Page 27 of Soft Rebound (Mad City Moments #2)

I really want to lean over and kiss her, but she sits there, still, very very still, the strain in her neck showing she’s not moving toward me on purpose, and that purpose keeps me in place, too.

“So you want it slow,” I say.

“Yes. We’ve just met.”

I smile. “Okay. So tell me a little bit about what you’ve been up to these past few months. How you like it at Qpik. That kind of stuff.”

Her neck and shoulders relax, and she tells me about her colleagues and the work she’s doing. I listen and nod, so happy that she seems happy here, content, and I feel calm and hopeful and more like myself than I have in months.

Before I know it, it’s quarter to 1:00 and I really have to leave.

We give each other a hug, only slightly longer than appropriate for the middle of the day in a busy cafeteria, but I don’t miss that she squeezes me really tight and there’s a barely audible sigh on her lips once she’s encircled in my arms, and— Fuck.

Me. —I really hope the slow isn’t too slow because I really don’t want to make a habit of going to client meetings with a raging hard-on.

I feel unusually grateful to the inventor of suit jackets.

****

J oe: So do you wanna get together for lunch or coffee or something else slowness appropriate

Liz: A snail race?

Watching paint dry?

Joe: Seriously now, I want to see you soon

Fully aware it might be the opposite of slow

Liz: I kinda want that too

Let’s get coffee before work tomorrow

Joe: This Saturday we can go have a decent breakfast

Go to the indoor Farmers Market

I admit I’m googling stuff to do in Madison in the winter

Liz: laughing crying emoji

Slow means we don’t have to do everything right away

Let’s meet for coffee tomorrow at Spill the Beans before work

My treat

Joe: Only if you let me get coffee the next day

Liz: You got it

****

A nd so we spend the next few weeks having coffee together every workday (except Monday, which is Roxie’s day). We text throughout the day, send each other memes and funny videos.

We go to the Farmer’s Market, have breakfast on Saturdays, watch movies, eat lunch.

There is no picking each other up involved, and we never do things after dark.

I brush her hair off her face and put my hand on the small of her back when we move through enclosed spaces.

We hug hello and kiss goodbye. Neither of us lingers. We’re going slow. The slowest.

Liz touches me a lot. Strokes my bicep, squeezes my hand. Hugs me quickly around the waist from the side, then lets go just as quickly.

It’s a bit torturous, going slow.

But I get to know everything about her.

For example, I’ve learned how she takes her coffee and how she likes her eggs. I know she’s probably the only person in the world who doesn’t like bacon and I pretend to break up with her over the fact.

I’ve learned how much she loves her brothers, even the older annoying one she calls Mickey, and her stories make me miss my own brother something fierce.

She tells me about her parents and the way she and her brothers grew up around the car repair business.

Her childhood was much more modest than mine, and she babysat for pocket money and helped out at her dad’s shop since she was very young.

She’s always wistful when she mentions her parents and I ask when she will go see them, and she says she’s not ready, because she knows they disapprove of her new life here.

She says she’s not strong enough not to cave under pressure when she’s face-to-face with them.

I tell her she’s strong enough, that she can do whatever she wants, and I think about my parents and how they’ve always, always had my and my brother’s back.

Liz tells me about office gossip and swears me to secrecy, which I have no problem with because I have no idea who any of the people involved are.

Her eyes sparkle with mischief because she knows gossiping is bad, but she can’t help it.

She isn’t mean about anyone, more like she’s delighted to learn about people’s little cracks in the facade, such as that rule enforcers often end up breaking the rules.

In those moments, she seems very young, younger than her age, and I feel old and weary.

I wonder if I am actually too old for her, if whatever life I used to live is already too much and has made me too jaded.

I remember my deepest depths of depression, how I wallowed after Kim and I had split, and I wonder if I’ve been irrevocably changed, if I will ever again be the man I used to be more than a decade ago, before everything went to shit.

I hate that I’m not that man for Liz right now, because she deserves the happiest, most optimistic version of me, and I don’t know if I will ever get him back.

****

J oe: I wanna check if something violates the Slowness Accords

Liz: Shoot

Joe: We’ve been getting together during daytime

Which has been amazing

Liz: Yes?

Joe: I want to go to the movies. Or see you after dark

Liz: I really want that too

You have no idea how much

Honestly

Joe: I’m sensing a but coming up

Liz: But I am worried I will start to feel trapped again

Like I did when we first met and things moved really fast

Joe: I don’t want you to feel trapped

But I don’t want you to think I don’t want you

Or that I am a dude with no initiative

Because I want you badly

Very. Badly

Liz: hot face emoji

Jesus Joe

Joe: Just making sure you’re not forgetting what we are beneath all this slowness

Liz: I’m not forgetting

I promise

I just don’t want to feel like I want to flee again

I don’t want to do that to you or to myself

Joe: So we continue keeping things G-rated

Liz: I’ve loved spending time with you

And I haven’t felt pressured or like I want to flee

Joe: Do you just want to be friends?

I would hate it, but if that’s what you want, let me know

Liz: No

I mean, yes, but not just friends

I’ve never been with someone where I had a lot of agency

I feel that I need this

The agency

The ability to set the pace

Joe: As long as I know you really want me

And are not just saying it to placate me

I have no problem waiting as long as you need

Feel free to set the pace

But if you don’t honestly want this, I beg you to let me know

I can’t deal with being strung along if you don’t really want this

So please please be sure you want this

Liz: Okay

Why don’t you talk about yourself much?

Joe: What do you mean? We talk all the time

Liz: About your marriage. Your wife

Joe: Ugh. I mean, you know most of the pertinent facts. How long it lasted, when it ended

I don’t really like to think about it or talk about it

You don’t much talk about your ex either

Liz: It seems tacky

Joe: I suppose it does. But yours is quite recent

Mine is in the past. Pretty distant past

Liz: Doesn’t mean you’re over it

Doesn’t mean you don’t still love her

Joe: I am pretty sure I don’t

Why would you think I do?

Liz: I don’t know. You haven’t dated anyone since her

Joe: I am kinda dating you

Liz: Kinda?

Joe: This is whatever you want it to be, but I am definitely not dating anyone else

Liz: I have to admit

This conversation is making me antsy again

Maybe it’s the text

I am not great over text

Joe: Just relax, okay?

We don’t have to talk about anything

Liz: See you tomorrow for coffee?

Joe: Your turn to pay grinning emoji

Liz: Of course

I can’t believe I only have another couple of weeks of this job

Then back to interviewing again

Joe: So I won’t see you for coffee anymore?

Liz: I mean, we could still get coffee before your work

Although it might be hard to make myself get up so early if I don’t work

Joe: You will work again soon enough

I wish Qpik would give you a permanent job

Liz: That’s what I hoped but I guess not right now

Joe: Roxie will be devastated not to have you close

Liz: What about you?

Joe: I am already devastated not to have you as close as I want you

Liz: Joe

Joe: I know, I know

See you tomorrow

??