Page 37 of Soft Rebound (Mad City Moments #2)

Joe

T hese past three months with Liz have been the happiest I’ve ever been.

She and I have spent every night together ever since that thing with Bobby.

We vacillate between our two apartments, but Bobby lives with Liz now, and we make sure we’re at her place when she knows he’ll be home so we can all have dinner together, watch some TV, and just joke around.

On the weekends, we run errands and do laundry and cook and fuck.

We also go out with Bobby and Trey, and sometimes with Roxie and her friends.

During the week, we stay in and fuck some more.

I feel like I’m seventeen again and finally have the dream girl who wants to have as much sex as I do—smoking hot and willing to climb me at a moment’s notice.

And it’s fun. Everything we do is fun. Cooking together is fun. Watching TV with Bobby is fun. So fun I wish I never had to leave.

****

M y ex-brother-in-law Lance is in town this week for work, and he sent me several text messages saying that he wanted to meet.

I don’t know what’s so urgent this time—he’s already told me about Kim’s engagement.

Maybe she’s gotten married already, which I suppose is fine.

She hasn’t been on my mind at all. I’ve been so wrapped up in Liz, I honestly don’t think or care about anything else.

“Look at you, smiling to yourself. It’s adorable,” Lance says as he approaches my table. He wraps me in a half bro hug, the kind where one arm goes over the shoulder and ends with a slap on the back. “Good to see you, man.”

“Good to see you, too,” I say. “How’ve you been?”

Lance takes off his suit jacket and puts it on an empty chair next to us.

The suit is expensive and fits him well, and the accents on his tie perfectly match the shirt.

These are clothes his wife helped him pick, and I feel a faint tug in my gut, because that’s what Kim used to do for me.

Whatever little I know about fashion, I learned from her.

“I’ve been good,” Lance says. “You know, same old. Work, family. The usual.” He grabs the pitcher before me. “What are we having?”

“It’s Fat Squirrel, a local brew. One of my favorites.”

“Hmm. I’m not sure I want a beer.” He raises his hand to try and summon the waitress.

I feel a flash of irritation. He’s just left me to finish the whole pitcher on my own. Granted, I didn’t know exactly what he would drink, but I’ve known him a long time, and beer is what he goes with.

“Since when do you not want a beer?”

“Sarah doesn’t want me to.” He pats himself on the belly.

I look at Lance a little closer. Immaculately dressed, he does seem to be thinner and more tan than I remember, and his hair is freshly trimmed.

“You look good,” I say.

“Yeah, thanks. Sarah wants me in tip-top shape.”

“That sounds exhausting,” I say and take a sip of my beer.

“Well, you just have to commit to a regimen.”

I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Dude, I remember you waking up from a bender, squirting liquid cheese directly into your mouth, and calling it breakfast. That’s what I think of when you say you have a regimen.”

He frowns. “That was a long time ago.”

“Not that long ago,” I insist. “What’s going on?”

He looks to the side, then straight ahead, but doesn’t meet my eyes. “Sarah and I... Well, we’ve been better. We’re going to couples counseling. One of the things she said was that I wasn’t taking care of myself.”

I take a moment to process. “I’m sorry to hear that you two have problems,” I say. I really do feel bad for him.

“Yeah, well. It’s not something I want to advertise, you know?”

“I do. Better than most,” I say and I take a swig of my beer.

He’s eyeing my glass pretty lasciviously.

“Dude, if you want a beer, just get a beer. Sarah isn’t here.”

“I know. It’s like she lives in my head now. A tiny Sarah bobble head, shaking her finger at me and telling me it’s all going to go to my gut.” He takes a deep breath. “Fuck it. Pour me a glass.”

I pick up the pitcher and fill up his glass, which has stood empty and waiting. He grabs it and downs half of it in long, desperate gulps.

“I’m so sorry, man,” I say. “That really sucks.”

“You know, you and Kim not having kids might’ve been a blessing,” he says. “You were able to split and go your separate ways. I have to stay and go to counseling and never have a beer anymore.”

I swallow hard. For a few moments, neither of us speaks. “Lance, dude, I don’t know enough about what’s going on, but I am not sure resenting your spouse is a good thing, kids or no kids.”

He shrugs. “Gotta try to make it work.” He rolls his glass between his fingers. The amber liquid sloshes within. “But enough about me. What’s new with you? You look ten years younger than the last time I saw you..”

“Yeah. Life’s been good.” I grin.

He rolls his eyes. “Are you gonna go all cryptic on me? What’s going on?”

“There’s a woman,” I say. “That time when you stood me up, last August?” Lance’s eyes widen. “Yeah, I ended up meeting a woman at the bar.”

“Wow, that was almost a year ago,” he says.

“We haven’t been together the whole time,” I say, “but it’s good, man. Really good. Like, maybe it’s the forever kind of good, you know?”

“Yeah, I know how that feels,” he says and throws back another large gulp. “I definitely thought that of Sarah before we got married, and had kids, and now she says she doesn’t want to touch me because I have a gut.”

I sit back. “Dude.”

“I know, I know. You and your lady will beat the odds and stay blissfully happy forever. Not like you know better how things can go to shit.”

I think I’ve just about lost my patience with whatever this is.

“I don’t have time for this, Lance, so let’s cut to the chase.

What’s this about? You’re the one who texted me five times about meeting here.

Is this what you wanted to talk about? You and Sarah?

Because you’re being a real dick about it and making it hard to hear you. Or sympathize.”

He exhales loudly, his shoulders slumping. Suddenly he seems weary. “I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I reach out and briefly squeeze his forearm. “I just don’t understand what’s going on.”

“I know. I know. Look—” He pins me in place with his stare. His eyes are intense but deeply sad. “Kim is pregnant.”

