Page 54 of Sway’s Peace (Delivery Service #2)

“When I was with the Master, before I was officially his assistant, when it was me and the other younglings just trying to survive, I made the decision that I would do whatever it took to live. No matter how cruel or evil I had to be, I wanted to live. So… I did. When the Master made me hurt others, I did it. I tried everything to keep them alive if I could. To save their lives too. Even when they begged me for death, I would keep them alive. It was all I wanted, so that’s what I thought they would want too.

Even if they didn’t admit it at the time.

That’s how I earned my name. Eefwan the Pacifist. It wasn’t just a nod to me being a farasie.

It was the fact that I tortured and maimed so many, and yet did my best to keep them alive as long as possible through it all.

It’s an ironic name. A condemnation. In a way, on Rik-Vane, I was considered more cruel, more sadistic, for not allowing people to die. ”

Grace didn’t say anything. She kept her face impassive as she listened.

It wasn’t an easy story to hear. It hurt her heart to listen to him describe something so horrible.

Not just because he was telling her all the things he’d done either.

It wasn’t a small pill to swallow to know that the guy she was interested in had such a dark, wicked past. She couldn’t be proud of him for hurting people.

She couldn’t be happy that he was someone who knew how to torture and maim and agonize.

Even as she was grateful he survived, she could still be uneasy with everything he had to do to make that happen.

She would forgive him for it, but that didn’t make it comfortable.

But more than that, she could hear what he wasn’t saying.

How he’d had to hurt and cut off parts of himself in order to turn himself into this.

Sway wouldn’t have taken this path in life if he hadn’t been forced onto it.

That didn’t forgive the things he did, of course.

It could only explain them. But under it all, he had been a child forced to become ruthless to survive.

She was grateful for his fortitude, she was uncomfortable with his choices, and she was sad for the youngling he once had been.

She wouldn’t offer him pity. He clearly didn’t want that. But she could listen without judgement or condemnation as he continued speaking. Telling her things about himself like he was draining the pus from an infected abscess.

“The Master would torment me when I was younger. He liked to force me to eat meat to see what would happen. He once plucked all my feathers to document the results. He forced himself on me. I took it because it kept me alive. I didn’t enjoy it, but I can’t say that I didn’t agree to it.

It was easier than the torment at least.”

Grace frowned. “You mean, he…”

“He wasn’t the only one.” Sway shrugged.

“Sex was as much a commodity on Rik-Vane as anything else. Even more in some ways. I fucked people for my meals. For my safety. I let someone fuck me for a warm place to sleep once. Trove fucked people for our freedom, if you want to think of it like that. I know that you, and others, would consider those things to be assault. But to me, to us, it was just a normal part of life. Violence and sex and death were all the same thing to me. Maybe that was why I was never interested in it before.”

“I see,” she muttered. Not entirely sure she did see.

Trying to separate the ideas of love making and rape and the simple, physical act of sex was hard.

They were all twisted up together in a way that made them nearly impossible to separate mentally.

Like trying to separate the concepts of heat and the sun or water and wet. The things were inextricably linked.

But not for Sway. To him, sex was just a bodily function.

Like sneezing. She couldn’t imagine sex being stripped away to its absolute most basic like that.

Removing all emotion and association and context until making love was no different from rape and vice versa.

Both were sex. Penis, hole. That’s it. There wasn’t even a need for two words.

At least, to Sway, that’s how it must seem.

However, as Grace struggled to wrap her mind around such a hard and, frankly, appalling concept, it did drive another point home to her.

“You don’t think of violence the way your people do. Do you?” She asked.

Sway shook his head immediately, not even needing to think about what she meant.

“I am trying to reclaim my pacifism. I want to be that person again. But the truth is, I don’t avoid my bad thoughts because they hurt me.

I avoid them because they don’t. I think that must mean that there’s something wrong with me.

But if you were to ask if I felt bad or regretful or sick about what I did to your boss, the honest answer is that I don’t.

I had to stop myself from doing more. And even if I had done more, I wouldn’t have cared. I owe you an apology.”

Of all the ways Grace expected him to end that statement, that wasn’t one she would have ever imagined. It confused her.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I feel like I’ve been dishonest to you again.

I told you that I was a murderer. But I allowed you to think that it was out of reluctance.

Out of force. Grace, we… I am not a good person.

” He looked her right in the eye as he said it.

Letting her see, in full force, up close, the cold depths of his black eyes.

The look he gave the world without even his false smile to soften the blow.

“I wish I could tell you that I’m redeemable.

I wish I could tell you that my bad thoughts are bad because they weigh on my soul.

But they don’t. And I don’t think that’s just a result of living on Rik-Vane.

Fundamentally, I think there has to be something wrong with me.

Whatever you might think, Grace, whatever justification you try to make for me – don’t. I am a monster.”

She didn’t respond immediately. She stared back at him in silence for a long minute before asking in a soft tone, “Why are you trying to practice your pacifism again?”

“Because I don’t want to be a monster,” he said immediately, no hesitation.

“That was never my goal. I hurt people, but I didn’t like doing it.

When I joined with Tanin, I did it under the promise that I would be able to become a pacifist again.

A proper one. Not the ironic one I was dubbed.

I feel like I have to try. Like I owe it to myself to be something more than a monster. ”

She chuckled once. “You can say all that, and think you’re a monster? Sway, monsters know that they’re monsters, and they don’t care. That’s what makes them monsters. You’re a person who’s done bad things, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

Sway laughed. “I think, actually, it does. And a lot of people would disagree with you.”

“Okay,” she admitted with a grimace. “That’s probably true.

But! You’re not a monster to me. I like you just the way you are,” she admitted, her face burning as she stared at his chest, suddenly finding it hard to look him in the eye.

“And, selfishly, I kind of like that you look at me different. I like that, to you, I’m worth seeing in a different light than the rest of the world.

Is that bad of me? I don’t want to share your good side with anyone else. I want to keep it all to myself.”

“Grace…” Sway stared at her, like he was stunned by the admission.

“Sway.” She stood straight, taking a fortifying breath. “Will you be my mate?”

For a second that seemed to take an eternity to pass, Sway was motionless, stiff, in her arms. Then, with a strangled sound, he broke. Throwing his arms around her, he squeezed her close, his face buried in her neck.

“Yes,” he groaned, trembling in her arms. “Yes.”

Grace, her heart pounding so hard it hurt and stole her breath, let out a single laugh of relief, as she twisted her arms around his neck. That short breath turned into a single giggle, then an eruption of excited laughter.

She couldn’t believe she’d just asked him that!

And she couldn’t believe he’d said yes!