Page 10 of Soft Rebound (Mad City Moments #2)

Liz

I drive off in a daze , acutely aware that I am currently sitting in a pool of semen produced by a man I barely know. My body is humming with satisfaction, but my head feels like it’s full of bees.

I just met him. Went to his place, immediately fucked him—without a condom. Then I fucked him again against my damn car, out in the open, where someone could have called the police on us.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This is not me, has never been me. I should be furious with myself.

But I’m not.

I imagine what my parents would say. They would be speechless; my mom would turn red with embarrassment.

Mom and Dad were each other’s one and only, married out of high school, always gone to church.

What would my brothers say? Mickey would grin, pat me on the back, and say something like atta boy, while Bobby would look worried and wonder if I were okay and if this were what I wanted.

Everything that happened tonight was what I wanted.

It was barely the rim of my bottomless pit of wants.

What would Jake say? A small ball of anger churns in my stomach at the thought.

Jake would imply that he was dismayed, that what I did was unbecoming of the Liz he knew, and that he wanted nothing else to do with me.

He’d ask why I could come four times with this big fat hairy dude when I could barely eke one orgasm per encounter with him, even though he, Jake, was so much hotter, in so much better shape, so much more attractive, so much more valuable.

He’d never ask if there were something lacking in him, something that he couldn’t or wouldn’t give me.

It was understood that I was the lower-worth partner, so of course I should be happy with what came my way.

He’d imply that I never deserved him, that maybe I belonged with the big fat hairy dude because we were the same, which would mean not like Jake, and not like Jake meant lesser and ugly, perhaps disgusting, even though Jake would never be so crass as to say any of it out loud.

Whenever his pride got hurt, Jake would say something sarcastic, so maybe he’d say that Joe couldn’t see very well because he fucked me like there’s no tomorrow under the bright lights of his living room, that Joe didn’t appear to want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, that this man I just met lavished my body with as much attention as I’ve always dreamed someone would lavish it with, attention I once hoped the man I was going to love and cherish till death do us part would provide, attention that I realized, two years into the relationship, that I would never ever get from Jake.

And I made peace with it then, because he was so handsome and everyone liked him and everyone let me know, time and again, how lucky I was to be chosen.

I drive around in a daze until I realize I have no idea where I am. I take a deep breath, pull over, bring up the map on my phone, and after fifteen minutes, I’m back home. At Melanie’s. At my place.

****

A new phone is the first thing I bought when I got to Madison.

It only has my cousin’s number in it, and now Joe’s.

I put the phone on the kitchen counter, right next to the old one, which now never leaves home and which my parents have been blowing up since I let them know that Jake broke up with me.

They’ve been trying to get me to come back home, where I belong.

Those were the words my mom used in at least a dozen messages.

Home where you belong . I know they worry and they mean well, but I can’t deal with their feelings right now.

And with every passing day, I become more aware that I don’t want to go back to that cocoon with them and Mickey and Bobby, the cozy place where we’re always together and nothing ever changes.

I love them all so, so much, but after three weeks away, I know I have to stay away so I can breathe.

That doesn’t make it easier to blow them off, day after day.

I send terse text messages every day or two to let them all know that I’m doing well, that they shouldn’t worry, that I will write more once I’m settled.

That I’m not sad about Jake, that I have enough money, that I’m looking for work.

I don’t actually read what they write back anymore.

It’s too painful to learn how betrayed they feel, because who will do the shop’s books now?

And they are certain I must’ve done something to provoke Jake.

They don’t know where I’m staying. Nobody knows except for my cousin, whom I swore to secrecy, and since I’m the only one in my family who’s in close contact with her, I don’t think my folks would think to ask her, anyway.

I scroll down through the messages from my parents, without reading, but then I see a few new ones from Bobby.

Bobby is my favorite brother. We’re only eleven months apart, and we’ve always been close.

Bobby: Hey Lizzie

I hope you’re okay

Everyone’s freaking out

Where are you?

