Page 71 of Sway’s Peace (Delivery Service #2)

Loyalty’s grin grew.” They aren’t monsters, right?

That’s just what I’m calling them because that’s how I see them.

But can’t I say the same about them? They’re calling me a monster because that’s how they see me.

And sure, public opinion probably agrees with them more than me, but not to the people whose opinions I actually care about.

“Besides,” he chuckled, “what’s so bad about being their monster anyway?”

Sway’s heart skipped a beat. “What?”

Loyalty leaned back, the glow from his quills intensifying with the pressure.

“These kinds of people are the worst kind. Disloyal. Hypocritical. Cruel. If I am to be a monster, I’d rather be their monster.

A monster against those who would hurt and exile the people that really matter to me.

And so what if I’m a monster? It’s better to be a monster. No one can hurt those I love.”

So what if he was a monster…

The words rang out in Sway’s head, like they’d struck a particularly loud and resonant bell, sending waves through him.

So what if he was a monster?

Tanin and Vytln and Sorbet, Tebros. His brothers never once apologized for the things they did.

For the people they hurt. Rok and Trove never bemoaned those they harmed while protecting others.

Even Alred, for all that he was a computer program, was just as much of a killer as the others. Just as much of a monster.

They didn’t try to deny it. They didn’t try to resist it.

Sure, Tanin had a rule against killing without permission, but that wasn’t because he had some kind of moral hesitancy against killing. It was only because if they were out here committing murders as they pleased, it would be harder to maintain their freedom.

But it was always an option. It was always a tool for them to grab when necessary.

They were monsters.

And his brothers.

He had been hiding behind their monstrosity.

Using them as weapons to maintain his pacifism exactly as Veesway used the domini and their justifications of exile and death by nature.

He didn’t try to stop them. He didn’t claim to be superior to his crew for not murdering others, and he felt absolutely no qualms about them doing so.

Sway had been clinging to the idea of pacifism.

Not because any part of him still believed in it, but because it was the only part of his old identity he could reclaim.

His parents, his past, his body, even his name – all of that was lost. Eefwan the innocent would never again walk this world.

Trying to reclaim his pacifism was a fool’s errand.

One Tanin offered him, and one he accepted, for the sole reason that they thought it was what he should want.

But what if he were a monster?

What if he didn’t try to pretend to be something he wasn’t?

What if, instead of using his brothers as a shield, he fought beside them?

Better to be a monster against his enemies, than a burden on his family.

If he was a monster, if he had no concern for others, none of this would have happened.

He wouldn’t have let the lies about Loyalty’s ‘hunting trip’ fool him for so long.

He wouldn’t have put himself in a situation where Grace could be taken from him.

He wouldn’t be sitting out here in a burrow, wallowing in self-pity.

Because the truth was, Sway already was a monster. It wasn’t an identity he needed to create; it was one he needed to stop denying.

He’d made himself into one to survive. He’d fed that beast on blood and souls to protect himself, then denied it completely when he tried to be something he wasn’t.

And that’s why the memories hounded him.

He felt no guilt for the lives he took. He wasn’t haunted by the nightmares of his trauma.

He was weighed down by the simple act of denying his true self and pretending that he could be innocent again.

The guilt wasn’t of his past, it was of forcing his brothers to act to protect him without doing the same in turn.

Sway was a monster. He’d been forced to become one, but it was a title that he shouldn’t deny in forced shame.

Accept it, Loyalty said. Not because he believed he was a monster, but because the world was determined to label him as one. And if all they wanted to see was a monster, then he would be one that protected those he loved and no one else.

Accept it.

For the first time in years, the distant echoes of screams finally started to fade. Sway felt like he could think clearly. And as the acceptance finally pieced together shards of himself that he had broken with his own foolish stubbornness, the guilt faded.

Not guilt born from the things he’d done. Nor from being a shame to his father. The guilt that had been eating him all these years was for the way he treated his family. For the way he hung onto them and refused to do what they had already been doing, acting like he was better than them somehow.

Tanin offered him the reprieve from violence.

He did so because he thought it would be what Sway wanted.

And Sway accepted it, thinking it was what he should want.

But that was a lie he’d been telling himself all this time.

One that had placed a burden on the males he claimed to want to support.

He wasn’t uncomfortable with who he had become, he was uncomfortable with who he had been pretending to be.

And as those feelings faded, as his thoughts cleared, he could finally make out the truth of his emotions.

The only guilt remaining was that for Grace. Because his female was stolen from him, threatened, and he was sitting here, pouting in a hole instead of being what she needed.

A monster.

“We need to go back,” he said, getting to his feet.

For the first time in too long, his body felt light. Yet, somehow, inexplicably stronger. Like he was aware of every tense muscle. Each fiber of which was ready and willing to fire off, to fight. A body crafted into a weapon that he’d been ignoring, pretending it was a harmless toy.

He rose into himself, and it was a comfortable feeling.

“Go back?” Loyalty frowned, watching as he walked to the front of the burrow and looked out into the bright, golden forest. But he made no attempt to stand. “Why?”

“We have to get Grace,” Sway answered immediately.

They hadn’t traveled far from the city. It wouldn’t take long to return.

If he timed it right, they could arrive before it got dark.

He could hide in the night, but Loyalty couldn’t.

If he wanted to successfully break into the city, he either needed to do it stealthily or as loud as possible. He wasn’t sure which would-

“But why ?” Loyalty asked again. Sounding even more confused. “She’s safe where she is. They’re not going to hurt her. We can just grab her when they exile her. What’s the point in going in after her when they’ll just send her straight to us if we wait?”

Sway turned, giving him a pleasant smile. “Because that’s what a monster would do.”