Page 20 of Sway’s Peace (Delivery Service #2)

“That’s an odd thing to say.”

“Huh?”

Sway gave her a searching look. “You don’t like being in an administrative role. And that’s fine. It doesn’t make you ungrateful because you don’t like it. And even if it did, why must that be a condemnation of you?”

“I…” She blinked a few times. Like the thought never even occurred to her.

“You don’t have to be grateful for something to appreciate its worth. And just because something has value doesn’t mean it’s something you want. You can be ungrateful without it meaning that you think there’s something wrong with what you have.”

Sway grappled with his own inherent, primitive need to survive and the horror of what it took to live almost every day of his life.

Back when he had been under the Master’s control, there’d been days he’d struggled so hard just to keep living but still hated every time that he’d open his eyes in the morning.

He wanted to die but couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He wanted to live, but there was nothing to appreciate about his life.

Hating and wanting to live was a terrible combination. He’d certainly not been grateful, even as he did whatever was necessary to keep on living. Because living had an inherent value that he continued to seek and exploit, even as he wished desperately for it to be otherwise.

And the reverse was also true. There were times he’d been grateful towards the Master for sparing him.

For not hurting him as much as he could.

For letting him live. Times when the sick feeling of gratitude sat like toxic sludge in his gut.

He hated himself for that gratitude, but he’d still feel that way.

Gratitude was not always an indicator for how much you appreciated something. Sway knew that better than most.

But the way Grace said it, the weight she’d unintentionally placed on the words, told him that her lack of gratitude had been used against her as a weapon. She’d not been grateful for something she didn’t want, and that had been a crime to someone else.

Grace lowered her eyes, cheeks pink, though it didn’t look like pleasure this time. She wasn’t even playing with her food now. She’d put her hands in her lap, her shoulders hunched inward. Like she was embarrassed. Or ashamed.

And he hated that he put that look on her face.

“I’m sorry,” Sway said, crest flat against his head. “I did not mean to assume… That is, it wasn’t my intention to talk like I know what you’re going through.”

She shook her head, fixing a smile back on her face. But it didn’t reach her eyes, and she didn’t lift them to look at him again.

“I’m not upset. No one has ever…” She hesitated, biting her lip before continuing in a soft voice.

“To tell you the truth, that’s not why I left Earth.

I mean, it is true. I was trying to get away from a life spent decaying in an office building, holding meetings no one cared about, signing papers that held little real meaning, never doing anything fun or interesting with my life.

But that’s not the real reason. I could have quit my job.

I could have found adventure on Earth if I tried.

If I’m being honest, the reason I left was because of my family. ”

Sway tilted his head. Trying to look into her eyes. His fingers twitched with the urge to pull her into his arms, onto his lap, and run his fingers through her hair, preening her until that sad look vanished and she was smiling at him again.

“Did your family want you in the administrative role?”

“No. I mean, kind of. My dad was a career politician, and my mom came from old money. We were a very upright and upstanding family. Never did anything wrong. Always perfect. At least, from the outside. It didn’t matter how rotten things were behind closed doors, so long as we looked perfect.

And my parents were perfect. Their son went to law school.

Daughter got an art degree. Son was set to follow in dad’s footsteps.

Daughter was expected to have a job only until the moment she found a husband – a mate – that she could then focus on to help further his career.

Like her mom, she was expected to stop working and became the perfect trophy wife.

That was my life. All laid out in front of me. Nice and neat.”

“And you wished to escape that future?”

She chuckled once. “Funny enough… no. I honestly didn’t mind.

I wanted adventure. I wanted to explore.

But we were wealthy. I could do a bunch of exploring before I got married.

And even afterwards, the perfect family takes vacations.

The rich ones do it multiple times a year.

I could still have my fun. If I really wanted that life. ”

“So, what made you run? What drove you all the way out here?”

She winced. “I couldn’t take the criticism anymore.”

“Criticism?”

She nodded sadly. “My brother was perfect. The golden child of the family. He could do no wrong – even if he had just done wrong. They covered for him so many times. He had his future laid out and he was damn well going to get it.

“But me? I was never good enough. My mom was in charge of raising me to be a perfect lady, and she never failed to find something wrong with me. I could never do anything right. I was never skinny enough or pretty enough or smart enough. If I did manage to do something right, I was condemned for making my brother feel bad in comparison. Or I should have done more. Or my peers had done it better. There was always something . I just couldn’t take it anymore.

When I applied to be part of the lunar experiments, I didn’t really think I’d get picked.

But when I did, when I spent a year away from my parents, not constantly hearing how unacceptable I was, I couldn’t go back.

I just couldn’t bear hearing it all again. So, I took my chance, and I left.”

The way she said it, it was like she still expected criticism for the choice.

There was no pride or confidence in her voice.

She’d done something for herself, then told everyone it was about wanting adventure, because that was easier than explaining that she’d run away.

She felt shame for putting herself first, because that’s what she had been taught.

Even if no one would tell her she was wrong, she still told herself.

She might be away from those people, but she hadn’t escaped them. The memories were still clinging to her brain.

And Sway understood that as well.

Reaching across their little table, he took her face in his hands and forced her to look up. She didn’t resist at all. But the look she gave him was so open and vulnerable. Like she genuinely expected him to criticize her now. Because someone had to do it, right?

“You’re good enough,” Sway promised her.

“You’re more than good enough. Look how far you’ve come.

Look at all these things you’ve accomplished.

Even if you don’t feel good enough for yourself yet, know that you are far and away better than anything I’d ever consider ‘enough’.

You are incredible, Grace, and I am so glad you had the courage to ask me out tonight. ”

She blinked at him, a stunned gleam in her eyes that she quickly concealed behind her lids before they could transform into tears. But he’d seen it. That spark of hope and joy and relief. An escape from the bad thoughts that haunted her mind, even if it was only temporary.

And he knew he couldn’t give her up.