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Page 23 of Soft Rebound (Mad City Moments #2)

I gasp in pretend horror and smack him on the shoulder.

He laughs, and we joke all the way up to the apartment.

By the time he leaves, I’ve settled on the couch with some snacks and a Netflix special, and I don’t think about texting Joe at all.

Almost. Well, not very much after the first two dozen times.

****

R oxie: How’s it going?

Liz: I’m okay. You? Did you have a nice evening?

Roxie: It was okay. Not a good place to pick up guys. Too many people from work

Liz: Yeah, that would suck

Roxie: So you and Joe Larson?

Liz: Yeah, I guess. For a minute. And it was nothing really

Roxie: Didn’t seem like nothing

You could cut pheromones with a knife

A stupid pheromone knife

Really just a butter knife that you can use to cut through pheromones and then also spread them on stuff

Would pheromones be tastier on white bread or whole grain?

Or maybe sourdough?

Liz: How much did you have to drink?

Roxie: Not much

This is just me

You’re witnessing my core dump

It’s not pretty

Liz: What’s a core dump?

Never mind, I’m googling

“any output of a large amount of raw data for further examination or other purposes”

Okay I get it

Roxie: thumbs up emoji

So you like him?

Liz: Joe? I don’t know

Roxie: Is he good in bed?

Liz: Uhm...

Roxie: Just say it. It’s not a big deal

Liz: Yes. He’s amazing. It’s been by far the best sex I’ve had

Not that I’ve been with many guys

But he just hits everything he needs to hit, you know

Roxie: laughing emoji Hell yeah, Joe Larson, Esquire can bring it!

Good for you, girl

And if it’s great, it’s great

You don’t need a lot of reference to recognize when something is great

Liz: It doesn’t matter now

He broke it off

Roxie: Why?

Liz: Cause I push him away

Roxie: Why do you?

Liz: Can we not, please? I had a heart-to-heart with my brother earlier this evening, and I don’t have it in me to do it again

Which ironically is what Joe said, that he didn’t have it in him to wait for me to stop pushing him away while I work through my shit

So now no more Joe’s dick

Man, I really got fond of it really fast

Roxie: Okay when you want to talk you know where to find me

In the meantime, I will get you some sex toys

Liz: I don’t want you to buy me sex toys

Roxie: I bet you don’t have any, do you?

Liz: No

Roxie: That’s what I thought

Look, having a couple of nice vibrators is a necessity

Consider it Single Girl Life 101

Giving yourself regular orgasms will prevent you from pursuing problematic dick

Or even unproblematic dick that wants too much too soon after you broke up with fiancé

Liz: That sounds like something I should pick out for myself

Roxie: And you will

I will get you started and then you will fly off on your own, like a little masturbating birdie

I wonder if there’s a bird-shaped vibrator thoughtful face emoji

But I should definitely get you the Rabbit

You will LOVE the Rabbit

Liz: blushing cheeks and wide eyes emoji

Okay

Thank you?

Roxie: Oh you will smiling devil face emoji

Mr Burns rubbing hands mischievously gif

****

B obby spends most of the weekend with Trey, and I have way too much time on my hands. I think about texting Joe many times, but I manage to stop myself.

I remember this is what I wanted, even though it feels like I’ve wronged him.

The need to apologize gnaws at me. This is something I’ve always done—managed the feelings of those around me, regardless of what I wanted or needed.

I feel a compulsion to do it again, even though I’m among people to whom I owe nothing, people on whom I don’t depend.

So instead of texting Joe to apologize—I’m not even sure what I would apologize for other than wanting space that I’d always claimed I wanted, or perhaps for my desires being misaligned with his own, which has hurt him—I clean and go shopping.

By the end of the day, my apartment is sparkling, I’ve got dinner in the oven, and enough produce in the fridge to cook through the rest of the week.

When Bobby packs up and leaves on Sunday, I can’t stop crying. He says he’ll be back again soon. I would like to think it’s because of me, but I know it’s because of Trey.

That’s okay. I will take any excuse to see my brother.

But as I watch Bobby’s truck vanish in the distance, I suddenly feel much lonelier than I had before his visit, and it takes everything in me not to text Joe, ask if I can come over.

Eventually, the urge passes. I feel proud of myself for resisting it, but I’m also sad because, deep down, I wanted to let myself cave.

I miss him already. So much.

And I’m still waiting to start missing Jake.

Perhaps it’s because I can’t recall anything about my ex-fiancé, not in any significant detail.

I can’t remember how he smiled or the distinct shades of his eyes or how his touch felt or how he smelled.

It’s like everything that he was in my mind has been flattened and bleached, reduced to a mark so faint it feels like it was left by an apparition, not a warm-bloodied man with whom I shared a bed for seven years.

How can someone leave such a faint imprint on one’s soul after so long while someone else leaves deep, bleeding grooves after only a few weeks?

??