Page 38

Jamie

When I wake up, there’s an Anders-shaped hole in my chest.

Tears dampen the pillowcase as images torment me of Anders being hunted down by the police and shot dead, hurting himself or others, running off into the wilderness never to be found.

He dropped my gran’s necklace when he went berserk. It’s all I have to remind me he was here at all. I touch the necklace against my chest, eyes stinging.

There’s a howling in my soul. My wolf is mourning the other half of his heart. I want to howl out all my anguish until Anders hears me and comes home.

Chest aching, I force myself from the bed.

I can’t focus on myself. Jace needs me. Falling apart isn’t an option.

I dry my eyes as I leave the bedroom, trying to look like I haven’t been crying all night.

In the kitchen, I crack some eggs in a bowl.

Yesterday, Anders and I cooked breakfast together.

I’d laughed when he cracked the egg too hard and got yolk all over his hand.

Shaking the memory from my head, I scramble the eggs in a pan. Jace comes out of his room, yawning. I force a smile. “Hey. Sleep well?”

Jace shakes his head. “My arm hurts.”

“Sorry about that. I’ll get you your meds. Have a seat. Food’s almost done.”

Frowning, Jace looks around the room. “Where’s Anders?”

My breath hitches. How do I even answer that?

Unwilling to speak, I plate the eggs, butter the toast, and bring our plates to the table.

Next, I fill a glass with water, grab Jace’s meds, and bring them to him.

He gulps down the water and meds but doesn’t eat right away, looking in confusion at Anders’s empty seat.

The table looks too big without him here, slurping down bacon and shoveling down his eggs, making us laugh with his enthusiasm for the food.

A lump rises in my throat. What have I done?

“Isn’t Anders eating?” Jace asks.

“Jace… Anders and I had a big fight. I don’t think he’s coming back.” My voice shakes, and I cram eggs in my mouth to avoid saying anything else.

Jace stares at me with such a look of betrayal I have to tear my gaze away. “Because I got into a fight with Kevin? But he’s the one who attacked me. I didn’t start anything. I swear! It wasn’t Anders’s fault!”

“Hey, no, that’s not what happened.” Crossing the table, I put my hand on his shaking shoulder. “We didn’t break up because of you, kiddo.”

Jace bucks my hand off. “But if I hadn’t gotten hurt, you wouldn’t have fought!” He lurches from the seat and makes for his room.

“Jace!” I stop him by the door, turning him around to face me. Tears streak his face, and he hangs his head with a miserable sob. “Things wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Anders was always going to return to his home.” My voice breaks from how hard I’m trying to convince myself.

“So he just left us?” Jace asks, the pain in his voice making me flinch.

“Yeah, he, um… he probably got on a boat and went back to his time.”

“And you didn’t even try and stop him!” Jace says accusingly. “You just let him go! Every time you’re finally happy, you always ruin it!”

Is that really what he thinks?

“That’s not true—”

“It is! You were really happy with Anders, but you made him leave! All because I broke my stupid arm?” He’s yelling now, catching me completely by surprise. “That’s so dumb!”

“How is putting my family first dumb?” I snap.

Jace shouts over me. “You’re not putting me first! You’re just scared!”

I’m struck speechless by how perceptive my brother is. Is that what this is? Have I been using Jace as a shield to protect myself from committing to the guys I’ve dated?

“That’s not… Jace—”

“We were finally a family again, and you ruined it.” Jace sniffles. “Leave me alone.”

His bedroom door slams in my face.

I thought I was doing the right thing. Now, I just feel like an even bigger asshole.

I call out from work to stay home with Jace, but even though we’re in close proximity, we barely speak a word to each other.

I hurt Anders. Not only that, but I also hurt Jace.

I feel like a colossal failure. Beside me, Jace watches Avatar: The Last Airbender , a show he loves, but his face is blank as an anticipated battle unfolds on the screen.

Reaching out, I squeeze his knee. He barely reacts to my touch, but at least he didn’t push me away. “Need anything, bud?”

“Can I have a sandwich?”

I jump up, thrilled to be of use. “Sure. What kind?”

He shrugs. “Ham and cheese.”

“Coming right up.”

In the kitchen, I prepare the sandwiches, one for myself, one for Jace, and one for—

A lump thickens my throat. Anders isn’t here. He’s not coming back. Tears sting my eyes as I wrap up the third sandwich and put it in the refrigerator. I take a few deep breaths to get my emotions under control. I made my choice. I’ve got to bear the consequences.

I set the plate of sandwiches on the coffee table and try and focus on the show. Anders’s reaction to seeing a movie for the first time had been so cute and funny. I wish I’d been able to show him the other two Lord of the Rings movies. He would have loved them.

Eventually, Jace falls asleep beside me, the lights from the screen highlighting the tear tracks on his cheeks. My heart breaks open, unleashing a dam of anguish. Leaning down, I kiss his cheek, wiping away a tear that falls from my cheek to his.

“I’m so sorry, kiddo.”

For so long, I’d wanted a partner who would love and support Jace as much as I did. I’d found all that and more in Anders, so why did I fuck things up? Why did I push him away?