Mom has gone to weird conspiracies like you’ve been kidnapped

Oh and I saw Jake today

He was standoffish

I pretend that he might’ve been scared I would kick his ass laughing/crying emoji

Seriously Lizzie tell me what’s going on for real. I promise I won’t tell

This message is from only a few minutes ago. He’s not sleeping yet. I could call him—I want to call him. But I also feel I can’t.

Liz: Hey Bobby

Don’t worry, I’m okay

Settling in, looking for jobs and such

Don’t worry about me

Bobby: What the hell happened?

Liz: You know

Bobby: But you stormed off and left town FFS

Like you witnessed a murder or something

Wait, did you witness a murder?

Liz: laughing/crying emoji

The murder of my dreams maybe

Bobby: I’m so sorry Lizzie

Liz: Don’t be. Actually, I’m honestly not

Bobby: ???

Liz: I am really fine. Like, surprisingly fine

I might have to send Jake a fruit basket or something to thank him

I think he did us both a favor, although I am pretty sure he never meant to

Bobby: Well, congratulations then I guess?

Liz: Thank you. I’m really okay. Doing well

Bobby: And you won’t tell me where you are?

Liz: Not yet. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that no one can resist Mom’s interrogation technique consisting of a patented cocktail of persistence, guilt trips, and delicious food that makes a person way too relaxed and lowers their guard

Bobby: You sound good. Like you used to. When we were kids

Liz: ???

Bobby: He did dull your spark, you know. I saw it. I think even Mickey saw it. He told me. He said he didn’t like him for Lizzie

Liz: WTF Bobby? How is this the first time I hear any of this?

Bobby: I don’t know. We don’t talk about stuff like that

Liz: Why not?

Bobby: shrugging emoji

Liz: Bobby?

Bobby: Yeah

Liz: Are you gay?

He’s been responding to my texts rapid fire so far. But now, I see three dots appearing and disappearing multiple times. Finally, a message appears.

Bobby: Why would you ask me that?

Liz: Because you’re always alone, Bobby

And I don’t want you to be unhappy

I talked to someone today and realized that I don’t know things about you and you don’t know things about me

Important things

And it shouldn’t be like that because you’re my absolute favorite person in the world

You know that, right?

Bobby: Ditto

Liz: So?

Bobby: So what?

Liz: Are you? Gay

Dots appear and disappear again. Then there’s nothing for ten seconds and I figure he’s done with me. But then a bubble pops up again.

Bobby: I can’t talk about this right now

Liz: Okay. But promise me you will talk to me about it soon

Bobby: Yeah, okay

Liz: Okay

You know I love you no matter what

Bobby: Yeah

Same

Gotta go now

Goodnight Lizzie

And take care of yourself

Liz: Goodnight Bobby sparkling red heart emojihug emoji

Bobby: grinning face emojipurple heart emoji

I put the phone back down on the counter and suddenly feel completely exhausted.

It’s a bone-deep kind of fatigue, and it’s not just from the events of the day.

It’s everything. The weeks I’ve been alone, the upheaval of moving, keeping all this a secret, figuring out what I want to do, how I want to do it, not knowing where I’m going, what the fuck I will do with my life in this town where I know no one. ..

But it’s not true that I know no one. I know my cousin. And now I know Joe.

I know Joe. And there’s something between him and me that I don’t recognize, but it fills me with warmth, and calm, and it makes me giddy, not anxious. I don’t know what it is, but I like it.

And I was able to let go with him like I never had before. I had a little bit of experience before Jake, not much, and my partners were all as young and clueless as I was. Most of what I’ve done in any romantic or sexual context was with Jake. Jake, who was supposed to love me forever.

Perhaps the worst thing about the past three weeks has been realizing that, when I think about Jake, I don’t feel sad.

I feel at times angry, terrified, and deeply relieved.

But I’m not angry with him. I’m angry with myself for having stayed with him when there were parts of the relationship that I knew, I knew , were not right.

I’m angry with myself for valuing myself so little.

I’m terrified that I would’ve just gone through with it, with the marriage, with the whole life with him if he hadn’t decided he wanted out.