****

K im is pregnant .

He should have just punched me in the chest. It would have hurt less.

It would have hurt less than feeling my lungs are in an iron cage, like there’s no air around me, like there would never be air around me ever again.

Kim, who said she never wanted children, who was so relieved when she miscarried years ago. Kim, whose relief spelled the end of our marriage.

That Kim. My Kim.

She didn’t not want children. She just didn’t want them with me.

Oh God.

Oh God, I think I’m gonna be sick.

“Joe, you okay?” Lance reaches out to grab me by the forearm. “You look like you’re gonna pass out.”

“Kim is having a baby.”

“Yes.”

“With the new guy.”

“Well, he’s not that new, but yeah. You know they got engaged last year. They were going to marry this summer, but Kim doesn’t want to look fat.”

“How far along is she?”

“Almost six months.”

Now I have to know everything. I’m so angry and so hurt and it’s like I’ve had this huge, gruesome, festering wound that has finally crusted over, and now Lance came and ripped off the scab and all the blood and puss are spilling out again, and I don’t know how to stop them.

“So is it a boy or a girl?”

“Joe—”

“Might as well tell me. What are they gonna name it?”

“It’s a girl. Not sure about the first name. Middle name will be after Kim’s and my mom.”

“I bet your mom is very proud.”

Lance keeps looking at me with pity in his eyes. “You okay?”

“No, I’m not,” I somehow squeeze the words through my teeth.

“I’m not fucking okay, and you knew I wouldn’t be.

It’s like she’s giving me the middle finger all over again.

” I braid my fingers on top of my head and get up.

“God, this isn’t happening. I thought everything is going well, and then this . .. this shit again.”

“Joe,” Lance says. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you?”

“Why did you, Lance? Why did you tell me?”

“It’s better that you hear from me than someone else.”

“Who else would I hear from? I am not in contact with Kim or anyone else from that time. I left town. She got to keep all our friends, she got to keep the city. How the fuck would I even find out?”

Lance doesn’t have a retort.

“Did she tell you to tell me?”

“No, not really...”

“Did Sarah tell you to tell me?”

He nods.

“Sarah hates me. She’s 100% on Kim’s side.”

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“She fucking does. Why have I never been able to visit you at your home, Lance? I live an hour and a half away. I could’ve seen your kids once in the last three years, since Kim and I broke up. Not once, Lance. Not once did you invite me over.”

“I’m Kim’s brother. I have to be on her side.”

“And Sarah is Kim’s friend. So she’s on Kim’s side, too.”

He just lowers his eyes.

“Did Kim want me to hear she’s engaged? To hear she’s pregnant? She wanted to make sure I know she’s winning at moving on? That she never loved me? Because message received, loud and clear, Lance. Loud and clear.”

“Joe—”

I get up to leave. “I will settle the tab, don’t bother. Maybe I should send her and the lucky guy a wedding present. Or a baby shower gift. Or both.”

“I really didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Too late for that now. You know, Lance, I really thought you and I were solid. Apart from me and Kim. But I guess blood is thicker than water.

“I’m really sorry about Sarah and you. I really am.

I’m hoping you can patch things up, but let me tell you something—your having a gut is not the problem.

Maybe she doesn’t love you anymore, man.

Maybe you don’t love her. All I know is you shouldn’t torture each other.

It can’t be good for you, and it can’t be good for the kids. ”

I grab my jacket, put it on. “Give my best to Kim. And take care of yourself.

“Oh, and finish the pitcher. I can have beer anytime.”

****

I leave the bar and step into the still brisk air, feeling sick and dizzy. My heart hammers in my chest.

I stand in place, face turned toward the sky, and I breathe. Deeper and slower, for I don’t know how long, but I breathe. And breathe. And breathe.

And soon I feel good enough to walk away, but my chest and my gut are still clenched tight.

Because none of what I had with Kim was real.

Because she never really loved me. She never really loved me enough to want to have a child with me.

I feel ugly and worthless and small.

Because Lance and Sarah are in trouble.

Because there are no guarantees.

I’ve been happier in the last three months than I’d ever been before, but who’s to say it will last? Who’s to say it’s not an illusion?

Who’s to say that anyone stays with anyone anymore?

Goddamn Kim. And her baby daughter. And her new man.

Screw Kim. Screw Lance. Screw everyone.

****

I really want to see Liz tonight. I want her to wrap me in her scent and her softness and tell me everything will be all right.

But it’s not fair. It wouldn’t be fair.

I’m spinning.

I can’t stop spinning.

****

I know people don’t get to have closure.

I gave up a lot after breaking up with Kim. She got to keep the city we lived in and all our friends. I started anew, but that marriage of ours still looms large in my past, and apparently in my present.

I do something I hadn’t done since last year, since the last time I received Kim-related news from Lance.

I pull up Kim’s Facepalm profile. There are new pictures of her with her guy. Random vacation spots—sunsets, fruity cocktails, and navy-striped cardigans over sunburnt shoulders. Some pictures on a boat. Kim looks good. Happy.

What I’m waiting for is a pang of jealousy. Some feeling for the woman in the pictures. But there is nothing. She feels like a stranger.

I realize that whatever feeling it was that floored me when Lance told me the news isn’t really about Kim. Not anymore. Not in any real way.

Relief washes over me.

It’s really— finally —completely over. Kim is in the past.

The realization makes me feel better. Much, much better.

But not all the way better.

So I breathe. And I breathe some more.

I need to get my shit together before I can see Liz again. Completely together.

So I call Simone, my therapist. I’m not due to see her for another week, but I email to ask if there’s any chance she could squeeze me in tomorrow. She emails back surprisingly quickly and says I’m very lucky, she just got a cancellation ten minutes ago.

I take it as a sign.

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