Page 79 of Sway’s Peace (Delivery Service #2)

His voice was hard. Tight. Waiting for condemnation.

Grace kissed his forehead. “I understand.”

He finally lifted his head, frowning at her. “You understand?”

She nodded, giving him a gentle smile and repeated, a bit more firmly. “I understand. As terrible as it sounds, people can build up a tolerance to even the worst things. If it doesn’t leave you scarred, it can leave you numb. And I understand. I really do.”

Sway blinked at her once, staring for a long moment, before his expression relaxed.

He didn’t smile at her, but he lost some of the tension fluffing his feathers.

“I’m haunted by the memories of my past. Not because I can’t handle them, but because I feel like I have to feel guilty, and I don’t.

That part of me was lost in Rik-Vane. I think, by trying to reclaim my pacifism, I was trying to revive that part of myself.

“I never demanded that Tanin allow me a life of non-violence when I joined him. If he had just offered me escape, I might have gone with him anyway. He’s the one who made that offer to me. And I took it, thinking it was something I should do.

“But I’ve struggled with it. With the ideal. With the concept. I’ve only hurt those I absolutely had to since Tanin made me that promise, and I haven’t killed anyone. But it weighed on me. Not the act of being a pacifist. It was the hypocrisy.”

Grace cocked her head curiously. Staring at him as his face tightened. He was staring at her chest, but he was looking through her. Seeing only his own thoughts and memories. His grip on her waist tightening as he talked through his epiphany.

“I killed so many people. I hurt all of them first. In… unspeakably cruel ways. Please, don’t think I’m exaggerating, Grace, when I tell you that I am not a good male.

The things I’ve done are certainly enough to earn me death.

And the only mitigating circumstance is that all the people I killed were denizens of Rik-Vane.

Males and females just as guilty and horrid as myself.

Though, really, considering all the things I did to them, does it even matter?

“Calling myself a pacifist was a joke,” he hissed, his tone full of malice and self-hatred.

“A pathetic one. I wasn’t being a pacifist. I was being a coward who refused to fight alongside my brothers who were all putting their lives on the line for our dream.

I was being a fool who would rather delude myself than face the truth.

And worst of all, I was being a hypocrite.

I was not only watching and approving of others around me doing those violent things yet still claiming to be a pacifist, but I was simply not a pacifist. A pacifist doesn’t just refuse to engage in violence.

They’re supposed to actively disagree with it.

Believe it to be pointless if not outright detrimental.

Yet, I would claim the belief only because I thought I should. I am not a pacifist. I never was.”

Grace didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

Only holding onto him as Sway caught his breath from the long rant.

A diatribe filled with vitriol, all of it aimed at himself.

He’d come in contact with true farasie, ‘real’ pacifists, and not only had they hated him and everything he did, but they showed him how ignorant he was in his beliefs.

But…

“If you ask me, you’re a better pacifist than all of them.”

Sway’s head jerked upright. Staring at her like she had just started speaking in tongues. The shocked disbelief that she could say something so stupid made her laugh.

“Let me be clear,” she said, cradling his head in her hands. “You are not a pacifist. Not by a long shot. But you know what? Neither were they.”

“That’s…” He stared at her, blinking fast. Trying to understand what she was saying, and not quite accomplishing it.

Because what was she talking about? Of course they were pacifists. They were farasie! Everyone knew that farasie were pacifists!

“Most farasie are real pacifists,” she said, smiling.

“I’ve seen some. Not a lot. Your kind doesn’t like to leave their planet.

Not because it’s necessarily dangerous out here and you have no way to defend yourself, but because the universe really is much more dangerous and violent than your home planet, and they can’t stomach it.

“Maybe farasie really are genetically predisposed to non-violence. I’ve seen stranger things.

It could definitely be true. I don’t know enough about farasie DNA – or DNA at all – to say whether its true or not.

But what I do know is that your people are kind.

They’re giving. They’re understanding. Seeing or being near violence is likely to make them ill.

Just like you said. They would never hurt another.

But more than that, they would never allow another to come to harm based on their inaction.

Being a pacifist isn’t about just being non-violent.

It’s about being protective, defending against violence, even if it’s not from you. ”

The tension had faded from Sway’s face. Now, he was looking at her with open eyes. Like he was absorbing everything she was saying. Drinking it all down and incorporating it into his very being as some kind of heavenly truth.

