrics.

Jasper snorts and shakes his head. “Cole, you know what your problem is? You need someone to fuck happiness right back into your miserable soul.”

“That will be the day,” I reply, smirking.

Jasper turns and walks to his golf cart and slides in. “All right enough of this therapy session. We got more balls to hit before that asshole ties the knot.”

We all follow.

Sliding into the golf cart next to Rhet, I glance his way. “Will you still be an asshole after you get married?”

Jasper rolls up alongside us, with Cole riding shotgun and Dax chilling in the back scrolling his phone.

Cole points his finger at Rhet. “He was born an asshole, now he will be an asshole with feelings,” Cole wiggles his fingers in Rhet’s direction for emphasis with a devilish grin on his face.

Jasper drives forward, with Rhet and I following. “Rhet you good though?”

He glances quickly in my direction. “I am getting married tomorrow. I’ve never been this happy in my life.”

* * *

PENNY

White peonies and hydrangeas line the arches and pews of the church, casting a soft, dreamlike beauty over the space. It feels like heaven in here.

My best friend had a bout of cold feet, but after a heartfelt talk with her husband-to-be, Rhet, he reaffirmed his love for her and all her fears quietly slipped away. Now I’m standing at the head of the aisle, watching my bestie exchange vows with him.

My eyes find Tarek’s and he gives me a small knowing smile, and I return it. Last night was the first time in months I didn’t sleep next to Tarek. I chose to stay with Zeeta for the night.

I can still remember his message.

Whatever it is we can fix it. Come home.

Come home. When did our houses become homes for each other? I sigh trying to keep a smile on my face. I turn my attention to Zeeta watching the tears slide down her cheeks as she says her vows.

Rhet taps the pocket of his jacket and Zeeta giggles. Whatever the secret they share, it’s theirs and they look happy. Do I want to be married? No. Well I am not sure. But people in marriages could leave. They always leave.

“I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. Rhet Banner,” the priest says.

She did it. I pass the flowers back to her and my eyes fill with water. Forget me, my friend is happy. That’s all that matters.

Watching her and Rhet glide down the aisle makes my heart happy. I pull my emerald green dress up as I walk behind the bride and groom.

I can feel Tarek’s eyes burning into my back. But today is not about us. It’s about our friends and I intend to keep it that way.

For the rest of the night, I avoid Tarek. How do I tell him that I failed? That I can’t have children. Would he look at me the way Melvin did? With hints of disgust and shame. Men always start out happy. Then they leave. Like my father did. They don’t come back. And I’m left with a hole in my heart that I have to heal. Over and over. Like a bad loop. Maybe it’s better if I leave first.

This whole idea was stupid, I was stupid to think that this time it would be different for me. The sensible thing would be to talk to him. But what would I even say?

No. I need to leave Tarek before he leaves me. It’s for the best.

As the reception slows, people settle into their groups, having quiet conversations around the hall. I smile at some guests, weaving through the hall trying to find Tarek.

Turning the corner at the back wall I hear Tarek’s voice. “I want to give a small toast to the sons of Lakeshore. Congratulations, Rhet.”

I step closer peeping past the cluster of peonies. I watch five men, seated in a circle of chairs, lifting their glass in union. They clink them together with a toast before drinking.

“Who is next on the chopping block?” asks the redhead with a twisted grin, Cole I think his name is.

The handsome blond with the glasses and neck tattoos, Dax leans back in his chair, raising his glass toward Tarek with a sly grin. “That asshole right there, he has found his girl and up next vagina trophies or marriage. His ass is next.”

Tarek laughs into his drink, his shoulders relax. “Don’t talk about my girl’s vagina or my kids like that.”

Jasper, my new rock star bestie, snorts. “See? His kids. The fucker is already planning. He’s definitely next.”

I freeze in place, my eyes are only for Tarek. There is a glow to him, a soft warm expression spreads over his face.

“How many vagina trophies do you want?” Dax teases, trying to hold back a grin.

Tarek shakes his head. “Stop talking about my girl’s vagina. I will bash your face in.”

“Yeah?” Dax arches his eyebrows. “I would like to see you try,”

Why did that sound like a threat?

Jasper cuts in rocking on the back legs of the chair. “Okay. Okay. Serious question. How many kids you talking about? For real.”

Tarek stirs the ice in his glass, his smile softens. “As many as she wants to have. One, two, ten. I don’t care.”

“So, you want kids?” Cole asks, with a hint of scorn.

“Yes, I want them. I can’t see life any different,” Tarek adds.

He can’t see his life any different.

I clutch my chest as the breath rushes out of me. A searing ache blooms in my heart. He wants children, so much is written on his face. Joy, love, and happiness. I, I can’t give him any of that.

A weight presses against my chest, and I am gasping for air. My chest aches, not from jealousy or deceit but from an empty grief.

I can’t be what he needs me to be. If I can’t be what he needs, then like everyone else he would leave me. The room blurs as I hear the laughter of the men still teasing Tarek.

Look at him, happy and radiant from a thought of a future that I can’t give him. I step back, my hands tremble as I press them against my stomach. My heart caves in and it feels wider, empty.

I have to leave him. He deserves more; he deserves someone who can give him all his heart desires. Someone who isn’t me.

* * *