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Why weren’t we talking, though? Up until last night, Zack and I had enjoyed easy conversations with one another any time we were together and the few times we were silent felt natural.

This, though…it felt uncomfortable. Maybe it was because we were both adjusting to this new facet of our relationship.

My brain started churning and I wondered if Zack might feel like he had to make all the moves, so maybe I should make one of my own.

As we continued making our way down the busy sidewalk, I removed my hand from my jacket pocket and reached over to grab Zack’s hand in mine—kind of my way of letting him know that we were solid, no matter what.

And I also wanted to impress upon him that I cared about him.

This small gesture was a way to do that.

His hand felt stiff against mine, though. This wasn’t like last night where our bodies melted and molded together, drawn to one another like magnets to steel. My earlier impression that something felt off was amplified by the feel of his cool hand.

When we got to the coffee shop, he held the door for me and we walked in separated once more. I was not going to take his hand in mine again. It felt foreign and almost unnatural.

Unwanted.

There was a line of people dressed in suits and skirts, ordering coffee in paper cups before zipping out the door to their important jobs.

But the staff got them through quickly and soon it was our turn.

I’d been studying the menu posted on the huge chalkboard on the wall behind the counter, trying to figure out what I could stomach.

Nothing sounded appetizing to my nauseated stomach.

But I got a hot tea, remembering that my grandma used to have me drink one when I felt sick, and Zack got two cinnamon rolls—one for him and one for me—along with a small cup of coffee.

I wanted to ask if this was smart, considering we were pinching pennies to make ends meet, but after seeing the box of alcohol he’d blown cash on last night, this didn’t seem so bad.

We chose a small table by the window. While I waited for Zack to get napkins and plastic forks for us, I looked out at the sidewalk, watching the cars and people on foot rush by as if they were all running late for work—all except the one guy with earbuds and a small dog on a leash.

Before Zack sat down, I thought I saw one tiny snowflake finding its way to the slate sidewalk.

He cut off a bite of the cinnamon roll with his fork. Before putting it in his mouth, he said, “You gotta try these, Dani. They’re way better than the ones the school cafeteria ever made.” And I knew he’d loved them.

“My stomach’s kind of upset.” But I cut off a small piece nonetheless and slid it in my mouth, hoping I wouldn’t feel like throwing it up in a few minutes.

Zack cleared his throat after setting down his coffee. “We need to talk—and I figured there was no sense dragging this out.”

Why the hell did that sound so ominous?

“Okay.” I took a sip of the hot tea, willing it to make my stomach relax.

“I need to apologize for forcing myself on you last night.”

“You didn’t force yourself on me, Zack. I was a willing participant.”

“Okay, maybe. I blame it on the vodka—but I crossed that line again.”

I was hurt and the beginnings of anger stirred in my chest. “Why do you act like that’s such a bad thing, Zack?” Fuck. This was like déjà vu.

He looked down at the tabletop as if in deep thought, but I think instead he was trying to figure out how to say what he had already planned.

Had he awakened early in the morning and agonized over this moment ever since?

I was beginning to feel like a thorn he had to pluck out from between his toes.

His voice was low, but my ears could have picked up a pin dropping, even with the sappy alternative pop music flowing from the speakers in the corner of the room.

“I’ve been fighting this fucking feeling for so long. ”

All I could feel was the way my heart was pounding in my chest. This sounded like the beginning of an admission of love—but something here was so wrong.

“Last night…I wanted you. I needed you.” My heart lifted, a shiver wending its way through my flesh, because this was what I’d been dying to hear for years. Still, this was off somehow. As I gave a short nod, Zack said, “And that shit is so fucking dangerous. ”

“What? Why?” Jesus, the danger was over. My virginity was gone. What else did we have to worry about?

“I’d fuck it up, Dani. You know I would. That’s what I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I do . That’s why Ava broke up with me.”

“But Ava’s—”

“Not the first and she won’t be the last. But I fucking refuse to hurt you, Dani.”

He already had—he was right now, and I wanted to scream that at him, but my mouth had gone dry, even with the tea right in front of me.

After letting out a long sigh, he took a drink of his coffee, the cinnamon rolls forgotten. I was doing nothing more than biting the inside of my cheek and clenching my fists under the table, fighting back the tears that wanted to stream from my eyes.

When he spoke again, his voice was softer. “But that not all. It’s like I’ve said before—this band is my number one priority. That’s all there is for me. It’s all I want, and if it gets fucked up somehow, that’s my whole goddamned life we’re talking about.”

Even as I choked back a sob forming in my throat, I forced myself to speak. “But you said last night that you love me. Was that a lie?”

He sucked in a deep breath through his nostrils and reached across the table to grab my hands. “I do love you, Dani.” Those words alone gave me strength—and hope, and that was dangerous in my fragile state. “And you’re my best friend.”

“Bullshit.” I hardly noticed the couple in business suits at the table next to us looking over at me—but I lowered my voice. “Braden’s your best friend. You tell him all kinds of shit you don’t tell me.”

His eyes squinted slightly. “I don’t do with Braden what we did last night.”

“So that makes me your best friend? ”

“No, that’s not what I mean. What I mean to say is that what I wouldn’t do with Braden, I shouldn’t do with you.”

“That’s stupid. You wouldn’t ever kiss Braden.”

“No, it’s not. And you’re right. He’s a band member; you’re a band member.

He’s my friend; you’re my friend. And you and me sleeping together muddies the fucking water.