Grace leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose. “Veesway couldn’t create his Song on your home planet, because the things he did, the way he behaved, makes him a true hypocrite.”

“He was non-violent.”

“But he employed others to be violent in his stead. To a farasie, to the real pacifists of your kind, that would be the same as violence from their own hands.”

“He chose exile over any other punishment.”

“Which meant throwing you, or me, or Loyalty, into a situation where we were likely to be killed. It might not be a traditional weapon, but it was still definitely a weapon. He wielded the wild against us and claimed that meant he was innocent because he had no control over the beasts and the elements. But if you set off a bomb, you aren’t just responsible for the initial blast. You’re also to blame all the damage that may have resulted from it. ”

“Even at the end, he wouldn’t fight back against me. Even when I was harming him.”

“No. But he still expected others to do it for him. Your father might not have committed the crimes you did, but that doesn’t mean he’s a pacifist. If you ask me, you’re a far better pacifist than him.”

“How?” He breathed, the word harsh and desperate. Like he needed to hear her reasoning. And more than that, he needed to be able to agree with it.

“Your crimes are certainly worse than your fathers,” Grace said slowly, trying to explain what she was feeling correctly.

“I don’t think I can compare that. But that’s exactly why you’re better than him.

It’s easy for him to claim he doesn’t hurt anyone.

Because he’s never been in a position where he had to.

He has never been forced to choose between his life or another’s.

He’s still in a position where, if he tried, he’d get sick.

Like a proper farasie. It’s easy to not succumb to something if it literally makes you sick, right?

“But you? You’re perfectly capable of violence. I would even say that it’s easy for you. Maybe even second nature.”

He made a face. “That’s really not an unfair assessment.”

She giggled. His reaction was funny. Like his lack of guilt was a mild inconvenience.

“You can do violence, but you choose not to. You could be much crueler, much more destructive. You could have made the choice to kill him, and no one could have stopped you. But you made the choice not to. For you, pacifism isn’t something you’re forced to do because your nature demands it anymore.

That’s like praising you for being vegetarian.

You don’t have a choice in that, and he doesn’t have a choice in his pacifism. ”

“That’s…” He started, but his voice trailed off.

“And if you look past the pacifism part,” she continued, “you’re just a better person. A better male. You would never command someone to do something you yourself wouldn’t do. And you wouldn’t turn your back on your family just like that.”

A strange look crossed Sway’s face, and his hands tightened on her. “Never.”

A delicious shiver went up her spine at that simple but firm statement. She hadn’t needed to specify him cutting off their own younglings. He knew exactly what she meant, and that icy cold look in his eyes left no doubt that he meant it.

“See?” She smiled, running her fingers down the slope of his neck. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re a much better male than him.”

Sway let out a quick breath of amusement as he returned his head to her chest. Resting against her as he held her close.

She hesitated, unease eating her up inside. She didn’t want to continue. To showcase her own insecurities. But she had to make sure. She had to know.

“I’m sorry,” she started slowly, petting the soft feathers of his shoulder. “That it didn’t work out with your father, I mean.”

He made a noncommittal sound but didn’t expand further on the thought. Which only made her nerves ratchet up in intensity.

“You looked happy in the Song,” she continued.

“I was,” he admitted without lifting his head. “It was nice to be among my own kind. To hear the music of my people.”

“Right. And meet your father. Learn what happened to him and your mother. That must be a weight off your mind. To know, I mean.”

“I would be lying if I said it wasn’t,” he agreed.

“It probably would have ended up being one of those questions that just lingered in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. Maybe even something that would have become more of a bother as I got older. At least I can say I know the answer for certain now.”

“Yeah,” she mumbled nervously. “You, er… Are you going to regret it? Or maybe wish you had a chance to have that again?”

He couldn’t have missed the way she shifted her weight on his lap. Or the wavering in her tone. He lifted his head back up, giving her a searching look. He answered more slowly this time, staring at her face as he responded.

“I suppose it’s something I’ll have to live with. No sense in missing something that was never really mine to begin with.”

“Yeah, right. But, I mean, it’s okay to long for what you can’t have. Right? I mean. These were your people. This was your culture.”

“What are you asking me, Grace?”

“I guess, I’m just a little worried that… maybe… it won’t be… enough. For you…”