Page 33

Jamie

Oh god. I can’t believe Anders saw me break down. I never wanted him to see this side of me. Anders deserves Fun Jamie. Sunshine Jamie. The Jamie who is on top of his game and confident. Not messy, sad, depressed Jamie.

I haven’t let myself drown in the past in a long time.

Ever since my parents died, I’ve tried so hard to be strong. I locked my guilt and my heartache in a box and buried it. But every year on my birthday, if I’m not careful, the box opens, and I can lose myself in memories of that awful day.

I jump when Anders suddenly climbs into the car. “Take us home, pet.”

My hands are shaky as I grip the wheel. It took me a long time to get over my fear of driving. I only started driving again two years ago and finally felt confident behind the wheel. Today, I wish I could hand the wheel to Anders.

Come on, Jamie. That’s ridiculous. Just drive.

“Are we going?” Anders asks.

Hands shaking, I turn the ignition key and step on the gas.

Suddenly, I’m eighteen again. My mom is in the seat beside me, and Dad’s in the back.

Mom and Dad are laughing. I don’t remember why. Then, she screams, and—

“Jamie.” A big hand cups the back of my neck.

I gasp as his touch yanks me from memories of the worst day of my life.

“Don’t think. Just drive.” The deep, low growl of his voice speaks to my wolf, even without my furs. “Get us home, and I will take care of you.”

I angle my head on instinct, showing my throat. My wolf’s instincts are telling me to submit, to obey. In submission to my Alpha, I will find peace. “Yes, Alpha,” I whisper.

Don’t think. Just do what Alpha says , my wolf’s instincts whisper. Please him.

Squeezing the wheel tight, I drive us from the parking space.

Thoughts try to creep in. I grind my teeth, trying to keep them out.

Please. I just want my head to be clear.

I don’t want to think. When my Alpha’s hand glides over my thigh to squeeze my knee, I find myself relaxing back into the seat. Alpha’s touch feels so good.

I don’t understand what’s going on. Anders has said himself he isn’t an Alpha, so I’m not sure why my body is reacting to him like this.

It doesn’t feel like a heat. I’m not burning up with desire and need.

Anders’s presence has an almost catatonic effect on me.

My wolf wants me to trust him, to let him take care of us. So I will.

I’ve tried so hard to take care of myself. To be a fortress. Now, my fortress is crumbling. Can I trust Anders to help keep me together? Do I even deserve to ask that of him?

Before I know it, we’ve arrived safely at my apartment.

Anders carries Jace, who is still asleep.

Once we’re in the apartment, Anders tells me to wait while he puts Jace to bed.

I obey my Alpha and remain by the door, feeling like an empty shell until he returns.

He insists on taking off my coat and tugging off my boots.

My stomach gives a loud growl, displeased we didn’t eat breakfast. Anders’s eyes narrow. “When is the last time you ate?”

I cast my mind back, but everything is a blur. Fuck. I wish I’d died instead that day. I should have. Jace would be much happier with his parents. A lump rises in my throat.

“Pet.” Anders tips my chin up. “Answer my question.”

“I don’t think I ate today.”

Anders takes my hand and steers me to the sofa. “Sit.” I do as he says. Anders leaves, and when he comes back, he’s carrying my grandmother’s furs. “Wear these.”

“Why?” I ask.

“On my worst days, my favorite thing to do is shed my skin and live as a wolf for a few hours. An animal’s headspace is simpler than that of our human form. Try it. I will make us some food.”

I shrug them on, concentrating on the sensation of the furs, on my bond with Anders.

All the distressing thoughts of the day begin to blur as I change shape.

Fur envelops me, and I stretch out on all fours.

The sofa is soft beneath my paws. My mate’s scent fills the air, so sweet I want to roll around in it.

My stomach growls. I am hungry. Want to eat.

Hunt. But first, sleepy… I squeak out a yawn, the muscles in my jaw popping.

Closing my eyes, I lay my head on my paws. Sleep first, then food.

Mate chuckles. “Good, pet. You rest. I will get us some food.”

He touches me between my ears. Mate’s hand is warm and soft. My ears flick. He laughs, and my tail thumps at the sound.

I sleep.

“Jamie? I made… well, it’s something, at least.”

When I open my eyes, I realize I’ve shifted back to my human form at some point. Anders was right—shifting did help. The disaster that was this morning feels distant, like it happened to someone else. Still upsetting, but my head isn’t fogged anymore.