I’m horrified by how unaware I was of what I wanted, of what I really needed.

Then I try to make myself feel better. He and I had some good times, didn’t we?

It wasn’t all bad. I wasn’t completely blind.

I remember the dates, and the laughter, and the sex, and some of the trips we’ve taken.

I remember him giving my brothers a hard time at Sunday football.

I remember him showing up for the holidays with my parents, buying flowers for Mom on Mother’s Day.

Shouldn’t I be at least a little bit sad after all this time? Maybe it will hit me later?

But what if it doesn’t hit me at all? What does that say about me, that I don’t mourn seven years together?

I feel a tightening in my stomach, a low-level churn. That’s what thinking about Jake does to me, what it’s done to me for a long time. For years. Way before we got engaged.

I thought I was excited about us. Nervous, but in a good way. But now I suspect I was always anxious around him. The man I was supposed to marry was constantly making me anxious.

I feel angry again.

I’m losing my good four-orgasm buzz. Which a man I don’t know at all gave to me as he touched me like I was the hottest thing that had ever crossed his path.

And it felt needed. Natural. Right.

And I told him I was in no place for anything. Because I’m definitely in no place for anything.

But sending a text message wouldn’t hurt, right? It’s fine if he has my phone number. I can always get another one.

Before I have a chance to talk myself out of it, or think about why I don’t want to be talked out of it, I pick up my new phone, the one where Joe is the only contact other than my cousin.

Liz: Hey there

This is a Vikings fan with whom you recently shared a pitcher of beer

Joe: I recall no such person

Liz: Let me try to jog your memory

This is the Vikings fan whom you definitely felt up under the team sweatshirt

Joe: It could still be anyone, really. I exclusively grope Vikings fans

Liz: How about this? This is the woman whom you gave multiple orgasms tonight, the last of which while you fucked her out in the open against a little blue car blue car emojieggplant emojitaco emojiexploding head emojiwater droplets emoji

Joe: Oh now I remember. Could this be Miss Liz nee Melanie, last name Little Liar?

Liz: In the flesh

Joe: And what majestic flesh it was three hot sweating red face emojishungry face emojismiling purple devil emoji

Liz: smiling face with red cheeks emoji Jesus Joe

Joe: While I am indeed godly, just Joe is fine. And I said no lies there

You’re smoking hot

The night was amazing

And I wish you’d stayed so we could get it on again

Liz: It was really good for me too

But I meant what I said

It’s a workday tomorrow

Also I am definitely not in the place to start anything

Joe: I get that

But I’m glad you texted

So how come you texted?

Liz: You seem like the kind of guy who would want to know that I got home safe

Joe: grinning emoji That is absolutely the kind of guy I am

And it honestly makes me feel very good that you got that about me

And I’m very glad you got home safe

Liz: Okay then

Joe: So is this it?

Liz: I think so

Joe: Seems like a waste of perfectly good chemistry

Liz: Maybe

Joe: Okay. You know where I stand. I’m here if you want to get together

Also, you forgot your hair thing at my place

Liz: Keep it. Wear it

Joe: eyeroll emojilaughing / crying emoji

Seriously now, if you just want to hang out let me know

I know you don’t have many people in town

Liz: Thank you

Also it was really stupid of me to share that info with a perfect stranger and potential serial killer

But I did and lucked out

Or are you some kind of a serial killer who plays the long game?

Joe: The longest. I’m the kind of serial killer that meets a woman, makes her fall in love with me, spends the whole life with her and waits for her to die of natural causes at a ripe old age. It’s a perfect crime. No one would ever suspect me

Granted, that would make for a very small murder series, but still

Liz: three rolling on the floor laughing emojis

Joe: smiling face emoji

Don’t be a stranger, okay?

Liz: Okay

Joe: Fair warning. I will text you sometimes and might even suggest we get together

Don’t bite my head off when I do

Liz: No promises grinning purple devil emoji

Joe: Goodnight then, Vikings fan with whom I shared a pitcher of beer today

Liz: You too, world’s most patient serial killer

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