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Miranda

Many years ago.

T here is something about rain on a tin roof that makes you burrow a little deeper beneath your sheets. It makes you cling to the one you love a little tighter. I’ve always loved the rain, the quiet tap of droplets on the window, the soft rumble of thunder, the gentle drip of water on the leaves outside. With a soft sigh, I press my head against the chest of the man I love. My fingers trace a heart on his chest. In this moment, everything around me feels perfect. The rain, the bed, the man, it was all so perfect.

“Did I hurt you, Sticks? I know I am big. Are you okay?” Dereck asks as he lifts my chin to look into his stormy grey eyes.

I give him a small, shy smile. “At first it did, but after, everything was just perfect.”

He reaches for my hand and our fingers clasp together.

“Look at us, chocolate and vanilla.” I giggle, sinking deeper into his side.

He unclasps our fingers, pulls me closer to press a kiss onto my forehead. “I love you Sticks.”

I pull my head back, staring at his plump bottom lip, wanting him to kiss me again. “I love you too, Dereck.”

God, he was a handsome man. I believe I struck gold with this one. Dereck was rich, smart, and unlike his friends, he was kind, especially to me. He played football at Lakeshore High. He was tall, muscular, with a killer smile and thick dark hair that falls over his right eyebrow.

He presses his lips against mine, his tongue slipping past my teeth. My eyes instantly close, welcoming his slow seduction. I moan digging my nails into his chest. Yes, we were about to do it again.

“I’m so happy we came to our senses and made up,” I said, against his lips, my heart swells with relief.

He kisses my forehead and squeezes me tight. “Yeah, me too.”

“Ilyana helped,” I admitted, nestling my face into his chest. “I was crying on her shoulder, and she was so sweet to reassure me that it would be all right.”

He lifts my chin and kisses me softly.

As I rub his neck, I noticed for the first time, his chain is missing. He never takes that chain off. But as he deepens the kiss, the concern about the chain began to slip from my mind.

“I love you so much, D.”

With a groan, he gently unwraps my arms from around him. My eyes flutter open as he pulls away.

“Sticks, I, um.” He looks up to the ceiling like he was trying to find the words there.

I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood that’s invading my room. “What’s wrong? Having sex with a virgin doesn’t conjure up evil spirits and render you speechless.”

He gnaws on his bottom lip. “I can’t do this lying down. We need to talk.”

My heart skips a beat as I pull my robe from the side of the table. Wrapping it around my body, I braced myself for whatever Dereck was about to tell me. He drags his pants on.

“Are you breaking up with me?” I throw my shoulders back, waiting for him to confirm my thoughts. God, there was still blood and his stickiness between my legs, and he was about to break up with me.

“Breaking up with you? Why the fuck would I do that? I love you.” He pulls his pants higher, leaving the zipper open.

I walk up to him, touching his cheek, feeling his scratchy five o’clock shadow under my palm. “What is it? Anything thrown at us we can face together.”

He presses a kiss to my palm and drags it down his face, letting go as he steps away and begins to put his shirt on.

I’ve known this man for eighteen years, ever since his family arrived from France, bringing their wealth and titles with them. The people of Lakeshore revere them, even fear them, but Ilyana and I were the first to befriend him. After all these years of friendship, I can tell when something is wrong, when something is weighing on his mind. “Where is your chain, Dereck? You never take that off.” I pull the neck of the robe together.

His eyes sadden when he looks at me. It’s like he has a million things to say, but he doesn’t know where to start.

“What is it?” I whisper.

He places his hand on his hip and bends his head. “It’s about me and Ilyana.”

My blood runs cold at the thought of my two best friends together. “Did you cheat on me?”

“God, no,” he barks as he paces near my small vanity.

The creaking of the door outside tells me that someone is coming in. “Sticks, D, are you guys there?”

“In here,” I shout, automatically, like I have been doing all my life.

A knock surrounds Dereck and me. The door opens, and Ilyana comes in, her thin strap dress sticking to her body. Her brown hair is plastered on her head.

I move past Dereck, reaching into the cupboard to get a towel to dry off Ilyana.

“Come, let’s get you dried off near the fireplace,” I usher Ilyana to the living room to dry off.

“You’re always so caring, Sticks,” Ilyana says as she drags the towel over her shoulder. Always so caring? Why does she sound so snide? Maybe it’s just my imagination.

“Would you like one of my nighties? May be take this off and I can get you dried off.” I walk back into my bedroom looking for the new nighties that my ma just sewed.