The room smells like steak, and my stomach roars.

Anders joins me on the couch just as I sit up. Wrapping an arm around me, he scoots close so our thighs are touching. In his lap, he balances a plate full of thinly cut pieces of the sirloin I bought.

“Wow, that looks great!” My mate sure can sear up a decent steak dinner.

Anders huffs. “Wanted to go hunting, but there’s nothing to hunt around here, so I had to use your stove. It’s not as fresh as it would be if I’d caught it myself, but this still counts as hunting,” he says, glaring at me, daring me to challenge him.

“Hey, I didn’t say anything.”

With a pleased little smile, he picks up a bite-sized piece of steak. I open my mouth and let him feed me. It tastes really good. The outside is a nice brown, and the inside is buttery soft and juicy. I moan my approval as I chew.

“More?” Anders grabs another piece.

I frown. “What about Jace?”

“I brought him a plate. He’s watching television in his room. He is safe. Eat, pet.”

I should go check on him… but the scent of the steak is too tempting to resist. When I part my lips, Anders feeds me another bite. Once I’ve swallowed, I say, “What about you?”

“I ate some while I cooked. Don’t worry about me. Eat.”

My cheeks flush. I feel bad for letting him take care of me like this. “Anders—”

A low growl rumbles in his chest. Sighing, I eat another bite.

Okay, it’s not exactly torture to let my hot boyfriend nurture me.

Have I ever let anyone look after me like this?

I search my memories but come up empty-handed.

I always took care of the guys I dated—bought them dinner, took them out, let them spill their sorrows to me.

I never asked for anything in return. I’ve never let myself be this vulnerable with another person before.

Anders’s forest-green gaze never strays from me. He’s utterly attentive as he nourishes my body with his home-cooked meal and my battered soul with the warmth of his body blanketed against mine.

Fuck. What have I done to deserve this? Nothing.

“Think I’m full,” I say, unable to eat any more with this painful lump in my throat. I want to go bury myself under my blankets and just lie there, not even to sleep.

Anders puts the plate on the coffee table and licks his fingers clean of any steak residue. Closing my eyes, I lean back against his arm, and he tucks his other arm around my waist. Leaning in, he touches his forehead to mine.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday today?”

My eyes snap open. Wetting my lips, I drop my gaze to my lap. “How’d you know?”

“The lad mentioned it when I brought him dinner. He said that you don’t usually celebrate. Is that true?”

I nod.

“Why don’t you let anyone celebrate?”

Screwing my eyes shut against the rising tide of painful memories, I say, “Because it’s not a day worth celebrating.”

Anders runs his hand up and down my thigh. “Why would you think that?”

I really don’t want to do this… but I have to. I’ve told my friends, but I’ve never told any of the guys I’ve dated. Never trusted anyone enough to let them see me at my lowest.

I’ve never loved a man enough to open up like this.

Not like I love him.

“When I turned eighteen…” I pause to take in a breath.

Reaching out, I touch Anders’s face, running my thumb over his cheekbone.

Touching him grounds me, reminds me I’m not alone.

“My parents wanted to take me out to dinner at our favorite restaurant to celebrate. Jace had a cold, so he had to stay home. Dad let me drive his car. I was so excited because I’d just earned my license.

My parents were proud of me, I think. Well, Mom was a little nervous.

She kept reminding me to keep my eyes on the road. I did.”

I swallow hard.

“The light was yellow. I usually stop for those, just to be safe, but we were running late for dinner. I thought I had time to make it. It was dumb. It was just some stupid dinner reservations. I should have waited, I—”

“Pet. What happened next?” Anders squeezes my shoulder.

“Th-this drunk guy in a pickup truck came in barreling in from my right just as I reached the intersection.”

I’ll never forget the way mom screamed seconds before he slammed into her side of the vehicle. Glass had exploded around us, metal shrieking as it bent and snapped. The collision knocked my head into the window, and I passed out.

When I woke up, my normal life was gone. I was in a hospital bed, hooked up to tubes and wires. I had a concussion. Broken ribs. A jagged scar across my hip where shrapnel had sliced into me.

The doctor came in and told me the words that tore my world to shreds.

Mr. Sullivan, I’m so sorry. Both your parents were killed.

She told me my mom died the moment the car struck her side of the vehicle. It was quick. Painless. My father clung on just long enough to get to the hospital but died before they could treat his wounds.