” Whether Zack just perceived someone else overhearing the expletive or if a person behind me glared, I didn’t know, but he lowered his voice.

As he continued, though, his tone seemed gentler, as if he was trying to deliver the blow softly.

“We’re just beginning our lives, Dani, and what we did last night was a huge mistake.

” Oh, God, that hurt worse than anything else he’d said.

“You will always be my friend, and I will always care about you, but last night we crossed a line that we can never, ever, ever cross again. We’re business partners; we’re friends.

And we’re going to ruin both our business and our friendship if we do something like this again so… I love you, but we can’t do this.”

It felt like he’d kicked me in the chest, and I was having a hard time pulling air into my lungs. When I finally did, I said, “It doesn’t have to be like that, Zack. Lots of people manage to separate business and relationships. Look at Skillet. There’s a husband and wife who make it—”

“That’s their band, Dani, not ours. And I don’t know any of their history, okay? I’m telling you I don’t know how to make that shit work.”

Hurt, I lashed out without even thinking. “You just don’t want to.”

For a minute, he grew quiet, staring out the window. Finally, he said, “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want to.”

I didn’t know what to think about that, but my heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. I needed to cry, but I already knew I didn’t want to fucking cry in front of Zack.

“Fine. ”

Sipping my cold tea, I didn’t say another word, only nodding when Zack finally asked if I was ready to go a few minutes later.

He hadn’t finished his cinnamon roll, either.

When we got to the apartment building, Zack said he had some “shit to do” and would be back later. I was pretty sure it was just that he didn’t want to be around me at the moment. And that was fine. I didn’t want to be around him, either.

Once I was in the building, the tears started dropping like hot little bombs, and I wanted nothing more than to run up the stairs, but I was still way too sore to move quickly.

Instead, I found the elevator and looked down at my shoes so anyone else who might get on wouldn’t see my face.

When I got to our place, I unlocked the door and headed straight for me room, barely waving when Wes said hi .

Oh, I didn’t need to deal with him right now.

I threw myself on my bed and cried and cried and cried. I felt such a hole in my heart, one that I’d never be able to repair. Yes, Zack and I were friends—best friends, even, like he’d said—but last night, we’d done something we could never pretend hadn’t happened.

Things couldn’t just go back to normal.

By the time I fell asleep, my eyes were red and swollen, my nose stuffy, but I couldn’t cry anymore.

When I woke up a couple of hours later, I looked out the window for what felt like hours, just watching the snow fall, slowly accumulating on the sidewalks below.

It felt as cold out there as it was in my heart.

I was grappling with questions that I couldn’t figure out the answers to, and I didn’t think talking with Zack more would help me discover them.

Deep down, I knew that professing my love wouldn’t change his mind. Divulging to him how much I loved him wouldn’t make any difference .

Did I want to—or, more accurately— could I stay with the band knowing Zack and I could never be together?

When Zack hooked up with another woman, something I knew would eventually happen just like it had with Ava last spring, how would I handle it?

How badly would it tear me up inside, willingly giving up the man I loved?

I honestly didn’t know that I could stand aside and watch him with other women when I couldn’t have him, especially now that everything I was belonged completely to him.

I heard my phone buzz on the nightstand and pulled my attention from the winter wonderland outside. From my vantage point, it looked like I’d received a text message. Usually, they were from one of the guys. Dare I even hope it be Zack with a message that he’d changed his mind?

Getting up, I walked the few steps over, swiping the screen of my phone. It wasn’t Zack. It wasn’t any of my bandmates.

It was my mom—and, probably for one of the first times in my life, my heart needed her.

Through blurry eyes, I read her text. Were you planning on coming home for Thanksgiving?

I started thumb typing a reply and changed my mind.

As I touched the icon to dial her number, I took a deep breath, trying to make sure the tears weren’t at the forefront, because even though I needed to hear my mother’s comforting voice, I wasn’t ready to talk about everything that had happened to me over the past twenty-four hours.

When mom answered my call, she said, “Oh, Dani, honey. It’s so nice to hear your voice.”

“You, too, mom.”

“So what are your plans for Thanksgiving?”

I already knew what I needed. I needed to get away from all the bullshit.

I fucking hated Denver. I hated my job, hated how the rich people who worked downtown came and ordered a burger and fries, treating me like I wasn’t even a person.

Despised the fucking cockroaches and crowded streets.

Loathed how the hot water in the shower in our apartment turned tepid after only five minutes.

My mind toyed with the idea that I regretted giving Zack the one thing I could never get back when I realized it had belonged to him the entire time.

What had happened last night was merely a symbol of something much deeper.

And that was probably unhealthy.

So I knew what I needed to do.

“I want to come home, mom.”

“We’d love to see you, honey. But we’re doing Thanksgiving at grandma’s this year.”

My mind played with the idea and decided that was even better. Being surrounded by the people who loved me unconditionally would help me get my head on straight while I rethought my priorities…rethought my whole damn life.

Looking out the window again and assessing the scene, I said, “I can be there by Sunday.”

“You’ll stay the whole week, honey?”

Wow. All those years, how’d I miss how much my mom loved me? And how did mom know I needed that from her right now?

“Yeah, mom. The whole week.”

Maybe the rest of the year…because I had a lot of soul searching to do so I could figure out the rest of my fucking life.

With or without Zachary Ryan.

Zack and Dani aren’t over—not by a long shot. Can Dani get over her heartbreak enough to remain in the band? Can she still be friends with Zack? And what will happen when they cross the line again? Their story continues in SHAME ME , coming soon.