“Have you told her as yet?” Ilyana whispers.

I grab the nightie to my chest, creeping at the door, waiting to hear his response.

“I was about to when you showed up. Why are you even here? I told you, let me handle this,” Dereck growls.

What the hell is going on with these two? I walk back into the living room with the pj’s in my hand. Ilyana moves away from Dereck and sits on a small stool facing the fire.

“Whatever is going on, I need to know now.” My hands tremble as I look at the two people I love more than anyone else in this world.

My mom would put her hands under her breast and say, “Hmmm, I told yah. They are not your people. You are not in that circle.”

But she was wrong. I didn’t want to be in their circle. They were my childhood friends. My mom is Ilyana’s parents’ housekeeper. Her parents paid for me to go to a private school with Ily and D.

They never alienated me. Even when Dereck’s other friends were around, he always treated me kindly. The only person I couldn’t stand was Henry Banner. He’s a bully. Everything about him rubs me the wrong way. But not Dereck. He was different. He wasn’t mean like the rest. He is my best friend turned boyfriend. Ilyana was like my sister. Her parents treated me like family. If Ilyana had a blue dress, her mom would make sure I had one too, just in a different color. Eighteen years of friendship seem to be culminating in this one moment.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this today.” Dereck approaches me, taking the nightie out of my hand.

I stare past Dereck, Ilyana was peering into the flames, as if she was seeing a premonition. A creepy smile spreads across her face as she lifts an emerald, green pendant and places it between her lips.

A pendant, attached to a gold chain that belongs on a neck that is vacant.

“Why is Ily wearing your chain, Dereck?” I whisper. The fire crackles and pops.

Dereck looks around at Ilyana, then back at me.

“Sticks we can talk about this tomorrow, please.” He holds my shoulders and begins to slide his hand up and down my arm. Trying to provide some comfort. I step out of his hold.

“No. Tell me what’s going on.” I pull the nightie out of his hand.

“Dereck and I are getting married. The engagement is in two weeks,” Ilyana blurts out. The slap of the truth makes me shake my head in shock.

“That’s a lie. She is lying,” I mutter as my eyes flit between Dereck and Ilyana.

“We have no choice, Sticks,” he whispers as he squeezes the bridge of his nose. Ilyana looks away from me with guilt.

What is air? What does it mean to breathe? I don’t know because, right now I can’t. My lungs feel empty, robbed of every breath.

I rub the soft material between my fingers. It’s the only thing keeping me from going completely numb.

Breathe Miranda, breathe…my brain is begging me to inhale.

Dereck steps forward with his hand stretched out, coming to touch me.

On instinct, I back away from him, pressing my hips into the side table.

“Baby, let me explain.” Dereck stretches his hands toward me. Hands that held me when I was afraid. Hands that made love to me are now outstretched, trembling toward me.

I shake my head. I need to get out of here. I feel like I can’t breathe, the pain is too much.

“I have to marry her, Sticks. We have a name but no money. My father gambled it all, now we are in debt.” Dereck advances toward me. His eyes plead with me to listen.

“It’s all arranged. We didn’t want this. Tell her Ilyana!” Dereck screams, his voice sounds desperate.

“Sticks, I—” Ilyana stutters.

“Get out, Ily.” That’s all that I could muster.

“Sticks, please.” she stands slowly, sniffling.

“Leave, Ily,” Dereck says as he opens the door for her. Thunder rumbles in the heavens above us.

Ilyana gets up, walking to the door, her face is stoic. “We have to get married. I’m sorry Sticks.”

“Get the fuck out, Ily!” Dereck screams.

I couldn’t look at her. Her footsteps hurried across my mother’s wooden floor. The rain roars as she dashes outside.

I shut my eyes tightly, trying to focus on my breathing. Trying to make sense of everything that was happening around me.

The door slams close. “Fuck!” Dereck screams out in frustration.

I glide my fingers over my mother’s wooden table, leaning on it for support.

“You don’t have to do anything.” I can hear the venom seeping into my voice.

He walks away and paces in my mother’s small wooden kitchen. Rubbing his neck, rolling his shoulders.

“Ilyana is my best friend, you can’t marry her,” I move over to him, pressing my face against his warm back. My arms wrap around his torso slowly.

“Ilyana has never been your best friend Sticks,” he mutters under his breath. I shake my head, dismissing the idea of Ilyana and I not being friends.

“You love me D. We can leave this all behind together.” My words are muffled as I press my face into his spine.