My phone rings, and I answer without checking who it is so the noise doesn’t wake Jace.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jamie!” Jess grins at me from the screen, surprising me. She doesn’t usually FaceTime.

“Shh! Jace is sleeping.”

“Oops, sorry,” she says, lowering her voice.

“Slacking off?” I tease, managing a small smile.

“Yup. The shop’s burning down, and Bailey’s dancing in the ashes.” She takes a bite of a sandwich. She must be at the cute little sandwich place around the corner from the café. “Just checking in. How’s Jace?”

I glance at my brother, heart aching at the sadness that pinches his face even in sleep. “He’s, uh… Fine. Just needs to rest and take his meds—”

“Were you crying?” Jess leans closer to the screen, a frown puckering her brows.

Shit. I attempt a laugh. “What? No.”

She fixes me with a hard stare. “You had better not be blaming yourself for Jace’s injury,” she says.

My throat thickens, and I blink away the burn of tears. “I… Of course I am, but it’s not just that. It’s Anders. I think I messed up, Jess.”

“Talk to me,” she urges, voice soft and comforting.

The smile falls off my face. I confess everything that happened last night: Jace’s injury and surgery, my argument with Anders, then my conversation with Jace this morning.

Jess says, “I guess Jace is doing okay if he can give you shit.”

I give a defeated nod. “Yup. No broken arm is going to stop him from wrecking me emotionally, apparently.”

“He’s right, though. What’s going on? I thought you wanted a boyfriend.”

I wince. “I did, but—”

Blowing out a sigh, Jess sets her coffee down out of sight. “You felt guilty about Jace getting hurt, so you pushed him away to punish yourself. Jamie, being alone for the rest of your life won’t bring your parents back.”

A lump rises in my throat. “That’s not—”

“They wouldn’t want you to keep beating yourself up over their deaths.”

Blinking fast, I say, “I promised them I’d look after my brother.

” From the moment I held him, all I’d wanted was to keep him safe.

Sometimes I’d noticed the strain that raising two kids had put on my parents.

How tired they were, the frustration they’d let slip.

I’d felt bad and wanted to lighten their burden, so I’d taken it on myself to care for Jace: bottle-feeding him, being the first to comfort him when he cried at night, constantly keeping him in my sight so my parents could shop or do other chores.

Even when they’d assured me Jace was their responsibility, I’d still been determined to help them.

“You’re allowed to be happy.” Jess’s soft, empathetic gaze makes it hard to hold in my tears. She sees through me to my very core, always has. “It’s fine to accept help, to trust another person to look after both of you. But denying yourself happiness? Is that really what they’d want?”

No. Of course not. My parents would want me to be happy, but that doesn’t make forgiving myself any easier. “If it weren’t for me, they’d still be here.” I wipe away the tear that spills free. “Ugh. This sucks. I hate being wrong.”

Jess smiles. “You must really love the guy if you’re this torn up about him.”

“I do.” My heart clenches. I love Anders more than anything or anyone. But do I love him more than my guilt? Do I love him more than my own self-loathing?

Of course I do.

Even if I never forgive myself, I want to be better. For Anders. For Jace. And maybe a little bit for me too.

Jess gives me a knowing smile. “You’ve got that I’m-gonna-make-things-right look.”

How do I make things right? I have no idea where Anders is. He couldn’t have gone back to his time without my necklace. He could be anywhere, and if he went berserk, can he even come back? Oh god. Have I lost him forever?

I won’t know unless I try.

We say goodbye, and I end the call. Jace continues to sleep beside me. Exhaustion wears at me, so I snuggle in close and put my arm around him. “I’ll fix this, bud. I promise.”

When I open my eyes, the sky outside is stained with red and orange as the sun sets. Shit. I must have been really tired if I slept the day away. I sit up and realize I fell onto my side while I was sleeping because my Jace-sized prop left at some point.

I stretch out an ache in my neck as I cross the room and knock on his bedroom door. “Jace? You want dinner?”

No answer.

The door squeaks when I open it, light spilling in through the gap and pooling on an empty bed.

Something doesn’t feel right. He’s probably in the bathroom.

With a heavy feeling in my stomach, I knock on the bathroom door and try the handle when nobody responds.

The door opens, revealing an empty bathroom.

My chest tightens.

“Jace?” My voice echoes through the apartment as I jog to my bedroom and throw open the door. He isn’t here. “Jace, come out, now!” I check under the bed. Look in all the closets. Behind the shower curtain.

An iron band wraps around my lungs. I can’t find him.

He’s not in the apartment. With shaking hands, I dial the police, stammering and panting my way through the conversation.

Jace is gone. I don’t know where he is or when he left.

Where would he go? Was he really so angry that he’d storm out without telling me?

The operator assures me that the police will be there soon, but the ringing in my ears drowns her out as my knees buckle.

Where is he?

Where’s my baby brother?

Is he hurt? Is he safe?

I grip at my chest, pulling at my shirt to try and ease the pressure on my chest.

And then, I notice it.

My necklace is gone, and I understand.

Jace took it.

My little brother has gone to bring Anders back himself.