“What about your mom? My family?” He grumbles. My heart clenches when the prospect of leaving my mother behind crosses my mind.

“We can leave them behind and return years from now,” even as I say it out loud, a small part of me knows he will never do that. He rubs my hands against his stomach and peels my fingers away.

My arms become heavy like they are dipped in concrete as they drop to my side.

“We can do it, Dereck,” I swallow as I wait for his reply. He walks to the window, pulling softly at my mom’s white lace curtains.

I take his silence for a chance to press on with my thoughts. “We can hop on a train and go to New York like we always wanted.”

“I can’t do that Sticks,” he sighs and drags his hand through his jet black hair.

Every time he says he can’t, a little part of me dies with him.

“Why not? Why can’t we do it? Why can’t we leave ? —”

“Because I have fucking responsibilities!” Dereck slams his hand against the windowsill.

“Fuck the responsibilities!” I know I’m wrong for saying that but, pain was over taking my mind.

He grabs my cheeks, squeezing them between his palms. His silvery eyes pierce my very soul. “Fuck my responsibilities? Who is going to pay for my worthless father’s gambling bill?”

I push at his shoulder. “You’re hurting me.”

He tightens his hold. “When the money lenders come to kill my mom and sister, am I supposed to say fuck them, and leave with you?”

His “you” sounds full of pain and disgust.

The pain in my face has gone, overshadowed by the pain he is inflicting on my heart.

He lets go of my cheeks and wipes my face. I didn’t even realize I was crying.

“Then why did you do what you just did? Why take my virginity from me? Why tell me that you love me?” This is what a slow death feels like, because I know no matter what he says, it will just hurt me more.

“Because I’m a selfish asshole, Sticks,” he drags his hands down his face as he wipes his tears away.

I feel empty. I have nothing left in me. No life, no energy… nothing.

“Give me five years Sticks,” he pleads as his eye’s roves over my face. He pushes me softly against the wall.

“For what?” As I look up at him, longing for him to make this all go away.

“To make it right between us. In the meantime, let me put you up in a house. Pay your bills. I can take care of you. You can go to med school.”

My breath hitches. “You want me to be your mistress?”

He licks his lips nervously. “No, you can be my woman.”

A small bubble of hysteria hits me, and I chuckle. “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck. Dereck, it’s a duck,”

“I’m not asking you to be my mistress.” He pushes his forehead against mine. His breath reeks of the wine that we had from my mother’s cupboard.

“No, you are just asking me to wait while you fuck your new wife and me in the background.” I push away from his chest.

“I’m asking you to give me time. You’re not being fair Sticks.” He grunts as he moves away. Grabbing the roots of his hair. His eyes are red as more tears slide down his face.

“Fuck fair. You want to put my life on hold while you live yours,” I rub my sternum, knowing I was about to rip my heart out.

“You’re not being rational Sticks,” he says as he wipes his tears away.

“Rational? Okay. You want me to watch you get married, oh and you will have to get her pregnant,” the thought of Dereck having a child that is not mine…. “I am just supposed to bear down, and be a strong black woman and wait for you.”

Dereck's jaw twitches as he listens to my words.

I drop my hands at my side, clenching my fist, I ask, “Do you love me? It’s either yes or no, Dereck?”

He looks at me, answering me without saying a word.

“But not enough to leave this all behind for me,” I answer. My throat tightens.

“I told you my plans,” he mutters.

He grabs his jacket at the back of the chair; he drapes it over his head and head to the door. His back stays turned from me.

For a moment, his head drops, shoulders heavy. Then he slowly turns to face me.

“Don’t do this. Please,” I beg.

“Figure it out, Sticks. Either you wait for me, or it ends here,” he says somberly.

My mouth tightens as tears run down my cheeks, then my knees wobble. The knot that is forming in my throat tightens. All I could do was nod slowly.

“It ends here,” I whisper, raising my chin in defiance.

He looks at me, his chin churns, his stormy silver eyes sadden, “I guess it does.”

With that, he opens the door and runs out into the rain. I stand watching him leave me, praying that he would turn back. I walk to the door, holding on to the old black knob.

“Turn back. Dereck, turn back,” I whisper into the wind.

His foot slouches in the grey mud as he moves further and further away from me. He doesn’t stop, he doesn’t look back. It must be the rain. It has to be the rain. That’s why he didn’t come back. That’s why he’s not looking back. Right? It’s this rain…this cold, grey rain. God…. I hate the rain.